I had a low key rather blah weekend. It was probably a good thing as my week was pretty emotionally draining. Nothing like a virtual email fight to really kick your hearts ass and then some. It’s over now, in the past and I’m trying my best to keep breathing and move on. Someday, soon I hope, all of this frustration and heart ache, tears, fears, EVERYTHING will be worth it. I’m trying REALLY hard to trust that God has a plan and purpose in all of this. He clearly isn’t finished with me yet as I keep waking up in the morning, and my heart keeps beating although still a bit broken.
I leave for Miami in 2 weeks. I can’t even explain how badly I need this vacation. I need to escape my life for just a little bit and enjoy the sun, cocktails, and a whole lot of nothing down south. The plan is to have no plans and just take each day as it comes. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to stuff numerous outfits and shoes into my tiny carry on suitcase so I don’t have to fork over the $50 for “Extra Luggage.” What a joke. Remember the days when it doesn’t cost you anything extra to have luggage? Also, remember the days when you could actually go to the terminal and wish your loved one off and or greet them? It was only 10 years ago, yet it seems like a lifetime.
I’m turning 29 in a few weeks and I’m ready to greet this Birthday with open arms, even though I would much rather speed through the next year and just be 30 already. My 20’s have been less than desirable. Looking back, there isn’t anything I can pin point where I think “Man, that was just awesome, let me re-live that.” Ha, nope. Not even a little bit. My 20’s have been filled with a lot of growing pains. A lot of lessons learned and hopefully, I am a stronger and wiser woman because of it all. I hope that someday when I’m 80, I can look back to this decade and just laugh. They say life gets better with age, and I’m hoping “they” are right.
Zumba has been AMAZING. I am so thankful that I am able to take 4 classes a week (3 for free!!). It has really helped me “Deal” with everything has been going on in a more healthy manner. Normally, I would just eat my feelings, but instead I am sweating pounds off and channeling my anger towards making me healthier. I have really made a great new friend (Bernice) who just happens to be the amazing woman who offered me to take her classes for free. She’s wonderful. So encouraging, motivating, energetic and just an all around good person. Her classes don’t even seem like exercise, it truly is a dance party!! I LOVE IT. The other day we were talking about things. I told her that I have accepted the fact that I will never be skinny. It’s just not in the cards for me but I just want to be healthy, more toned. Do I want to lose 50 lbs??! Of course I do, but I am satisfied and proud of the fact that I am actively pursuing a healthier lifestyle. If I lose the weight, I consider it bonus. But for now, I am just focused on taking better care of me. That’s when she told me “Jessica, you are truly beautiful just the way you are.” Why is it when someone tells you are beautiful, you don’t believe them?? I’m learning to accept compliments and say thank you even though it is really hard for me to do. I’m just hoping someday I’ll actually be at a place where I can believe the compliments as truth for myself. I’m getting there.
