Raw

I was suppose to have a date last night. (Gasp) A co-worker of mine has been keeping tabs on me since I broke up with P and has been plotting a way introduce me to her nephew. I kept telling her I wasn't ready to date again or meet anyone new but I finally gave in and accepted her offer.

Getting back "Out there" is scary. Everything seems raw and exposed. As hopeful as I am (or intend to be) I sometimes wish I could wear a sign around my neck that says "Be careful, I'm fragile." Or better yet, the guy could wear a sign around his neck that calls out all of his "Issues" and I can determine if I want to deal with it or not. There is an art to dating and unfortunately I suck at it. If there isn't already a book called "Dating for Dumbies," not only should I read it, but I am pretty sure I could co-write it.

Even though I feel enough time has passed since my last relationship ended, the idea that I could open myself up and be vulnerable again is scary. Dating is exhausting but I realize it's required to figure out what you want or in my case, what I DON'T want in a relationship.

As I was getting ready, I found myself not really looking forward to meeting this guy. I think it was a mixture of nerves and possibly me just not being ready to put myself out there again. I want to be ready. I really really do but I feel like my heart has huge anchors still holding myself down. I really dislike that I continue to hold myself hostage due to my past. I wish I could flip a switch and let it go and release everything that holds me back.

As I finished getting ready I said a little prayer and decided to go on with the night with an open mind. I checked my phone right before I was ready to leave and there was a text message from "J"

"I can't make it tonight. I'm sorry. Raincheck for another time?"

I'm not gonna lie. I breathed a sigh of relief. I took the cancellation of plans as a sign from God that I am just not ready to date quite yet and you know what, I'm ok with that for now. Time heals all wounds. I still have quite a few I still need to patch up before I can be the Miss Jess that my perfect someone deserves.