Defining Moment

I had a crazy, scary, emotional weekend but as they say, out of something bad, comes something good and I believe I am experiencing the truth in that statement.

Long story short, I was in a sorta car accident this past weekend. Rob and I were leaving my Dad's place around midnight after a day long get together. I was driving and as I put the truck in reverse, I realized the ebrake was on. I couldn't figure out how to undo it so I got out of the truck, found the lever and pulled totally forgetting that the truck was in reverse. It started moving backwards, I freaked out, tripped and was dragged by the truck for a good 10-15 ft before I let go. The truck hit a neighbors car. I completely lost it. Rob's truck is his baby. His most prized earthly possession. I thought for sure he would freak out on me, but the exact opposite happened. He ran over to me, grabbed me and said "Are you ok? Jess, you need to tell me you are ok!! It's just a truck, it can be fixed. Please tell me you are ok!!?!" I couldn't muster any words, only tears. I felt absolutely horrible.

The next 24 hours I started to truly see the depth of Rob's love for me. As I mentioned, his truck is his most importantly earthly possession He loves that thing. He talks about it ALL.THE.TIME. But the fact that his reaction to the accident was to ensure I was ok, and that he remained calm under a stressful situation, and that he comforted me and kept repeating "It's just a truck, it can be replaced... you can not... I love you... I am not mad at you" really touched my heart and redefined our relationship. Sure, I was in love with Rob and he was in love with me too... but I could actually see in his eyes and feel in his reassuring touch that he truly, truly loved me. Our love was brought to a totally new and deeper level. A defining moment indeed.

I should mention that I am ok. I have some scrapes and a few bad bruises on my knees, arms, lower back and head, but I will be just fine. It could have been so much worse and for that I'm thankful that I only sustained what I did. In true Rob fashion, he has tried to make light of the situation and has joked "It's kind of like a right of passage. Most guys I know have stories to tell how their wife/girlfriend hit their car/truck into something." And that right there is one of the many reasons I love him. He's a good guy and I'm so happy I get to call him mine.

You know what's weird...

I look at my friendships. Some are married. Some even have kids. Some of these friends I've known since we were in middle/high school. Now they are married with kids? What? How did this happen? When did we become adults? Weird.

I'm an adult. When I look at the Jessica from 5, 10,15 years ago, I am amazed at the person I was and the person I am today. It's interesting to look back and see actual growth. Weird.

I have a real grown up job. I'm able to provide for myself. I have a car, an apartment, a cat, clothes, a fridge that's usually always filled with Diet Coke, I pay taxes, and I have insurance. So weird.

I'm the oldest cousin on my Dad's side. I was spoiled the first 3 years of life. Of course I don't remember this, but there are pictures to prove it's truth. My cousins are growing up. I remember all but one being born and now they are graduating high school, college, in relationships, getting married?! What the heck??!  WEIRD!!!!

I have a boyfriend. He actually likes me. In fact, he loves me. He came into my life at the perfect time and there are no promises that he will stay, forever. But the fact that he's here, now... wonderfully weird.

Life has a way of just happening, doesn't it? SUPER weird.

Human curiosity

I hate Facebook sometimes. It can be such a buzz kill in the morning when you casually are looking through your news feed, only to find a picture of your ex, and his now wife who is expecting, smiling and happy. All things I dreamed I'd have with him one day. Human curiosity comes with a cost. I know I should delete him but the nosy curious person that I am secretly wishes one day I will see news that he is miserable. I'm horrible for thinking such things because the truth is, I do want him to be happy. But it's hard to let go of the fact that it was never meant to be with me.

I love Rob... I really do. I'm at a really good place in my life right now and I'm incredibly happy but I have to be honest and say that a part of my heart still stings when I hear or see news of "Him." He will forever be the person who got away, but maybe I need to rephrase that and say that I'm the person that he let get away instead? Yeah, that sounds better and probably is the truth.