My new normal

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Whoever said that ridiculous quote obviously hasn't had really good food. Though there probably is some truth in that statement (I wouldn't know, I've never been skinny)  I still like food. A LOT!! I'm on Day 5 of the 90 Day Challenge. Still trying to adjust to my new routine. My new normal. Not to worry, I'm still eating real food and have even allowed myself a treat here and there. All I really want is cake, deep friend goodness, and chocolate. LOTS OF CHOCOLATE. Doesn't help that today is Halloween and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups are like little 150 calorie pieces of heaven. Crrraaaapppp. I can do this. I am doing this. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Happy Halloween!! For those of you NOT on a diet, please enjoy all of those yummy Peanut Butter Cups that you steal from your kids stash for me!!!! (Don't even act like you don't do that!! I know you do! :))

90 Day Challenge

I started a 90 Day challenge on Saturday. Exactly 91 days before I leave for Hawaii. I've tried every diet under the sun. I've had success but only to find the weight creep back on. I ignored the scale the past two months. I totally admit I was eating and drinking my feelings. Disgusted with myself, I decided to give this a shot. I wont go into details what it is right now... I don't want to jinx myself. Needless to say I'm hungry, or I at least think I'm hungry. It's a mind game. Most weight loss journey's are. So far I'm doing ok. First week is usually the hardest as you are trying to adjust to a new routine. I'm hopeful this will work or at least get me on the right track. If anything, I hope to lose a few pounds before Hawaii along with gaining confidence back in myself. I figured it was time to say "Yes." It's an adjustment for me to use that word. Especially using that word to do something for ME. I think it's time. Wish me luck! 89 Days, 3 hours, 46 minutes and 50 seconds until I am on that plane to paradise!

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

Memory Lane

My Mom asked me to go to a craft fair with her on Saturday morning. I'm not much of a crafter, but do enjoy admiring others creativity. The craft fair happened to be at my old High School.  A place I haven't stepped foot in, in nearly 12 1/2 years.

Pulling into the parking lot flooded back memories of the mornings I would pull into school and how much I would regret being there. High School was not a pleasant time for me. I really didn't fit in. I wasn't a nerd, but I wasn't popular either. I had a group of friends, but then I also had "friends" who I thought were friends and they ended up not being so friendly towards me. I remember going home a lot of nights and crying myself to sleep because of rumors that were spread about me. Some were true but others were just plain mean and so completely far from the truth.

I walked the halls of the my high school trying my best to enjoy the time with my Mom, but was completely distracted by all of the memories replaying in my mind. My locker,  home room, The Gym, The cafeteria. Everything seemed so different but yet nothing seemed to have changed either. Cheerleaders were popular when I was in High School. I remember wanting to be one, but never felt pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough. I probably should've tried out for the team but the fear of rejection in front of my peers was too much to handle so I just admired them from afar.

I had two High School crushes. One was a guy who was a year older than me. We would always pass each other in the hall after 2nd period. We would smile at each other but that was about it. He was popular. Played football and basketball. I've run into him a few times since High School, usually at Target and always when I'm looking like CRAP. Awesome. I did have the opportunity to actually talk to him a year or so ago. I introduced myself and he said "I know who you are." I was shocked. Maybe I wasn't as invisible as I thought I was. I never initiated anything more with him after that. I still run into him at Target though. Always rocking the sweatpants. 

My other crush happened to be a guy in my home room. We also shared a few classes together. He made me laugh.  He always had a girlfriend. They were always super pretty and popular. I remember day dreaming of what it would be like to be his girlfriend. When he found out I wasn't going to Prom with anyone, he felt super bad and wished he didn't end up asking a Sophomore. He tried his best to make my night special regardless. I appreciated his effort. His date probably didn't appreciate it though.  I don't think he knew I had a crush on him. but I remember telling him I did after we graduated. He was flattered but gave me the "I always just liked you as a friend" speech. Classic. He moved away, has a son but not married. We are "Friends" on Facebook and that's the extent of it.

My parents divorced when I was a Freshman which didn't really help the whole High School experience  either. I was changing not only physically, and mentally but throwing the emotional piece of enduring a parents divorce was incredibly painful. I felt alone a majority of the time. I was involved in sports my Freshman year but became more of a homebody Sophomore  and Junior year. By Senior year I was so over High School life, that I ended up going to a Community College and took advantage of Post Secondary FREE credits. Seemed like a no brainer to me. Looking back, I realized I missed out on a lot by isolating myself. If I had the chance to do High School differently, I would. But, I made my choices and the experience I had, was had for a reason.

I haven't been to a High School reunion and have no plans to attend one in the future. I have forgiven the people who were mean to me but I have no desire to see them nor try to establish friendships with them now that we are adults. Maybe I am still isolating myself but I don't see the need to rehash things that I have let go from my past.  The people I care to see or talk to on a regular basis I see and talk to. Everyone else can remain in the sea of Facebook.

No into Yes

The word "No" is defeating. It makes me feel small. Insufficient. Insignificant. It makes me  question everything about myself, about life, about the direction I am going or not going. It traps me into dark places and keeps me hostage for far longer than I care to admit. Bottom line, "No" makes me feel not good enough. Lately I've been struggling to believe that I will ever hear the word "Yes" as all I ever seem to be surrounding by is "No."

 I had the TV on in the background as I was getting ready yesterday. Since I don't have cable, I have a limited number of channels that actually come in. Yesterday it was Channel 11. It was around 10:30am and there was a televised Church service going on. Typically (in my experience) those services are just begging for people to send in money along with a few praise Jesus' thrown in. Totally not my thing and usually I end up changing the channel. But in the essence of having some background noise while I was getting ready, I kept it on. As I was putting on my make up, I heard the pastor say:

"God places dreams in your heart for a reason. Though you may have heard NO in your past and you very well could continue to hear NO in the the future... someday those NO's will turn into a YES. Your YES may just be around the corner. God hasn't given up on your dreams and neither should you. Trust that each NO is getting you to your YES."

At that moment, I put down my mascara and started to pay attention for the next 20 minutes. God captured my attention and answered a prayer I've been desperate to hear an answer to. That prayer being that my hopes and dreams aren't too big to experience. Aren't too big for Him to answer. Aren't too big to be. God hears me and He will answer my hopes and and dreams when He sees fit. What I am experiencing right now is merely a difference in opinion. My timeline and His timeline are not aligned. Relinquishing that control and trusting that He has this, ALL of this, is hard. God captured my attention yesterday and probably has been trying to for quite some time.  He nudged His way back in  by way of a televised Church service. What an awesome weirdo. :)

Sh*t girls say

I needed a good laugh so I stumbled across this gem. You're welcome.

Carousel

My heart is heavy and I can't really explain why I feel the way I feel, I just do. The fear of everything changing held me back from speaking my truth. Now that I have spoken my truth, everything has changed. Was it worth it? What was the lesson learned? Was this always a part of the greater plan and purpose?  People can come quickly into your life and leave just as quickly on their way out. I can't say that I didn't try. I probably tried too much. Why must I be so available, so open, so honest with people? Why am I so afraid to say no and back away when the first tingling in my heart starts to flutter and say "This isn't right." People have a way of telling you who they really are in their actions. Maybe they were showing me all along who they were but I dismissed the reality of things. The reality and truth in their actions and words.  My life seems to be a never ending carousel ride. Up and down. Round and Round. Same pattern, different situation.

Jess, the Bread Maker

I spent Saturday afternoon/evening at a bread making class with my Mom and two Aunts. Anyone who knows me, knows that I. DO. NOT COOK. I am domestically disabled when it comes to the Kitchen. I know that the cooking/baking gene is hidden in me somewhere as my Mom and Grandma are both amazing cooks, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. My excuse has always been that it is hard to cook for one, which is true. My dinners consist of bowls of cereal, peanut butter toast, and the occasional turkey tacos. I know you're jealous.


The class was at the Smoland Inn in Alpha, Wisconsin. It was a cute little Farm filled with Horses, Cows, Chickens, and of course, kitty's! I was in animal heaven. This little cutie kitty was in a flower box just outside of their wine shop. (Yes, they had a wine shop too!) Oh fur cute, right?! Wheee.

The class ended up being a lot fun but then again, cooking/baking with wine is ALWAYS fun. I'm not about to quit my job and open a bakery anytime soon. I'll leave that up to my Mom, who actually is an amazing baker! I did have fun though and it will be a day I will remember. It was the first day I ever wore an apron, and the first day I ever made bread from scratch.  

 

P.S. I made Honey Whole Wheat, and it is amazing!

Life update

I'm still eating and drinking my feelings. Prime example: Yesterday I had cookies for breakfast, margarita, chips and salsa, fajitas for dinner. Fail. I felt so guilty when I got home that  I forced my tennis shoes on and stepped on that treadmill. I kept burping up margarita (sexy) so I limited my "Workout" to 30 minutes. I promised myself that I would actually push my tush tonight when I get home.

Someone asked me if I was a Christian because I have gay friends and support equality for them. I was completely and utterly disgusted with their comment. How incredibly ignorant for them to judge and say such a thing. Sin is sin, people. Red, yellow, black, white, gay, straight, we ALL are precious in HIS sight. I have a hard time believing that God would HATE anyone but especially HATE gays. Their sin is no more and no less than my own. No one has the right to caste judgement or limit the human and civil rights ALL people deserve. Please take into consideration this is my opinion and you are entitled to yours. I don't judge you for you stances on this subject and expect the same respect in return. Fair? I think so.

I'm so over this election. The political ads are getting to be a bit much. From the sounds of it, its going to be a tight race. I just hope it's not another 2004 re-count battle. What a mess that was. Whether you are right or left on your political beliefs, we have to give mad props to our President. He inherited a mess and in my opinion has done a pretty good job considering everything. People need to realize that things aren't going to change over night. Change takes time, it takes patience, it takes hard work, team work. It takes compromise, and sacrifice from EVERYONE!!!! Here's an idea... why don't we stop blaming the other party for all that is wrong in this country and start working together to come up with actual solutions versus pointing all of the things that are wrong. Just a thought. I digress.

Mr. Toxic tried to weasel his way back in the other day. I took a huge step and told him no. It was hard. I felt anxious in doing so, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I need to treat him as if he is a drug and I am addicted to him. I'm not addicted to who I think he is now, I'm addicted to the idea of what I thought he was, then. Haven't let go of that version of him yet. I thought I conquered this but it has become clear, I haven't. I hope I have enough courage and strength to continue to say no again in the future. Baby steps.

Work is still insane but thankfully my boss has been SO supportive and encouraging that it makes this stressful time go a lot smoother than it could be. The new hire I have been training has been going well. I've been super hard on myself in thinking I am not a good trainer/teacher but the feedback I've been getting is the exact opposite. She is thriving because I am a good teacher. This makes me feel good. Bonus points is I will have a ton to write about in my annual review. Those dreadful things are always impossible to write, but this year it will be a piece of cake (hmmm cake, stop it Jess!!!) Score!

I'm hosting a girls afternoon this coming Sunday at my place! I love to entertain and have people over. It gives me an excuse to super clean my apartment, along with pulling out my wine glasses. We are celebrating a friends birthday, and another friend will be bringing her newborn baby boy so I can get my baby fix at the same time.

This whole being 30 thing is still settling in. There are moments when I have minor freak outs when I realize I am a legit adult. The other day it happened when I was driving home from my Mom's after having dinner. I was sitting at a red light and the little voice in my head said "Holy crap, I'm an adult. I'm driving home to MY apartment where I take care of MYSELF. Holy crap." Then the light turned green, and I snapped back into reality. I'm not sure if I'll ever get used to being an adult. When did it sink in for you?

I leave for Hawaii in 108 days,  2 hours, 52 minutes and 12 seconds but who's counting?

That's it for now.

Back on the wagon

It's been 6 months since I last blogged about my 30 by 30 goal. Meh... I figured if I just ignored the scale that I would magically lose the last 20 pounds I wanted to shed by the time I was 30 years. NOT. There was one weekend in August when I decided to step back on that dreaded thing just to see how much damage I had done and was extremely surprised to see that I somehow managed to lose another 5 pounds vs. gain. That high was short lived as the next week... life happened. I went through rejection by someone I really liked, work became total insanity, and my nights and weekends turned into eating and drinking my feelings. I'm really good at that.

I leave for Hawaii in 110 days. That's 16 weeks from yesterday. That should be reason enough to get my arse in gear but still I'm struggling to find motivation. I don't have any excuses but pure laziness. Though I am exhausted, I know getting out and moving would do me good, and yet I still just sit on my couch watching SATC for the 100th time. Yesterday was bad. I slept until 10am which is odd for me as usually I am up by 7am. Had breakfast and literally just sat, read, napped, watched TV, read, napped. All day. The sun was shinning. I should've bundled up and went for a walk but instead I chose to sit on my butt and be lazy. Ugh. I remember thinking to myself that I need to change my habits otherwise it's going to get out of control again. Finally around 5pm, I threw my tennis shoes on, a hooded sweatshirt and went for a walk. It felt good to breathe in the cool air. My muscles were happy that I was moving.

As I enter into the winter months, I need to get into a routine of dragging my butt down to the fitness center in my apartment building. I was so committed last year for a good 2-3 months and then I let it go. I'm so frustrated with myself. I know I can do this. I know that I can make better choices, exercise more, eat less. Be healthier. I can lose the weight. I have lost the weight before and I can do it again. I know that when I do this, for real, I will feel so much better about myself in more ways than one so why can't I just do it already??! The term "I eat because I am unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat" rings so much truth for me. At least I realize this, whereas some people just stay in denial.

It's time to get serious. FOR REAL. Today is a new day. Time to pick myself back up, put those tennis shoes back on, and start taking care of ME!

I can't be silent

Bullying isn't just an issue for kids but we see it in adults as well. Why do we live in a world so full of hate and judgement? Why do we live in world that demands perfection and defines beauty by unrealistic standards? Everyone has a story, a past, a reason they are they way they are. Don't judge or jump to conclusions on someone based on their outward appearance. I have fallen victim to bullying because of my weight. I have struggled my entire life. I am aware of my physical flaws but it doesn't define me as a person. I too am so much more than a number on the scale. Do I need to lose weight? Absolutely, but being bullied into doing so isn't the type of encouragement I need or anyone else who struggles with weight issues needs either. Think before you speak, type, post. Be kind to one another. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Shoot for the stars...

Dear Little Jess,

You are SO loved. There will be times in your life when you will question this, but you are.You are the sunshine in so many people's lives. God has BIG plans for you. Bigger than you can ever imagine or dream of. Trust this. Trust yourself.  Never settle for anything less that what you give. You are worth it. You are smart enough, good enough, pretty enough. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn't worth having in your life.

Enjoy being little. Someday will become an actual day before you know it. You will make mistakes. When life knocks you down, pick yourself back up and try again. Don't ever give up, EVER but realize that some things you need to just let go of. Your heart will be broken a time or two. It's ok. It will still beat. You will get through it.  Be choosy. It's ok to be selfish sometimes. Don't compare yourself to others. Some days you are ahead and others behind. It's ok to be different. Only you are responsible for your happiness. 

Guard your heart. Listen to your head more. Never apologize for how you feel but realize when you need to apologize. Be honest. Be true. Be uniquely you. Life is short. Live in each moment. Be thankful. Be grateful. Give back but allow others to take care of you when you need it. It's ok to ask for help. Love always. Forgive when you need too, this includes yourself. 

Remember that your parents are human and will make mistakes. They love you. One day you will look back and realize just how much they sacrificed for you. Remember to thank them. You will ultimately end up like your Mother. It's not a bad thing. Life is what you make of it. Enjoy YOUR journey. You are special. You are beautiful. You matter. You are YOU.

Love, Future Jess

 

Dear Present Jess,

Look at you! All grown up! Remember when you wanted to rush to this point!?! Now you're here and you are doing a pretty good job!! Remember your hopes and dreams? They may have shifted a bit in the growing up process, but they are still there. Don't give up. You are smart enough, good enough, pretty enough. You are loved. Keep your chin up and continue to reach for those stars. Continue to trust the process, the journey, YOUR journey. You are uniquely you. Own it.

Love,

Yourself