I have a work husband. He is my car pool buddy. We've been "Married" for awhile now. I love him like a brother but at the same time I hate him like a brother too. We argue, we make up, only to argue again. He's been a great support to me over the past few years with the ups and downs and all arounds with my life and I have been that support to him, too. He especially was and has been a great support system to me during my break up with P. He offered the "Guy's" perspective. No sugar coating. No comments of "Oh, Jess... he'll come around just be patient." Very clear cut and to the point. "He isn't the one, get over it." Almost like black coffee, straight up. No room for cream or sugar.
The other week I mentioned to him that I had started doing Weight Watchers and my goal was to lose 30 lbs by 30 years. His comments were all very supportive, until he said the following:
"Jess, if you lose some weight you will be such a catch. You have a great personality, good skin, blonde hair, blue eyes. Just lose some weight and you will be a knock out."
Ummmm, ok. I really didn't know how to take that "Feedback" other than to be very upsetting. Basically I felt he was saying that I was single because I am overweight. (Which possibly could be the case?? I like to think that there are still some good hearted, shallowless guys still out there?? I dated one after all.) Also, what the heck does "Having great skin" have anything to do with me being dateable?
I know he meant well and his comments came from a good place, but most likely not the most thought out way in communicating them. (Weird, a guy who has issues communicating) In this case, I needed a little cream and sugar in my coffee.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
30 by 30: Weekly Update
Loss/Gain: -1lb
Total lost: 3.7
Pounds to lose until goal: 26.3
Activity: Worked out EVERYDAY except Tuesday!!! If you want to know what your calf and butt muscles feel like, walk on a treadmill at full incline going 3mph for 30 minutes. Wowza.
Water Intake: At least 32 oz a day!
Healthy Habits: Continued to bring my breakfast and lunch to work this week. Started eating Salads for lunch and apples with peanut butter for snacks!
Emotional Weight Loss: Went to a Bible study at work! I didn't even realize there was Bible Studies at work!!!
I lost another pound. I know I shouldn't complain as a loss is a loss but I was hoping for more. Granted I did go out to dinner twice this week. (Going out is my weakness and downfall). I am proud of myself for working out everyday this week except for Tuesday night!! My sweat is my fat, crying. I'm crying a lot.
I have decided to set up a reward system for myself for every 5lbs I lose. I think it will be a good motivation for me to keep focused and keep going. Here is what I have come up with:
5lbs lost: Pedicure
10lbs lost: New Outfit (Typically 10lbs gone = a new pant size. Yay!)
15lbs lost: Massage.
20lbs lost: Another new outfit
25lbs lost: New work out gear
30lbs lost: Spa Day. After all that hard work to achieve my first goal, I deserve a little pampering!
I need to create a workout playlist. Right now I listen to Pandora Radio which has a good mix but I'm open to more suggestions. What are your favorite songs to push your tush to?
Total lost: 3.7
Pounds to lose until goal: 26.3
Activity: Worked out EVERYDAY except Tuesday!!! If you want to know what your calf and butt muscles feel like, walk on a treadmill at full incline going 3mph for 30 minutes. Wowza.
Water Intake: At least 32 oz a day!
Healthy Habits: Continued to bring my breakfast and lunch to work this week. Started eating Salads for lunch and apples with peanut butter for snacks!
Emotional Weight Loss: Went to a Bible study at work! I didn't even realize there was Bible Studies at work!!!
I lost another pound. I know I shouldn't complain as a loss is a loss but I was hoping for more. Granted I did go out to dinner twice this week. (Going out is my weakness and downfall). I am proud of myself for working out everyday this week except for Tuesday night!! My sweat is my fat, crying. I'm crying a lot.
I have decided to set up a reward system for myself for every 5lbs I lose. I think it will be a good motivation for me to keep focused and keep going. Here is what I have come up with:
5lbs lost: Pedicure
10lbs lost: New Outfit (Typically 10lbs gone = a new pant size. Yay!)
15lbs lost: Massage.
20lbs lost: Another new outfit
25lbs lost: New work out gear
30lbs lost: Spa Day. After all that hard work to achieve my first goal, I deserve a little pampering!
I need to create a workout playlist. Right now I listen to Pandora Radio which has a good mix but I'm open to more suggestions. What are your favorite songs to push your tush to?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Trust.
My emotional weight loss journey has proven to be far more difficult than my physical journey has been thus far. My physical plan is simple. Eat within my daily points, exercise, repeat next day. Emotional weight loss requires me to truly look at myself in the mirror and peal off the layers. It's painful but it's necessary.
As I am working through the emotional weights that are tying me down, there is one word that keeps lingering in my mind. Trust. The word “Trust” is difficult for me to hear. Whenever I hear it, read it, say it aloud I get an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I become uncomfortable and quickly want to fast forward to when it doesn't feel icky anymore.
The definition of the word Trust:
Noun:
Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Synonyms:
noun. confidence - faith - credit - reliance - belief
verb. believe - confide - rely - credit - hope - entrust
FIRM BELIEF IN RELIABILITY OF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.
CONFIDENCE, FAITH, RELIANCE, BELIEVE, HOPE
Wow. Powerful.
I want so badly to BELIEVE, HOPE, RELY, have FAITH in people but after years of disappointments and let downs my heart just can't muster up enough courage to truly trust anyone anymore. I really dislike the color of distrust on myself. I have always believed myself to be a caring, kind, loving, giving, as well with trusting person. I would trust and choose to believe the good in people until I was proved wrong.
Looking back at my life and where I have been and how far I have come, every set back and heart break were all products of broken trust. I'd be lying if I didn't say that until up to recently, I completely turned my back on God. I have been so angry and bitter towards Him for allowing my heart to endure such pain and heartache. When something good and positive would come, I'd think "Oh, finally... things are looking up." Only to be shot down later. Each short lived peak has been followed by a long valley. I can't help but whimper... "Why me?"
My issues with trust run deeper than the physical world I live in. The real issue is my inability to truly trust God with MY everything. Having patience that His timing, His reasoning, His plan is perfect. Being who I am, I automatically want to control and I am being asked to relinquish that control and I can't seem to let go. Why do I continue to hold onto these anchors that are holding me back and only causing me more pain and frustration? If God wants me to live free, than why can't He just take it away? Fair questions I'm sure everyone has struggled with at some point.
As I continue on my emotional weight loss journey, I plan on focus on BELIEVING, HOPING, RELYING, and having complete FAITH in God. Learning to let go, and TRUST that He will guide me and lead me to where I am suppose to be.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
"God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future."
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Psalm 13
"How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me."
As I am working through the emotional weights that are tying me down, there is one word that keeps lingering in my mind. Trust. The word “Trust” is difficult for me to hear. Whenever I hear it, read it, say it aloud I get an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I become uncomfortable and quickly want to fast forward to when it doesn't feel icky anymore.
The definition of the word Trust:
Noun:
Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Synonyms:
noun. confidence - faith - credit - reliance - belief
verb. believe - confide - rely - credit - hope - entrust
FIRM BELIEF IN RELIABILITY OF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.
CONFIDENCE, FAITH, RELIANCE, BELIEVE, HOPE
Wow. Powerful.
I want so badly to BELIEVE, HOPE, RELY, have FAITH in people but after years of disappointments and let downs my heart just can't muster up enough courage to truly trust anyone anymore. I really dislike the color of distrust on myself. I have always believed myself to be a caring, kind, loving, giving, as well with trusting person. I would trust and choose to believe the good in people until I was proved wrong.
Looking back at my life and where I have been and how far I have come, every set back and heart break were all products of broken trust. I'd be lying if I didn't say that until up to recently, I completely turned my back on God. I have been so angry and bitter towards Him for allowing my heart to endure such pain and heartache. When something good and positive would come, I'd think "Oh, finally... things are looking up." Only to be shot down later. Each short lived peak has been followed by a long valley. I can't help but whimper... "Why me?"
My issues with trust run deeper than the physical world I live in. The real issue is my inability to truly trust God with MY everything. Having patience that His timing, His reasoning, His plan is perfect. Being who I am, I automatically want to control and I am being asked to relinquish that control and I can't seem to let go. Why do I continue to hold onto these anchors that are holding me back and only causing me more pain and frustration? If God wants me to live free, than why can't He just take it away? Fair questions I'm sure everyone has struggled with at some point.
As I continue on my emotional weight loss journey, I plan on focus on BELIEVING, HOPING, RELYING, and having complete FAITH in God. Learning to let go, and TRUST that He will guide me and lead me to where I am suppose to be.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
"God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future."
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Psalm 13
"How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me."
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Q&A
I had 5 comments on my Don't Be Shy blog. I'm still very curious about the other peeps that visit/creep my blog... hint hint hint. I had 2 questions from followers so I thought I would take time to answer those questions along with some other random questions I found online. Hopefully you find my answers interesting and perhaps learn a little bit more about ME.
What is the one thing that you love the most about yourself?
Even though I have my moments of "Poor Me," I consider myself to be very hopeful. I never give up on anything that is important to me and I wont quit until I find what I am looking for.
If you were to change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I wish I didn't dwell so much on things that I can't change. I look back a lot, when I should be looking forward.
What do you appreciate most about your life?
Family & Friends. At the end of the day all that matters is that you loved and are loved.
What do you like to do in your spare time/on weekends?
I work part time and also pet sit. When I’m not busy with those 2 things I typically spend my free time with friends and family. In the summer I enjoy any and everything to do with being outside. Walks around the lakes, a nice patio with a glass of wine and good company, a weekend at my family’s lake place. Winter… I hibernate. Lots of movies, reruns of Friends, Office, SATC.
What’s your favorite color?
That’s tough… It really depends on the season and my mood. My décor at home is very traditional. Bold colors for the living room/kitchen while my bedroom is very Shabby Chic/Countryish. No real favorite color. I appreciate all colors in the rainbow. But… if I had to choose my favorite current color it would have to be Grey and Yellow together.
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A flight attendant.
I have an irrational fear of balloons. I know, it's crazy but they seriously freak me out.
What is the one thing that you love the most about yourself?
Even though I have my moments of "Poor Me," I consider myself to be very hopeful. I never give up on anything that is important to me and I wont quit until I find what I am looking for.
If you were to change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I wish I didn't dwell so much on things that I can't change. I look back a lot, when I should be looking forward.
What do you appreciate most about your life?
Family & Friends. At the end of the day all that matters is that you loved and are loved.
What do you like to do in your spare time/on weekends?
I work part time and also pet sit. When I’m not busy with those 2 things I typically spend my free time with friends and family. In the summer I enjoy any and everything to do with being outside. Walks around the lakes, a nice patio with a glass of wine and good company, a weekend at my family’s lake place. Winter… I hibernate. Lots of movies, reruns of Friends, Office, SATC.
What’s your favorite color?
That’s tough… It really depends on the season and my mood. My décor at home is very traditional. Bold colors for the living room/kitchen while my bedroom is very Shabby Chic/Countryish. No real favorite color. I appreciate all colors in the rainbow. But… if I had to choose my favorite current color it would have to be Grey and Yellow together.
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A flight attendant.
What do I do for work?
I work for Target Corporation. I’ve been there for 7 ½ years. My first REAL grown up job. Right now I am the Director Assistant for Technical Product Design and Development. I help manage a team of approximately 150 people. It has it’s good days and it’s bad. I’m thankful I have a job that helps me provide for myself.
I also work part time for the City of Robbinsdale in their Parks and Recreation dept. I’ve been with them for 15 years!!!!! It was my FIRST job, ever and they just can’t seem to get rid of me. It’s fun, don’t have to think work, and the extra money is nice too.
I do pet sitting on the side. I started this about 5 years ago and my mini business has grown ten fold. All of my clients are word of mouth. I’ve seriously thought about quitting my job and doing it full time or taking a huge leap of faith and starting my own business. Haven’t quite figured out the whole business aspect of it all. Sigh… dream big, right?
If you were to win $10 million, what would you do with all that money?
I would give half of it away to family, friends, churches, charities, and animals. ¼ of the other half would be spent on traveling the world. I would be on vacation for at least 2 years. The last ¼ of the half would be spent on building my dream homes… that’s right, I said homes. One here in MN, one in some tropical location where I could vacation regularly.
What is your favorite meal?
El Loro Chicken Fajita, Chips and white salsa. I am drooling right now just thinking about it. Yum
If you were to get an opportunity to live anywhere in the world, which part of the world would you choose?
Hawaii or any other tropical location. I’m a much happier Jess in a warmer climate. I could get use to paradise everyday. It would never get old. Trust me.
Best advice you’ve received?
Never be sorry for how you feel.
Best advice you can give?
Don't ever, ever, ever give up. Ever.
I have an irrational fear of balloons. I know, it's crazy but they seriously freak me out.
If you have 3 SELFISH wishes and they would come true no matter what, what would you wish for?
1. Financial Stability. Aka... not having to live check to check.
2. Being at my "Perfect" weight and all of the benefits that come along with looking and feeling good.
3. The ability to travel the world.
What is your biggest dream?
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. I want more than anything to find the RIGHT guy, fall in love, be married, have a family and live OUR version of happily ever after. I am fully aware that marriage and kids aren’t all rainbows and butterflies but I have never wanted anything more in my life than those things. I’ll never give up on that dream. And when that dream becomes reality… I’ll still blog about Life, Life and my continued pursuits of happiness.
Hakuna Matata
I went to the Lion King last night with my Dad and Step Mom. I bought the tickets as a Christmas present for the two of them. I was lucky enough to see the production 15 years ago when it first premiered here in Minneapolis and was blown away. When I found out that the show was coming back to the Cities, I decided to splurge and purchased some pretty awesome seats. Balcony, first row. I felt like a celebrity. The whole production is so well done. Make up, costumes, set design, dance choreography, and special affects are just stunning. The opening act is truly what moves you though. Takes your breath away. If you ever get the chance to see this Broadway Show, I highly recommend it! Splurge and get great seats too. I promise you, it's worth every penny.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Yes I can.
I was on the treadmill last night (Go Me!) and near the end of my power walk, I decided that I was going to run the last 5 minutes. I've never been one to run for fun but something inside me told me I could do it, so I did. And you know what? It felt good.
(Picture via Pinterest)
(Picture via Pinterest)Monday, January 23, 2012
Got Joy?
Today is my Dad's Birthday. He is 52 years young. We met at the 50's Grill for dinner. Not very Weight Watchers friendly but sharing a burger, fries, and Grasshopper Malt is. (Yes, we split everything)
My relationship with my Dad has been a challenge for the past 15 years. The past year or so, things have gotten better. We both make more of an effort to see each other try to communicate on a weekly basis when we can. It will never be what it was when I was little, but thats ok. None the less, he is my Dad and I love him. I know he supports me, cares for me, loves me, and wants nothing but good things for me. But sometimes hearing those exact words can have such an impact, especially on a day like today when I am feeling a bit deflated.
It was never my intention to make tonight about ME but somehow our conversation seem to center around what is going on in my world. As I said, I'm feeling deflated. Things at work aren't the greatest. I miss a certain somebody and really with he would just pick up the phone already. It's also winter, and I always feel icky during this time of year especially when it seems like Summer is so very far away. We had a good talk. One of those conversations you know you will remember forever. It ended with:
"I'm proud of you, Jess and you should be too. I just want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you."
Being the sappy girl that I am, it took serious effort for me not to totally break down and do the ugly cry into my grasshopper malt, but I held it together and simple said:
"I'm working on it. I'll get there."
It's the truth. I am working on it and I will get there eventually.
My Dad did offer me a good piece of advice. He said that I need to find what brings me joy and whatever that is, make time for that joy everyday. Is it sad that I'm not quite sure what brings me joy right now? Maybe finding your bliss, your joy, your true happiness is a process? Trial and error and you will find it eventually OR maybe it will find you? I wont give up on trying to figure this out. I'll get there.
I'll end this post by simply saying... I love you, Dad. Thank you for your love and support and for believing in me when I find it hard to believe in myself. I wont give up. I never have and never will.
My relationship with my Dad has been a challenge for the past 15 years. The past year or so, things have gotten better. We both make more of an effort to see each other try to communicate on a weekly basis when we can. It will never be what it was when I was little, but thats ok. None the less, he is my Dad and I love him. I know he supports me, cares for me, loves me, and wants nothing but good things for me. But sometimes hearing those exact words can have such an impact, especially on a day like today when I am feeling a bit deflated.
It was never my intention to make tonight about ME but somehow our conversation seem to center around what is going on in my world. As I said, I'm feeling deflated. Things at work aren't the greatest. I miss a certain somebody and really with he would just pick up the phone already. It's also winter, and I always feel icky during this time of year especially when it seems like Summer is so very far away. We had a good talk. One of those conversations you know you will remember forever. It ended with:
"I'm proud of you, Jess and you should be too. I just want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you."
Being the sappy girl that I am, it took serious effort for me not to totally break down and do the ugly cry into my grasshopper malt, but I held it together and simple said:
"I'm working on it. I'll get there."
It's the truth. I am working on it and I will get there eventually.
My Dad did offer me a good piece of advice. He said that I need to find what brings me joy and whatever that is, make time for that joy everyday. Is it sad that I'm not quite sure what brings me joy right now? Maybe finding your bliss, your joy, your true happiness is a process? Trial and error and you will find it eventually OR maybe it will find you? I wont give up on trying to figure this out. I'll get there.
I'll end this post by simply saying... I love you, Dad. Thank you for your love and support and for believing in me when I find it hard to believe in myself. I wont give up. I never have and never will.
Friday, January 20, 2012
30 by 30: Weekly Update
Loss/Gain: -2.7 lbs
Pounds to lose until goal: 27.3
Activity: Zumba on Tuesday, Walking x 3 a week, Elliptical Trainer x 1
Water Intake: Gallons a day (I've never peed so much in my life)
Healthy Habits: I brought my breakfast and lunch to work EVERYDAY this week!
Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devotionals, Scripture, Journaling & Blogging! :)
Well... I lost 2.7 lbs!!! Yay! It's a small step in the right direction. I get anxious on weigh in days. When I'm anxious, typically I eat but yesterday I pounded the water instead. I'm feeling good. I keep reminding myself that in 4 months I'm going to be at my first goal and it's going to feel so good to actually achieve it. I've heard that as a part of their training, marathon runners will visualize themselves running their race. Each step, each hill, each rest stop, until they reach the finish line. I like to think that I am also running a race albeit a very different one. As silly as it is going to sound, I have been visualizing what life will be like once I reach my first goal. I have visions of what I will look like, what clothes I'll be able to fit into again, and buy new! The self confidence I will gain and courage that goes along with it. Even though this stage is very much just visions of what could/will be, it feels good to have those hopes and dreams burning in my heart and mind.
It's been a good week. For those of you who are rooting me on, sending positive vibes, and prayers my way... THANK YOU... I feel them. Your encouragement and support mean a lot to me.
Relevant Scripture:
1 Corithians 10:13
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
Pounds to lose until goal: 27.3
Activity: Zumba on Tuesday, Walking x 3 a week, Elliptical Trainer x 1
Water Intake: Gallons a day (I've never peed so much in my life)
Healthy Habits: I brought my breakfast and lunch to work EVERYDAY this week!
Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devotionals, Scripture, Journaling & Blogging! :)
Well... I lost 2.7 lbs!!! Yay! It's a small step in the right direction. I get anxious on weigh in days. When I'm anxious, typically I eat but yesterday I pounded the water instead. I'm feeling good. I keep reminding myself that in 4 months I'm going to be at my first goal and it's going to feel so good to actually achieve it. I've heard that as a part of their training, marathon runners will visualize themselves running their race. Each step, each hill, each rest stop, until they reach the finish line. I like to think that I am also running a race albeit a very different one. As silly as it is going to sound, I have been visualizing what life will be like once I reach my first goal. I have visions of what I will look like, what clothes I'll be able to fit into again, and buy new! The self confidence I will gain and courage that goes along with it. Even though this stage is very much just visions of what could/will be, it feels good to have those hopes and dreams burning in my heart and mind.
It's been a good week. For those of you who are rooting me on, sending positive vibes, and prayers my way... THANK YOU... I feel them. Your encouragement and support mean a lot to me.
Relevant Scripture:
1 Corithians 10:13
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
Thursday, January 19, 2012
It's About That Time
Today I woke up and it was -11 with a -25 windchill. My bedroom windows had ice on them, from the inside. I was perfectly snuggled into my wonderland of warm blankets and sweet dreams. I hit snooze 3 times.
Minnesota winters are known to be pretty brutal. Typically they start in November and can last up to April with flurries still in May. To say that it is long and dreary is a complete understatement. This year has been quite the exception though. We have yet to get dumped on with snow. If I had to guess how much snow we have had this year I would say MAYBE 10 inches. The ground is mostly brown with a few patches of white which typically is a pile of snow that has been plowed. This morning was the first below zero degree reading. If this is our winter, that I am perfectly content... however... I'm already over it. It's about that time when I get the itch to go someplace warm.
I'm dreaming of this
And this
And this
But mostly I dream about this...
BIG sigh. Powerball is 100 Million today. 100 Million warm weather vacations I could take.
Minnesota winters are known to be pretty brutal. Typically they start in November and can last up to April with flurries still in May. To say that it is long and dreary is a complete understatement. This year has been quite the exception though. We have yet to get dumped on with snow. If I had to guess how much snow we have had this year I would say MAYBE 10 inches. The ground is mostly brown with a few patches of white which typically is a pile of snow that has been plowed. This morning was the first below zero degree reading. If this is our winter, that I am perfectly content... however... I'm already over it. It's about that time when I get the itch to go someplace warm.
I'm dreaming of this
And this
And this
But mostly I dream about this...
BIG sigh. Powerball is 100 Million today. 100 Million warm weather vacations I could take.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Don't Be Shy
Curiosity got the best of me and I finally added a Traffic Feed on my blog. I wanted to see who was visiting/creeping, and when. I know I have some random anonymous readers but didn't realize just how many! The other day I had 96 views!!! 9-6!! That is so awesome, and thank you!
In an effort to get to know my readers better, please introduce yourself by leaving a comment and answer the following questions:
1. Name/Blog Name
2. Where you are from
3. How you found my blog
4. Ask ANY and I mean ANY question you want to know about ME and I will reserve a future blog to answer.
Even if you are a friend, and OPEN follower, I'd still love you to answer!
I'm especially curious about the following readers:
Elk River,MN
Forrest Lake, MN
St. Paul, MN
Eden Prairie, MN
Chanhassen,MN
Lancaster PA
Fond Du Lac, WI
Don't be shy... Let's be bloggie friends!
In an effort to get to know my readers better, please introduce yourself by leaving a comment and answer the following questions:
1. Name/Blog Name
2. Where you are from
3. How you found my blog
4. Ask ANY and I mean ANY question you want to know about ME and I will reserve a future blog to answer.
Even if you are a friend, and OPEN follower, I'd still love you to answer!
I'm especially curious about the following readers:
Elk River,MN
Forrest Lake, MN
St. Paul, MN
Eden Prairie, MN
Chanhassen,MN
Lancaster PA
Fond Du Lac, WI
Don't be shy... Let's be bloggie friends!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Am I Ready?
I got home from work yesterday and shuffled through my mail that I forgot to pick up over the weekend. Bills, junk, and then a piece from Eharmony. Intrigued, I opened it.
"Dear Jessica,
We'd like you to consider coming back and giving us another try at finding love."
Hmmmm... how did they even know that I was single again?
My last three relationships were all products of an online dating service. After 2 strikes, I decided to give Eharmony a chance as I had heard so many good things. I signed up in May, filled out my profile, and just let it be. Though I was emotionally, physically, mentally ready to find a meaningful relationship, I didn't want to actively look as I figured if it was meant to be, someone would find me. Just over a month of subscribing to their service, P found me, contacted me, and thus began our mini whirlwind romance.
Ultimately P and I didn't work out, but I don't regret the decision to try Eharmony. Out of all of my relationships I have had in my life, P was the most promising... drama aside, of course. There was definite chemistry. Sure, we had our differences but we balanced each other well. It's an unfortunate case of "He's a great guy, just the wrong time." This breaks my heart. I often wonder what could have happened if we met a year or two earlier, or a year or two later then when we did. Would it have worked out? So many what if's still linger in my mind. One thing is for sure, we met, we dated, it ended. There is a reason for this, a plan and purpose that I am where I need to be right now. A comforting and still incredibly frustrating thought.
Am I ready to date again? I don't know. Sometimes I think getting back out there would be good for me. Meet new people, date, have fun. While the other side of me feels that I'm just not ready to be vulnerable again. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there is a part of me that still has hope that once P figures his stuff out, that there could be an "Us" again. But from my experience, when a relationship breaks up, it is because it is broken. I'll never say never but I have quickly learned that if you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed.
So, thank you Eharmony for "Thinking" and also having hope for me. I'm ok though. I have every faith that when the timing IS right, it will all work out.
"Dear Jessica,
We'd like you to consider coming back and giving us another try at finding love."
Hmmmm... how did they even know that I was single again?
My last three relationships were all products of an online dating service. After 2 strikes, I decided to give Eharmony a chance as I had heard so many good things. I signed up in May, filled out my profile, and just let it be. Though I was emotionally, physically, mentally ready to find a meaningful relationship, I didn't want to actively look as I figured if it was meant to be, someone would find me. Just over a month of subscribing to their service, P found me, contacted me, and thus began our mini whirlwind romance.
Ultimately P and I didn't work out, but I don't regret the decision to try Eharmony. Out of all of my relationships I have had in my life, P was the most promising... drama aside, of course. There was definite chemistry. Sure, we had our differences but we balanced each other well. It's an unfortunate case of "He's a great guy, just the wrong time." This breaks my heart. I often wonder what could have happened if we met a year or two earlier, or a year or two later then when we did. Would it have worked out? So many what if's still linger in my mind. One thing is for sure, we met, we dated, it ended. There is a reason for this, a plan and purpose that I am where I need to be right now. A comforting and still incredibly frustrating thought.
Am I ready to date again? I don't know. Sometimes I think getting back out there would be good for me. Meet new people, date, have fun. While the other side of me feels that I'm just not ready to be vulnerable again. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there is a part of me that still has hope that once P figures his stuff out, that there could be an "Us" again. But from my experience, when a relationship breaks up, it is because it is broken. I'll never say never but I have quickly learned that if you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed.
So, thank you Eharmony for "Thinking" and also having hope for me. I'm ok though. I have every faith that when the timing IS right, it will all work out.
Monday, January 16, 2012
There Is Still A Dream
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'
Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.
Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.
I have a dream that little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.
We've come so far... yet there is still so much more to be done.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'
Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.
Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.
I have a dream that little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.
We've come so far... yet there is still so much more to be done.
Post Its
Happy Monday!!
I am happy to report that I had an amazing weekend! It was very low key but filled with FUN activities and also some much needed R&R.
Friday night I took advantage of my Gym in my apartment and worked out! It felt great to sweat, rock out to my tunes, and just feel the stress melt off my body. After my little workout, I plopped myself on my couch and started watching the FRIENDS series again. It never gets old.
Saturday I managed to sleep in til 9am. This is unheard of for me. Usually I am up for the day by 7:30 or 8:00 am at the latest. My Brother and Dad both ref hockey (Yes, my Dad's drama is over with, finally, and is back to reffing again!) and they both reffed together on Saturday morning. It has been years since I've watched them together so I took advantage of opportunity. I can't really explain it but there was a sense of pride I had watching the two of skate together. They both are exceptional refs and did an amazing job. After the game, I met up with a friend from work and we went to see "We Bought A Zoo" at WestEnd. Good movie, a little long, but it has Matt Damon so c'mon... can't be THAT bad, right? Plus it had Animals and I'm a sucker for any movie that has animals in it. After the movie, we went for a drink(s) where I managed to get a little tipsy off 2 glasses of wine. Oops. It was a perfectly fun afternoon.
Sunday I woke up to the Sun shinning through my blinds. It inspired me to get bundled up and go for a walk OUTSIDE. A bit chilly but felt good to breathe in the cool crisp air, and soak in the Sun. I ran to Target, managed to buy myself a $20 coat (down from $70), and some new Yoga Pants. Oh, and I did end up getting stuff I actually went to Target for too. Sunday afternoon I headed to my Mom's for dinner. Super yummy. She made her version of Good Mood Food which is Mostacholi.Delish and I have left overs for Lunch today. Score! Spent the rest of Sunday lounging around my place, doing laundry, watching Friends and also the Giants/Packers game. I could really care less about Football but I am kind of glad the Giants won. I tend to cheer for the underdogs when it comes to Playoffs. I feel they earn it more and play with their hearts. My apologies to any Packer fans I may have offended.
I'll end my post today with some pictures of the Operation Beautiful Post Its I have been posting for myself around my home. As silly as this is going to sound, they work. I see them, read them, and repeat their truths daily. It's healing. They work. You should try them yourself.
Bathroom Mirror
Fridge (Isn't my little magnet cute? Sassy, just like me)
Mirror right next to my Bedroom closet
Dreaded Scale. Meh. We will be friends soon.
Vanity Mirror in Bedroom
I am happy to report that I had an amazing weekend! It was very low key but filled with FUN activities and also some much needed R&R.
Friday night I took advantage of my Gym in my apartment and worked out! It felt great to sweat, rock out to my tunes, and just feel the stress melt off my body. After my little workout, I plopped myself on my couch and started watching the FRIENDS series again. It never gets old.
Saturday I managed to sleep in til 9am. This is unheard of for me. Usually I am up for the day by 7:30 or 8:00 am at the latest. My Brother and Dad both ref hockey (Yes, my Dad's drama is over with, finally, and is back to reffing again!) and they both reffed together on Saturday morning. It has been years since I've watched them together so I took advantage of opportunity. I can't really explain it but there was a sense of pride I had watching the two of skate together. They both are exceptional refs and did an amazing job. After the game, I met up with a friend from work and we went to see "We Bought A Zoo" at WestEnd. Good movie, a little long, but it has Matt Damon so c'mon... can't be THAT bad, right? Plus it had Animals and I'm a sucker for any movie that has animals in it. After the movie, we went for a drink(s) where I managed to get a little tipsy off 2 glasses of wine. Oops. It was a perfectly fun afternoon.
Sunday I woke up to the Sun shinning through my blinds. It inspired me to get bundled up and go for a walk OUTSIDE. A bit chilly but felt good to breathe in the cool crisp air, and soak in the Sun. I ran to Target, managed to buy myself a $20 coat (down from $70), and some new Yoga Pants. Oh, and I did end up getting stuff I actually went to Target for too. Sunday afternoon I headed to my Mom's for dinner. Super yummy. She made her version of Good Mood Food which is Mostacholi.Delish and I have left overs for Lunch today. Score! Spent the rest of Sunday lounging around my place, doing laundry, watching Friends and also the Giants/Packers game. I could really care less about Football but I am kind of glad the Giants won. I tend to cheer for the underdogs when it comes to Playoffs. I feel they earn it more and play with their hearts. My apologies to any Packer fans I may have offended.
I'll end my post today with some pictures of the Operation Beautiful Post Its I have been posting for myself around my home. As silly as this is going to sound, they work. I see them, read them, and repeat their truths daily. It's healing. They work. You should try them yourself.
Bathroom Mirror
Fridge (Isn't my little magnet cute? Sassy, just like me)
Mirror right next to my Bedroom closet
Dreaded Scale. Meh. We will be friends soon.
Vanity Mirror in Bedroom
Friday, January 13, 2012
30 by 30
It's time for a change. I need desperately need a makeover and I am going to get one. This makeover requires hard work, dedication, and focus. This makeover starts from the inside first and the outside will be reflected, eventually.
I have recommitted myself to Weight Watchers again! I had huge success about 3 years ago when I lost nearly 30 lbs. Over the past 2 years I have managed to gain about 15 lbs back. What can I say, sometimes life just happens right? My first goal is to lose 30 lbs by the time I am 30. I have approximately 20 weeks to accomplish this and I know I can and WILL do this. After I reach my first goal, I plan to set another goal of 20-30 more lbs by year end. When all is said and done, I hope to shed 60lbs off my body.
I've always been a bigger girl and I am very realistic when it comes to what a healthy weight is for me. I will never be skinny. It's just not in my genetic make up. But there is more than just the physical weight I carry on my body. The emotional weight is what I really need to tackle. The next 20 weeks I will also will be focusing on the emotional weights that are are holding me hostage in my life. I have a feeling that the emotional "Weight Loss" will only help me with the physical loss, too.
So here is the plan! In order to keep myself accountable, I will be checking in with my fellow bloggie readers each Friday to keep you updated on my progress, my thoughts, my struggles, my "Aha" moments, and my successes!
Here is the plan of attack:
Use that awesome Gym that it RIGHT IN MY APARTMENT BUILDING! No excuses!! I must get my butt down there for at least 30 minutes 3-4 times a week. There is a TV, I have my head phones and can rock out to Britney Spears all I want! Must MOVE!
In addition to using my Gym , I will shake it like a Polaroid Picture every Tuesday night at Zumba!
Spending time with the Big Guy upstairs. I won a Devotional Book from Farmgirl Paints, a blogger who I absolutely adore. I have a major blog crush on her. You should check her out too. Anyways... I won this book called "Jesus Calling" Finding peace in His Presence. I have set aside time every night to read the daily devo, look up Scripture, and also journal. It's been great. It's what I need. I feel God breaking me but also healing me at the same time. Long overdue and I'm eager to see what He has in store for me as I continue to seek Him.
Find a Church, attend, get involved.
Practice the Operation Beautiful principles. I have made several post its for myself. I have scattered them around my apartment as reminders of how great I truly am.
I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS.
Ready. Set. GO!
I have recommitted myself to Weight Watchers again! I had huge success about 3 years ago when I lost nearly 30 lbs. Over the past 2 years I have managed to gain about 15 lbs back. What can I say, sometimes life just happens right? My first goal is to lose 30 lbs by the time I am 30. I have approximately 20 weeks to accomplish this and I know I can and WILL do this. After I reach my first goal, I plan to set another goal of 20-30 more lbs by year end. When all is said and done, I hope to shed 60lbs off my body.
I've always been a bigger girl and I am very realistic when it comes to what a healthy weight is for me. I will never be skinny. It's just not in my genetic make up. But there is more than just the physical weight I carry on my body. The emotional weight is what I really need to tackle. The next 20 weeks I will also will be focusing on the emotional weights that are are holding me hostage in my life. I have a feeling that the emotional "Weight Loss" will only help me with the physical loss, too.
So here is the plan! In order to keep myself accountable, I will be checking in with my fellow bloggie readers each Friday to keep you updated on my progress, my thoughts, my struggles, my "Aha" moments, and my successes!
Here is the plan of attack:
Use that awesome Gym that it RIGHT IN MY APARTMENT BUILDING! No excuses!! I must get my butt down there for at least 30 minutes 3-4 times a week. There is a TV, I have my head phones and can rock out to Britney Spears all I want! Must MOVE!
In addition to using my Gym , I will shake it like a Polaroid Picture every Tuesday night at Zumba!
Spending time with the Big Guy upstairs. I won a Devotional Book from Farmgirl Paints, a blogger who I absolutely adore. I have a major blog crush on her. You should check her out too. Anyways... I won this book called "Jesus Calling" Finding peace in His Presence. I have set aside time every night to read the daily devo, look up Scripture, and also journal. It's been great. It's what I need. I feel God breaking me but also healing me at the same time. Long overdue and I'm eager to see what He has in store for me as I continue to seek Him.
Find a Church, attend, get involved.
Practice the Operation Beautiful principles. I have made several post its for myself. I have scattered them around my apartment as reminders of how great I truly am.
I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS.
Ready. Set. GO!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Mellow Yellow
I needed some cheering up so I bought myself a yellow rose.
(This is my desk at work... I have a bunch of pictures, quotes, magnets up. My work space is my home away from home so I like it to be reflected that way.)I normally don't buy myself flowers. I've always had it stuck in my head that flowers are to be a gift, typically from a significant other or friend. Not something you buy yourself. Today I said, "Screw it." I deserve something pretty to look at and cheer me up, and what better than a yellow rose.
I looked up the meaning of this color rose and here is what I found:
Unbridled Joy
Promise of a New Beginning
Gladness
Delight
Warmth
Good Luck
Welcome Back
The words "Promise of a New Beginning" and "Welcome Back" really stuck out to me. I'm very much in a new beginning and soon enough I'll be back.
I Won't Give Up
I heard this song this morning on my ride into work. I couldn't help but just cry. I'm such a sappy mess lately. Funny how whether in love or in heartache, music speaks to your soul. At least it does for me.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Someday, Somewhere, Someone
I woke up this morning feeling tired. Restless night with weird dreams, even nightmares where I woke up and felt my heart beating out of my chest. My mind (heart) can't seem to shut off, let go, move on. It's frustrating. I have so many good things happening in my life which I should be focusing on. So many people who truly love and care about me, I should be bursting with gratitude, yet it doesn't seem to matter all because of the one person who does not seem to care.
My heart has taken another big blow of disappointment. I feel incredibly crushed because my hopes and dreams were dashed, excused, disposed of once again. Life is an everlasting learning process. One can only become wiser from learning lessons. Unfortunately for me, I tend to learn these lessons the hard and most painful way.
God created me where my heart is way too big for its own good. I am learning that this can often be viewed as easy prey. I am SO available to people that I am taken advantage of. I have learned that I make it too easy for people to not put forth any effort because I put in ALL the effort. I make it easy for people not to communicate because I am the one doing all of the communicating. I make it easy for people not to have to compromise or sacrifice because I DO all of the compromising and sacrificing. See the pattern? It took me 10 years but the biggest lesson I have learned in life thus far is I teach people how to treat me. Good or bad, I teach people by the way I carry myself, assert myself, allow myself to be treated.
Reflecting back on my past relationship with P, as horrible as it was to end things, I stood up for myself and said the way I was being treated was not ok. This was a painful realization and even more painful to actually admit to him as up to that point, I kept saying that I was strong, understanding, willing to wait. Yes, I was strong, understanding, patient but that does not mean my feelings and more importantly my needs need not be heard or met.
My heart still hurts. It stings to know that I wasn't worth more to him. Regardless of my current heart condition, I still have hope that someday, somewhere, someone will come into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else. I bought this the other day as a daily reminder to myself that I am a good person, a wonderful catch, and more importantly that there is someone out there who is looking for someone JUST LIKE ME. I know he's out there. I believe he is out there. I just wish we would find each other already.
My heart has taken another big blow of disappointment. I feel incredibly crushed because my hopes and dreams were dashed, excused, disposed of once again. Life is an everlasting learning process. One can only become wiser from learning lessons. Unfortunately for me, I tend to learn these lessons the hard and most painful way.
God created me where my heart is way too big for its own good. I am learning that this can often be viewed as easy prey. I am SO available to people that I am taken advantage of. I have learned that I make it too easy for people to not put forth any effort because I put in ALL the effort. I make it easy for people not to communicate because I am the one doing all of the communicating. I make it easy for people not to have to compromise or sacrifice because I DO all of the compromising and sacrificing. See the pattern? It took me 10 years but the biggest lesson I have learned in life thus far is I teach people how to treat me. Good or bad, I teach people by the way I carry myself, assert myself, allow myself to be treated.
Reflecting back on my past relationship with P, as horrible as it was to end things, I stood up for myself and said the way I was being treated was not ok. This was a painful realization and even more painful to actually admit to him as up to that point, I kept saying that I was strong, understanding, willing to wait. Yes, I was strong, understanding, patient but that does not mean my feelings and more importantly my needs need not be heard or met.
My heart still hurts. It stings to know that I wasn't worth more to him. Regardless of my current heart condition, I still have hope that someday, somewhere, someone will come into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else. I bought this the other day as a daily reminder to myself that I am a good person, a wonderful catch, and more importantly that there is someone out there who is looking for someone JUST LIKE ME. I know he's out there. I believe he is out there. I just wish we would find each other already.
Monday, January 9, 2012
One
Today is a hard day for me. Today is a special little girl's 1st Birthday. I had the privilege of meeting her when she was 6 months old and was fortunate to have spent a few short months with her until her Dad and I went our separate ways. I can't believe she is 1 year old. The last time I saw her was about 2 months ago when the 3 of us went to a Gopher Basketball Game. It was a great night. Special memories were made. Little did I know that, that night would be the last I would see her again. I was able to hug and kiss her good night, but didn't realize that my hug and kiss was an actual goodbye. Looking back, I wish I would've snuggled with her longer.
Before I met P, I was extremely hesitant of the idea of dating someone who had a child. 1. The thought of potentially being a step mom before I was a Mom myself really didn't settle with me well, 2. I was worried about the potential Mama Drama, and 3. I was afraid that the child(ren) wouldn't like me. When I met P and then eventually his daughter, it was extremely natural. I bonded with his daughter instantly. She melted my heart the very first time I laid eyes on her. My hesitations about dating someone with a child went away and I became more and more comfortable the more time we spent together. I don't regret my decision to date someone with a child, as when I first began my relationship with P, I knew that there was a possibility that things wouldn't work out. Granted our relationship was only 5 months long, it was long enough for me to develop strong feelings for not only her Dad, but also for her. When I broke up with P, I was also breaking up with Little Girl. Both break ups have left my heart broken, twice.
I still struggle with whether or not I made the right decision by ending things. There are days (especially today) when I just miss the two of them so much. Sometimes when you love someone and in this case 2 people, you have to love them enough to let them go, which is what I did but it still doesn't make the situation any easier. I find comfort in knowing that little girl is young enough where she wont remember me therefore she wont have to feel the pain of saying good bye, but it still doesn't take away the memories I will forever have in my heart about her. I will miss her little hands and her soft baby skin. Her beautiful blue eyes which she stole from her Dad. Her gorgeous smile and how it would instantly make you smile. Her precious little giggle and how you couldn't help but giggle with her. All of these memories have touched my heart and I will never be the same nor will I ever forget her.
Happy Birthday sweet little girl! I hope and pray that the next year will bring you all sorts of happy memories.
Before I met P, I was extremely hesitant of the idea of dating someone who had a child. 1. The thought of potentially being a step mom before I was a Mom myself really didn't settle with me well, 2. I was worried about the potential Mama Drama, and 3. I was afraid that the child(ren) wouldn't like me. When I met P and then eventually his daughter, it was extremely natural. I bonded with his daughter instantly. She melted my heart the very first time I laid eyes on her. My hesitations about dating someone with a child went away and I became more and more comfortable the more time we spent together. I don't regret my decision to date someone with a child, as when I first began my relationship with P, I knew that there was a possibility that things wouldn't work out. Granted our relationship was only 5 months long, it was long enough for me to develop strong feelings for not only her Dad, but also for her. When I broke up with P, I was also breaking up with Little Girl. Both break ups have left my heart broken, twice.
I still struggle with whether or not I made the right decision by ending things. There are days (especially today) when I just miss the two of them so much. Sometimes when you love someone and in this case 2 people, you have to love them enough to let them go, which is what I did but it still doesn't make the situation any easier. I find comfort in knowing that little girl is young enough where she wont remember me therefore she wont have to feel the pain of saying good bye, but it still doesn't take away the memories I will forever have in my heart about her. I will miss her little hands and her soft baby skin. Her beautiful blue eyes which she stole from her Dad. Her gorgeous smile and how it would instantly make you smile. Her precious little giggle and how you couldn't help but giggle with her. All of these memories have touched my heart and I will never be the same nor will I ever forget her.
Happy Birthday sweet little girl! I hope and pray that the next year will bring you all sorts of happy memories.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Blink of an eye
I still feel sick from it all. For approximately 3 seconds this morning, I felt like my time had come. The radio in my car faded in the background and I could only hear and feel my heart beating out of my chest. I was on my way to work driving East on highway 55 (Near Kare 11 for those of you who live in the Twin Cities). The speed limit is 55 for this area and I was following the speed limit. As I approached the intersection of General Mills Blvd (Right by Kare 11) and 55, there was a car that was facing West, in the left turn lane at the light. He decided that he didn't want to wait any longer and ran the red light, right in front of me and the car in the left lane next to me along with many cars behind me. We all were going 55 mph but I was the one who needed to slam on my brakes. Thankfully they worked but my car skid across the road as if I were on ice. I was inches, INCHES from hitting him. I drive a Honda Fit. A tiny little car, he was driving an even smaller car. If I would've hit him, I would've T-boned his passenger side and hit the driver side of my car. Not to mention I most likely would've been hit by the car behind me. Cars would've been totalled. Serious injuries, possible fatalities could have occurred. I truly feel lucky to be alive.
After my near accident, I hesitantly began to accelerate again. My mind was flooded with thoughts. First I felt anger and hostility for the person who nearly caused this horrific accident. I wanted to turn around and find this guy and give him a piece of my mind but realized that wouldn't have done any good. I just prayed and thanked God for protecting me. As I continued my commute to work I couldn't help but think about what could have happened if I did hit him. I thought about the people I love and how they would react to the news. I thought about the possibility of me being in the Hospital and who would take care of my responsibilities. I thought about all of the things I still hadn't accomplished in my life. I thought about the ones who I love the most and how there was still so much I wanted to tell them to make sure they knew how I much they mean to me and how much I care for them. I thought about all of the things one would probably think about when they experience something traumatic. I cried. Not because I was sad but because I was thankful that I was OK. I was protected for a reason.
As cliche as this is going to sound, the biggest lesson learned in all of this is your life can change in a blink of an eye. Never take anything for granted. Tell the ones you love, you love them. Live each day to the fullest. Be happy. Choose joy. Be thankful. And last but not least... DRIVE SAFELY!!
After my near accident, I hesitantly began to accelerate again. My mind was flooded with thoughts. First I felt anger and hostility for the person who nearly caused this horrific accident. I wanted to turn around and find this guy and give him a piece of my mind but realized that wouldn't have done any good. I just prayed and thanked God for protecting me. As I continued my commute to work I couldn't help but think about what could have happened if I did hit him. I thought about the people I love and how they would react to the news. I thought about the possibility of me being in the Hospital and who would take care of my responsibilities. I thought about all of the things I still hadn't accomplished in my life. I thought about the ones who I love the most and how there was still so much I wanted to tell them to make sure they knew how I much they mean to me and how much I care for them. I thought about all of the things one would probably think about when they experience something traumatic. I cried. Not because I was sad but because I was thankful that I was OK. I was protected for a reason.
As cliche as this is going to sound, the biggest lesson learned in all of this is your life can change in a blink of an eye. Never take anything for granted. Tell the ones you love, you love them. Live each day to the fullest. Be happy. Choose joy. Be thankful. And last but not least... DRIVE SAFELY!!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Critical Condition
I have a hard time accepting compliments. It's one of my faults. For whatever reason, I struggle with believing that the complimentor is being truthful, honest, real. I want to believe them, but I have my doubts. I'm sure it relates to me having major trust issues with people. Sometimes wounds related to broken trust take longer to heal.
Lately, I've been getting a lot of compliments about my hair, my outfits, my "Beauty." I smile, politely say thank you, but then immediately start to doubt. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just believe that what they are saying is true, real, honest, and from the heart?! I bugs me that I'm so critical and doubtful. It's not that I don't appreciate their kindness, it's that I don't believe their words to be true for myself so I have hard time accepting them as the truth for myself. Does that make sense?
The last 20 or so years, I have struggled with my self esteem, self image, loving myself, accepting myself etc... When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was first told that I was chubby. I remember vividly sitting on my Dad's back as he lay on the floor and him sitting up on my hands and knees and him saying "God, you weigh a ton." I was mortified. I also remember playing tag during recess and being told "Don't touch me, you're ugly" by the boy I had a crush on. I was heart broken. When I was in first grade, my teacher called me stupid in front of the whole class, since that day I have never felt like I was smart enough to be anything more than what I already am. I have been told by family members "You have such a pretty face, if you'd lose the weight then you'd be perfect." I know they mean well, but still their words hurt. Even in my most recent relationship when my significant other made a comment on how he could tell I don't drink Skim Milk... knife, heart. He told me I was beautiful numerous times, but hearing that one hurtful comment tore me up and all of the "You're Beautiful's" never existed. As you can imagine hearing such hurtful things as early as 6 years old has infected my brain with lies. I hold onto the lies because it's easier to believe them than to believe the truth. Enough is enough though. I can not continue to live my life this way.
I blogged the other day about Operation Beautiful. I have been leaving little post it notes around my office and on different floors at work. It makes me feel good knowing that I am potentially making others feel good. But then it dawned on me. Maybe I should be making these post it notes for myself. Lightbulb moment. I'm so critical of myself, always. I need to stop it. I need to be nice to myself vs. hiding behind humor that usually pokes fun at my "flaws." How am I ever going to let go of my past, of the lies, of the broken pieces, if I can't honestly look in the mirror and BE NICE to myself? I've created an unhealthy critical condition. A condition only I can change. From this moment, I have checked myself into emotional rehab. They say it takes 20 days to create a habit so for the next 20 days I will be focusing on truly being nice to myself. Self affirmations, saying them aloud, writing them down, over and over and over again until it sticks. Until it sinks in that it is true. Until I believe. If you catch me being negative about myself, call me out on it and make me correct the wrong with 2 rights. Seems to silly, but I need to do this if I am ever going to move past it. Operation Beautiful, Jess starts NOW.
Lately, I've been getting a lot of compliments about my hair, my outfits, my "Beauty." I smile, politely say thank you, but then immediately start to doubt. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just believe that what they are saying is true, real, honest, and from the heart?! I bugs me that I'm so critical and doubtful. It's not that I don't appreciate their kindness, it's that I don't believe their words to be true for myself so I have hard time accepting them as the truth for myself. Does that make sense?
The last 20 or so years, I have struggled with my self esteem, self image, loving myself, accepting myself etc... When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was first told that I was chubby. I remember vividly sitting on my Dad's back as he lay on the floor and him sitting up on my hands and knees and him saying "God, you weigh a ton." I was mortified. I also remember playing tag during recess and being told "Don't touch me, you're ugly" by the boy I had a crush on. I was heart broken. When I was in first grade, my teacher called me stupid in front of the whole class, since that day I have never felt like I was smart enough to be anything more than what I already am. I have been told by family members "You have such a pretty face, if you'd lose the weight then you'd be perfect." I know they mean well, but still their words hurt. Even in my most recent relationship when my significant other made a comment on how he could tell I don't drink Skim Milk... knife, heart. He told me I was beautiful numerous times, but hearing that one hurtful comment tore me up and all of the "You're Beautiful's" never existed. As you can imagine hearing such hurtful things as early as 6 years old has infected my brain with lies. I hold onto the lies because it's easier to believe them than to believe the truth. Enough is enough though. I can not continue to live my life this way.
I blogged the other day about Operation Beautiful. I have been leaving little post it notes around my office and on different floors at work. It makes me feel good knowing that I am potentially making others feel good. But then it dawned on me. Maybe I should be making these post it notes for myself. Lightbulb moment. I'm so critical of myself, always. I need to stop it. I need to be nice to myself vs. hiding behind humor that usually pokes fun at my "flaws." How am I ever going to let go of my past, of the lies, of the broken pieces, if I can't honestly look in the mirror and BE NICE to myself? I've created an unhealthy critical condition. A condition only I can change. From this moment, I have checked myself into emotional rehab. They say it takes 20 days to create a habit so for the next 20 days I will be focusing on truly being nice to myself. Self affirmations, saying them aloud, writing them down, over and over and over again until it sticks. Until it sinks in that it is true. Until I believe. If you catch me being negative about myself, call me out on it and make me correct the wrong with 2 rights. Seems to silly, but I need to do this if I am ever going to move past it. Operation Beautiful, Jess starts NOW.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Operation Beautiful
Guess What... I'm a big girl. My drivers license has my "Perfect" weight on it but the truth is it's about 30 lbs off. I sometimes shop need to shop in the Plus section because of my size. I use to be embarrassed by it, but as I am growing older I would rather be comfortable in my clothes than need to squeeze into a size that I can't breathe in. I like food. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad. Food is my comfort but it also is my enemy. I have always been "Bigger Boned" and most likely will be for the rest of my life. I've heard many a times "You have such a beautiful face, if only you'd lose the weight, then you'd be a catch." I've read countless articles, tried diets, lost weight, gained weight over and over again and for what... for me to feel like I fit into this world and it's definition of beauty? Enough already.
I was at Target last night browsing through the clearance clothing section when I came across this:
It was posted in the Plus Size section which ironically is where Target decides to house all of their clearance clothing. Nice, Target. Way to make your Plus Sized guest feel like crap by putting their clothes where all of the clearance items are. Also, have you noticed that Plus and Maternity are next to each other. This frustrates me to no end but that's another story. Anyways... this post it made me smile and also get a little emotional. I'm blaming the emotion on it being that time of the month, but in all honesty, I think it was exactly what I needed to see at that very moment. As of lately, I haven't been feeling so hot about myself, my appearance, just me in general. Isn't it so ridiculous how much a break up can mess with your self esteem, self image, your joy, your bliss? Stupid boys. I'm working through it, and yesterday was a break through moment for me. As I read those words "Your Weight is Beautiful" I actually believed them.
As soon as I got home I checked out Operation Beautiful and I was instantly inspired. It's so simple and can make a huge difference in someones life. It made a difference in mine. I have already made up a few post it notes that I plan on placing in random places today. My only hope is that it encourages and inspires others as it has done for me. Imagine... if I can make a difference in one person's life and they can make a difference in another person's life... what a HUGE difference WE all could make in this world. Go be blessed and be a blessing today and always.
I was at Target last night browsing through the clearance clothing section when I came across this:
It was posted in the Plus Size section which ironically is where Target decides to house all of their clearance clothing. Nice, Target. Way to make your Plus Sized guest feel like crap by putting their clothes where all of the clearance items are. Also, have you noticed that Plus and Maternity are next to each other. This frustrates me to no end but that's another story. Anyways... this post it made me smile and also get a little emotional. I'm blaming the emotion on it being that time of the month, but in all honesty, I think it was exactly what I needed to see at that very moment. As of lately, I haven't been feeling so hot about myself, my appearance, just me in general. Isn't it so ridiculous how much a break up can mess with your self esteem, self image, your joy, your bliss? Stupid boys. I'm working through it, and yesterday was a break through moment for me. As I read those words "Your Weight is Beautiful" I actually believed them.
As soon as I got home I checked out Operation Beautiful and I was instantly inspired. It's so simple and can make a huge difference in someones life. It made a difference in mine. I have already made up a few post it notes that I plan on placing in random places today. My only hope is that it encourages and inspires others as it has done for me. Imagine... if I can make a difference in one person's life and they can make a difference in another person's life... what a HUGE difference WE all could make in this world. Go be blessed and be a blessing today and always.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Holiday Haze
It's official... I'm hungover from the Holiday's. As much as I enjoy this time of year, I also am just as happy for them to be over with. It has been nice to have the last 10 days off from work but I have managed to keep myself extremely busy and I have a sneaking suspicion that come Tuesday morning, I am NOT going to want to get out of bed and head back to work.
A little Holiday recap...
I consumed a bazzilion calories. Fortunately, I did manage to lose about 8 lbs prior due to the break up diet I was on which consisted of Diet Coke and possibly a piece of toast. Unfortunately enough, I am pretty sure I gained back the 8 lbs plus some. FAIL. I can't think of a better time to sign myself back up for some Zumba classes and actually take advantage of the Gym that is in my apartment building. Where are you motivation?? I know you are hiding in me somewhere.
I was able to reconnect with some friends during my time off. I had a breakfast dates, lunch dates, hot tub dates, and even had some friends over to my apartment one night. I secretly love to entertain and really should do more of it. It was nice to catch up with my friends and get the scoop on what has been going on in their lives.
I did some shopping! I bought myself some new clothes which is always fun. Also picked out some new pieces of Decor for my apartment. Took advantage of the awesome after Christmas sales on Christmas Decor so I will be all set for next year. I also got some pampering done. Eyebrows waxed, hair cut and colored and splurged on some Moroccan Hair Oil. I heart that stuff. It smells amazing and makes your hair so silky smooth.
I went to a New Years party! The past few years I have been in bed by 10:30 on New Years Eve. Mostly by choice but the main reason was I always hated being the 7th wheel in a group of couples. This year I was able to go to a house party, enjoy some wine, play Kinnect, and watch the ball drop at midnight. It was fun. Met some new people, and had an enjoyable evening. It was a good way to start the New Year. I left feeling hopeful for what 2012 will bring.
Tomorrow is my last day off before I head back to work. I'm hoping to just spend the day relaxing. I could get use to this whole not working thing. I haven't missed work, not even in a little bit.
Cheers to the New Year!
A little Holiday recap...
I consumed a bazzilion calories. Fortunately, I did manage to lose about 8 lbs prior due to the break up diet I was on which consisted of Diet Coke and possibly a piece of toast. Unfortunately enough, I am pretty sure I gained back the 8 lbs plus some. FAIL. I can't think of a better time to sign myself back up for some Zumba classes and actually take advantage of the Gym that is in my apartment building. Where are you motivation?? I know you are hiding in me somewhere.
I was able to reconnect with some friends during my time off. I had a breakfast dates, lunch dates, hot tub dates, and even had some friends over to my apartment one night. I secretly love to entertain and really should do more of it. It was nice to catch up with my friends and get the scoop on what has been going on in their lives.
I did some shopping! I bought myself some new clothes which is always fun. Also picked out some new pieces of Decor for my apartment. Took advantage of the awesome after Christmas sales on Christmas Decor so I will be all set for next year. I also got some pampering done. Eyebrows waxed, hair cut and colored and splurged on some Moroccan Hair Oil. I heart that stuff. It smells amazing and makes your hair so silky smooth.
I went to a New Years party! The past few years I have been in bed by 10:30 on New Years Eve. Mostly by choice but the main reason was I always hated being the 7th wheel in a group of couples. This year I was able to go to a house party, enjoy some wine, play Kinnect, and watch the ball drop at midnight. It was fun. Met some new people, and had an enjoyable evening. It was a good way to start the New Year. I left feeling hopeful for what 2012 will bring.
Tomorrow is my last day off before I head back to work. I'm hoping to just spend the day relaxing. I could get use to this whole not working thing. I haven't missed work, not even in a little bit.
Cheers to the New Year!
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