Life is Happening

I’ve been a bad blogger lately. Not that I have many followers, and the ones closest to me know the ins and outs of my life lately. But, for writing’s sake I thought it would be good to write down what has been going on the past few weeks. Things are good! Rob and I reached one year of dating in November. Doesn’t seem possible it’s been a year. We both are incredibly happy and the whole living together situation has been going well! I find myself falling more in love with him than the day before and though he isn’t the best at expressing his thoughts and feelings (what guy is?!) his actions show me that he feels the same. Our 1 year Anniversary was over Deer Hunting season. Rob was gone for 10 days but took a 2 day break and met me in Duluth for a minication. We stayed in Two Harbors and had a lovely time. The break was nice for him from sitting in the cold, and it was nice for me as well as I’ve quickly discovered I don’t like when he is gone. Though I’ve been on my own for quite some time, and only living with Rob for 3 months, I’ve quickly adapted and gotten used to the fact that I like him sleeping next to me at night. I didn’t like the 8 nights he was gone. Thanksgiving was nice. Low key. Ate too much, moved very little. We ended up going out on Thursday night for “Black Friday” shopping. We hit up Sports Authority and Target. People are crazy. I’ve never seen department store that nuts and to witness people getting into fights over carts was a bit ridiculous. It was a fun experience to say the least. Not sure if I will do it again. My Christmas shopping is almost done. I always struggle with what to get everyone. I dislike buying “Stuff” for people and try really hard to be thoughtful in what I give. I really like giving gifts with purpose whether it be an experience or something they truly need. I will say buying for Rob this year has been fun. Knowing he hasn’t really had a family to celebrate for years, I really want to make this Christmas EXTRA SPECIAL for him as this will be the first year (of hopefully many more to come!!) of him celebrating with my family. I’m so thankful that my family has accepted him. He truly is a great guy. Work is work. I’m thankful I have a job. The best part of my day is going home to my Honey. (Barfing yet?) Other than the above updates… life is good. 2013 has probably been the best year of my adult life thus far. I’m thankful and incredibly blessed and look forward to what is in store for 2014. Merry Christmas to you and yours and Happiest of New Years!

Love is Love

Pre post FYI: My blog is having some formating issues. Not sure what is going on. Sorry!! Same sex marriage is now legal in Minnesota and Rob and I had the privelege of attending our first Lesbian Wedding on Saturday!! We had an absolute blast but quickly realized Sunday morning that neither of us are 21 anymore and spent the rest of the day napping, and enjoying a cocktail of water and IBProffen.Regardless of our hangovers, it was a wonderful night in which lovely memories were made.

Blink of an eye

I was at work pretty early yesterday morning. I went about my morning like I normally do… checked email, grab some breakfast and planned out my to do’s. As I was walking back to my desk from grabbing some breakfast,I heard someone crying hysterically while talking on their phone. I walked over to make sure they were OK, only to find out that she just received the news that her daughter was dead. She was 18 months old. Apparently she passed away during the night. Daddy was on daycare duty so Mom decided to go into work early and didn’t check on the little one. I just stood there, in shock, feeling an overload of emotions but could not formulate the right words. Thankfully another co-worker was around and was able to go get her car to drive her home while I stood with the Mom trying my best to console her. I feel like I failed miserably. I ushered her into the car and closed the door sending her off knowing her life will NEVER be the same. I can’t even imagine the pain she must feel and will continue to feel for a lifetime. Though I am not a parent myself, losing a child is something you never get over but yet life is somehow supposed to continue on. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s was a pretty quiet and somber day at work. People were walking around with empty looks on their faces. My work family is an extension of my life. When somebody hurts, we all hurt. It seems too often there are wake up calls like this one. Days when it hits you like a pile of bricks and makes you realize just how lucky and blessed you are but yet I/we take it for granted. My only hope and prayer is nothing tragic ever happens to anyone close to me or my family. Life is too short and precious. I hugged my Man extra tight last night and said many prayers for my loved ones including my co worker whose life has changed in a blink of an eye.

So Fresh, So Clean

My hired cleaning help took on the very daunting task of cleaning Rob's bachelor pad yesterday. I gave her a very lenghty list of to do's and I wasn't sure if she would be able to get to it all. All day I was eager and also nervous to see the outcome. I went to check everything out after work and I was SO happy with her work. I walked in and the place looked and smelled AMAZING. A night and day transformation. 100% worth the investment. I could tell Rob didn't want to admit the place looked as good as it did but deep inside I know he appreciated the fact that I did this and his place, for the first time ever, is TRULY clean. Fingers crossed it stays this way going forward and I am able to maintain the cleanliness. I move the last of my things this evening. It's a bittersweet feeling. I've been on my own and taking care of myself for a long time and now I am entering a new chapter where it's no longer just me. I'm confident that Rob and I are making the right decision. We both admit that we are scared but also excited. I think it's perfectly normal and human to feel both emotions simultaneously.

10 months

Today is the 10th. 10 months ago today, I met Robert. To some, celebrating monthly anniversaries is silly... to me it's special as I never imagined I'd ever reach this point, with anyone. I love him. He loves me. It's that simple but even in that simplicity I get scared that tomorrow it could all fall apart. For now, I hold onto the truth that our love and relationship is strong and tomorrow will be what it will be.

House into a Home

My life consists of packing, purging, donating, and organizing for two. I’m ready for it to be done. I’m ready to live in my new home, with my guy. I decided to hire a cleaning lady to do a deep clean of Rob’s place. His idea of clean and my idea of clean are two WAY different cleans. I could of easily done the cleaning myself but I already am required to do a deep clean of my apartment before I vacate and the idea of having to do that twice, was overwhelming and exhausting. I am confident that hiring a cleaning lady will be well worth the investment. One of the many things I am looking forward to by living with Rob is turning his/our house into a home. In typical guy fashion, he has the necessities: Large TV, Leather Man couch, Microwave, and a bed. His walls are bare and are screaming “Make me pretty!!” I’m excited to get my finger prints on things and decorate. Thankfully a lot of my Décor will work in his place and he has agreed to let me “Do my thing.” He has a really nice place, it just needs a woman’s touch and I’ve been told I do that well. I should probably take some before and after pictures. Most of my family and friends know of the big move in. Everyone has been supportive and excited for us. There are a few that still don’t know and I’m nervous of the outcome of them hearing the news. I’m done stressing about what others will think and judgment/opinions they may caste our way. Bottom line is this was OUR decision that we made together. We love and are committed to one another. We are happy and that’s all that matters.

Next Chapter

Rob and I reached 9 months of dating this past weekend. I have to pinch myself because I never imagined I could be this happy. I never imagined I'd find someone who loves me, all of me, completely. I'm so thankful he is in my life and I am excited to see where things lead.

I have some exciting news to share but have been reluctant to share as I know some of my followers may not necessarily share in my excitement for moral reasons. With that said, Robert and I have decided to live together. My lease is up the end of September and instead of signing a new one, we have made the decision for me to move in with him. It's exciting but also terrifying. It's a big step, deeper commitment to one another, and all around just nerve wracking. Things will either work out, or they wont. He is worth that chance, and says I am too. My family is extremely supportive and excited for us. Rob doesn't have a relationship with his family so is thankful my family has accepted him and are supportive of him/us in this big step.

Rob and I have talked about what this means for us as a couple and where things are heading. There has been talks about the future. We both said that neither of us would have made this step unless we saw a future together long term. Even so, we both have things we want to work on as individuals before we commit to forever. Rob needs to finish school and eventually become a Police Officer. I would like to pay off unnecessary debt and actually start a savings account. Each of our goals are 100% attainable and we feel that by living together can only help out one another more. We love each other. We are committed to one another and our relationship. We are excited to be taking this step together and are thankful we have found each other.

Defining Moment

I had a crazy, scary, emotional weekend but as they say, out of something bad, comes something good and I believe I am experiencing the truth in that statement.

Long story short, I was in a sorta car accident this past weekend. Rob and I were leaving my Dad's place around midnight after a day long get together. I was driving and as I put the truck in reverse, I realized the ebrake was on. I couldn't figure out how to undo it so I got out of the truck, found the lever and pulled totally forgetting that the truck was in reverse. It started moving backwards, I freaked out, tripped and was dragged by the truck for a good 10-15 ft before I let go. The truck hit a neighbors car. I completely lost it. Rob's truck is his baby. His most prized earthly possession. I thought for sure he would freak out on me, but the exact opposite happened. He ran over to me, grabbed me and said "Are you ok? Jess, you need to tell me you are ok!! It's just a truck, it can be fixed. Please tell me you are ok!!?!" I couldn't muster any words, only tears. I felt absolutely horrible.

The next 24 hours I started to truly see the depth of Rob's love for me. As I mentioned, his truck is his most importantly earthly possession He loves that thing. He talks about it ALL.THE.TIME. But the fact that his reaction to the accident was to ensure I was ok, and that he remained calm under a stressful situation, and that he comforted me and kept repeating "It's just a truck, it can be replaced... you can not... I love you... I am not mad at you" really touched my heart and redefined our relationship. Sure, I was in love with Rob and he was in love with me too... but I could actually see in his eyes and feel in his reassuring touch that he truly, truly loved me. Our love was brought to a totally new and deeper level. A defining moment indeed.

I should mention that I am ok. I have some scrapes and a few bad bruises on my knees, arms, lower back and head, but I will be just fine. It could have been so much worse and for that I'm thankful that I only sustained what I did. In true Rob fashion, he has tried to make light of the situation and has joked "It's kind of like a right of passage. Most guys I know have stories to tell how their wife/girlfriend hit their car/truck into something." And that right there is one of the many reasons I love him. He's a good guy and I'm so happy I get to call him mine.

You know what's weird...

I look at my friendships. Some are married. Some even have kids. Some of these friends I've known since we were in middle/high school. Now they are married with kids? What? How did this happen? When did we become adults? Weird.

I'm an adult. When I look at the Jessica from 5, 10,15 years ago, I am amazed at the person I was and the person I am today. It's interesting to look back and see actual growth. Weird.

I have a real grown up job. I'm able to provide for myself. I have a car, an apartment, a cat, clothes, a fridge that's usually always filled with Diet Coke, I pay taxes, and I have insurance. So weird.

I'm the oldest cousin on my Dad's side. I was spoiled the first 3 years of life. Of course I don't remember this, but there are pictures to prove it's truth. My cousins are growing up. I remember all but one being born and now they are graduating high school, college, in relationships, getting married?! What the heck??!  WEIRD!!!!

I have a boyfriend. He actually likes me. In fact, he loves me. He came into my life at the perfect time and there are no promises that he will stay, forever. But the fact that he's here, now... wonderfully weird.

Life has a way of just happening, doesn't it? SUPER weird.

Human curiosity

I hate Facebook sometimes. It can be such a buzz kill in the morning when you casually are looking through your news feed, only to find a picture of your ex, and his now wife who is expecting, smiling and happy. All things I dreamed I'd have with him one day. Human curiosity comes with a cost. I know I should delete him but the nosy curious person that I am secretly wishes one day I will see news that he is miserable. I'm horrible for thinking such things because the truth is, I do want him to be happy. But it's hard to let go of the fact that it was never meant to be with me.

I love Rob... I really do. I'm at a really good place in my life right now and I'm incredibly happy but I have to be honest and say that a part of my heart still stings when I hear or see news of "Him." He will forever be the person who got away, but maybe I need to rephrase that and say that I'm the person that he let get away instead? Yeah, that sounds better and probably is the truth.

Pause to Pursue

I think I am finally learning the art of just being happy where I am at. It's a peace I've longed for, for quite some time. A bit strange and unusual feeling but one I will gladly learn to adjust myself to. I'm in a good place. There are still goals, dreams, aspirations that I will continue to pursue but for now, I'm content in breathing it all in, and loving everything out. I'm blessed. I'm thankful for what I have. Life is good.

Thirty-One-Derful

I had an AMAZING weekend filled with get together's with family and friends to celebrate ME! I feel super spoiled, loved, and blessed.

Friday: Went to Happy Hour with Rob and some of his friends from High School. It was fun to meet more friends and get the scoop on what Robert was like back in the day. All of the friends that came were girls, so that says a lot. :) He wasn't a ladies man... just a really good guy who happened to have a lot of friends who were girls. They all were super nice and happy to see that Rob was happy.

Saturday: The morning was sunny and warm and then clouds moved in with rain and temps dropped to the mid 50's with rain. Brrrr... this didn't stop me from having a Bon Fire with my friends. I was able to host in my Dad's back yard. He recently re-did his patio so it's open, but covered. It even had a fireplace so we huddled around the fire, drank our beverages, and made s'mores. It was a good time. But then I realized just how old I was when everyone left at 11pm. Yikes... no more partying until the wee hours of the morning.

Sunday: Rob and I spent the whole day together. He was in desperate need of some new clothes so we went shopping! I think he secretly loved it even though he openly says he hates to shop. Finished the day at my Mom's for Birthday dinner which was Stuffed Burgers, potatoes, chicken salad and of course, cupcakes!

Monday: My official Birthday as of 10:44am. I met my Grandma and Aunt for Breakfast. Went and got my haircut and styled, spent some time getting my nails done, and ended the evening with a fabulous dinner at Biaggi's where I ate, drank and was very merry with Rob. It was a Thirty-One-Derful day!!



Fresh hair cut and style. Ahhh, feels so good!

                              

Trying to get a cute picture together and this was the best we could do. Makes me smile none the less!





30 Things

As I close the chapter of my 30th year and enter my 31st, I thought I would recap 30 things that happened the last 365 days.

1. Celebrated 30 years with my family and friends by having a wine and cheese party!
2. Ate cake... lots of cake.
3. Started to love my job again when my new boss started last July!!
4. Enjoyed a beautiful summer weekends laying out at my Dad's pool
5. Drank wine on my patio, a lot.
6. Weekend up at the Lake in Nisswa, MN.
7. Attended 2 weddings
8. Booked a trip to Hawaii
9. Realized I needed to cut the toxic out of my life, twice.
10. Lost 11 pounds
11. Met a really great guy
12. Went out to dinner, a lot since meeting this really great guy
13. Gained 8 lbs back. Meh
14. Had someone to kiss on New Years
15. Started to grow my nails out (this is a big thing as I've always been a nail bitter!)
16. Went to Hawaii for 10 days and HAD A BLAST!!!!
17. Realized I really liked Rob while I was on vacation
18. Had my very first Valentine
19. Threw a surprise party for Rob's 30th Birthday. It was hit
20. Paid off a student loan!!!
21. Traded in my Honda Fit and got a Honda CRV!!
22. Duluth getaway with my man!
23. Broke up, briefly
24. Realized we loved each other and got back together
25. Treated myself to a lot of manicures and pedicures
26. Shot a gun
27. Went fishing
28. Discovered GiGi's Cupcakes. I love cake.
29. Read 50 Shades of Grey... blushed, a lot.
30. Felt very loved and blessed.

Cheers to the last 30 years, and here's hoping my 31st is just as wonderful!

Heart

My anxious thoughts and feelings are starting to subside surrounding the little hick up Robert and I had a few weeks ago. Each day that passes, my heart grows to love him even more than the day before. His actions match his words which has been the re-assurance I've been needing to hear and feel. He holds my hand when we are in public. He greets me with a hug and kiss and manages to hold on just a little bit longer with each embrace. He sends little text messages that make me smile, laugh and realize how thankful I am that he is mine. And last night, as we were out to dinner I got the biggest re-assurance of all. We were talking about the last 6 months and how he never imagined himself being at this point with me. He openly said that he never wanted a lasting relationship with me, but somewhere along the road he fell for me and fell hard. He said: "The heart wants what it wants and I couldn't dismiss that feeling."  I love him. A love I've never felt before. It's exciting but terrifying. Even in my state of love, I feel my eyes are still wide open. Things could easily fall apart again, but as I have said before, he is so worth that risk and it appears I am too. What a wonderful feeling.

Good Hair Day

One of the things I actually like about myself is my pretty blonde hair. People pay good money to achieve my shade of blonde. I get it for free. (Thanks, Dad!) I've had bangs for the last 20ish months and decided to grow them out again. I was finally able to successfully do the side swept bang look today and people are loving it, and I am too! Yay for good hair days!







Matter vs. Mind

I've been pretty open and honest about my struggles when it comes to my weight. I've always been a "Chubby" or "Big Boned" girl. I've accepted the fact that I will never be skinny, but I have reached a point of disgust again after seeing some pictures of myself 13 years ago, and then today.



June 2000- 18 years old



May 2013- 30 years old



13 years ago, I was approximately 50 lbs lighter. I remember being 18 and thinking I was fat. I hated my arms, the shape of my face. I hated how my legs jiggled when I walked and how my stomach wasn't flat. I pretty much hated everything about my physical body. Everyday I would look in the mirror and pick apart every flaw. I remember wishing I could be like my girlfriends and wear a two piece when going to the beach but instead I walked around in my one piece with shorts and a t shirt to cover up.  Now  I look back at that picture and would give ANYTHING to be her again. She was thin and beautiful but didn't realize her beauty.

I look at my picture that was taken this past Sunday and cringe. I see a grown up version of myself. I have more self esteem and know that I have beautiful qualities, but still haven't quite accepted ME yet.

It's an icky feeling when you haven't seen family in awhile. You greet each other and they say "You look, great... Jess." But you know in the back of their mind they are thinking "Wow... she's gotten big." I experienced that this past weekend and back on Easter. They all work hard at hiding their true feelings, but I could sense the reality. Sigh.

I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm stressed. I don't eat when I'm sad though... Food is a common theme in my family. Everything revolves around a meal. Birthdays, Holiday's, It's crappy weather, It's wonderful weather, It's Friday... any excuse to eat and drink we can find justify it. I love food. I love feel good food. Sometimes (all the time) I make bad decisions of what I decide to put in my body.

I think everyone has an addiction they struggle with. Mine just happens to be food. I really want to figure this out. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good about the way I look. Like everything else in my life, I wont give up. The desire is there, I just need to figure out why matter is winning over my mind.

Adjusting

Feeling a bit unsettled today. My head and my heart are still trying to adjust back to "Normal" after the system shock I endured last week. We were able to talk through some things and I felt good about the dialogue we had, but I still feel a bit insecure of where we actually are at. In any relationship, there are risks. Sometimes things will work out, but there is also the chance that things will fall apart. I tend to listen and  follow with my heart. Not because I am desperate for love and I NEED things to work out, but because I give 100% when I am in a relationship. Perhaps this is my biggest fault as a person? One of the MANY things I have learned from past relationships and experiences is it takes two people who WANT to be together and are willing to put in the time and energy to make things work. He says he's in it. Lord knows I am in it too. But I still feel afraid that tomorrow he will wake up and system shock part 2 will happen again. I think it's a legitimate fear to have.  Either way, I feel he is worth the risk. He is worth fighting for. He is worth loving.  He is worth potentially getting my heart beat up all over again because at least I can say I tried. I just hope he thinks I am worth it, too.

2nd chance

Yesterday was rough. I was still feeling the stings from what happened on Tuesday night but was able to get a few hours of sleep in which helped me keep my composure. I made it into work as well, which helped keep me distracted although my mind was very much elsewhere. I made it through the day and as I was wrapping up my day, my phone rings and it is Robert. In the back of my mind, I knew he would call but I wasn't expecting it so soon. I answered and he said "I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake. I am so in love with you but I got scared." I immediately started crying. I was happy, relieved but also scared. We both agreed to talk through things in person which is exactly what we did last night.

I was nervous to see him again as the last time I did, I was a complete and utter mess. He hugged me and kissed me and hugged me some more. We talked about what happened. He admits that he was completely overwhelmed with his feelings and didn't handle them the right way. He also admits that he needs help to deal with issues from his past because it is affecting his present and future. He says he wants me in his life because  there isn't anyone else he would rather want to be with nor anyone else who would be willing to help him through this journey. I love him, a love I've never felt before. Any man who admits they were wrong and take responsibility for their actions and says they want and need help, deserves a 2nd chance.


Many have seen and "Liked" my relationship status change on Facebook. I have to laugh. He was the one that initiated it. I thought it was a bit pre-mature but he wanted to show to the "world" and me that he's in this. Silly I know, but kinda cute at the same time. I'm still really shaken up by the whole week but I feel a ton better knowing that it wasn't fake, it wasn't pretend. It was real and is real.  We will be taking baby steps together. He needs to be better and if I want to be honest with myself, I need to be better too. We all are a work in progress. I am willing to be patient and help him through that process. Thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, and overall just being there for me. If it wasn't for my friends and family, I wouldn't have made it through this. I am lucky and blessed in so many ways.

"We come to love not to the fine the perfect person, but learning to love an imperfect person, perfectly."

Expired

I've been sitting here trying to properly compose my thoughts and feelings. I want to scream, but instead I cry. Robert broke up with me last night. I guess my expiration date finally arrived.  I was completely blindsided and unprepared. Usually there are warning sings, instead my signs were a weekend away tagged with a meet and greet of his grandparents and my grandma and aunt. Why would I be expecting a break up?

Last night was like any other night. We had dinner, watched some TV, snuggled, and as I was about to leave, he says: "I still have some apprehensions about our relationship." My heart immediately sank deep into my stomach. I knew we were about to have the awful and uncomfortable break up talk. He proceeded to explain that the past weekend while were in Duluth, he was hoping he would have the courage to tell me he loved me. He had plenty of opportunities to say such powerful words, but nothing transpired. He said the opportunity came and went and realized that he couldn't say "I love you." He then went on saying that he doesn't feel he is capable of love. Loving someone or accepting love in return.  He had mentioned this earlier on in our relationship but as things progressed, it appeared that he was opening his heart and letting his guard down. I was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me that the past 6 months he was pretending. He loved the idea of having a girlfriend and knew I was really good to him, but he never had feelings for me in return. He said he went along with things because he thought it was the right thing to do. He said he used me. He said he knew what he was doing and he knew in the end he would hurt me. He said that he never wanted to see me cry or a be a reason that I cry. He said that he knew he needed to end things because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.

I spent 3 hours crying trying to understand why this was happening and trying to get him to explain to me why. He spent 3 hours trying to show no emotion. I said what I needed to say. I hope he heard my words and took them to heart. He said he would call in a month, but I know better than to think or hope that he will. I feel like a fool. I thought I was FINALLY in a relationship that was mutual, respectful, honest, and true. According to him, it was fake. I can't and won't accept that what we had was fake, because it was very real for me.

I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm tired but mostly I'm incredibly sad. I truly thought he was different. I believed his words and actions the past 6 months, but clearly according to him, it was a giant game and I was played. It stings. I can't help but take it personally. I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me. Different guy, same excuse. I attract the emotionally unavailable ones. I can't help but say "Why me?!"

I haven't slept in 36 hours. It's hard for me to talk to anyone without totally breaking down. I'm hoping my mind will finally shut off soon so I can rest. If you believe in the power of prayer or positive thoughts, I would appreciate anything you can throw my way. But more importantly, please pray for Robert as I believe he is the one who is truly hurting from pains much deeper than a failed relationship.

Road Trippin'

Rob has been itching to go on a road trip lately, so we decided to head up to Duluth for the weekend. We couldn't have asked for better weather. Though the town is recovering from 50 plus inches of snow in April, the sun managed to peek out enough this weekend to bring temps up to the lower 60's. Below are some pictures of our weekend. There is a whole album on Facebook if we are friends on there... if not... Friend Me!  I think it's safe to say, we like each other.... just a little bit. :)

On the road at 7:05am. But look how happy we are!

Cheese ball

Hi, let me take a picture of you taking a picture of me.



AWWW



Insert the obvious Titanic caption

Taking in Lake Superior

Beautiful sunset to end our wonderful weekend.

The Call

Robert is a Firefighter for the City of Maple Grove. He just received his 5 year pin this past February. He is incredibly  passionate about serving and protecting his city. I admire his passion for wanting to serve and protect others but this comes at a cost. Every time his pager goes off for a fire call, my heart sinks deep into my chest as he sprints off into go mode.

Last night we decided to go grab dinner. As we were paying for our to go order, his pager went off:

"Attention Maple Grove Station 1 and 2, structure fire has been reported at...."

It was go time again. As we were speeding our way back to the station, we could see in the West a HUGE line of smoke.My heart sank even more.

"Yup, it's a structure fire alright." He said with excitement as I was biting my nails with nerves.

Since I drove to pick up dinner, I dropped him off at the station, squeezed his hand goodbye and drove away not knowing what would happen next. I went back to his place and tried my best to distract myself with smutty TV. I kept looking at my phone to see if a text came through, nothing. The next 3 1/2 hours seemed like an eternity. I finally managed to doze off on his couch. Around 11pm his door opened, and there he was. Tired. Sweaty. Smelling of smoke. My guy. My Firefighter.

I knew in the back of my mind he would be ok. He's trained for these situations over the past 5 years. He's smart and I know he wouldn't do anything stupid but he has said that if he had to, he would risk his life to save another. Courageous as it may seem, that thought terrifies me to no end, and also makes me realize just how much he means to me.

I hugged him and kissed him probably a dozen times before I finally left. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm nuts, but I was so happy he was safe. This was the first legit fire I've experienced since dating him. He's had a lot of calls, but mostly false alarms. If things continue to progress as they seem to be doing so far, I have a feeling I will have a lot more legit fire calls to deal with.

Lucky

Robert: (Hugging me)"You know I think you're the most beautiful girl, right?"

Me: (Smiling) "You make me feel like the most beautiful girl."

Every girl deserves to hear those words. It never gets old. It's weird. THIS is what THIS is supposed to be like. A real legit relationship. No secrets. No lies. No betrayel.No games. 100% honesty with sweet words intermixed. I feel lucky to have found a good one. He was worth the wait.

P.S. I think he's pretty handome too! I tell him everyday.

It's raining, it's snowing...

It's April 18th. We are suppose to get 6-8 inches of MORE snow today. It's not right. I need a new word for over it. I'm in a major weather funk aka a Vitamin D deficiency. I desperately need to see and feel the warmth of the sun again. It's been too long. I hate that I'm one of those people who lets the weather affect her. I can't help it though. I am totally a Heliophilia. Hopefully the lack of sun and warmth this Spring will bring a longer and warmer summer and fall? One can hope.

I've lived in Minnesota my entire life. I've endured long winters and crappy Springs for a long time. I decided last week that maybe it was time for me to look into getting a more Minnesota weather appropriate vehicle aka an SUV.

I come from a family of Honda owners. I've driven Honda's since I was 16 years old. I can't say enough good things about them. They are a great and reliable car and I will drive them until I can no longer drive anymore.

I've always wanted to  a Honda CR-V but could never justify the payment. I went in on Friday for an oil change and was casually window shopping in the show room.  I was in the middle of my 36 month Lease on my 2010 Honda Fit so I knew I there was probably no chance of getting out of my lease before February 2014. I ran into a sales guy and mentioned I was interested in a CR-V but would need to wait until February to do anything because I was in the middle of my lease. He mentioned that there was a possibility I could get out of my lease and started to pull some numbers. I went in on Saturday and test drove one and fell in love. We went through what Honda could offer me (it was a really good deal!) so I went home to crunch numbers and weigh the pros and cons. After 2 days of deliberation (and hearing that we were going to get ANOTHER snow storm later in the week) my decision was made, and I went and picked up my NEW car last night.

I went with a White Diamond Pearl exterior color with beige with dark brown accents on the interior. It has a sunroof, bluetooth, and rear camera. It also has a slew of other amenities that I'm sure are just as awesome, but I haven't quite figured them out yet. That's what my weekend is for as it's suppose to be rainy and cold again. Weird. Best of all, my new car has that wonderful new car smell. LOVE. I'm really happy with  my decision. Hopefully my fear in driving in icky weather will subside now that I have a safer vehicle.

Yup.

Words can not even describe how "Over It" I am.

Help!!!!

Robert met my Mom on Friday. She cooked us an amazing meal and on the way home, Robert looks at me and says “I know you have it in you to cook like that.”

I need help. I’ve been living la vida single lady for too long. I can make tacos, spaghetti, and a mean bowl of cereal but anything else… I get anxiety with the idea of trying to navigate my way around the grocery store let alone kitchen.

Do you have any recipes you’d like to share?? Preferably on the easy side as I am a cooking virgin but I’m willing to take on a challenge to win over my man’s stomach (and perhaps his heart??) I'm determined to be a Domestic Goddess.

Comment below or email me at jlsparl82@gmail.com

Your help is appreciated!!

Milestones

Two things happened this weekend that I didn't believe would happen:

1. Robert met my Mom, Step Dad, Brother and his girlfriend over dinner.

2. We reached 5 months of dating.

I was reluctant of introducing Robert to my family. I didn't want to rush things nor put pressure on him. It's a big step. About a week ago I felt comfortable with the idea of him meeting my family and casually brought it up in conversation one night. Without hesitation, he agreed. It was obvious I was more nervous than he was but it went very well. We ate, drank and were merry. My step Dad had bought a $70 bottle of wine back in 2004 and was saving it for a special occasion. Apparently me bringing a boy home to meet the family was considered a special occasion. I was touched by his gesture, and Robert was too.

I'm not sure why, but all of my past relationships never made it past 5 months. It's like I have an expiration date, things turn sour QUICK and I need to be tossed. I've tried not to think about it too much as I've been dating Robert but sometimes it can't be helped. This relationship has been very different on all accounts and if I was completely honest with myself, this is probably the first legit REAL relationship I've ever been in. Based on his actions and words, I am very much his girlfriend and it feels good to know that I am his girl and he is my guy.

I'm smiling on the inside and out. For the first time, I am truly happy and feel secure in a relationship. A concept that was so foreign to me for so many years. They say when you find the right person, it just works. There is so much truth in that statement. Though I am still very much taking it day by day with him, I'm finding myself letting my guard down a bit more. You can't move forward in a relationship until you let somebody in. I'm still unsure what the future will bring for us but I am sure happy he is a part of my present.




Como Zoo and Conservatory 3/30/13



I've really cut back on how much I post. I wish I had a legit reason. I have a lot to talk about but when it comes to forming the right words, they slip me. Instead, I'll just leave you with some updates from my life.

 It's the first day of Spring. Usually this makes me happy but it's 5 degrees right now. It feels like -11. This time last year it was 80 and sunny. It's not right. I miss the sun. My skin hates me because the air is so dry. I'm convinced that we wont see above 30 degrees or green grass until July. It's not OK.

My Dad, Step Mom, Brother and his girlfriend are heading to Arizona in a few weeks. I was invited to go but opted out since I just went to Hawaii and didn't feel like charging another airline ticket. I may need to cave and bite the airline ticket. I desperately need warmth and sunshine!

I threw my guy a surprise Birthday party last Friday. I was actually surprised that I kept it a surprise for over a month!! He was touched. He told me later that night "I sometimes forget how many people love and care about me. Thank you for reminding me." It warmed my heart to hear those words.

I was hit with the cold/flu a few weeks ago and it knocked me out for 5 days. I missed 3 days of work because of it too. Thankfully I have an amazing boss who is understanding and supportive in making sure I get well and take care of myself. Unfortunately the crud hit Robert a week later, a day after his party thankfully. I've been playing nurse along with amazing girlfriend the past few days. He's appreciative but I can't help but laugh a little. Guys tend to be babies when it comes to any illness. I was able to take care of myself for the most part while he was on his death bed. Makes me think of the MAN COLD.Ohhhhh boys.

After a 4 month hiatus, I'm back on the Body by Vi Shakes diet. I was doing so well for 2 months and then I met a boy. Dating involves a lot of going out and eating. Then the Holiday's came. Then Hawaii came. Then I woke up yesterday morning and got on the scale and wanted to cry. I had one more day of pity party eating and woke up this morning and started over, again. I feel like I've started over a million times. I'm hopeful that someday it will stick. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. It's 90% in my head and 10% actually doing it. I will never be skinny. It' not in my DNA. I just want to make better choices. Be more active. Be healthier and still enjoy life. I love food. Food loves me. I need to find a balance. One step, one day at a time.

Even though I'm feeling a bit down that my weight is back up, I have an amazing guy who makes me feel beautiful everyday. I took him out to dinner on his actual Birthday on Monday. He was still feeling icky from his cold/flu but wanted to go out and celebrate. I could tell he was tired. His eyes were heavy but he looked at me and smiled saying "You look so pretty tonight." :) It never gets old. I'm pretty lucky to have such a good guy.

Staying Safe

I just posted this comment on one of my favorite blogs and realized I should probably post it on my blog to document where I'm at today and what I am feeling:

"For a majority of my short 30 years of life, I feel like I'm in a constant state of wait. Waiting for things to pan out, waiting for doors to open. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting because I'm too afraid to make the first step myself. If I wanted to be completely honest with myself, I'm waiting my life away and not living it. My prayer lately is that God place a fire under my tush and deep in my heart and soul and that I find what TRULY makes me alive. Living my dream. Living my passion. Still trying to figure out what that is exactly. I'm a work in progress. We all are."

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I feel like I should know what that is by now, but I don't. I've always lived my life on the safe side. Doing what is expected of me. Staying within my comfort zone. Trying my best to make others happy and proud but never really doing anything that pushes me to be better. The older I get, the more relaxed I'm becoming. I find myself worrying less about things I can't control such as the future but I still lack the feeling of purpose in my life. I have big hopes and dreams of what my life COULD be like if I took a chance but still I stay comfortable in my little corner. I am settling for safe and easy life because I am too afraid to try something different and fail.  I need to figure out a way to overcome this. Life is too short not to.

Crabby Pants

It's snowing. I feel it hasn't stopped snowing since I returned from Hawaii.  I've reached the point in the winter season when I become physically angry when it snows. It may be a bit dramatic, but I seriously can't handle it. I've lived in Minnesota my entire life so you would think I would be used to this and that each winter becomes easier, but it is the exact opposite. Once the first flakes start to fall in November, it seems it doesn't end until April, sometimes May.Though I just returned from a fabulous warm weather vacation, I'm in need of a permanent warm weather vacation for life. Life is too short to not be happy. I'm a MUCH happier Jess when the sunny and warm days out number the cold ones OR better yet... cold ones don't even exist! I need to figure out a way to make my dream of living someplace warm year round into a reality. I try my best to stay positive enjoy the season but the truth is, my crabby pants are on and It hurts to force my fake "I love this weather" smile.

What's next

There were reasons why I wanted to keep my relationship with Rob on a the down low. It's not that I wanted to keep him a secret. Inside I was bursting with joy that I found someone who was just as into me as I was to them, but a part of me wasn't prepared for all of the questions and curiosity that ensues after you start dating someone....

"Is he the one?"
"Are you in love?"
"When is the wedding?"
"Ring by spring?"
"Are you going to move in together?"

Don't get me wrong, I touched that I am THAT loved and have the support in my corner hoping and praying that I find someone special, get married, and have a family. But can I just say "Halt!"?? We've been dating  for like a minute (actually 3 months). It's been 3 great months but at this stage, I have no intention of looking any farther into the future than what our plans are for the upcoming weekend. To some, I may be the oldest 30 year unwed, no kids bachelorette left. But for once in my life I feel truly happy and content with being where I'm at. For once I don't feel the need to compare myself to others or wishing my life were different. For once I have accepted my life as it is and have started to truly enjoy it.  Not to worry, I still see marriage and kids in my future. With Rob? I don't know. Perhaps.  But just like everything else I have experienced  in this relationship thus far, I'm taking it one step at a time. Enjoying the process. Enjoying the journey all the while continuing to learn and grow as a person.

I.Am.Happy.



Our Valentines Day at Benihana.



My Valentine

It's Valentine's week. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is my least favorite holiday let alone my least favorite time of the year. February tends to the coldest and snowiest time of the year. Gray days highly out number sunny days and I become super crabby and to be honest, lonely. This year it's different. I just got back from a wonderful vacation. Vitamin D has been absorbed into my skin and I no longer feel the need to be crabby at those yearly warm weather vacationers. But the most important reason is this year will be my first time, ever, having a Valentine. I have someone to snuggle with on the cold winter nights.  I know I am loved by my friends and family. I know that Valentine's Day isn't necessarily meant for just lovers, but the fact I have a special somebody to share this "Lovers" holiday with means a lot. I feel special. I feel like I'm a part of the club now.

I've been rather quiet about who I've been seeing the past few months. At first, I wasn't sure if the relationship was going to last. But... after some time and patience our relationship evolved to be something a bit more. It's true... I have a boyfriend. His name is Robert (Rob) and I like him very much. He's a good guy and a true gentleman. I'm still a little cautious and keeping my heart close to my chest but I'm happy. He's good to me and treats me well.

Valentine plans are pretty low key as he needs to work late that night. We still plan to get together to exchange cards (and probably some smooches) but we also opted to do something bigger together on Saturday night instead. A nice dinner and movie are probably in store. Rob's Birthday is in March so as a combined Valentine's/Birthday gift I bought us tickets to the Food & Wine Expo. He's kind of a foodie and loves wine and craft beers so it seemed like a no brainer. The event isn't until March 2nd though so we have some time until we get to enjoy that gift together. He's super excited, as am I. Anyone want to drop us off and pick us up so we can BOTH enjoy the event?! :)

I will leave you with some recent pictures of the two of us. Isn't he a cutie?! So huggable. I love his beautiful blue eyes and beyond envious of his LONG eye lashes. Wheee. Dating someone who's just as into you as you are him is fun. Excited to see what's in store for us.

Ice Castle at Mall of America 1/26/13




Firefighter Banquet 2/9/13

 

Aloha, Hawaii!

I'm back from paradise. Had an amazing time. I'm currently in the process of trying to figure out a way for me to move there and live permanently. I'm not kidding. I've never been so happy in my life than when I was there. Though it was just a vacation, I saw myself living there for life.

As we were descending into Honolulu, I had butterflies in my stomach. Not just from the turbulence but with the anticipation of what the next 10 days were going to bring. As they opened the door to the jet way, the intoxicating smell of rain and tropical flowers filled my senses. My friend greeted me in Hawaiian fashion with the most beautiful lei. I instantly felt at home.

My plan was to have no plans and just take each day as it came. My friend wasn't able to take as much time off as she hoped for but was gracious enough to offer me her car. Oahu is surprisingly easy to get around in. There didn't seem to be road rage either, in fact people are SO accommodating of merging  traffic. Not so much in Minneapolis. One thing I noticed about traffic is the speed limit is about 10 miles less there but people manage to go over by 15 mph. Go figure. I only got lost twice but thanks to GPS I found my way.

Here is how I spent my days in Hawaii:

Monday: It rained but still was a beautiful day. I went to Pearl Harbor. It was difficult to hear the stories and see pictures not to mention the remains of that horrific day. Went to Hickam Air Force Base and watched the sunset as the rain cleared out by the end of the day.

Tuesday: Went to Ko'Olina Lagoon in Kopolei which is about 30 minutes West of Honolulu. SO BEAUTIFUL. I laid out and soaked up the sun.

Wednesday: Went to the weekly Flea market at Aloha Stadium. It was your cheap Hawaiian trinket paradise. This is where I picked up a majority of my gifts for family and my boy. :) Spent the afternoon at the pool.

Thursday: My friend Amie was able to take one day off and she took me around the entire Island. I saw my first Whale Breach on this day too! Also experienced my first shaved ice. So yummy. We also visited Dole Plantation. Did you know that it takes 2 years for one Pineapple to grow?! Crazy. Went to North Shore scoped out all of the big surf beaches and even  saw Sea Turtles!! It was an awesome day!

Friday: Went back to Ko'Olina and beached it again.

Saturday: Went Whale watching. The best $60 I've ever spent. I saw about 20 breaches. The most incredible thing I've ever experienced.

Sunday: Toured the Island again. H3 Scenic drive. Went to Chinaman's Hat, Kualoa Ranch and hit up a Burger place on the way home. Fun fact is Kualoa ranch is where a TON of movies have been filmed (Jurassic Park, 50 first Dates etc...). Spent the afternoon at the pool again.

Monday: I was hoping to do a Shark Dive but it didn't work out. One thing about Hawaii is there isn't a sense of urgency when it comes to calling people back or confirming anything. It's a VERY laid back place. Hang Loose is a way of life. I was bummed about the shark dive but this just means I need to go back! I spent Monday back at North Shore and went to Waimea Falls. It was so lush, so green, so beautiful. It was a bit overcast this day with a few showers but still the surroundings were SO beautiful. We went back to Hickam Air Force Base and watched another sunset.

Tuesday: Went back to Ko'Olina for my last minute sun. I loved Ko'Olina and would recommend ANYONE to vacation at their resorts. Though pricey, it is so beautiful. The weather is perfect, everyday. That part of the Island has is very dessert like and has sun everyday and very few clouds. Plus the ocean is just so beautiful. Crashing waves and Mountains in the distance. Perfection. Tuesday night I was able to capture my first and only Rainbow. It was Hawaii's way to saying goodbye and to come back, soon!

It was wonderful trip. I saw everything I wanted to see and felt I had a true Hawaiian experience. I will be back to visit and if my dreams come true, to stay for good.

I took over 500 pictures. I edited them down to 220. Below are some of my favorite shots. Enjoy!

Hickam AFB Sunset

Hickam AFB Palm Trees with Sunset.

Ko'Olina Lagoons

Ko'Olina Lagoon. Have you seen a bluer blue? Sky or water?! Doesn't seem real but it was.

H3 Scenic Drive

Kualoa Ranch

My future home. Dream Big.

I saw about 20 Whale Breaches. AMAZING.

Waimea Falls. The trees were MASSIVE.

Waimea Falls. I promise you I'm happy here. My eyes are just squinty.



Rainbow!!



Raging Road

The story I'm about to share may sound a bit irrational. Even so, given our current state of our world and it's increasing impulse to inflict harm on others for no reason, I can't help but feel a little concerned for my safety and well being. For the record, I am OK. Just a little shook up.

I was on my way home from visiting my Man last night (Yes, it's official... we are bf/gf). It was about 10:30pm. I was tired and not feeling the greatest. I just wanted to get home and go to bed. I was going about 60 mph on a 55 mph highway. Out of nowhere a guy came zooming up behind me. He was riding my tail, so much so that I couldn't see his lights. I sped up and pulled into the other lane so he could pass me. As he passed me I looked over and raised my hands saying "What the Hell??!" He then proceeded to cut me off and slammed on his breaks several times. He then slowed down to 40 mph in hopes that I would pass him. I didn't. I just continued to drive in hopes he would just speed away. He didn't. He pulled over the shoulder to let me pass and then he started to follow me. I was nearing my exit home but decided that wasn't the wisest idea as I didn't want him to  know where I lived. He continued to follow me for 10 minutes and then eventually went away.

I finally made it home and was upset. I called R and told him what happened. He calmed me down but I still went to bed with knots in my stomach and only managed a few hours of restless sleep. I was worried that when the idiot was following me he managed to take down my License Plate info and would eventually look it up and track me down. Irrational thinking? Perhaps, but I can't help but be a little afraid. There are a lot of crazies out there who just want to inflict pain, worry, and chaos. Who's to say this asshole of a man couldn't be like any of the other crazies out there? Thankfully I'm dating a Firefighter and Law Enforcement student. He is very protective and I always feel safe when I am with him. Maybe this whole experience is even more reason to continue to spend more time with him. :) Trying to find the humor in the situation, but I still am a bit upset. This feeling will pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I don't like living my life in fear but today I still feel afraid.

Life update

Hi Friends! Sorry I've been MIA. Life has been busy, thankfully with mostly good things! Here is a little recap of what has been going on in my world.

1. Still seeing my not so mysterious man. We've had some good talks about what we are, and where we are heading. Taking it day by day and enjoying the time I do spend with him. He treats me well, very well. I'm not used to it but I'm learning to accept that this is how I should be treated. He makes me smile, laugh and all around feel good. I'm happy.

2. My 90 day challenge kind of took a nose dive. I'm really disappointed in myself. I could blame it on a slew of things. The Holiday's, dating someone new, stress at work but in all honesty I can only blame myself. I'm not going to give up on myself though. Once I return from Hawaii I plan to start the 90 day challenge again as I do believe it works, if I follow it. Will power! I know I have it hidden in me somewhere.

3. I leave for Hawaii in 11 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been counting down since 130 days. To say I'm excited is a complete understatement. It's been FREEZING in Minnesota lately and next week they are saying highs in the 0's. WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAATTTT?? Get me outta here already! I haven't taken a legit vacation, over a week, outside of Minnesota since 2004. I'm way overdue and if I can be selfish for a minute, DESERVE this time away. My plans are to enjoy the Island, take in some sights, and soak up as much sun as I possibly can! The friend that I am visiting told me a few weeks ago that it is Whale Season while I am there so we are hoping to do a Whale Tour! I'm also interested in doing a Shark Dive. Eeeeeeeeekkkkkk!!! So pumped!

4. Work has been INSANE. This shouldn't surprise me though. Whenever I try to take any sort of time off, the place suddenly can't exist without my presence and goes into freak out mode. I take this as compliment but also find it to be a huge pain in my ass, and also causes me to question if I should be taking time off at all. Ugh.

5. I visited my Grandma last weekend. She was feeling a bit down so I tried my best to cheer her up with flowers and lunch. We laid low and chatted while watching Animal Planet shows. I get my love for animals from her. It's genetic. As I was getting ready to leave I hugged her twice, told her I loved her and as I was walking out the door she said "I better hug you one more time as I'm not sure when I will see you again." Not sure why but this jolted my heart right into my mouth. It was a wake up call. God's way of saying "Make sure you tell the ones you love, you love them, always." So I hugged her again, a little tighter that time and went on my way.

Besides those few highlights, not much else to report. Hope to write more as things settle down. Thanks for checking in! Sorry I've been a bad blogger.

Expirating Dating

For the first time ever, I had someone to kiss on New Years. I've been rather quiet about who this mystery man is but truth be told, I have been seeing someone for about two months. I like him. He's a good guy and treats me well. We go on dates. He opens doors. He bought me beautiful flowers and a spa gift certificate for Christmas. He also brought me to a New Years party where I was able to meet a handful of his friends. This meant SO much to me as it proved I am not a secret. I'm happy, really happy, but I know in the  back of my mind this isn't going to last. I like to call this expirating dating. Dating that has a shelf life and once it's run it's course it will end/expire. You see, the guy I am dating is emotionally unavailable. He's been very up front and honest about this since day one in which I respect. He has a heart breaking past. For some, childhood is what we spend the rest of their lives trying to get over. His childhood is something that haunts him and has paralyzed him from having a normal emotional relationship. He says he isn't sure if he is capable of feeling love or being loved. He knows he needs help but admits his not ready to face his demons. My heart hurts for him. He openly shares things with me and there has been times in which I have had to hold back tears. It's heartbreaking but his mess doesn't scare me. If anything, it makes me appreciate the life I have had and realize how lucky, blessed and loved I was as a child and still am to this day.

He has expressed that he knows how special I am. Has even used the word "Amazing" to describe me but has warned me several times not to get too close to him because he doesn't want to hurt me. He cares for me a great deal but at this point in his life he can't give me more than what we already are, which is expiration dating. 

Some may ask why I am even wasting my time. I ask myself that question daily. I know I can't fix him and that isn't my focus or intent. I can't help but feel our paths were  meant to cross for a reason. That our "Season" together has a purpose. I consider myself to be a caring person. I love with my whole heart but in this situation I find myself still caring and "loving" him but to a limit. I haven't allowed myself to fall. Perhaps my purpose is to show him that he is worth loving and caring about. I shared those thoughts with him  a few weeks ago in which he smiled and said "Thank you. That means a lot."

I'm not sure when things will expire between us. A part of me hopes that if the romance fades, at least a friendship can survive. I guess time always has a way of showing us what will be.