Oh Liam, how you make my heart pitter patter.

My International crush Liam just called. I’ve only met him once before in person. Before we met, I always had this vision of what he would look like. Tall, dark, and ruggedly handsome. He would also smell amazing. I met him and he was the exact opposite. Shorter, sandy blonde hair and kind of scrawny but a great taste in fashion. We have flirted back and forth via email and a few phone calls, but he is one of those guys you can’t quite figure out… 1. Is he straight? And 2. Is he married? Either way, he is incredibly charming and kind so much so that he makes me blush even over the phone. Oh, if only I knew the answer to those 2 questions! Isn’t it every girls fantasy to have some passionate love affair with an International squeeze? Since Prince William is engaged to Kate, it’s time I move on to a more realistic catch… that is if he isn’t already caught, or swinging for the other team.

My wish list...

-Un-necessary debt controlled, in fact diminished. I see the light, but still a ways to go.

-Snow boots, cute ones.

-A real piece of jewelry. Diamond earrings, necklace, something sparkly.

-The ability to just work one job.

-Laptop

-Spa package (Massage, Pedicure, Manicure)

-Someone to do my hair and make up everyday

-Cable.

-Zumba classes for a year!

-New work out gear!

-A warm weather vacation during January/February.

-A date… maybe with Joe Mauer (Hey… a girl can dream right?) but at this point, I’m ok with just a date in general.

-Someone to kiss on New Years.

-A new place to live (more to come on this in a future blog).

-Peace of mind.

-Love, Joy, and overall happiness for myself and those who I love and care for deeply.

Handle with care

I had my yearly exam this morning. I was a bit nervous for it as the results from last years exam weren’t so great, but the one thing I look forward to the most is talking with my Midwife/Nurse practitioner. Weird, I know, but I just love her. For whatever reason I just felt like today was going to be a break down day. I felt tears burning in my eyes as I waited for my name to be called but managed to hold them back. Normally my Dr. will come in before the actual exam and just go through what has been going on in the past year. Not just with my health but in life. I think it is amazing that she actually cares enough to ask and see where I am, emotionally. I shared with her my recent heartache and break and other stresses I’ve been dealing with. I managed to keep strong for most of the pre-exam questions but then she asked “How are you on the inside, Jess?” And I could’t hold it in anymore. I broke down. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes about anything and everything.

My yearly exam turned into a full on therapy session. It felt good to talk to someone and just word vomit what’s been on my mind and more importantly my heart. Depression is something I have dealt with in the past and I am very educated on what it means to be depressed and what it means to just be blue. Right now, my emotional state is just blue. I’ve always been the “Strong” one. The person who keeps plugging away and usually with a smile on her face. The person who puts everyone else’s needs above her own. A person who is even guilty of tolerating ill treatment/borderline emotional abuse because she wanted so desperately for things to work out. Truth is, I’m hurting. The past 8 months have been a roller coaster, and in fact, nearly half of my life has been unsettling. I feel like I live in a world where I am not allowed to grieve. Something tragic happens and I’m suppose to pick myself back up and keep moving on. I’m suppose to just get over it because I am better then that and deserve more. I am not allowed to feel down, or sad and if I do, there’s a pill for that. I self medicate by keeping myself busy with work. Not only because I financially need to work, but because work to me is a vacation from the reality of my situation. If I keep myself busy with things to occupy my time, then I wont have time to actually deal with my pain, my hurt.

When I was a little girl, I had a vision of what my life would look like. I would grow up with both parents, go to college, get a great job, fall in love, get married, have a family and live my version of happily ever after. Perhaps a part of me is dealing with the loss of my childhood dream of what my life would look like. The countless heartbreaking moments have no doubtedly made me a stronger person but I am still broken. I haven’t allowed myself to grieve and it is clearly affecting my life today and the decisions I make. Some of my readers may read this and think that I am just having a pity party, and you’re right, I am. But you know what… it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. It’s OK to hurt, it’s OK to be angry and it’s OK to grieve. Perhaps if we actually LET ourselves feel what we need to feel then maybe true healing can begin.

Self esteem boost

Today I was sitting in a meeting with my boss and her direct reports. Normally it is just business as usual discussion, but today we decided to do something a bit different. My boss asked for us to go around the room and for a minute straight, everyone was suppose to say all of the things they like about that other person. As much as I like to know that I am appreciated, I get terribly embarrassed when put in the spotlight. My turn was first, of course, and 3 of my co-workers including my boss spent a few minutes expressing how important I am to them and what they appreciate and admire in me. It was hard not to get choked up, because I never realized how appreciated I am. Here are a few of the things they said…

Incredibly kind
Sincere
Always willing to help
You remain positive no matter the circumstance
You are the glue that holds us together
Honest
Trustworthy
Loyal
Empathetic
Approachable
Light hearted
Funny
Optimistic

Some of the words they used to describe me, I don’t feel I am or maybe I feel I should be better at, but it was nice to know that this is how I am perceived and thought of. My work is my home away from home, and it’s nice to know that my work family thinks I’m pretty great. What a wonderful feeling.

All I'm after is some Thursday laughter

The highlight of my life lately has been 30 Rock on Netflix. Jenna Maroney is by far my favorite character. Laughter is the best medicine.

Family Portrait

I'm having an "I miss my family and the way things use to be" day.

I miss being little. I miss not having a care in the world. I miss playing catch with my Dad across the street until it was dark. I miss forcing my brother to play house outside. I miss my Mom making french toast on Saturday mornings and watching cartoons. I miss family dinners, car rides to Pine City, stories before bed, and all the hugs and kisses. My parents weren't perfect. They were young when they had me and 4 years later had my brother. They struggled but we were never without. We didn't take yearly vacations to anywhere exotic, but our memories we shared at home were priceless. My parents split after only 13 years of marriage but the picture above is a snapshot of what I will forever hold onto. All the happiness and love that was felt.

Just me

I may not be everyone's first choice...

But I am a good choice.

I don't pretend to be someone I'm not...

Because I am best at being myself.

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

This little girl is probably the most inspirational thing I have come across in awhile. I so wish I could go back to her age and see the world through her eyes. So innocent, so sweet, so unaware but yet without a care in the world. Her happiness is her number one priority and as you can see, she loves herself, her life, and everything around her to no end. Ironically, her name is Jessica. If she is able to look into the mirror and loves what she sees, then there is no reason why I can't do the same. What is your daily affirmation?

A no title post

Emotionally detaching yourself from someone is probably one of the hardest things a person can do. You love them but you know it isn’t right, yet you hold onto the good memories and you can’t help but ask “Why can’t it work out?” I miss my best friend and this just sucks that we can’t be in each others lives anymore. I promised myself that I wont let my tears be the confetti in my pity party for one anymore, so I’m trying my best to be strong but yet I still get the sting from time to time. 5 years is a long time. I grew into an adult with him. He brought out the best and worst in me. I can honestly say that out of all the people I have loved and lost in my life, he is the one I TRULY loved, whole heartedly , unconditionally, no matter what. And now I am forced to move on? I feel lost, broken, hurt, confused. Trying so hard to trust that God has bigger and better plans for me.

My Dad told me last night that he is proud of the fact that I can take care of myself and have been for several years. Little does he know that I have been taking care of myself since he decided to Divorce my Mom, Brad and myself 14 years ago. I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore. I sat at his kitchen table last night and it was taking serious effort to keep a conversation going. It shouldn't be like that. It hurts my heart that this is the life he choose, a life that doesn’t really include me in it unless it’s convenient for him. It’s hard to love someone where they are at, especially when they are your own father.

It’s November? F. Where the heck did this year go? Each year goes by faster then the year before and as I get older, the more panicked and anxious I become. Trying really hard just to focus and take care of me. It’s hard when your hearts desire is to have companionship and a family. As pathetic as this is going to sound, I got a little choked up handing out candy on Halloween. I saw all the little kids and how cute they were and their mommy's and daddy's walking with them hand in hand, taking pictures etc...My heart ached because I want so badly to have a little family of my own and for me to take them out trick or treating and to experience other milestone events. I know that marriage and being a parent isn't a bed of roses. I just feel like there is a piece of my life that is missing. When will my time come? I haven’t given up, I just hope God hasn’t forgotten or given up on me either.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Billie Holiday lately. That right there should explain my emotional state. A little down, blue, lonely but still hopeful. I see the light. Albeit a little flicker, it’s there and I’m ready for it to shine.