Silent Treatment

The last few weeks have been incredibly hard.I spent all of last week willing my phone to ring or a message to pop through from him, but nothing. Thanksgiving came and I thought to myself, I will make the first move, send him a message to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, only to check my phone every 20 minutes, with nothing. I tried my best to keep myself busy throughout the weekend but still staring at my phone wishing that green flashing light would start to flicker, but nothing. No answer, was my answer and I wasn't going to accept it. I began to assume the absolute worst in everything and dug myself into a deep, deep hole of tears, loneliness, and sadness.

I don't do well with the silent treatment. I'm a communicator. Whenever there is conflict, I want to talk it out and resolve immediately. It's hard for me to give people their space but I also understand that sometimes it is needed. But a whole week when I am so use to talking everyday? I was not ok. It was a hard pill to swallow and I couldn't help but take it personally that I did or said something wrong, even though I know I only expressed how I was feeling and like HE said to me several weeks ago, "You should never apologize for how you feel."

I'm trying so hard to see the good in this situation. I'm trying to see that that there is a reason this is all happening but the selfish, angry, hurt, and confused part of me just wants to have a pity party and scream "Why is this happening AGAIN??!!" Do you ever feel that sometimes God is giving you the silent treatment? That's how I have been feeling for awhile but then I realized that maybe I was giving Him the silent treatment. It was an heart opening experience. I was humbled.

I ended up going to Church on Sunday night. It was the first time in a long time that I had stepped foot into God's House. I felt ashamed, unworthy, and completely out of place. I know that being there was exactly where I needed to be at that moment. The worship songs, prayers, scripture, and sermon were all things I needed to hear. Funny how that works out. This scripture really stuck out at me and I have been repeating it often:

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:22

I can't explain why but I left Church feeling at peace. I felt that He was in control and He will take care of me and the situation I am now, and always. I fell asleep that night and slept soundly which hadn't been the case for the past week or so. I woke up feeling refreshed and confident that the day was going to bring good things.

I ended up sending another message to P asking if we could please find some time to discuss our situation. I wasn't expecting a response as my mind was programmed to believe that I was never going to hear from him again. To my great surprise, he did respond. His words were simple and even expressed how unhappy he had been knowing how things were left between us and agreed that we should meet and talk things out in person. We are planning to meet tomorrow. I'm anxious to see him, and extremely nervous. My heart is saying "Just hug him, kiss him, and forget that anything ever happened" but my head is saying "You need to truly tell him how you feel, what you need, what you deserve." It's a battle between 2 Jessica's. In the past, my heart has always been the judge, but in the case I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone and use my head. If things are meant to be then my head and heart will coincide with one another and it will be.

Thankful Thursdays (On Wednesday)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I can't believe it. This month (year) has flown by. Since tomorrow I will be away from the blog world, I decided to post my last November Thankful Thursdays post today.

1. I am thankful for my heart. Though it is too big for its own good and it may be broken, it is still beating and soon the pieces will be put back together and I'll be stronger, wiser, and better than ever!

2. I am thankful for heat. Last week it became winter, fast. Temps dropping from 50's to teens is a hard adjustment. I'm lucky to be able to go home to a warm house.

3. I am thankful for food. There are so many people out there that are hungry. The fact that I get to go home to cupboards and a fridge that is filled with food makes me feel truly lucky and blessed.

4. I'm thankful for Scripture. God has been placing verses into my brain and my eyes and ears are open again to His truth. Jeremiah 29:11... holding onto that truth today.

5. I'm thankful for my Mama. She has been a true support to me not only the past few weeks but for the past 29 years. The older you get, the more you realize how much your parents sacrificed for you back then, and still today.

6. I'm thankful YOU... yes YOU... reading this right now. I blog because I like to write. I write because it feels like therapy to me. So many thoughts, so many feelings and I am able to truly express them all here, in my safe place. Thank you.

7. I'm thankful for laughter. It heals the soul.

8. I'm thankful for genuine kindness from strangers. A sincere smile, just because truly makes my day. Try it sometime, it feels good.

9. I'm thankful for vacation and personal days off. Sometimes you just need a day to rest, be lazy, or be productive! I plan on taking Friday and being... lazy.

10. Most of all, I am thankful that people are thankful for me. I am so loved, wanted, needed, cherished, and adored by the ones who truly love and care for me. How lucky and blessed am I?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Count your blessings! Even the small ones. We all have something to be thankful for, even on our worst days. Cheers!

Truth

1 Corinthians 13
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

We've all heard this verse MANY times. Besides John 3:16, 1 Corinthians 13 Love verse is probably the most popular verse in the Bible. Have you ever really truly read the words though on what LOVE is?? Truly reading every, single, word? This verse has been replaying in my mind the past few days as I am trying to digest everything that is happening in my own "Love" life. I know God placed this verse in my head for a reason. I know that God is trying to tell me to focus on what TRUE LOVE really is. It's like a ton of bricks hitting my soul.

Ok, I get it God. Can you please take these broken pieces and super glue them back together? Yours Truly, Jess

Hop, skip, and a jump

Things are falling apart. If I wanted to be completely honest with myself, it's been a long time coming. I just kept pushing the reality of things aside in hopes that it was a just a dream. I kept saying "It's ok, I understand, I'll be patient and understanding and keep settling for less than I deserve because I'm selfless and have hope that if I am patient enough, It will all work out." I look like an idiot and more important... I look pathetic. My heart may be too big for it's own good but sticking around and waiting this shitstorm out in hopes that MAYBE things will work out is pathetic. I tolerate ill treatment because I don't think I deserve anything better as it is all I've ever been use too. Every time, every single freaking time I hear the same excuse "I can't give you what you need." "It's not you, it's me." 10 years of dating and it's always the same lines. Always the same excuses. Always the same broken heart.

We haven't officially ended things as I'm a lady and I don't break up via text or over the phone, but I know deep inside we are a hop, skip and a jump away from pulling the plug. He said he needs to "Evaluate" things which is code for I'm delaying the inevitable. I can't be mad at him though. His plate is full and clearly he wasn't ready for a relationship. But I can be hurt which is exactly how I feel. He knew very well what he was getting into and more importantly, what he was bringing me into. I made the decision to stick it out and quite honestly, I lasted a lot longer than most people would've tolerated.

I've leaned on several friends for comfort and support and they all say the same thing "You are better than this shit.... you are worth so much more... he doesn't realize what he is letting go." Why is it so hard for me to listen to their words when everything in my heart and mind is screaming "Why is this happening AGAIN!!???!!" I'm so fed up. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm so sick of being disposable. I'm so sick of this routine. I guess I take comfort in knowing that despite all of the heart break and tears, my heart still beats. My heart still feels and I will at some point muster up enough courage to try again. You would think that I would be a pro at getting over a broken heart by now, but the truth is, it doesn't get any easier.

Like any good hopeless romantic going through a difficult time in a relationship, they watch The Notebook because 1. It is the perfect love story and 2. we all secretly hope our lives and love stories were like that and 3. we like to torture ourselves. What can I say, I'm an emotional cutter. I balled like a baby during this scene as that is exactly how I feel, right now.

Someone Like You part 2

I love Adele. Like, really LOVE. This is by far my favorite song by her. Typically I am not a fan of songs being re-made from their originality, however the 2 below really blew me away. Goosebumps, even a tear... WOW.



I wish I could sing.

Thankful Thursdays

1. I am thankful for "Me" time. Baths, reading a book, going for a walks etc...

2. I am thankful for my work family... they truly are the reason I come to work everyday.

3. I am thankful for my OB-GYN. Weird, I know... but I just love her. Had my yearly on Monday and besides taking care of business, it was an hour long therapy session on how life is going. I've never had a Doctor truly care so much.

4. I am thankful for my Grandma Marcie... I have talked about her before. She is my heart, my rock, my everything. Was able to visit with her last weekend. Wish I could do it more, but absolutely treasure the time we do have together.

5. I am thankful for the beautiful sunsets/sunrises we have been having. One positive thing about this time of year is the sun is at such a beautiful angle that is provides absolutely breath taking sunrises and sunsets.

6. I am thankful for my side pet sitting business gig. I can't believe I've been doing it for 6 years already! It provides me with some extra cash, and also I am able to indulge in my absolute passion which is animals.

7. I am thankful for Sharpies. It makes writing my to-do lists at work so much more enjoyable... and then using the RED sharpie to mark everything off. EEeeee. I am a geek.

8. I am thankful for my underground parking at my apartment! I love getting into a semi warm car in the morning!

9. I am thankful for my memory box. It is filled with pictures, cards, letters from friends and family. Whenever I am feeling down, I will look through those things and instantly smile, sometimes cry, but mostly feel happy as I realize how truly lucky and blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life.

10. I am thankful that I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thankful Thursdays

1. I am thankful for a warm bed to sleep in at night. I so didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I was perfectly content in my self made fuzzy blanket nest.

2. I am thankful for comfy's aka fleece pants and sweatshirts. Tis the Season, right?!

3. I am thankful for human emotion. The fact that I "feel" is a beautiful thing.

4. I am thankful for memories. They are mental pictures that can never be taken away.

5. I am thankful for Music. Whether you are happy or sad. Mad or glad. In love or in hate... music has a way of speaking to your soul.

6. I am thankful for new beginnings. Sometimes it takes a step backwards in order to take a step forward.

7. I am thankful for my kitty, Lulu. She's a brat 98% of the time but life would be awfully lonely without her.

8. I am thankful for my bloggie friends. The fact that you choose to read my blog, makes me smile. The fact that you care enough to comment, send your thoughts of support etc... means the world. You are all a blessing without even realizing it.

9. I am thankful for Pedicures. Every girl loves pretty toes!

10. I am thankful that I am right where I need to be, right now, in this moment. Everything is happening for a reason. Good or bad... there is purpose in everything.

The Icks

Something feels off. Perhaps it stems from an uncomfortable conversation I had last night but today, I still feel icky inside. Normally I would automatically freak out and assume the worst in things, but this time I am surprisingly calm. Still worried, but calm.

I'm still trying to process what was said last night. Though I am glad feelings were expressed, I'm still left unsure and confused by where it all came from as in my mind, things were good... no they were great. Assuming we were on the same page was my fault. I didn't want to be that girl that was constantly asking him "Are we good, are we on the same page, are you happy?!" I was letting things happen the way they were suppose to and to my surprise, (or at least I thought) thats exactly what was happening.

The whole situation is just icky. It's complicated. His plate is full and then some. Trying to juggle being a new dad, a job, a house, his family, Mama Drama, and then Me. I can't even imagine. The last thing I want to be in his life is someone he has to check off his "To Do" list. I don't want to be a burden, I want to be a blessing. But after last nights conversation, I can't help but feel like I am being a burden. This hurts my heart, a lot as like I said... I thought things were going well.

I feel stuck. I want things to continue on but it takes 2 people who want things to continue, not just one. He did express that he cares for me and that I mean a lot to him but at this point, he can't give more than he has been and isn't sure if and when he will be able to give more. Is this a test? Am I just to be patient, give him his space to figure stuff out? Or do I cut my losses? I'm not a quitter until I have exhausted every possible solution. I'm strong, I have been through far worse in my life than this but what do I do? What would you do?

I have laid out all of my cards, perhaps a little too soon. But with matters of the heart, I have always thought it best to say what you feel in the moment as we are never promised tomorrow.

My heart hurts. I don't like this icky feeling especially since we had such an amazing weekend. I wish I had a magic crystal ball where I could see what the future holds. I came across this quote the other day and I have been repeating it often:

"God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will."

That's where I am today. I have surrendered it to God and will continue to trust that He will take care of it for me no matter what the outcome will be.

Making Memories

I had been looking forward to this weekend for such a long time. P and I had our first "Minication" together. We went up to Brainerd and stayed here. It was beautiful, romantic, and such a great weekend for just the 2 of us to be together.

We headed up early Saturday morning and got to Brainerd around 11am. We stopped at Mernards (because where else would you stop when you are on a romantic weekend away?!) and then headed into Nisswa and did a little more shopping. We hit up the book store where P picked up 2 books for his little girl. I gotta admit, seeing P pick out books for his daughter because he was thinking about her and most likely missing her, made my heart melt to mush, even more than it already is! After the book store, we visited the Candy store where we acted like we were kids again. 1 lb of candy later, we headed to the resort where we were able to check into our room early and what a room it was! Beautiful vaulted ceilings, a fireplace, jacuzzi tub, and a HUGE king size bed. We spent a majority of our time just lounging, watching tv, cuddling, and sneaking a few kisses in here and there. I wanted so badly for time to stop as I knew our weekend would be over soon.

Saturday late afternoon, we headed back into Brainerd and had dinner. We did some more bopping around Downtown Brainerd, stopped at Target, stopped at a Liquor store and headed back to our room. Did some lounging, drank some wine, had some snacky foods, relaxed in our tub and just enjoyed each others company. Sunday morning came too soon, even with the extra hour of sleep. Before I knew it, we were packing up our stuff and checking out. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to get in that car and drive home. I wasn't ready to be back in reality again. I wanted to bottle the past 24 hours up and just keep hitting repeat.

The next few weeks are going to be tough for us. He's going to be busy with family visiting, work, and misc life stuff. We aren't going to be seeing a lot of each other, but thats ok. Distance makes your heart grow fonder. The time spent away just makes you realize how much you miss that other person and makes the time you do spend together that more special.

We had a great weekend and even discussed the possibility of doing it again, and soon. Yay! P is simply the best. I am so happy that he is a part of my life.

Thankful Thursdays

It's November?! Sweet Geezus!!! Where the heck has the last 11 months gone?? Sigh. Since November is the month of Thanksgiving, I thought I would take each Thursday this month to blog about the things I am thankful for. I figured a good ol' 10 reasons list for each week would suffice. It will be a good chance for me to reflect on how truly blessed I am.

1. I am SO thankful that my Condo stuff is FINALLY over! Approximately a year ago this time, I had made the decision to let my Condo go. What a year it has been. Such an exhausting process, but I am SO thankful it is over with. I am stronger, wiser, and better off now then I was back then.

2. I am thankful for the ability to provide and take care of myself. Even though my hearts desire is to fall in love, be married, and have a family... there is something to be said for the fact that I can and I am able to take full care of myself and my needs. Pretty proud of myself! Go me!


3. I am thankful for my health and well being. For the most part, I am healthy. I need to lose a few (a lot) of pounds but... (knock on wood)... I have my health and will commit myself to being healthier.

4. I am thankful for this BEAUTIFUL fall we have had thus far. Anyone who knows me, knows that I dread the winter. The fact that we have made it to November with NO SNOW, makes me SOOOOO happy. I am also in love with the beautiful fall colors that I am surrounded by. Somedays, they literally distract me as I drive by them. So pretty.

5. I am thankful for my Honey P and his sweet little O. I am so happy that our paths crossed! They both mean so much to me and I am excited to see where things will lead.

6. I am thankful for my friends. They love and accept me as I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. They are there for me no matter what. And the fact they CHOOSE me to be their friend means the world.

7. I am thankful for my family. Unlike friends, God CHOSE me for them. Hahaha. We put the fun in dysfunctional sometimes, but I love them, unconditionally, none the less.

8. I am thankful for my job. It's been a struggle the last few months. Definitely going through some growing pains, but I am thankful I have a job as so many people out there do not.

9. I am thankful for love, laughter and everything in between. I've learned so much about myself in the last 5 years and truly feel I have grown into myself. I'm discovering who I am and starting to realize that I am pretty great, just the way I am. It's a beautiful feeling. One I've been longing to feel for quite some time.

10. I am thankful for new beginnings. Sometimes we all just need to reboot, and start over. That is what this year has been to me. I'm hopeful for what is to come.