Expired

I've been sitting here trying to properly compose my thoughts and feelings. I want to scream, but instead I cry. Robert broke up with me last night. I guess my expiration date finally arrived.  I was completely blindsided and unprepared. Usually there are warning sings, instead my signs were a weekend away tagged with a meet and greet of his grandparents and my grandma and aunt. Why would I be expecting a break up?

Last night was like any other night. We had dinner, watched some TV, snuggled, and as I was about to leave, he says: "I still have some apprehensions about our relationship." My heart immediately sank deep into my stomach. I knew we were about to have the awful and uncomfortable break up talk. He proceeded to explain that the past weekend while were in Duluth, he was hoping he would have the courage to tell me he loved me. He had plenty of opportunities to say such powerful words, but nothing transpired. He said the opportunity came and went and realized that he couldn't say "I love you." He then went on saying that he doesn't feel he is capable of love. Loving someone or accepting love in return.  He had mentioned this earlier on in our relationship but as things progressed, it appeared that he was opening his heart and letting his guard down. I was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me that the past 6 months he was pretending. He loved the idea of having a girlfriend and knew I was really good to him, but he never had feelings for me in return. He said he went along with things because he thought it was the right thing to do. He said he used me. He said he knew what he was doing and he knew in the end he would hurt me. He said that he never wanted to see me cry or a be a reason that I cry. He said that he knew he needed to end things because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.

I spent 3 hours crying trying to understand why this was happening and trying to get him to explain to me why. He spent 3 hours trying to show no emotion. I said what I needed to say. I hope he heard my words and took them to heart. He said he would call in a month, but I know better than to think or hope that he will. I feel like a fool. I thought I was FINALLY in a relationship that was mutual, respectful, honest, and true. According to him, it was fake. I can't and won't accept that what we had was fake, because it was very real for me.

I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm tired but mostly I'm incredibly sad. I truly thought he was different. I believed his words and actions the past 6 months, but clearly according to him, it was a giant game and I was played. It stings. I can't help but take it personally. I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me. Different guy, same excuse. I attract the emotionally unavailable ones. I can't help but say "Why me?!"

I haven't slept in 36 hours. It's hard for me to talk to anyone without totally breaking down. I'm hoping my mind will finally shut off soon so I can rest. If you believe in the power of prayer or positive thoughts, I would appreciate anything you can throw my way. But more importantly, please pray for Robert as I believe he is the one who is truly hurting from pains much deeper than a failed relationship.