It’s hard to put into words how much I love you. Since the day I was born, we have always had a very special relationship and an unbreakable bond. I hold my relationship with you closest to my heart. You mean the world to me and I’d be lost without you.
I can remember when I was younger, all I wanted to do was be a grown up. Now that I’m a grown up, all I want to do is be little again. Somewhere between now and then, life happened, and I find myself in my late twenties trying to figure everything out. Considering everything, I am pretty proud of the fact that I have made a life for myself and I’m staying afloat. I couldn’t be who I am today without your unconditional love and support. I know there have been times when you have been concerned if I was making the right decision. There are still times when I even ask myself, “What did I get myself into?” But all in all, you have ALWAYS been there for me and have been my biggest cheerleader through it all. You always believe in me when I find it hard to believe in myself. Your encouragement and ability to make me smile up when I’m feeling down is truly a gift, and always appreciated.
One of the many things I have learned from you throughout the years is your love for your family and your generosity that stems from that love. Though we are not perfect and each of us has our flaws, your love, loyalty, and generosity to each and every family member is something to admire. I know I am still “Young” and have plenty of time to start a family but each year I am getting older, the more I am yearning to start a family of my own. My childhood memories up at the Farm and Holiday traditions are ones that I will treasure for a lifetime. I truly hope someday when I start a family of my own that those traditions will still be alive and new memories will be made. It is because of you and Mom that I value tradition and hope that it will be something we can continue to share for years to come.
I don’t say it nearly enough but I love you Grandma, more than words could ever fully express. You are my world, my heart, my everything. You will forever and always be my "Grandma Sweetie."
I went to a party last night,and it was called Zumba!! For 60 straight minutes, I danced my bootilicious butt off. There were times when I thought I was going to die but for the most part, I had a blast. I am WAY out of shape but hopefully in a few weeks, my heart and lungs will be up to Zumbastic speed! I took dance from age 4 until 10th grade. I never thought of myself as being a great dancer, but I did love to dance and always had a good time doing it. Last night, I realized how uncoordinated I am (or how much coordination I have lost over the years) I kinda felt like Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly" in this scene...
Anyone know of any good Salsa places in Minneapolis?? I would LOVE to go salsa dancing sometime!! Who's in??!
I went up to my Grandma's on Saturday and helped her clean out her closet. We came across her wedding dress that is 62 years old. A little wrinkled and faded, it was still beautiful. Unfortunately, I never knew my Grandpa, as he passed away of a heart attack when he was 59 (I was just over a year old). My Grandma talks about him from time to time, and even more so lately. She misses him and says she is ready to see him again. The selfish part of me wants her to be around forever, or at least long enough to see me get married and have my first baby. I have always been extremely close with her, and I can't imagine her not being here, but I can see in her eyes that she is tired, and ready for heaven.
Here are some pictures I was able to take. I have this cool application called "Retro Photo" which makes your photos look vintage. This particular camera made your pictures look like polaroids. Kinda neat...
Beautiful beading on the back of the dress
Veil
Close up beading... 26 beads total.
As much as I'd like to clean her dress and wear it myself if I ever get married, I don't think I could ever get down to a size 2 (That's how small she was when she married my Grandpa at 20 years old). I hope to someday try and incoporate her dress into my own wedding dress. My only hope and wish is she is around to see that happen.
By recommendation of my friend Melissa, I was encouraged to read Women, Food, God by Geneen Roth. It's a quick read and I highly recommend this book for any Woman who has ever struggled with weight or body image issues.(Let's be honest, I think every lady has struggled with this at some point in their lives)
A few thoughts on this book and self realizations...
As long as I can remember, I have always been a bigger girl. I've struggled with my weight since I was very young. I remember as early as 4 years old being told that I was chubby and should be put on a diet. Constantly being criticized by family and even bullied a little bit in school by peers. Food was my enemy along with being my friend. I went to food for comfort. When I was sad, I would eat, when I was happy, I would eat. I remember being told and even recently "You have such a pretty face, Jess... if only you could loose that weight, then you would have it all." As you can imagine, this negative reinforcement lead me down a self destructive path of compulsive eating that has followed me into my adult life. I am by no means placing the blame on these people and even family members who said hurtful and discouraging things, but I am trying to explain perhaps the reasoning behind my painful journey in dealing with my weight. I have tried many diets and even had success with a few. But at the end of the day, they ultimately led me to gain the weight back.
In the past 2 years I have managed to loose 30 lbs and gain approximately 12 of those 30 lbs back. I made the decision a few weeks ago that I need to get back on the wagon, but I was just looking for the motivation and drive within to take on this battle again. Melissa's recommendation of this book couldn't have come at a more perfect time. The instant I starting reading this book, I feel like it was written to me for me. I totally relate to everything she was saying. This is going to sound totally low self esteem of me to say but for the longest time (and even still today at times) I always felt like I was single because I was overweight. That no one was ever going to see past the physical part of me. The whole "Such a pretty face" line has replayed time and time again through my head, that if I just lost the weight, I would be happy, then I would find a boyfriend, fall in love, get married, have a family and live happily ever after. I totally believed (and still do at times) that crazy and absurd lie.
The whole purpose and point of her book is to make you realize that its not about the weight, but it is about the weight. The physical weight of your heart and how it plays tricks on you and your mind into believing ridiculous lies. All in all, realizing that you need to listen to your body. Truly listen to yourself. When you are "Hungry" what are you hungry for? Are you hungry because you haven't eaten, or are you hungry because you are feeling low, sad, alone, stressed, overwhelmed or all of the above? She encourages meditation and really becoming in tune with yourself. Being a crazy busy person and often running a million miles a minute most days (as are most women) we often forget to take care of ourselves, or in other words "Listen" to what our bodies are telling us. She also encourages not to diet, but instead listen to your body and not to deprive yourself of anything because the "Rules" of dieting restrict therefore your mind tells you that if you have that cookie, you are bad and a failure because you fell off of the diet wagon. The whole cliche of everything in moderation and just all around taking care of yourself. Seems simple enough, right? It should be. I think Women put so much pressure on ourselves to be thin because that is what the world expects of us. Instead of telling people that they need to loose 10-20-30 or however many pounds, perhaps we need to focus on being healthy and finding what our realistic ideal weight should be and just live our lives.
This is whole new outlook for me and I am encouraged, motivated, and inspired to take this approach going forward. We shall see what happens. In the mean time, go pick up this book. I believe it to be an important book to add to any women's collection. Enjoy and hopefully you find as helpful as I have.
It's amazing how life has a way of slapping you in the face and making you realize how incridibly lucky and blessed one is. This guy is an inspiration to us all. Warning: You WILL cry. Hopefully happy and thankful tears. Enjoy.
You know those posters that have some inspirational picture on them with some lame motivational saying under it? Do you pretty much just laugh to yourself and think "Lame." Yeah, me too. My mom introduced me to this website called Despair.com a few years ago. It's whole purpose is to De-motivate you. Here are some of my favorite posters that I need to surround myself with, at all times. (In all seriousness, this is in good fun. I am by no means this negative of a person... well maybe just sometimes.) Enjoy!
Duh!
No doubt
Well put
Speaking the truth
Couldn't agree more
In addition to the motivational posters, the CEO also created some very inspirational videos that really leave you with warm fuzzies inside.
Something happened yesterday that left a sour taste in my mouth. I ran to Target yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I walked in and I saw a girl who was wearing a sweater (dress) that barely covered her butt and see through tights. I was shocked. This girl totally caught me off guard. She was beautiful but her whole outfit just was just wrong, on so many levels. Her outfit was screaming "LOOK AT ME!!" It bugged me. It bugged me so much that I couldnt stop thinking about it the rest of the afternoon and evening. Why was this girls outfit bothering me so much??! I didnt know her. Why can't I just pass this girl off as having low self esteem and just an attention starved person who will stop at nothing to get noticed.I mulled over this the entire night. I couldnt get the image out of my head, why?? I've come to the conclusion that I am just jealous. Not jealous of her whorish outfit, but the fact that she has the courage and self esteem to tell the world "Hey... look at me!! I'm hot!!" Something I lack. Granted I have enough respect for myself to cover my butt with proper garments, but this girl's self image and esteem is so high that she could care less what others think. I'm envious of that. I want that. I've never experienced, that.
I think every girl struggles with their self esteem and image at some point in their lives and if they are lucky, they have the love and support to get through it. I on the other hand, dont feel I have been so lucky. I've always struggled with just fitting in. I feel as if I've never been accepted for me, ever. Not even from my own family. There has always been something "wrong" with me and until I fix my supposed "problems" I'll never achieve what life has in store for me. I've put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, that I'm loosing my idenity. I don't even know who I am anymore, in fact, I'm not sure if I ever really did.
Perhaps I am still processing my thoughts and feelings from the recent break up, but the truth is, I've never been loved and supported (or felt the love and support) I've needed to be me. Growing up I wasn't allowed to cry or feel sorry for myself. I was forced to wipe my tears and just suck it up and deal. I'm tired of sucking it up and dealing with it because there is no dealing with anything. The dealing part of things just brushed under the rug and tucked away, deep in my heart. I was never told I was good enough, smart enough, capable enough, pretty enough. I was ralely told that my parents were proud of me instead that I should be better, could be better. I was never given the tools to stand up for myself, instead learned coping mechanisms of being a people pleaser and a complete push over. I tolerate ill treatment, because in my mind, it's better then no treatment at all.
I'm sure you are thinking "Man Jess... stop it, change now and be better." I'm thinking the same thing. Everytime I feel I have taken a step forward in the right direction in learning to love myself, something happens and I instantly take 3 steps back. It seems to be an impossible race, and its mostly against myself. There is the Jess that wants so desperately to break through and be that girl that says "Hey... LOOK AT ME!!! I'M GREAT! I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM. But the timid, coward Jess always wins with looming low self esteem.
So what does this mean? What are my next steps? As always, I just keep plugging away. Striving to be better. Trying desperately to push through the ickiness so I can enjoy life. The life I was always meant to live. I listened to a song yesterday that really touched my heart. Ironically it was from Garfunkel and Oates in which this song is completely out of character for them. Their words are beautiful. Words I needed to hear my whole life. No better time then the present, I suppose.
Lyrics to As You Are by Garfunkel and Oates
Sit back, you don't have to work so hard It makes me tired to watch you try Relax, you already played your cards And I know which ones are a lie
It makes me really sad to see The things you think you have to be Just to be enough for me When you already are
Why can't you just look at you In the same way that I do? Through all that's false and all that's true I like you, as you are
I know that you can get sad sometimes I see it mostly when you smile Let go of all of your supposed crimes Just be with me for a while
I know this may be hard to hear But all your tricks are really clear I see right through your slick veneer To the secret life you hide
Why can't you just look at you In the same way that I do? Through all that's false and all that's true I like you as you are
Take me in Believe me when I say You're more than just okay You're perfect as you are
I subsribe to HOUSE BEAUTIFUL (Yes, I'm officially a nerd and getting old). I mostly browse through the catalog for inspiration but usually end up fantasing about what I wish my home looked like... enter my dream home below:
Hello Gorgeous
Bliss
So cute, I could burst
Pink Fridge?? Uhh, yes please!
Effortless chic
So fresh, so clean.
Pink Patio, enough said.
Day dreaming the day away... hoping my dreams become a reality someday.
Warning: If you don't have a sense of humor or the ability to laugh at sarcasm then this blog isn't for you...
I'm in love with Garfunkel and Oates. I liken them to Flight of the Concords but the cute and more girly version. This video made me crack up. No offense to my beautiful preganant friends or friends who have had children. I love you all, dearly but this totally made me laugh out loud.
Check out their website and listen to their other songs! They are a hoot!
