Christmas 2009

After 5 days of constant eating, sleeping, more eating, some drinking and more eating, Christmas 2009 is finally over. Phew. I love my family but man, after 5 days I was more then ready for it to be over with! I pretty much feel like this



Picture is of a Snowman up at my Grandma's. As you can see, he's had a little too much to eat and drink and can't stand up straight. I feel so bloated, huge, and not cute at all. Eating crap for 5 days straight will do that to one though, I suppose. Diet starts January 1st. I still need to get through this week and see some comfort food helping me get through my little procedure on Thursday morning.

Happy New Years everyone! I hope 2010 brings good things to all!

A Christmas Eve first

This will be the first Christmas Eve on record that I will not be up in Pine City. Grandma has decided due to the weather, she doesn't want us driving up. I am really upset about it too. I guess the plan is to re-schedule for Sunday but still, it just wont be the same. I hope this storm is as big as they say it's going to be because if it isn't I'm going to be even more upset.

Merry Christmas everyone! Travel safe, be healthy and enjoy this special time with loved ones!

What else can I possibly do

They say when you want something bad enough, you do what it takes to get achieve it. That statement is true in so many areas of my life, except for one. This whole dating or should I say, trying to date thing just seems to be a task I can't quite manage to figure out.

I signed up for Match.com about a month ago. I went on one date with a guy that turned out to be a disaster. He wasn't bad looking. Our emails back and forth were friendly and he SEEMED genuine and sincere but all that went down the toilet when we met. I'm not sure if he was nervous or just a down right ass hole but basically he called me Pretentious and Spoiled brat because I drive a Honda. WTF??! I pretty much finished my meal and got up and left. A few days later, I got a message from him asking when we were going out again and that apparently I owed him a meal since he paid for the last one. Ummm, no thanks Buddy. You were and are an ASS. Granted this was just one experience,I just can't help but have a bad taste in my mouth and skeptical about possible future experiences.

I don't know what else I can possibly do. I am putting myself "OUT THERE" but nothing seems to be happening. I'm online, I do pet sitting and I'm usually out and about with the animals going for walks etc... I work for the City in which I am in contact with the public. I did have a Gym crush. His name was Ryan (what is it with me and the that name??!) Super nice guy, good looking, and actually TALKS to you... find out that he's engaged. DAMN... but of course he's engaged. All of the good guys seem to be taken. I've tried tapping my resources with my friends but usually they don't know any single guys and or they don't think it would be a good fit. When are the stars going to align and seas part and my AT LAST will finally happen?

For a person who is goal oriented and has a plan of action to achieve those goals, it is extremely frustrating knowing that I can't seem to achieve this goal. Damn it, I'm so impatient! And why does it seem that when you are single, the Holiday's always seem to remind you just how single you are? Wah. I love my family and have great friends but I just wish I had that special someone to call my own.

Just beautiful.

I wonder if Marilyn ever realized just how beautiful she really was? I wonder if any woman ever truly realizes their own beauty.

You never know

One of my friends from work just got engaged. She's been dating this guy for about 4 months and they are going to be married on February 1st. I suppose most people would say that they barely know each other and they should wait a bit longer before they get married, but I suppose when you know, you know. This friend is in her late 30's and has been married before. I can only assume that the older you are and more life experiences you have under your belt, when you know something is right in your heart, there should be nothing to hold you back. I am so very happy for her as her and I have similiar backgrounds and share same life experiences. Her story gives me hope that my happily ever after can come true too, and perhaps it is literally around the corner? Who knows what the next day, week, month, year will bring. This very day a year from now I could be married?!

I tend to joke around saying that "Oh, I bet I'm going to meet Mr. Right today" and some friends will say "You never know." I guess that statement has more meaning now knowing that a friend of mine is experiencing it right now. Warms my heart and gives me hope that good things do come to those who wait.

Not so great news

But it could be worse...

I have a condition called Cervical Dysplasia. Here is the official diagonosis:

Cervical dysplasia is a condition characterized by the presence of abnormal cells in the cervix, indicating either precancerous or cancerous cells. The condition is classified as low-grade or high-grade, depending on the extent of the abnormal cell growth. Low-grade cervical dysplasia progresses very slowly and typically resolves on its own. High-grade cervical dysplasia, however, tends to progress quickly and usually leads to cervical cancer. An estimated 66% of cervical dysplasia cases are estimated to progress to cancer within 10 years. Information taken from www.umm.edu.

I was given a High Grade Cervical Dysplasia diaognis. I'm considered a rare case due to my age. The last time I was given a Low/Medium rate. I was monitored every 3 months for 2 years and my symptoms went away, apparently. I briefly talked to my Dr. over the phone about my options. Unfortunately the only option for me right now, is surgery but it is up to me as to what type. I need to go in and discuss all my options later this week or next. I most likely will be having surgery in the next few weeks. Good news is, most procedures can be done out patient, the bad news is, I will be awake and fully aware of what is going on. Recovery is fast but any of the procedures can cause issues with fertility.

How am I feeling? Pretty freaked out. Not exacatly the type of news you want to hear on a Monday morning but I'm hopeful that if I do what the Doctors tell me to do, I will be ok.

Today

Thanksgiving was nice. Low key, too much food, not enough movement... typical Thanksgiving Day. It was hard for me to really enjoy the day though because in the back of my mind, I knew what was coming today. I didn't get much sleep last night, and it wasn't in anticipation for the Black Friday sales but for my 12pm Dr. Appointment. About 3 years ago I had an abnormal girly exam and needed to have a Colopscopy. The results came back as having elevated pre-cancerous cells. The monitored it for a year and there was no change. A few weeks ago, I went in for my yearly exam and got the dreaded call a few days later saying that I had another abnormal exam.

I went in for my exam and unlike last time, I went by myself. For whatever reason, I thought I was strong enough to do it alone. I was mistaken. As soon as my name was called and I was brought into the room and situated on the exam table, something overcame me and I just lost it. I was so embarrassed but I was more or less just feeling extremely alone and scared. I don't think I was crying over being nervous for the procedure, I was more upset with the potential results. I've been told on more then one occasion that I most likely will have a difficult time having a child naturally or at all. Even though I'm not married or near having a child anytime soon, I still would like to know that when my time does come, I will be be able to have a child. It seems though that my girl parts have started to fail me at a tender age of 27.

Why is it that life can go so good for awhile then it seems to spiral out of control? I've been in another emotional rut and I feel as if the walls are caving in again. I'm trying to stay positive and be optimistic about things but lately it's one thing after another again and I'm beginning to loose faith.

I should have my results back from the procedure sometime next week. Until then I'm going to lay low, drink some wine, take some warm baths and hope things will turn out the way they are suppose too. I have to remind myself of one of my favorite quotes... "In the end, everything will be OK. If things aren't OK, then it's not the end."

27 things I'm thankful

27. That I have been able to enjoy 27 Thanksgiving's together with my family
26. My job(s). I have 3 jobs that I absolutely love! I am so lucky and blessed!
25. Sharpies, pens, and sharpie pens
24. My Honda Civic 94,000 miles and still running like a champ!
23. Medicine (Drs.) I am confident that I will be in good hands on Friday morning when I go back in for another colposcopy.
22. Friends, unlike family, you are able to choose your friends and vice versa and they choose to be friends with you. What a comforting feeling
21. Family. Although you can't choose your family, there is a reason God chose your family to be your family. We put the FUN in Dysfunctional!
20. My home. Even though It has depreatiated it's value by 60% in the last 2 years, I am still a home owner and work damn hard to have my place!
19. I have a warm bed to sleep in every night
18. Luci(fer) my kitty. She is a little devil but still none the less, it is nice to come home to something that loves you unconditionally, provided you feed them.
17. Diet Coke
16. My mom. She has really shown me this last year what it means to be completely selfless and love a child unconditionally. Without her constant love and support these last 6 months I'd be lost.
15. The Office. It is my one show that I must watch every week. Laughter really does cure a broken and heavy heart.
14. Music. It's free therapy.
13. Summer Sun. I live for those 3 beautiful months!
12. Thunderstorms. More free Therapy. Wash away the icky and tomorrow is a new, brighter more beautiful day!
11. My Grandma. The most beautiful person I've ever or will ever know.
10. My Palm Pre. I now have internet access at home!
9. Hope. Without it, there is nothing to live for.
8. People.com and US weekly. It's smut but I love it.
7. Love. It is one the greatest and yet most complicated things that I have yet to figure out.
6. Chocolate. Need I say more?
5. El Loro Chicken Fajita's and Chips and while salsa. Ditto
4. Lip Stuff.
3. Cherry Passion Tic Tacs
2. Wine
1. Myself. I'm here for a reason, It's just taken me a long time to figure out the person I want to be.

Frist weekend "Off" in awhile

This past weekend was my first weekend off from all of my jobs in over 2 months! I was excited of the idea of not having to run around taking care of animals or working for the City, but the freedom also left me a little panicked. I felt like I was missing or late for something.

Friday night I just hung low at home. Took a bath, read my latest InStyle magazine and went to bed early. Saturday my mom and I ran around and did some shopping. (She shopped, I was there for the ride) Saturday night I ended up going out with some friends to The Loop. I've heard good things about this place and overall, I had a good time. I did however miss the memo that you need to be 5'9, 110lbs and wear leggings with heals or boots with an oversized sweater or shirt paired with fashion scarf. Needless to say, I felt a little out of place and fat and ugly. Why are there some girls out there that seem their only sole purpose is to make us feel bad about ourselves? I did manage to enjoy a few glasses of wine but ended up leaving around 11:30 and called it a night.

Sunday I slept in a little bit and headed to Grandma's in Pine City. She is always so excited when someone comes to visit. We chatted about nothing in particular and had some lunch at the A&W. Everytime I see her now, she talks more and more about "When I'm not here anymore" and her latest thing is "I'm going to pre-pay my funeral, I want to be cremated." Everytime I leave her, I always get a surge of sadness and usually cry a little bit on the way home. I never know if that will be the last time I see her or talk to her. I always try to make the most of the time we spend together. She is my everything, my rock, my #1 cheerleader. The thought of not having her in my life truly makes me sick. She is 81 going on 82 but I still have a lot of hope that she has plenty of life left. I really just want her to see me get married and have my first baby. I better get on that huh?

Sunday night I stayed busy cleaning and doing laundry. My typical Sunday afternoon/evening chores. I took another bath and started to watch for the 10th millionith time the Sex and the City series. I had some more wine and a cupcake for dinner. Healthy!

I guess my weekend "Off" was filled with busyness. I'm kind of like the engergizer bunny... I just keep going and going. I think it may be time for a vacation. I can't truly relax and settle down unless I am away from the hustle and bustle of my life. Anyone have an extra $2000 they'd like to give me so I can go away somewhere?

Bitter is the new Black

I don't know why I'm letting that D-bag of a guy who emailed me last week control my emotions. Ever since that little episode I've just been really bitter towards love and finding a special someone. I've convinced myself that there are no good guys out there and I will slowly turn into a crazy cat lady and die a lonely miserable life.

Like I've said a million times before (my apologies for being a broken record) but I just didn't picture that my life would be the way it is at this point. I honestly thought I would be married with a kid and I'm no where near any of those things. It makes me really sad to think that there is a possibility that it could never happen for me either. I did go out to dinner last night with a good friend Jessie(God bless her heart for listen to me bitch and complain) and she did cheer me up and make me feel like I am worth dating/marrying. Still... for whatever reason, I'm not feeling it. I've somehow got it imprinted on my brain that I'm un-marriable and maybe unlovable? It's crazy talk, I know but these are very real and honest thoughts I have from time to time and all too often, especially lately. It's hard to stay positive when time after time I strike out. How many frogs do I need to kiss (or get a nasty email from) before my imperfectly perfect Prince finds me or vice versa? How does one go about finding a true love anymore?

Anyways... I've decided that this being bitter thing really isn't a good look on me so I'm going to try, REALLY REALLY hard to be more positive. Supposedly when you are positive, that will attract positive things? Hmmmm we shall see. So I will leave you all with 5 things that are great about me to kick start my positivity.

1. I'm a good person
2. I have a good heart
3. I'm caring
4. I'm loving
5. I'm a freakin' catch!

And this is why I should give up dating...

As of this morning, I closed my Plenty of Fish account all because of this email I received from another fish:

"Hi... your friend in one of your pictures is hot, is she single?"

It's hard to remain positive about dating and finding a good guy when you get an upsetting email like this. I hate complaining about being single and how much I wish I could find a great guy, fall in love and get married but damn it... I'm ready!!! I've been ready for a long time now and the older I'm getting, the more panicked I am that it's not going to happen.

I just needed to vent. Tonight I will be getting a McDonald's Supersize Big Mac Meal, Chocolate Malt, and sit around and feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow will be a new day, a better day, and hopefully Mr. Right will go ahead and find me already.

I love my job!!

My boss nominated me for an award at work today!! Below is her write up and a picture of my award! I love my job, I love my boss! I am so lucky to have a job let alone one that I love and enjoy and actually WANT to come to work everyday!!

Apparel & Accessories PD&D would like to recognize JESSICA SPARLING with the award for EXECUTION & ORGANIZING.

One of the many reasons Jessica has become the “go to” person for NIT Design is her awesome organization. Not only does she keep the TEAM organized by being proactive and getting meetings out on their calendars well in advance, she also has shown a real “can-do” attitude by volunteering to help with many different things such as keeping the trend library in order, and assisting with color palette organization and trend board construction. Our Art Team has had to utilize many freelance designers, and Jessica has been in charge of keeping track of all of the contractors and monitoring that budget. Jess is a real asset to NIT Design, and we all love the sense of community she brings to our team! Congratulations, Jessica!

I'm quite the catch, for a perfect Match

No... I didn't sign up for Match.com (thinking about it though... POF has been less then desireable). I donated blood today!! I was super excited when I found out I was able to donate today as the last three times I've tried, my Iron levels have been too low. Donating blood is one of the most selfless things one can do. It takes 30 minutes of your time and you help save a life! Plus, you get really yummy snacks and get to watch movies while you donate! A little fun fact... did you know that a 4 regular oreos have 10% of the daily value of Iron??! Needless to say, I enjoyed some Oreos last night to boost my chances for a higher Iron level!

A whole lot of the same

Life has been busy. Lots of work, not much time for play. I've really kicked it into high gear with this living on a budget thing. Wah. It's good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself through this whole process and I'm sure I will continue to learn and grow for the next 12-18 months (predicted amount of time it will take me to pay this stupid SOB Bank of America line of Credit off... f!)Speaking of Bank of America, I heard this morning they are paying out their big investment bankers and estimated 30 billion dollars in bonuses. Guess who's paying that?? Ummm, me. I could be mistaken but wasn't BOA one of the MANY banks that were bailed out by the Government last year when the market crashed? I have many opinions regarding this little fact. Hmmmm... guess some people never learn.

Pet sitting has really been picking up which is good. I have a pet sitting job every weekend for the next 5 weeks. Yikes. I keep focusing on the "How much money you will be making" and not so much on the "You wont have anytime to see your family or friends" part. I'm telling you, this whole being a grown up thing really is a lot of work. I still try to make time for myself but lately that just consists of going to bed on time. It's amazing what 8 hours of sleep can do you for you.

Speaking of pet sitting, I had to deliver some feedback to a client telling them that I could no longer watch their animals in the future. It was really hard for me to do but I figured my time and sanity is worth a lot more then dealing with 2 dogs that rise my blood pressure.

Plenty of Fish is turning sour. There are so many rotten fish out there it's depressing. My account is still open but I am not really actively searching anymore. The few guys I have met or communicated with are worth my time for the first few emails, phone calls or even dates but then they turn into your typical male and start playing mind games. Not a fan. I just want a straight forward, honest guy who can make me laugh. Apparently that has become too much to ask for. I'm still a hopeFUL romantic though. I've gotta believe he is out there for me. Hopefully he is out there thinking the same thing about me, too.

I can't believe it's the middle of October already. It sounds so cliche but every year I get older, the faster time goes. You blink and you've aged 5 years. Since I'm a planner by nature I get a little panicked that I haven't accomplished so many of my goals by this point in my life. With each day, week, month, and year flying by even faster then the ones before, it doesn't make things any easier. I'm trying not to get too worked up about it and just go with the flow more. My "To Do" list will be never ending. I just need to learn to appreciate things now and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Easier said then done. That is one thing that I will always struggle with and the one thing I want so badly to overcome.

On a happier note I would just like to say that I truly appreciate and admire the guys out there that still have their manners. I was walking from the parking garage at work and the guy ahead of me held the door for me, and even let me exit the elevator before him. I just think it is so wonderful that there are still some gentlemen out there who know how to treat a lady even if they are not romantically involved or interested in them. For the record, the guy was super cute but had a wedding ring on. Damn.

That's it for now. Back to work!

A letter.

This morning I really missed you. I woke up and you were not laying next to me. I wrapped my arms around my pillow but it wasn't the same as wrapping my arms around you. I always love our morning kisses. Your eyes and smile are sweet and honest which is why they are directly connected to your heart. Just one glance and my heart melts. You make me feel so beautiful, wanted, cherished and adored. I manage to fall more in love with you then the day before. Watching you with our children brings such joy to my heart and I am so lucky that they have a father like you. The day I married you was the happiest day of my life. I knew I had found "The One." Thank you for loving and accepting me the way I am. You embody what it means to be a Man and I feel honored to be called your wife. I don't know your name or what you look like. I don't know when, where or how our love story will begin but I already know I love you. You are my best friend, my soul mate, my better half. You are imperfectly perfect for me and I can not wait to begin our journey together. So yes, this morning I really missed you, and tonight I will miss you as well. But one more day missing you just means we are one day closer to not missing each other.

A much needed break

I'm heading up to the lake tomorrow morning for a much needed break. It's been 5 months since I took a minication and I am long overdue. I'm actually taking time off from ALL of my jobs so it will be nice to truly relax and soak up some sun. I must admit that I get a little panicked at the idea of not working, AT ALL. I keep thinking about how much money I will be missing out on taking time off from working my 2nd and 3rd job. Right now, I'll be missing out on about $300. Wah... but the emotional rejuvenation is priceless and long overdue.

I feel like I've lost my spirit again. It happens all too often. Things will be good, then great, then they plateau and then I fall into a deep, deep rut. I realize that life can't always be sunshine and rainbows but I wish there were a way to get past the not so great times a bit faster or at least learn how to handle them better. My heart is heavy and my spirit is low. I'm hoping a little R&R this weekend will re-energize my mind and I'll be able to get back on the saddle again.

On a different note here are 2 new purchases I bought for my minication:

Black Shirred Halter Suit $18.99 at Old Navy. Picture really does no justice. I tried it on last night and it makes me look 10 lbs lighter! SOLD!



Cute sundress $20. Wore it yesterday to work. Very comfy. A little big. Hopefully it will shrink

I should seriously write a book

About all the stupid, embarrassing things that happen to me. This one is right up there with the ass hanging out while walking down Nicollet Mall.

I had to go into the Girl Doctor this morning because I was pretty sure that I had a (TMI WARNING) ahem, a Yeast Infection. Yuck. Sure enough, I do. The Doctor recommended a few things along with getting an over the counter medicine. I went to Target over my lunch break and couldn't find the particular medicine she recommended. So, I went up to the consultation counter to ask the Pharmacist if they had it behind the counter. Now, you would think that a Pharmacist would be a balding middle aged married guy, maybe slightly overweight and dorky glasses. But NOOOOO. God saw another opportunity to completely humiliate me, once again, and seized the moment! The Pharmacist comes up and of course it's the smokin hot just out of grad school guy, Luke. I'm talking tall, dark and handsome. Dark brown eyes, tan, nice body, cute smile. The kind that makes you blush just looking at. I kind of had a fight or flight moment. A part of me wanted to dash out of there but the courageous part just decided to stay. I asked if he had the medicine I was looking for. He then proceeded to ask me "Well do you want the cream or the ehhh the ehhh depository ehhh stuff." O.M.G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORTIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEN... he walks me over to the location where they are at and points out the kind I need. SERIOUSLY FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How the hell do you recover from that? How do you smile politely, bat your eyes and flirt with McHottie Pharmacist when he knows EXACTLY whats going on in your BIZNIZ!!! I'm sure the first thing on his mind was "Dammmn, let me get with that chick after I help her pick out the right vaginal cream!"

Seriously, I give up. From this point on, I will just accept the fact that embarrassing moments will happen and probably continue to happen. Hopefully my life can be a lesson to others. Ugh.

I need a drink.

Do I really?

Do you ever look at pictures of yourself and think "Wow... do I really look like that?" Or better yet, look at video of you and think the same question? There is a brief video clip of me on Cable 12 news. I was interviewed for the 45th Annual Robbinsdale Pet and Wheel parade that happened last Thursday in Robbinsdale. It was short 10 second chip but for those 10 seconds, it was extremely painful for me to watch. I watched the clip over and over again and picked myself apart.I kept thinking "My hair looks like a rats nest, my eyes are too squinty, my cheeks look too chubby, my voice is shaky... the list goes on. Why am I so hard on myself? Why is it hard for me to look at a picture of myself and see myself for who I am and not be so focused and obsessed with what I'm not? It might be time to put down the InStyles and reading People.com and comparing myself to what our society defines as "Beauty" and start focusing on all of the wonderful qualities I posses that truly make me a beautiful person.

I believe

That there are still good people out in the world even though we are reminded everyday of the bad.
That someone's eyes are truly connected to their heart
That a smile can make someone's day
That true beauty comes from within
That sticks and stones may break bones but words, REALLY DO hurt too.
That what doesn't kill you, DOES make you stronger
That if you stop learning, you stop living
That there is a devine plan for everyone and you choose which path to take.
That we are never given more then we can handle
That holding a sleeping baby IS the most peaceful thing anyone could ever experience
That giving and receiving love is truly a wonderful gift
That everyone at somepoint will experience a broken heart
That it sometimes takes awhile to understand the beauty in just letting go
That there is no such thing as perfection
That it is possible that one person’s imperfections can make them perfectly aligned to another’s ones heart.
That in the end everything will be ok, and if things are not ok, then it means it's not the end

All we ever want

It seems that every so often I seem to get myself in a funk where I tend to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. Last night was no exception either. I had just turned off my nightlight and I lay in bed thinking to myself "I'm alone... I am 27 and alone... what if I'm always alone... what if I grow old alone... what if I die alone..." You see the pattern. There are days when I feel pretty kick ass and proud of the fact that I am doing this whole grown up thing by myself. I am completely on my own and there is something to be said about that... but then the reality checks in and I realize that I AM DOING THIS COMPLETELY ON MY OWN and that scares me.

If someone where to ask me "Jess, are you happy?" my response would be "Yes." And I wouldn't be lying. I am "Happy" but I just feel like something is missing. I honestly thought I would be married with a kid by this point in my life and I am no where near any of those things. All I really want right now is to be wanted, needed, cherished, appreciated, loved, adored forever and ever, till death do us part etc... I hate the fact that I go to bed alone and wake up alone. It's lonely knowing that you have only yourself to take care of when everything in your heart longs for so much more.

I feel like I bring this up all too often in my blogs and I don't want to come across as a needy, emotional, desperate for love type of girl because I don't think I am THAT girl. I just want what everyone else wants when it comes to life and love... all we ever truly want, is to be wanted.

Birthday Pictures

I love my girls!!! Thank you for making me feel so special!

Happy Birthday Marilyn

A first

I had a pretty uneventful weekend. I spent most of it in front of my mom's TV watching cable and having her "Take care" of me. Some days I really miss living at home. Mainly not having the responsibilities of paying a mortgage, having to deal with an association who is completely clueless or having to listen your neighbors have crazy wild drunken sex. Barf.

I still felt pretty icky on Saturday. I had to take my medicine every 6 hours and for the first two I was just plain out of it. I'm going into the doctor today so keep your fingers crossed I can get some answers.Anyways... on Saturday evening, I was sick of being sick and decided to take a shower, put on some clothes, actually do my hair and make up and head to the mall. It has honestly been a year or so since I stepped foot into an actual Shopping Mall. I usually like to shop Target, Kohls, Penny's etc... not an actual Mall just because Malls tend to be a dangerous place for me to be. Though my intentions may be just to browse. Browsing can lead to buying and buying leads to more buying and before you know it, I've spent $500 on crap.

I did, however walk through NY and Company and found some amazing white pants for $15!!!



I have NEVER, EVER worn white pants before. 1. Because the color White and I do not get along. 2. I've always believed the myth that white makes you look bigger then you actually are. So to my great surprise, these white pants actually fit (hooray I can actually fit into NY and Co pants again!!!) and they also actually looked good!! I also picked up a cute little tunic, note this picture actually does this shirt no justice. It's super cute. Navy blue, lime green and white. Very nautical looking. So comfy and cute! I'm going to pair it with a Navy Cardigan and some cute white sandals from Target. I also picked up a pair of flower earrings and a flower statement ring




All in all, it was a good shopping trip. Total cost: $50. Not bad! Classy, chic, and on a budget. I love it.

What would you do?

Every morning I walk by the Powerball sign that shows what the Jackpot is at along with some clever remark on what you could possibly do with that astronomical amount of money. I've always fantasized what I would do if I ever won the lottery or with large amounts of cash. Here are a few things I would do if I won 109 Million Dollars (Today's Jackpot)

-Give 50% away to family, friends, and charities.

-Pay off my house, car, credit cards, school loans

-Open a pet rescue organization

-Take a year long vacation around the world. I'd like to go to Hawaii, Alaska, Australia, Hong Kong, Italy, Croatia, London, Paris, Germany, Spain, Caribbean, Argentina and then a few places in the United States that I haven't visited yet.

-Take yearly vacations twice a year.

-Donate all of my clothes, shoes, purses to charity.

-Go out and buy a whole new wardrobe.

-Attend yearly fashion shows in New York, Paris, and Milan

-Hire a stylist to do my hair and make up everyday

-Hire a personal chef

-Hire a personal trainer

-Get liposuction on my tummy, butt, thighs, and my icky back fat!

-Get a boob reduction (yes, I said reduction)

-Get weekly massages, pedicures, and manicures

- Build my dream house and purchase a vacation home or two

Promises to myself

I deserve good things
I am happy and content with my life that I have chosen to live and lead
I am blessed in so many ways
I am loved and cherished by those close to me
I am beautiful inside and out
I am never given more than I can handle
I am at peace with myself
I am at peace with my life
I will have good things happen to me
I will focus on those good things
I will attract good things to my life
I will find true love that I deserve from a man who is worthy of me and my love
I will learn to forgive myself and others who have done wrong to me
I will trust that God only has my best interests at heart and will only bring good things my way
I will accept what God gives me and be thankful for all of His gifts
I will remain positive in all situations
I will lead by example to others
I will believe that everything works out the way it is suppose too
I will accept that I am not perfect and sometimes I will fall but I will pick myself back up and be stronger and more confident and secure within myself
I will not consume myself with worry, doubt or regret. I will transform those fears into trust, hope and happiness

As of this moment, I give it ALL up. It is no longer in my hands. My life WILL be different and transformed. I will not look back on the past but only look forward to my bright future that is in store.

I'm an emotional cutter

It's Valentine's Day and I'm watching wedding shows on the WE and Style Network. That's like putting salt on an open wound. Apparently I like to torture myself and what better day to do that then on the most romantic day of the year.

I think I'll go for walk and maybe cupid will shoot me in the butt with a Valentine's Day surprise.

Thought for the day....

"Growth begins when we learn to accept our own weaknesses"

Everything will be fine in 2009

2008 has come and gone and I'm actually thankful that the Holidays are over. I took some time off from job #1 but ended up working WAY too much with Job #2 and #3. I need a vacation from my so called vacation. Needless to say I'm glad to be back at Job #1 as I seem to strive on some sense or normalty and routine.

I took a look at the list of resolutions/goals I made for myself last year and I am happy to say that I managed to achieve/keep up with most of them. Yah! I've been thinking more about what I want to accomplish in 2009 and so far I've come up with the following.

1. Take an actual vacation to a warm climate!!! I'm in the process of trying to book a flight to Florida for a long weekend to visit my friend Becky. It has been WAY too long since I've taken a TRUE vacation from all of my jobs let alone to a warm climate. I am O.V.E.R winter and this nasty cold weather/snow we've been having. I am a much happier Jessica when I am on a beach with a cocktail in my hand. So far, I have tenatively booked a minication to West Palm Beach March 4th- 9th. Yah!

2. Continue my success with Weight Watchers. So far I've lost 15 lbs (Way proud of the fact that I maintained over the Holidays especially since I grazed for 2 weeks straight) I don't want to set out an unrealistic goal for myself and say I want to loose 50 lbs by such and such a date. I just want to continue to loose at the rate I have been (a pound or two a week).

3. Invest into an actual Laptop. I figure it's 2009, I'm 26 going on 27 it's time I have a computer/laptop. I hate not having that access or ability at home. Luckily I can get a pretty good discount through work.

4. Along with taking care of myself I just want to take more time for myself too. Lately I've been running a million miles a minute. I juggle three jobs and in between that I try to visit family and friends. By the time for myself I usually end up sleeping and I hate knowing I'm wasting my me time sleeping. I think booking this minication to Florida will help. Even though I can't necessarily afford financially to take a trip, I emotionally can not afford not to. Sometimes you just need to bite the bullet and enjoy life in the moment.

5. Last but not least, as I said in a previous post, this next year I plan to focus more on the things that I already have vs. the things I despearately want. I want to learn to know what it is to be truly happy in life and what that all entails. I want to find pleasure and contentment in the small things and not worry so much in general.

Happy New Year!