Me against the music

Favorite song from the night. The Choreography is amazing (Same as Britney's). Totally makes me want to get back into shape and dancing for that matter. HOT!

Starting over

The past few weeks (honestly, the past 6 months) have been beyond emotionally draining. Extreme highs followed by even lower lows. Not only has my heart been beat up, but my mind and body are exhausted and turning on each other by getting sick and just feeling all around crumby. I hate the fact that I let someone control my emotions. I hate the fact that I trusted him with everything and not only was that trust broken, but I no longer trust, anyone. I am so jaded. So bitter. So angry. All of these emotions do not look good on me and I so desperately wish I could just snap my fingers and be happy again. I miss Jess. I don't even know who Jess is anymore.

A friend introduced me to this website www.bravegirlsclub.com a few weeks ago. I signed up for their "Daily Truth" emails for a little inspiration. A little pick me up when everything in my body just wants to feel down and sorry for myself. I got this "Daily Truth" from them on Friday and it hit me straight in my heart and I'd like to share with it you now.

Dear Authentic Girl,

If emotional funks didn't show up in our lives from time to time, we probably wouldn't stop at look at what we are doing, how are doing it, and what the consequences are of being off track. Funks kind of stop us in our tracks... even though they feel yucky, and sometimes scary... they stop us and make us think. They also make us appreciate happiness so much more once the funk is over.

Don't be afraid of funks. Sure they are highly annoying... they show up when you don't really have the time or energy to deal with them, and they sometimes stay much longer than they could possibly be needed... but they sure do make sure want to change some things when they come.

So... because of this... they really are a gift. THey are one of those paradoxical gifts of opposition that taste bitter and therefore make sure appreciate the sweet parts of our life. They whip us into action and make us stop settling for things that we shouldn't be settling for. They get us back on track so many times... they show us where we turn for comfort and who our friends are.

Roll with it baby. The funk will be over before you know it, it will be gone as fast as it came... and it will leave lots of gifts if you are open to receiving them.

You are just right. You'll be smiling and dancing again soon.

Right now, I'm still too angry and bitter to see this whole situation as a blessing. I'm still in the stage of "Why??!... Why does this keep happening??!!! When is my version of happily ever after going to happen??!!!" But, after reading this "Truth" it still gives me hope that someday, I can look back and be thankful and glad for the experience(s). That someday, somehow, all of my heartache and break will be worth it.

Jessie, wanna be my date for this one??

Out of all of my friends, I figured you'd be all about this. :)

Retail Therapy

I was needing a distraction yesterday afternoon and managed to do damage with some retail therapy. In my defense, I was in need of some new fall clothes, but managed to buy enough clothes to have a brand new outfit for each day this entire week.

First of all, Is it just me or has clothing retail totally lost its edge?? There really isn't anything TOO exciting or "I GOTTA HAVE THAT" feeling anymore. The only place I really get excited about is Antropologie, and I can't afford to spend $100 on a shirt or $200 on pants. Attention discount retailers... GO TO ANTROPOLOGIE FOR YOUR INSPIRATION AND DESIGN ACCORDINGLY.

I heart this store. If I 3 retail wishes it would be:
1. To be able to afford things at Antropologie
2. To have a wardrobe completely from Antropologie (Effortless and Vintage Chic)not to mention I wish I was able to actually FIT into their clothes.
3. To have my house decor be just like Antropologie (Vintage Chic) It's seriously just so beautiful.

Since the cheapest article of clothing there is $20 for a tank top, I made my way to the clearance rack. I managed to find a cute blue and white top. It had stripes along with florals on it. It was feminine but also had a nautical feel to it. It wasn't very fall, but I will rock it for as long as I can. It was originally $98 (gulp) I managed to get it for $42. A little steep for a shirt, but I was on a retail therapy binge and decided I needed it, deserved it, and it was too cute on not to buy it.

After Antropologie, I headed to Lane Bryant for some Bra's and Panty shopping. (Sorry if this is TMI). Lane Bryant's Bras and Panties are made by Victoria's Secret which means they actually have cute little bra/panty sets in colors other then beige, black, and white for bigger girls like myself. Their items are a bit on the pricey side, but since they are covering my boobs and butt, I am willing to pay a little extra. They had a great buy one get one 50% off bras along with 5 panties for $30 deal. Let's just say I stocked up. What is it about bra/panty shopping that makes me feel so damn cute and sexy??! It's the same feeling I get whenever I get my haircut. I feel special, cute, and pretty.

After Lane Bryant, I headed to Kohls. Normally, whenever I shop Kohls, I feel like it's a huge rummage sale and you have to scrap to find the deals. I was impressed with Kohl's in Maple Grove. They must have recently done some remodeling and the store looks great. Extremely organized and for once, it wasn't just a sea of racks full of clothes. This is where I did a lot of damage. I bought 3 dresses, 2 pairs of dress pants, and 3 tops. All of these items I can wear to work as well with out and about.

As I am recovering from my binge, I am having a little bit of buyers guilt. I'm going to let my purchases marinate a bit and decide if I should keep or return some of the items. I'm leaning more towards keep. I deserve it. It's been a rough few weeks and if this makes me happy (even if its temporary) I'll take it.

Keeping myself busy

It's been a week since the "Break-up" went down. The drama has subsided and I'm starting to get back into the routine of it just being me, again. Like any good break-up rule, you must keep yourself busy with activities as the second you sit and have a moment to realize reality, that is when sadness, regret and perhaps saying to yourself "Did I make a mistake breaking it off with him" will set in. I know in my heart that I did the right thing. Things needed to end so a new beginning could occur but I still miss him, terribly.

I have managed to get through the first week with minimal set backs. Mom has invited me over for dinner several nights, I gotten together with friends for dinners/coffees, I have a pet sitting job (4 dogs!) that will last me until Sunday night, and I just agreed to help a neighbor purge and organize her place as she gets it ready to renovate and sell. I also have made a list of projects I want to get done around my place as well. Much like the ones I listed out on my New Years goals list, but have yet to accomplish. With Fall fresh upon us, no better time to but on some grubby clothes, open the windows, blare some music and get stuff done around the house.

So,I am keeping myself busy during the day, now if I could only find something to keep me busy at night. Something to distract me before I fall asleep that will take the sadness and loneliness away. Until then, I have my kitty Lulu to cuddle and keep me warm.

It takes awhile to understand, the beauty in just letting go.

5 months. 22 weeks. 154 days. I thought he was the one. Red flags started to appear almost immediately after we started dating but figured I'd push them aside as everyone has flaws. Yesterday, at approximately 8:35am, I got a phone call that pushed me over the edge and I finally reached my breaking point.

The man I loved isn't who I thought he was. Trust has been broken along with my heart. I'm sad and hurt but mostly I'm sad and hurt for him. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough for that other person to get it together. Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted but I also feel like there is a big hole in my heart.

Everything is new and raw. I sat and stared at his side of the closet for an hour last night. It's empty.I fell asleep alone and woke up alone. Tossing and turning realizing he wasn't next to me for me to hug or hold. Waves of tears have come and gone. I try my best to keep them at bay but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can't help but feel what I need to feel.

Despite everything, I feel like I am a stronger person because of this. I have learned valuable life lessons and I'm sure I will continue to learn and grow from this. I am no stranger to the complexity of a broken heart. This seems all routine to me. I still have hope that someday, somewhere, my imperfectly perfect guy is out there. Someday we will meet and it will work. There will be trust, honesty, mutual love and respect. He will be REAL with me and I with him. Until that day comes, I am learning to be me again. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Breath in and breath out all the while knowing that this too, shall pass.