I've really cut back on how much I post. I wish I had a legit reason. I have a lot to talk about but when it comes to forming the right words, they slip me. Instead, I'll just leave you with some updates from my life.

 It's the first day of Spring. Usually this makes me happy but it's 5 degrees right now. It feels like -11. This time last year it was 80 and sunny. It's not right. I miss the sun. My skin hates me because the air is so dry. I'm convinced that we wont see above 30 degrees or green grass until July. It's not OK.

My Dad, Step Mom, Brother and his girlfriend are heading to Arizona in a few weeks. I was invited to go but opted out since I just went to Hawaii and didn't feel like charging another airline ticket. I may need to cave and bite the airline ticket. I desperately need warmth and sunshine!

I threw my guy a surprise Birthday party last Friday. I was actually surprised that I kept it a surprise for over a month!! He was touched. He told me later that night "I sometimes forget how many people love and care about me. Thank you for reminding me." It warmed my heart to hear those words.

I was hit with the cold/flu a few weeks ago and it knocked me out for 5 days. I missed 3 days of work because of it too. Thankfully I have an amazing boss who is understanding and supportive in making sure I get well and take care of myself. Unfortunately the crud hit Robert a week later, a day after his party thankfully. I've been playing nurse along with amazing girlfriend the past few days. He's appreciative but I can't help but laugh a little. Guys tend to be babies when it comes to any illness. I was able to take care of myself for the most part while he was on his death bed. Makes me think of the MAN COLD.Ohhhhh boys.

After a 4 month hiatus, I'm back on the Body by Vi Shakes diet. I was doing so well for 2 months and then I met a boy. Dating involves a lot of going out and eating. Then the Holiday's came. Then Hawaii came. Then I woke up yesterday morning and got on the scale and wanted to cry. I had one more day of pity party eating and woke up this morning and started over, again. I feel like I've started over a million times. I'm hopeful that someday it will stick. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. It's 90% in my head and 10% actually doing it. I will never be skinny. It' not in my DNA. I just want to make better choices. Be more active. Be healthier and still enjoy life. I love food. Food loves me. I need to find a balance. One step, one day at a time.

Even though I'm feeling a bit down that my weight is back up, I have an amazing guy who makes me feel beautiful everyday. I took him out to dinner on his actual Birthday on Monday. He was still feeling icky from his cold/flu but wanted to go out and celebrate. I could tell he was tired. His eyes were heavy but he looked at me and smiled saying "You look so pretty tonight." :) It never gets old. I'm pretty lucky to have such a good guy.

Staying Safe

I just posted this comment on one of my favorite blogs and realized I should probably post it on my blog to document where I'm at today and what I am feeling:

"For a majority of my short 30 years of life, I feel like I'm in a constant state of wait. Waiting for things to pan out, waiting for doors to open. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting because I'm too afraid to make the first step myself. If I wanted to be completely honest with myself, I'm waiting my life away and not living it. My prayer lately is that God place a fire under my tush and deep in my heart and soul and that I find what TRULY makes me alive. Living my dream. Living my passion. Still trying to figure out what that is exactly. I'm a work in progress. We all are."

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I feel like I should know what that is by now, but I don't. I've always lived my life on the safe side. Doing what is expected of me. Staying within my comfort zone. Trying my best to make others happy and proud but never really doing anything that pushes me to be better. The older I get, the more relaxed I'm becoming. I find myself worrying less about things I can't control such as the future but I still lack the feeling of purpose in my life. I have big hopes and dreams of what my life COULD be like if I took a chance but still I stay comfortable in my little corner. I am settling for safe and easy life because I am too afraid to try something different and fail.  I need to figure out a way to overcome this. Life is too short not to.

Crabby Pants

It's snowing. I feel it hasn't stopped snowing since I returned from Hawaii.  I've reached the point in the winter season when I become physically angry when it snows. It may be a bit dramatic, but I seriously can't handle it. I've lived in Minnesota my entire life so you would think I would be used to this and that each winter becomes easier, but it is the exact opposite. Once the first flakes start to fall in November, it seems it doesn't end until April, sometimes May.Though I just returned from a fabulous warm weather vacation, I'm in need of a permanent warm weather vacation for life. Life is too short to not be happy. I'm a MUCH happier Jess when the sunny and warm days out number the cold ones OR better yet... cold ones don't even exist! I need to figure out a way to make my dream of living someplace warm year round into a reality. I try my best to stay positive enjoy the season but the truth is, my crabby pants are on and It hurts to force my fake "I love this weather" smile.