Leap Day

I started off my Leap Day waking up to 7 inches of snow with a good 1-2 inches of water/ice underneath it. Since I am still pet sitting, I needed to shovel my way out. Managed to pull my back in the process and can only find comfort slouching over as I sit. I also spent my morning getting stuck on a hill trying to leave the development where I am staying. 4 cars (2 of them were trucks) whizzed by me and didn't even offer to stop and help me out. Minnesota nice didn't exist this morning. After a good ten minutes of rocking back and forth, and burning my tires deeper into the snow and ice, I managed to get myself out. I pick up my car pooler only 25 minutes later than I normally do and we made our trek into work. He was all excited about the snow and was talking up a storm on how pretty it was blah blah blah. I wanted to smack him. He is the one with the big truck and yet I was driving my little Honda Fit. Grrrrr. The highway was like a washboard. My poor car is probably way out of alignment now. It was awful. I started my trek into work at 6:45am and made it into work at 8:20am. Normally it takes me 15 minutes tops. Is it too early to have a cocktail? The day can only get better, right?

Happy Freakin' Leap Day!

Why Being Single Is Awesome

I can sleep in
I can spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothes or shoes
I can get my baby fix on friend’s kids and then give them back when they start to cry or have a stinky diaper
I can go away for the weekend last minute
I can leave my place as messy or as clean as I want
I can read smutty magazines
I can watch Maury
I can have girly décor
I can get bi weekly pedicures
I can go out on the town and ENJOY a few beverages without having to worry about being up by a certain time the next day
I can hog the covers
I can sleep in the middle of my bed
I can use all the hot water in the morning for my shower
I can sit in the bathtub for hours
I can listen to MY music in the car
I can sing as loud as I want and off key
I can have full control of the remote control
I can wear sweats on nights and weekends
I can not shower all weekend if I want too
I can take as many Zumba classes as I want
I can burn my smelly candles
I can go make up free
I can watch the Notebook and cry like a little girl whenever I want
I can drink a bottle of wine, have chips and salsa con queso for dinner (Yes, I’ve done this)
I can talk to my cat like she understands me without feeling like a crazy cat lady
I can work out whenever I want
I can eat ice cream for breakfast
I can get my hair cut and colored without having to explain why I spent so much getting my hair done.
I can walk around my place naked
I can be 100% me.

The #1 reason why being single isn’t awesome:

At the end of the day… all anyone ever wants in life, is to be wanted, needed, appreciated, adored, loved, forever and ever. Sigh. I’m having one of those days.

I Am Second

In my work Bible Study, I came across a website called I Am Second. The site has a lot videos of celebrities, atheletes, and normal people like you and me sharing their stories of how they learned to put God first, and themselves 2nd. I came across Michelle Aguilar's video... she is one of the Biggest Loser winners. I listened to her story and just sobbed. I felt her pain because we share similarities from icky pasts. Listen to her story, try not to cry, and I promise you, you will feel a sense of hope afterwards. The site has a ton of other stories for you to listen to. No topic is off limits. This is proof that God can take anyone, from any situation and turn it into something wonderful. Something good. Something beautiful.

Seconds - I Am Second

30 by 30: Weekly Update

Loss/Gain: 0

Total lost: 4.6

Pounds to lose until goal: 25.4

Activity: Meh

Water Intake: At least 32 oz a day.

Healthy Habits: Meh

Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devos, Soul Restoration Class

Ok... I didn't gain. I didn't lose. I stayed the same. Meh. I'm in the middle of a 3 week pet sitting job and it's really cramping my style. My routine is all messed up and I'm slacking on my dedication. I have one more week of chaos and then I'll be back to "Normal."

I miss my bed. I miss my cat. I miss my Gym. I miss eating normal meals vs. cereal or cheese and crackers. I miss my NEW normal routine. As much as I enjoy pet sitting, and as nice as the extra cash is... 3 weeks away from home is 2 weeks too long. Lesson learned. I hope my cat will learn to love me again. She's pretty pissed at me right now. Waaah. Don't blame her. I'm pretty pissy too. Ha.

Feel. Heal. Deal.

A year ago I was in the middle of trying to short sell my Condo. I remember blogging about it, a lot. Out of curiosity, I looked up what I wrote about exactly one year ago today. Wow... look how far I've come. There are still some bumps and bruises and a few scars that may never go away, but for the most part I did it!! I don't usually toot my own horn but in this case, I have every right to say "GO ME!"

Life is anything but easy. I've had my share of obstacles and set backs, heart aches, and many heart breaks but I've always managed to get through everything. Some say I dwell too much and should just get over things quicker. Maybe they are right? But you know what... that's now how God made me. I'm a thinker, a feeler, and an emotional healer. My heart is big and fragile. When it hurts, IT HURTS and it takes awhile to rebuild its strength and courage. Even though it may take me some time to process life's set backs and disappointments, I always get to the other side and I'm able to look back and be not only thankful but also carry a sense of pride and accomplishment.

I believe myself to be a survivor. When I'm knocked down, I get back up. I keep moving forward (with a few steps back) but manage to get myself back on track. I am learning to allow myself to feel, heal and deal. Though it may take me longer than what's "normal," I don't mind. I'm unique and it's ok to be different.

It will be interesting to look back a year from now and see how far I've come yet again. It's exciting to think about but also leaves me a bit anxious and unsure. One thing is for sure, I won't give up, ever. I'm pretty stubborn like that.

No Shame. No Blame.

I started my online Soul Restoration class last night. As I was reading through the weeks lesson, art project, and journal prompts, I found myself getting emotional but in a good way. A part of me felt ashamed that I have allowed myself to get to this point but the number one rule in this class is NO SHAME, NO BLAME. I am who I am (and I'm pretty fantastic) and I'm at where I'm at (and it's ok) Powerful, right? I have a week to work through the lesson, art project and can journal all I want. Maybe it's the newness and excitement of starting something new, but I feel hopeful that this will be the turning point for me and I can FINALLY tackle and rid myself of the mucky anchors that have taken control over my life, my happiness, my joy, my bliss.

(Picture found via Pinterest)

Why does God...

My Great Aunt has been battling MS for the majority of her life. It's been sad to watch her body slowly deteriorate. I've felt so helpless for her as it is in my nature to help others or make things easier for them. She's been tough, strong, and courageous as she has battled this icky disease and I've always admired her for that. Unfortunately she suffered a massive stroke last week and has been in the Hospital ever since. She has been non-responsive since Sunday. The Doctors have determined that due to her MS and the severe damage caused by the stroke, it's only a matter of time until she passes. My Great Uncle made the decision to have her moved back to their home where she will receive Hospice care and eventually pass in the comforts of her home.

Death is a part of life. I get it. I understand it. But what I don't understand is why God allows some people to suffer in their last days or even moments of life? What's the good and purpose in that? I am not sure if my Great Aunt is a believer but I like to think that when anyone's "Time" comes, that there is peace, comfort, acceptance and the opportunity to SEE and BELIEVE. My heart breaks for her and my uncle. It's been a long and rough road for the both of them. My only hope and prayer is that they both feel peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Because it's the RIGHT thing to do.

I ran to Target today over my lunch break. As I was checking out and paying for my items, I opted to get $10 back so I could buy lunch, as I RARELY ever have cash on me. I bought lunch and grabbed into my bag and pulled out a $20. I was a bit confused as I only had a few dollars and change in my wallet and was positive I asked for $10 cash back and not $20. I paid for my lunch using the $20 and looked for my Target receipt just to confirm that I in fact asked for $10. Sure enough, the cashier gave me MORE money back. I will admit, for about a second I thought to myself "Dang, it's my lucky day!" But it was short lived and decided to walk back to Target and return the $10 extra dollars.

I found the cashier who took care of the transaction. English wasn't her first language so she was a bit confused as to why I was back and giving her money no less. I explained to her what happened and she apologized for the confusion. I told her no need to apologize, just wanted to make sure her register was balanced at the end of the day. The woman behind me in line said "You are going to Heaven. So few people in the world would've done what you just did. God bless you." I just smiled and told her "Thank you for your kind words but I was only doing what was right."

I believe in Karma but I also believe in just being a good person. It's not that hard. It's quite simple actually, but unfortunately we live in a very selfish world. Maybe my unselfish "Act" will inspire others to follow suit. One can only hope.

Cowboys are Sexy

I spent Friday night in the Target Executive Suite watching the Jason Aldean & Luke Bryan concert. No big deal. (Ok... I did feel like a big deal... a REALLY big deal!)

Every now and then Target will give away tickets to shows etc... I put my name in about a month ago for these tickets and sure enough I won! Not the biggest Country fan but figured it was a free show so why not!?! I brought my friend Becky and we had a great time. I also re-confirmed my love for Cowboys. Yeeehaaw!


I wonder why there are so many Trucks in the parking lot??! Wait... is this a Country Concert?!


Me and Becks. Isn't she pretty?! Love her.


Meet Luke. Swoon. Guy in a tshirt, and jeans AND a baseball cap. Heaven in human form. (He's married. Of course. Not like I had a chance to begin with.)


Becky and I got bored in between Luke and Jason's set so we started taking pictures. This one is probably my favorite. Becky looks flawless (as always) and then there's me. Crazy eyes.


Mr. Jason Aldean making his grand entrance. I'm pretty sure my ears went numb after this point.


Favorite song of the night (and the only one I actually knew!)

I'm a Brave Girl

I'm taking a "Pass" on my weekly check in on my 30 by 30 goal. Not going to make any excuses but I just wasn't feeling it this week and didn't follow my plan. That's all.

Now, onto some exciting news. After nearly 2 years of following this blog I have finally decided to bite the bullet and sign up for one of their online courses. I read this post yesterday and it completely broke me down and made me realize once again how desperate I need change in life. I read Melody's words and it was as if she was writing her blog directly to me. I had goosebumps and basically sobbed as I read on. As I type this I have tears in my eyes. That's how bad my pain has gotten. But you know what?! It's ok!! I'm going to be OK! I signed up for the Brave Girls Club Soul Restoration class. I have taken the first step of many to finally tackle what's holding me back. I feel like a prisoner in my own life and and I only have myself to blame because I am the one who has allowed myself to get to this point.

The next 8 weeks are going to be tough but I have every faith something beautiful will come from it. I'm going to be diving into icky issues but through the art of "Soul Crafting" (creative art projects, collage, journaling, etc) I will learn to become "unstuck" and become my BEST and TRUE self again. Why now? Because it's never too late to become the person I was always meant to be. I'm about to be 30. It's time. This will help me tremendously in my emotional weight loss, perhaps be the biggest and most effective help if I let it be that way. My heart, soul, and mind are all open. I am ready for change. Are you in need of a change? If so, I encourage you to look into signing up for the online class too. Perhaps we could be BRAVE GIRLS together?

New Day

Conversation with a friend from work yesterday

Friend: How are you doing, Jess?

Me: I'm doing ok.

Friend: No you're not. I can tell you're not ok

Me: I'm just trying my best to sort through some things right now. Some days are good, some days are bad.

Friend: The most tragic thing is seeing you and your beautiful spirit be masked by your broken smile

Me: (Gulp)

Friend: Don't let Jess be gone for too long. We miss her.

Me: I'm working on it. I'll get there.

Friend: Whatever is troubling you will be ok. Don't let it win. Don't let it steal your joy, your happiness, your bliss.

Me: I promise I'll find it again.

Friend: Good. (Gives me a hug)



Yesterday was rough. I was not in a good place. I find myself getting addicted to a certain kind of sadness. It's all consuming and very destructive. It steals precious things away from me like happiness, joy, and bliss. I hate that I let myself get to these points, and all too often. I went to bed last night feeling exhausted. My only prayer was that I get rest.

I woke up this morning still tired but hopeful that today was going to be better than yesterday. As I drove to work, I was distracted by the most beautiful sunrise. I felt as if it was God's way of painting me a pretty picture to remind me that today is a new day, filled with endless possibilities. Funny how when you stop and look around, there are lots of little reminders that everything is going to be ok. So today, I will remember to look for those little reminders of God's love.

Philippians 4:8-9
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

Build a Boyfriend

Dear Cupid,

I think I need to level set my expectations when it comes what I am looking for in a mate. Up until this point, my dating career has been less than desirable. I thought I would do you the favor and send you a list of what qualities I am looking for in my Ideal Man. Please look it over, maybe have an offline discussion with God, and see if you both agree.

I look forward to what you both come up with. Until then, I will try my best to be patient.

Sincerely,
Forever Hopeful Jess

My Ideal Man:
Tall
Sense of Humor
Sweet
Caring
Kind
Giving
Empathetic
Patient
Intelligent
Responsible
Honest
Trustworthy
Playful
Romantic
Communicates
Passionate
Affectionate
Likes Animals
Wants Children
Dedicated
Driven
Hard Working
Believes in God
Open Minded
Outgoing
Considerate
Loving
Independent
Thoughtful
Present
Emotionally Available

My Non Negotiables:
Liar
Cheater
Deceiver
Cheap
Ignorant
Pompous
Arrogant
Being kept a secret
Disrespectful
Painfully Shy
Closed off emotionally
Irresponsible
Lazy
Smoker or Heavy Drinker
Drugs
Mama's Boy
Mean Spirited
Abusive
Shallow
Vain
Baby Mama Drama (I will date someone with a child, but Mama Drama must be concealed and I must not be dragged in)

I think that pretty much covers it. Anything else I need to or should add?

15 Years

On February 13th, 1997 my life changed forever. My parents divorced after nearly 15 years of marriage. My family became a statistic. My life would never be the same. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the divorce still affects me. I think anyone who has gone through a divorce or was a child of divorce can agree that it leaves an imprint on your heart. For me, it's the invisible baggage I carry around with me. Another anchor (and quite possibly the biggest one) that is holding me back in my life.

Without going into too much detail, my parents divorce was an emotional icky mess. I consider myself lucky as I know some divorces are far more icky than what I had to endure. I was 13 years old when my parents split and 14 years old when they officially divorced. Not only was I changing physically, but I was changing mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Looking back at that little girl, I couldn't fully comprehend the complexity of what was happening. As an adult (and as someone who has experienced more than her fair share of brokenness) I STILL don't fully understand. To me, marriage is a holy sacrament. A covenant, a promise. We are human. Mistakes are made. But how do you give up on a marriage? How do you give up on your family? How do you break that promise? I still feel I am searching for God's plan and purpose and what the "Good" was and is in this situation.

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome."

I can attest to the truth of that statement. I have scars and they still hurt. Some days more than others. Today is one of those days.



This video is a bit dark, but the words pretty much sum up what a child feels (what I felt, and still feel) about divorce.

Wow... my posts that past few weeks have been very Debbie Downer. That needs to change. I promise to write something happy and light tomorrow... it is my favorite Holiday, after all.(Sarcastic eye rolling). Either way, I will post something positive. You all have my word.

Curiosity Killed the Cat...

Curiosity crushed my heart.

Disclaimer: This will be my very last post about the infamous "P." I received an unwanted wake up call this weekend and I need to release this anger, pain, hurt, sadness once and for all and I feel putting it in writing will help me in the healing process.

Back story...

Friday was like any other typical Friday night. I had dinner, did some laundry, worked out and watched some TV. Around 9:30 pm, I noticed my phone was blinking. I had an email, from P. My heart stopped for a second and I questioned if I wanted to read what he wrote. I sat on my couch for a good 10 minutes contemplating if I was ready to read his words. Up to this point, I hadn't truly heard from him in nearly 2 months. I took a deep breath and opened his email. He proceeded to "apologize" without actually saying the words "I'm sorry" but openly admitted he hurt me and that the reason things fell apart was because he wanted to keep me a secret but still be in a relationship with me. He also said "I hope you are hanging in there and moving on." Overall, his email really confused me and quite honestly, hurt even more. I probably re-read his words 10 times and like an idiot, I responded. I was very cordial and friendly but after I hit sent, I became overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger again. I was angry at the words he chose to use. "I WANTED you to remain a secret." "I hope you are HANGING IN THERE and MOVING ON." Why did he use the words "Moving on."? Something in my gut told me that he already moved on. I sat on my couch and cried.

The next morning I woke up with an awful headache. Crying before bedtime will usually do that to you. I tried my best to keep busy and not think about P and his email but it consumed my thoughts. Curiosity got the best of me and I ended up checking his blog that he keeps about his daughter. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. Ironically, he had just updated his blog within 30 minutes of me checking it. They spent the day at the children's museum. I saw some pictures of little O and my heart swelled. I miss her so much and she is getting so big. It also brought back memories of the few times the 3 of us went on outings together. I should've just closed the page right then but I scrolled down further and saw a picture of a girl with O. (Heart fell into my stomach) And then a picture of the 3 of them together. (Heart completely shattered). Now, I can't confirm that this girl is in fact P's new "girlfriend" but I can only assume it to be for 2 reasons. 1. Why would he use the words "Hanging in there" and "Moving on" if he hadn't moved on himself? And 2. Why would he post pictures of him and another girl with O to a blog where his family checks and his family has contact with the Baby Mama Drama and supposedly that is the reason why I was kept a secret from his family? I'm not stupid. My intuition is usually spot on and I have every faith that is the same for this case too.

I know I was the one who ended things with P but it still doesn't make my hurt go away any faster. I broke up with P because I felt like I didn't have a choice. He said he didn't fight for relationships. He also said that he couldn't give more than he already was. He also said that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone and that O was going to be his main focus. I guess 2 months time was enough for him to figure his stuff out. I feel like such a fool. I know I should not live my life with any regrets but I can't help but feel angry and like P completely wasted my time. I was emotionally available right from the beginning. He sought me out, initiated first date, 2nd date, etc... and then meeting his daughter, I fell not only for him for but for her too. Things weren't ideal, but I was willing to be patient. Drama aside, things were great but then everything changed in a blink of an eye. I feel like ALL of my insecurities and broken pieces from past relationships were used against me in one last big blow to my heart. He's moved on, like nothing happened. Not even phased. He couldn't even say the actual words "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Up until this past weekend, I felt like I was making progress sorting through my feelings about everything. But I guess P is right... I'm still just "Hanging in there" while he finds it so incredibly easy to just move on to someone else.

My heart hurts. My eyes burn from tears. Why do I allow my heart to be beaten so badly? My prayer is that God will turn my broken heart into something beautiful. I feel that I am far overdue.

30 by 30 Weekly Update

Loss/Gain: +.5

Total lost: 4.6

Pounds to lose until goal: 25.4

Activity: Worked out EVERYDAY for an hour plus (burning 700-800 calories a pop!)

Water Intake: At least 32 oz a day.

Healthy Habits: Lunch time walks

Emotional Weight Loss: Devos, journaling, blogging.

I gained .5 lbs this week. :( I know I am just being silly and .5 lbs is nothing but I REALLY, REALLY want to see that number go down and not up no matter how big or little of a gain it may be. I realize that weight gain is a part of weight loss and a lot of factors may contribute to any gain but still... I'm feeling deflated and discouraged. I had every intention to pick myself up from the disappointment of my gain and get back on that treadmill but instead, I wallowed and totally binged on "Comfort Food." I realize it wasn't the wisest choice but I guess I just needed a cheat day. I'm back on the wagon today and refocused on my goals.

Raw

I was suppose to have a date last night. (Gasp) A co-worker of mine has been keeping tabs on me since I broke up with P and has been plotting a way introduce me to her nephew. I kept telling her I wasn't ready to date again or meet anyone new but I finally gave in and accepted her offer.

Getting back "Out there" is scary. Everything seems raw and exposed. As hopeful as I am (or intend to be) I sometimes wish I could wear a sign around my neck that says "Be careful, I'm fragile." Or better yet, the guy could wear a sign around his neck that calls out all of his "Issues" and I can determine if I want to deal with it or not. There is an art to dating and unfortunately I suck at it. If there isn't already a book called "Dating for Dumbies," not only should I read it, but I am pretty sure I could co-write it.

Even though I feel enough time has passed since my last relationship ended, the idea that I could open myself up and be vulnerable again is scary. Dating is exhausting but I realize it's required to figure out what you want or in my case, what I DON'T want in a relationship.

As I was getting ready, I found myself not really looking forward to meeting this guy. I think it was a mixture of nerves and possibly me just not being ready to put myself out there again. I want to be ready. I really really do but I feel like my heart has huge anchors still holding myself down. I really dislike that I continue to hold myself hostage due to my past. I wish I could flip a switch and let it go and release everything that holds me back.

As I finished getting ready I said a little prayer and decided to go on with the night with an open mind. I checked my phone right before I was ready to leave and there was a text message from "J"

"I can't make it tonight. I'm sorry. Raincheck for another time?"

I'm not gonna lie. I breathed a sigh of relief. I took the cancellation of plans as a sign from God that I am just not ready to date quite yet and you know what, I'm ok with that for now. Time heals all wounds. I still have quite a few I still need to patch up before I can be the Miss Jess that my perfect someone deserves.

Grateful

Today I am going to be grateful. I am grateful for music and how it speaks to my soul. I am grateful for movies and TV shows that make me laugh and escape the hustle and bustle of life for awhile. I am grateful for technology and how it keeps me connected with people that I love. I am grateful for electricity and how it lights up my life. I am grateful for my apartment and how I have a warm, safe place to sleep each night. I am grateful that I have the ability to provide and take care of myself. I am grateful for my family and my friends and how they love and support me each day. I am grateful for my kitty Lulu and how she manages to make me smile and laugh each day. I am grateful for my health. I am grateful that I can breathe and I have the sense of taste, sight, sound, touch, and smell. I am grateful that I have a beautiful mind and I have the ability to think and speak and also have an imagination. I am grateful for memories. I am grateful that I have goals, dreams, and ambitions. I am grateful that I can laugh and smile. I am grateful that I can breathe. I am grateful that there is a one and true God and that I believe. I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that I am ME.

What are you grateful today?

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,a you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Tuney Tuesday

It's a rather blah day here in Minnesota. Overcast and chilly. I decided to share some of my current favorite tunes in hopes to bring a little cheer into this chilly day.

Sara Bareilles- Gonna Get Over You
Jessie: Wanna learn the choreography?! So fun. Reminds me of Grease. Eeee.


Andy Grammer- Keep Your Head Up
Ummm Andy... call me. What a cutie pie.


Last but not least, my FAVORITE

The Prince I wanted them to be

"T" from Kindergarten
You were my first real crush. I remember vividly you tapping my shoulder and telling me to meet you by the drinking fountain so we could "Kiss." I showed up and you weren't there. I went looking for you only to find you standing in line with another girl and you were holding her hand. I was heart broken.

"M" from Columbia Heights
I met you through a friend I went to Dance class with. At first we were friends. We talked on the phone nearly everyday. We tried the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing but it didn't really work so we decided to stay friends. I actually even "went out" with you friend for a few months. That is what tore us apart and you went from being my best friend to being enemies. You said some very hurtful things to me. Some of those words still haunt me to this day. After many years had passed, I forgave you for what you said/did. I even thought at one point we could be friends, but I was sadly mistaken. You broke my trust and heart yet again.

"T" The blind date
I was in college when my Youth Pastor said she wanted to set me up with someone she knew. At that point I wasn't interested in dating anyone. I was focused on school, working, and playing softball. We had a blind date and it was magical. I remember sitting in that booth at Applebee's until closing time. It took all of a few weeks until we made things official. Things were progressing rather quickly and there were talks about the future. Marriage was even brought up in conversation. You said you loved me and I thought I loved you too. Shortly after those precious words were exchanged, things began to change. You no longer wanted me to be included in your life. You started to shut down and shut me out. You began to lie to me about little things and then little things became big things. I tried hard to be patient and even said I wanted/needed/deserved more time with you which led you to breaking up with me in a parking lot of Caribou late one night. I stood there and cried and you just drove away. After we broke up is when the real damage was done. We began to talk and see each other but only in secret. It was heart breaking to know that the guy who I "loved" only wanted a relationship with me that was secret.

"P.S." Blind Date #2
You were a mistake right from the beginning but being the eternal optimist, I gave you a chance. We dated for maybe a month or two. Red Flags waved in front of your face from day one. The idiot in me thought I would be a good influence on you and could change you... big mistake. The eye opening moment is when you lost your temper over something so ridiculous and used me as your punching bag, literally. I remember feeling terrified as you shoved me against that wall. You immediately said you were sorry. I couldn't look you in the eye. I just grabbed my stuff and left and never looked back. The bruise that appeared on my shoulder blade a day later was reason enough for me to never return your phone calls, again.

"R" Rebound that turned into...
We met as a result of a lonely night. You were "Dating" someone and weren't happy. I was still "Seeing" T and was just as unhappy. After a few weeks of emails we decided to meet and thus began our 5 year complicated, dysfunctional, and toxic love affair. Drama aside, you were a true and great love of my life. Never has one person brought out the very best, but also the very worst in me. You taught me what it means to truly love someone, unconditionally, no matter what. We both made mistakes. We both hurt each other but what hurt the most was hearing the words "I love you, Jessica" when it was too late. I had already moved on. I still think about what could've been if only you would've admitted your feelings sooner. Maybe you were always meant to be, the one that got away.

"J" The beautiful little liar
Everything on paper looked wonderful... until I realized that everything on that paper was a complete and utter lie. I can honestly say that everything, EVERYTHING that came out of your mouth was anything but the truth. I tolerated what can only be classified as emotional abuse for nearly 5 months. In my past relationships, there was usually SOMETHING positive and or a good memory I could remember and take with me. With you, there was and is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I resent you for so many reasons but the biggest reason being you completely broke what little trust I had left in men.

"P" So promising, so close and yet so far
After being single for 10 plus months, we met. There was a spark, chemistry, a connection. Things moved rather quickly but for the most part I followed your lead. It was a delicate situation. You you were in the middle of a custody battle. I tried to be patient and the pathetic girl inside of me accepted the fact that I was a "Secret" yet again. I remember the night I had to go "Hide" in your basement because Mama Drama was creeping by your house and saw my car. It was a new low in my life. Needing to physically hide because my boyfriend couldn't man up to his reality. You can only live a lie for so long and the day you got caught is the day things started to fall apart. Instead of admitting the truth, you completely shut down and shut me out and even said "I don't fight for relationships because if someone has to fight to be in one, then it isn't worth being in." I was devastated. Still am. To know I wasn't worth the truth and wasn't worth fighting for is beyond hurtful. It tears me up inside.

I spent the past weekend thinking about my past relationships. What happened, what went wrong, what I learned etc... Oh, I so wanted some of these guys to be "THE ONE." I dismissed so many red flags, changed some of my "Non Negotiable," list, settled for far less so I could FINALLY change my relationship status. Sometimes I feel like love and Jessica don't mix. It's like oil and water. True love only seems to be in fairy tales, Disney movies, and love stories like The Notebook. It's happening for my friends, but it's not something that I feel is made for me. Maybe it's me? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships or maybe I'm just romantically challenged to realize what is healthy and what is not. Even so, I HAVE TO believe that true love for me exists and it will happen. I have to believe to receive. I do believe in love but I am having a hard time believing in love for me.

30 by 30: Weekly Update

Loss/Gain: -1.4

Total lost: 5.1

Pounds to lose until goal: 24.9

Activity: Worked out EVERYDAY!!!

Water Intake: Ehhh, not so much this week. Need to re-focus.

Healthy Habits: Taking the stairs vs. elevator at work. Walking over my lunch breaks.

Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devos and reading inspirational blogs online.

I accomplished my first 5lb loss mark which means I will be treating myself to a pedicure this weekend! It feels good to have the first 5 lbs gone. Perhaps it's all in my head but I am seeing a difference in my body too. Clothes are a tad looser, things that use to jiggle are less jiggly, and I feel physically stronger. I actually look forward to getting on that treadmill every night. Something I never thought I would ever feel... looking FORWARD to working out. Crazy. I hope I can stay focused. The scale and I still are not friends, but we are becoming more friendly.

Happy Friday!

The State of Wait

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so we can embrace the life that is waiting for us."

This is a tough pill for me to swallow. I have always been a planner. I have a mental check list of things I want to get done in my life by a certain point and take pride when I accomplish each goal. I have accomplished quite a bit in my life thus far but yet I still feel restless, incomplete, unfinished. It's like I am in a constant state of wait. So many dreams, wishes, desires that burn deep in my heart yet no matter how hard I try to achieve those things, I always come up short. I will get a taste of what could be only for it to be ripped away from my grasp.

Change is scary. I get myself into a routine and when that routine is interrupted I feel out of balance. However, even so... I can't continue to do the same things I am doing and expect a different result, right? I've been flirting with the idea of moving except this time it would be out of state. I'm just not happy where I am at in life and feel a change of scenery may be key to opening a new chapter of my life. A fresh start, in a new place. I have nothing holding me back except myself. The stress of my Condo is done. I am not married or have children nor am I in an exclusive relationship. My job I could easily leave and with my experience find something else. At this point, it's mostly just talk, dreaming of what could be. There is so much yet for me to figure out. But for once in my life I am not going to dismiss the desire in my heart for change. My dreams will never sleep. They will always be there whether I am in MN or somewhere else. Until I find what I am looking for (or it finds me) I will continue to seek until it is well with my soul.

Hope

I've discovered Pinterest. It's addicting. I've heard it called "Fantasy Football for Women." I agree, 100%. I've always been attracted to quotes, graphic T's, or anything that is motivational/inspirational that I can apply to my life. I came across this yesterday as I was browsing/wasting time on Pinterest and found it to be quite fitting for me. It's a simple verse from the book of Psalms but so fitting for me and where I am at in life. Funny how God has a way of speaking to you, even through Pinterest.

Happy Wednesday!

(Picture via Pinterest)