ring around the rosy

Definition of Masochist:

"A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences."

He was the only person I have ever allowed myself to love but is also the only person who has truly broken me because I loved/love him. He has given me a million reasons to hate him, but yet I still feel exceptionally drawn to him whenever he manages to sneak back in. He has moved on. Practically married, and helping raise her two kids but still continues to have a "Friendship" with me that is secret. I allow this to be because the thought of still having him in my life in a minimal way is still somehow better than him not being there at all. It's not right. It's not fair. I deserve more, but in some twisted way I must enjoy the icky feeling I'm left with whenever our conversations end and the few and far between times I have seen him in the last few years since we split.

He always initiates contact. I always respond. I can't say no to him. I miss him, I miss us. We had an amazing 5 years together. More good times than bad. He brought out the best in me, but also the worst.  We had a connection. We had a special bond. I truly thought that someday he would get over his bs commitment issues and make it official with us, but he never did. I haven't let go of that dream of what if. It's holding me back. I know this and only I can do something about it.

A few weeks ago he contacted me and asked if he could stop by. I said yes. As he walked into my place, he seemed sad. I asked why he was here... he said he didn't want to go home. I didn't know what to say. My heart hurt for him. I have asked him many times why he hasn't let me go. He said it's hard to let go of someone he loves and who has had such an impact on his life. It's heart breaking. Though his actions may not necessarily align with those of someone who loves someone... I know that he does care for me and has love for me. In a letter he wrote me shortly after we split a few years ago, he told me that I was, at that time, the one true and great love of his life. It was everything I needed to hear, but too late. I moved on, and he eventually moved on too. But still, he comes back to me. I let him come back. I can't seem to say no. I can't seem to let go. This ring around the rosy back and forth game is holding me back. I hate him for this. I hate me for this. He's like a drug I can't seem to quit. I want to, but something continues to tell me to hold on.

Feel free to virtually shake me in disappointment. I have been doing the same thing mentally for years.

Falling for Fall

It's here... the dreaded F word. Fall. Though I secretly like the season, it's just a hop skip and a jump away from winter and the sun magically disappears for what seems like a century. Here is my attempt to accept that summer is gone, and fall has arrived. I think the real reasoning behind the word "Boo" is not to scare you, but to pout that summer is over. Booooooo. My sun kissed skin is slowly turning back into its whiter than snow Scandinavian roots again. No megusta. But alas... Fall is here and I'm trying hard to embrace it.

This past weekend was especially chilly. Highs in the 50's and lows near freezing. I'm still rockin' my flippy floppy's though. Until there is snow on the ground, I will stay committed! I woke up Saturday morning and decided that I needed some coffee and the chilly temps was more reason to get my favorite warm drink from Caribou... I present, the Campfire Mocha!! It's a s'more in a cup. 800 glorious caffeinated calories to jump start my day. Amazing.

I spent my weekend pet sitting. I desperately missed my bed, and kitty. I got home yesterday morning and snuggled in reading, napping, and cuddling with my beast kitty. After a good 2 hours of nothingness, I decided to bake some cookies for a friend in which I missed. They were alright... not my best attempt but there is something about baking that refreshes the senses. Warm cookies, cold glass of milk. Perfection. Perfectly fall.
Excuse my mess on my vanity. I keep saying I'm going to take a day to super clean and organize my place, but I keep finding all sorts of excuses to post pone. Funny how that happens. Side note, that Vanity was my Grandma and Grandpa's  when they first got married. My parents had it when they first got married and it was passed down to me. A very special piece. It also matches a dresser. Very shabby chic. Love.

Miss Lulu beast kitty has been exceptionally affectionate lately. The cooler temperatures encourage her to snuggle in under the covers and take advantage of Mama's warmth and vice versa. Doesn't she look so happy to be taking this picture with me?! Ha... she loves it. The selfish part of me wishes I was sharing covers with someone special, but until then, Lulu kitty will have to do. Funny how animals can fill certain voids. I'm thankful I have her. Though her love is totally conditional provided I feed her, it is nice to have something to come home too. Life would be pretty lonely without her there.

Chocolate has become my best friend lately. I love Dove Dark Chocolate and technically Dark Chocolate is suppose to be GOOD for you, so that's my justification for enjoying it so much. I also enjoy Dove because they leave your heart filled with little promises and truths... like this awesome statement:

"It's OK to be fabulous AND flawed!"

Phew, thank God! I carry a lot of flaws. A LOT. But I think I have a lot of fabulous parts to me too.  I am who I am. No excuses, no justifications.

125 days and I will be in Hawaii. :)

Sleepy

Do you ever have one of those days where you are driving, arrive somewhere but then realize you have no idea how you actually got there? Welcome to my life the past few weeks. I feel like a walking Zombie. I'm tired, no exhausted but can't seem to rest my mind, body or soul.

Work has been insane. Doing two jobs within 40 hours a week is impossible but I am thankful I have a job. My new counterpart starts on Monday but unfortunately its going to be a good 3 months until she is fully up to speed and I have been assigned her trainer/mentor. Apparently I'm an expert. It's not that I don't like helping others out, I just don't see myself as being a good teacher. When it comes to projects or tasks, I do much better on my own. I get along just fine in a group setting, but I feel I am more productive when it's just me. It's an "Opportunity" of mine, and I hope to learn patience with myself as I embark on this next three months of training someone new. I have to remind myself that a year ago, I was the one being trained in my current position.

I've been pet sitting a lot lately. The extra money is nice, but the time away from my home is not. I wish I could say no to more jobs if it doesn't fit my schedule but I feel bad and know how stressful it can be to coordinate taking care of your pet when you are heading out a town. Maybe it would be different if my clients booked my services farther out in advance vs. just a few days notice. When they say "Hey Jess, I know this is super last minute but I am leaving for 4 days tomorrow, can you stay with my dog," I kinda feel trapped and forced to say yes because if I don't, their weekend plans are ruined, but at the same time my weekend plans are ruined too. Ugh... now I'm just complaining. I need to learn to say no more, even if the thought of doing so gives me anxiety.

I'm going to another wedding next weekend and REALLY looking forward to kicking back and having a good time. My plus one plans fell through, but I have a feeling I will have a better time going solo. I already had plans to get my hair done and I may splurge and get my make up done too. I'm worth it and if I feel I look good, I know that will only boost my chances of having an even more amazing night.

Happy Friday ya'll and happy last day of Summer!

P.S. I leave for Hawaii in 128 days. :)

130 Days

When I was 6 years old, I had the opportunity to go visit family in Hawaii. I remember being SO excited. I even took swimming lessons so I could swim in the ocean. My ticket was purchased, bags were nearly packed and then a few days before we were suppose to leave, I was told that the trip wouldn't be happening. I was crushed. It has been a dream ever since that I go and visit the beautiful islands of Hawaii.

A few years ago, a friend of mine from High School moved to Honolulu. Her husband is in the military and they were stationed there. (Rough, right?!) Ever since she moved, she has been trying to get me to go visit her. Trust me, I've wanted to drop everything and not only go visit her, but flat out move there but the logical side of my brain always seems to win. Tickets are insanely expensive, and the cost of living is just as crazy too. The upside, you are in paradise and that to me, is priceless.

As I have mentioned, the past few weeks have been rough at work and outside of work hasn't been so peachy either. I reached a wall yesterday and needed a mental break so I started searching for flights to Hawaii. I emailed my friend some options to see if she was game. She was. I took last night to digest the price tag and this morning, I bit the bullet and booked the flight. Gulp. I. AM. SO. EXCITED!!!!! It has been a dream that I visit Hawaii and now it will come true in a mere 130 days. I have something to look forward to, and not to mention a nice little break from winter in January/February. I leave January 27th and come back February 6th. 9 FULL days in paradise. Bliss.

There is a good chance I may never come back to MN. I kid. Sorta. Never say never though. :)

Acceptance

In a world full of opposites, I'm learning to accept that I fit in just fine. Though I strive to be the best version of me I can possibly be, I'm not perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome.

I'm  trying to focus on those awesome parts more, and let the not so awesome just be. My imperfections are a part of me and that's ok. I'm a work in progress.  

This being a grown up thing is tough but I think I am managing ok. Some days are better than others and on those not so great days, that's what wine and chocolate is for. I've reached the point in my adulthood where it is perfectly acceptable to drink alone and have chocolate for dinner.

Someday I hope to look back at this time in my life and laugh at how silly I was for being so worried, so stressed, so anxious over things that I have no control over. My only true job right now is to focus on being me and choosing happiness. Life always works out the way it is supposed to, so why fight it? I have a blessed life and it's time I start focusing on those little blessings versus wishing for other blessings to appear. God's timing is never early, never late. Always on time. His time.

Tug of War

I had a date last night. I didn't want to go but didn't want to be rude and cancel last minute as I know what that feels like, and it's not warm and fuzzy. He was perfectly nice. A little quiet but a gentleman. We just met for drinks and shared an appetizer in which he paid. (Still getting used to this whole guys paying for things idea. I've been taking care of myself for too long and just automatically assume I pay for my half when it comes to dates). He asked if we could see each other again in which I said "Sure" but to be honest, I just don't think I am ready for a variety of different reasons.

I'm incredibly lonely but I'm realizing that this loneliness can not be filled by surrounding myself with friends, family, and potential dates. Though I want more than anything to find someone wonderful and share my life with them, it can't be rushed, and it can't be forced. Lately, even in my friendships... I've felt like it has been forced which is back firing and causing them to pull away. It's crushing. I realize that friendships change, people change. Though they may say one thing, their actions speak volumes of what it really going on, which is nothing. It's hard to digest. My fragile little heart hurts but I'm learning to let it go and trust that there is a reason I am going through this painful and icky time, again. There is a lesson I haven't learned. God isn't finished with me. I trust that He is using this loneliness to draw me closer to Him. It's an emotional tug of war but in the end, He always wins.

Meh...

I'm quickly learning how to run in heels at work. I'm convinced that this burns more calories then walking in them. Heels were the original "Shapeups."

My new boss is amazing. Even though work life is insane, she keeps me sane and truly allows me to be ME. It feels great to have such a supportive and understanding leader.

I get home from work and my brain literally turns into mush. I know I need to get out and exercise, but eating ice cream for dinner on my couch seems to be winning.

It's dark at 7:30pm. No me gusta.

I started watching SATC for the 100th time. It never gets old.

I love "Sleeping" with the windows opened at night. Cool and crisp air. Love cuddling up with my fuzzy blanket.

Still sleeping like crap.

I'm really good at reading in between the lines even though I try really hard to dismiss it.

It's funny how lies become the truth.

My intuition still has a 98% accuracy rate. I need to listen to it more.

I have a blind date tomorrow night. Not sure if I have the energy to go through this again. Dating is such a game and I suck at it. Also, not quite sure if I am "Ready" yet. My head says  "Get your a$$ out there!!!" but my heart says "Whoa... this is scary."

I bought a really nice but really expensive pair of jeans a few weeks ago. They fit perfectly. Like legit PERFECT. This isn't good for my bank account.

I re-signed my lease on my apartment. Can't believe it's been 18 months since I moved in. Also can't believe it's been a year since my Condo craziness has been over with. Life flies by in some areas but seems to drag on in other areas. Why is that?

I'm in a funk. I'm not my normal happy go lucky, hopeful, rainbows and sunshine self. People are noticing, I hate that. I would like to fast forward to the happy valley again. I know I will get there. This life stuff is tough but I'm figuring it out the best way I know how.

Please & Thank-you

I bought this little gem on Saturday. It seemed too appropriate to not have at work given the insanity I am finding myself in. Makes me giggle, and people are actually listening. It's the little things in life that keep us going. My little thing this week just happens to be a plaque, strategically placed on my desk, next to my candy dish. Happy Monday!

It's been a week

I always regret taking anytime off from work as I always seem to have to play catch up for an entire week after just taking one simple 8 hour day off, even on a Holiday weekend no less! I started my Tuesday off clocking in at work at 6:30am. The sun was barely up, and neither was I. I knew Tuesday was going to be a rough day. My counterpart Admin recently was promoted and I'm the lucky one who gets to pick up the slack. Expect more, pay less... right?

My brain has felt like it was going to explode this entire week. It's been a week of eating on the go, lucky to get 2 minutes for a bathroom break, and the only fresh air I seemed to get was the car ride home at the end of the day, expect for Tuesday in which I had an unexpected but very welcome invitation to enjoy an evening outdoors with a friend.

I'm exhausted, but can't seem to muster any good sleep except by tricking myself with some Tylenol PM. I wake up still tired, and a little shaky. After 3 days of pure craziness of work, I sent my Dad a text last night asking him if I could come sit in his hot tub and him feed me cocktails for dinner. Seemed appropriate, and he obliged. Ended up having Brinner (Breakfast for dinner) and Dreamsicles. Weird combo, but it was tasty and the hot jets felt good on my stressed filled body.

Even though I have a supportive family and friends who cheer me up in times of chaos, It's been a week when I really wish I had someone I could come home to. Someone to wrap me up in their arms, rub my neck and back, kiss my forehead and tell me its all going to be ok. It's been kind of a lonely week. Lulu kitty helps, but it's not the same kind of comfort and company I am missing these days. Instead of wishing things were different, I'm trying to learn to appreciate these alone times as moments when I am growing in my independence knowing that I can and do take care of myself quite nicely. There is something to be said about that. Something I don't give myself nearly enough credit for and should.

Purpose

I believe that everyone has a plan and purpose that is given to their life. Some people figure this out early on  while others like myself, take a bit longer to find their way, their path, their purpose. My heart longs for so much more while my head struggles with whether I will ever achieve such things. Some days I feel I am being selfish shooting for stars that seem so far out of reach. I have been blessed with a good life. Shouldn't that be enough? Am I bad person because I want more? I deserve more? I see and believe that there is more for me then this? I don't know what's next for me but I feel there is change coming. I'm ready. I'm willing. I'm open.