Silent Treatment

The last few weeks have been incredibly hard.I spent all of last week willing my phone to ring or a message to pop through from him, but nothing. Thanksgiving came and I thought to myself, I will make the first move, send him a message to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, only to check my phone every 20 minutes, with nothing. I tried my best to keep myself busy throughout the weekend but still staring at my phone wishing that green flashing light would start to flicker, but nothing. No answer, was my answer and I wasn't going to accept it. I began to assume the absolute worst in everything and dug myself into a deep, deep hole of tears, loneliness, and sadness.

I don't do well with the silent treatment. I'm a communicator. Whenever there is conflict, I want to talk it out and resolve immediately. It's hard for me to give people their space but I also understand that sometimes it is needed. But a whole week when I am so use to talking everyday? I was not ok. It was a hard pill to swallow and I couldn't help but take it personally that I did or said something wrong, even though I know I only expressed how I was feeling and like HE said to me several weeks ago, "You should never apologize for how you feel."

I'm trying so hard to see the good in this situation. I'm trying to see that that there is a reason this is all happening but the selfish, angry, hurt, and confused part of me just wants to have a pity party and scream "Why is this happening AGAIN??!!" Do you ever feel that sometimes God is giving you the silent treatment? That's how I have been feeling for awhile but then I realized that maybe I was giving Him the silent treatment. It was an heart opening experience. I was humbled.

I ended up going to Church on Sunday night. It was the first time in a long time that I had stepped foot into God's House. I felt ashamed, unworthy, and completely out of place. I know that being there was exactly where I needed to be at that moment. The worship songs, prayers, scripture, and sermon were all things I needed to hear. Funny how that works out. This scripture really stuck out at me and I have been repeating it often:

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:22

I can't explain why but I left Church feeling at peace. I felt that He was in control and He will take care of me and the situation I am now, and always. I fell asleep that night and slept soundly which hadn't been the case for the past week or so. I woke up feeling refreshed and confident that the day was going to bring good things.

I ended up sending another message to P asking if we could please find some time to discuss our situation. I wasn't expecting a response as my mind was programmed to believe that I was never going to hear from him again. To my great surprise, he did respond. His words were simple and even expressed how unhappy he had been knowing how things were left between us and agreed that we should meet and talk things out in person. We are planning to meet tomorrow. I'm anxious to see him, and extremely nervous. My heart is saying "Just hug him, kiss him, and forget that anything ever happened" but my head is saying "You need to truly tell him how you feel, what you need, what you deserve." It's a battle between 2 Jessica's. In the past, my heart has always been the judge, but in the case I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone and use my head. If things are meant to be then my head and heart will coincide with one another and it will be.