So true. So very very very true.
WARNING: Jenna likes to swear, A LOT. My apologies if you are offended. I think when it comes to dieting, swearing is sometimes needed.
Happy Monday!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Love/Hate
Taking a pass from my 30 by 30 update. Not going to dive into why... just not a good week.
I have major insecurities about my physical appearance. I've always struggled with loving and accepting myself as I am. I constantly compare myself to other women. Especially the tall, thin and effortlessly beautiful ones (which is what I am surrounded by at work and in life it seems). I've always just been the "Pretty Face" girl. I can count on one hand when I remember being told I was beautiful and I felt it was sincere. This week was particularly hard for me for some reason. I found myself getting really down on myself for not being pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, good enough. It's an icky side of me that likes to creep out every now and then. I dislike it, a lot. The other night I was journaling at home and decided to make a list of things I love and hate about myself. It was therapeutic. Instead of trying to hide my flaws, I wrote them down on paper.
10 things I dislike about myself
1. I'm overweight. I've lost and gained consistently for years. I wish I could figure this out. People say losing weight is like trying to quit smoking. It's hard except the difference between quitting smoking and quiting eating is... we all need food to survive.
2. I have chubby fingers and chew my nails. Not a good combo.
3. Women say that they've earned their "Stripes" after carrying a child for 9 months. I've earned mine already and I don't have a child to claim my own. This also goes hand in hand with me being overweight. I don't like the sight of my naked body and try to be as covered up as possible, always.
4. I have cankles and thips. (Calf ankles, and thigh/hips)
5. Though some women would be envious of the size of my chest, I wish I could get rid of it. My neck and back are in constant discomfort. I will often need to buy the next size up for shirts just because my chest is too big. Past boyfriends will admit it was the first thing they notice about me. This makes me sad as I wish they would notice other things. I don't consider the size of my chest blessing by any means.
6. I have short legs. Though they are strong, they still jiggle. I hate that. I can't wear shorts (choose not too) because I dislike my legs that much.
7. I have back fat. Icky.
8. I have dark eye brows. People constantly ask me if my natural hair color is brown because my eye brows are so dark. This annoys me.
9. I have short eye lashes. I know this may seem weird, but I wish I had longer lashes.
10. I don't like my chubby round face.
10 things I like about myself
1. I like my smile. Been told it is genuine, sincere, and warm. I like to think I'm pretty photogenic.
2. I have a good nose. Not too big, not too small.
3. I like my toes. They are usually always painted.
4. I have good skin (on my face). It's rare that I have a breakout.
5. I have pretty blonde hair.
6. I like my blue eyes. They tend to change the color of blue depending on what I am wearing.
7. I have good lips. They are perfect shade of pink and can usually get away with just wearing lip gloss. Never been a lipstick girl.
8. I like that I don't need to wear a lot of make up. Typically I wear a bronzer (on my face and even as eye shadow), mascara, and lip gloss and call it a day.
9. I have straight teeth thanks to 18 months of braces in 8th grade.
10. I can master the perfect tan in the summer. I truly pride myself on this.
I have major insecurities about my physical appearance. I've always struggled with loving and accepting myself as I am. I constantly compare myself to other women. Especially the tall, thin and effortlessly beautiful ones (which is what I am surrounded by at work and in life it seems). I've always just been the "Pretty Face" girl. I can count on one hand when I remember being told I was beautiful and I felt it was sincere. This week was particularly hard for me for some reason. I found myself getting really down on myself for not being pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, good enough. It's an icky side of me that likes to creep out every now and then. I dislike it, a lot. The other night I was journaling at home and decided to make a list of things I love and hate about myself. It was therapeutic. Instead of trying to hide my flaws, I wrote them down on paper.
10 things I dislike about myself
1. I'm overweight. I've lost and gained consistently for years. I wish I could figure this out. People say losing weight is like trying to quit smoking. It's hard except the difference between quitting smoking and quiting eating is... we all need food to survive.
2. I have chubby fingers and chew my nails. Not a good combo.
3. Women say that they've earned their "Stripes" after carrying a child for 9 months. I've earned mine already and I don't have a child to claim my own. This also goes hand in hand with me being overweight. I don't like the sight of my naked body and try to be as covered up as possible, always.
4. I have cankles and thips. (Calf ankles, and thigh/hips)
5. Though some women would be envious of the size of my chest, I wish I could get rid of it. My neck and back are in constant discomfort. I will often need to buy the next size up for shirts just because my chest is too big. Past boyfriends will admit it was the first thing they notice about me. This makes me sad as I wish they would notice other things. I don't consider the size of my chest blessing by any means.
6. I have short legs. Though they are strong, they still jiggle. I hate that. I can't wear shorts (choose not too) because I dislike my legs that much.
7. I have back fat. Icky.
8. I have dark eye brows. People constantly ask me if my natural hair color is brown because my eye brows are so dark. This annoys me.
9. I have short eye lashes. I know this may seem weird, but I wish I had longer lashes.
10. I don't like my chubby round face.
10 things I like about myself
1. I like my smile. Been told it is genuine, sincere, and warm. I like to think I'm pretty photogenic.
2. I have a good nose. Not too big, not too small.
3. I like my toes. They are usually always painted.
4. I have good skin (on my face). It's rare that I have a breakout.
5. I have pretty blonde hair.
6. I like my blue eyes. They tend to change the color of blue depending on what I am wearing.
7. I have good lips. They are perfect shade of pink and can usually get away with just wearing lip gloss. Never been a lipstick girl.
8. I like that I don't need to wear a lot of make up. Typically I wear a bronzer (on my face and even as eye shadow), mascara, and lip gloss and call it a day.
9. I have straight teeth thanks to 18 months of braces in 8th grade.
10. I can master the perfect tan in the summer. I truly pride myself on this.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Good Fortune
I had a fortune cookie for breakfast... not super healthy but inside my cookie was a message of hope I needed to hear today. Feeling a bit insecure and anxious about where I'm at in life. Somedays I am running the race at a steady pace and other days (like today) I feel so far behind. Taking time to feel what I need to feel. God has a plan and it is so much bigger and better than anything I ever could imagine. Holding onto that truth today.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Business as usual
Sorry bloggie friends for the lack of posts. Things have been busy so I will recap what's been going on in my oh so fascinating world, now.
My boss announced his retirement on Monday. I knew it was eventually coming, but I was shocked and actually a little sad when it became official. We've finally melted the ice and now he's leaving. Change is scary. The fear of the unknown always leaves me a bit anxious and unsettled. Rumors have been circling on who will replace him. Some are good while others are bad. I try to steer clear of work gossip. Pretty sure I graduated High School 12 years ago.
Today is Admin Appreciation Day. I feel appreciated which is always a good feeling. If you have an Admin in your life, make sure you tell him/her the same.
I think I have found a Church home which makes me OH so happy. It is called The Exchange. They meet on Sunday nights. Mostly young adults. Awesome worship, and wonderful messages. I was particularly moved by last Sunday's message "New Heaven/New Earth." If you have the time, I would listen to Pastor Aaron's message. Touched my heart and really put things in perspective for me.
I have decided to have a 30th Birthday party!! Yes, I'm going to be 30, but that doesn't mean I can't still have a party!?! I'm having a wine & cheese party... fancy right?! My Dad graciously offered his backyard again so hoping for good weather so I can eat, drink and be 30 & Fabulous with family and friends!
E is good. We are still in the friend zone which is perfectly fine with me. His Birthday is this coming Saturday so I took him to a Twins Game last night as we both LOVE baseball. Though the Twins were demolished by the Red Sox, we had a great time together. A part of me was secretly hoping we'd end up on the Kiss Cam. What an awkward way to have a first kiss!! BUT, I settled for a "Thank you for a wonderful night, honey" followed by not one but two BIG hugs. (Butterflies). He's a good guy and even if nothing romantic comes from our friendship, at least I have gained a wonderful friendship.
My boss announced his retirement on Monday. I knew it was eventually coming, but I was shocked and actually a little sad when it became official. We've finally melted the ice and now he's leaving. Change is scary. The fear of the unknown always leaves me a bit anxious and unsettled. Rumors have been circling on who will replace him. Some are good while others are bad. I try to steer clear of work gossip. Pretty sure I graduated High School 12 years ago.
Today is Admin Appreciation Day. I feel appreciated which is always a good feeling. If you have an Admin in your life, make sure you tell him/her the same.
I think I have found a Church home which makes me OH so happy. It is called The Exchange. They meet on Sunday nights. Mostly young adults. Awesome worship, and wonderful messages. I was particularly moved by last Sunday's message "New Heaven/New Earth." If you have the time, I would listen to Pastor Aaron's message. Touched my heart and really put things in perspective for me.
I have decided to have a 30th Birthday party!! Yes, I'm going to be 30, but that doesn't mean I can't still have a party!?! I'm having a wine & cheese party... fancy right?! My Dad graciously offered his backyard again so hoping for good weather so I can eat, drink and be 30 & Fabulous with family and friends!
E is good. We are still in the friend zone which is perfectly fine with me. His Birthday is this coming Saturday so I took him to a Twins Game last night as we both LOVE baseball. Though the Twins were demolished by the Red Sox, we had a great time together. A part of me was secretly hoping we'd end up on the Kiss Cam. What an awkward way to have a first kiss!! BUT, I settled for a "Thank you for a wonderful night, honey" followed by not one but two BIG hugs. (Butterflies). He's a good guy and even if nothing romantic comes from our friendship, at least I have gained a wonderful friendship.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Free
I met Ryan just over 7 years ago. I was 22 and he was 24. We were both broken and bruised from our past relationships and it is safe to say that we were each others rebounds at the time. From that rebound, formed a friendship and from that friendship I developed strong feelings for him while he still remained neutral. He would always say "I just don't feel the spark with you, Jess." That statement still confuses me to this day. I dismissed his constant rejections in wanting to take our relationship to the next level. I was convinced if I waited another day, week, month, year... he would change his mind about me, about us.
I tried to be perfect for him. I would go above and beyond, constantly. There would be moments when I thought "Oh, he's changing his mind, I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes." But... nothing. Ryan had a way of pacifying me with little glimmers of hope. Though he never wanted me to be his girlfriend, he did want me around to be his feel good friend. He was a manipulator. I ate his words up like they were candy. He also had a way of making me feel special, wanted, needed.
Out of all of the relationships I have had in the past 10 years, Ryan is the one who truly broke me. Though we were complete dysfunction right from the start, behind the icky layers, I believe we truly did have something real which is probably why I stuck around as long as I did. Ryan and I have had countless goodbyes only to be followed by new hello's and then followed by more goodbyes. I had shed a millions tears over him and my heart has been broken too many times to count. You may ask why do I torture myself? I ask myself that question often too. Ryan has always been a person in my life that I can't seem to dismiss. I truly loved him and cared about him. He brought out the worst in me but also brought out the best.
For the past year or so, we've kept in contact with one another. Mostly via text message. He has moved on, has a girlfriend who has 2 children who also live with them. Insta-family. Not gonna lie, this stings, a lot. She apparently gives him something I never could, even though I gave him everything. Anyway... I hadn't heard from him in a good month or so until this past Saturday. May I also point out that I believe ALL of my ex boyfriends have a radar and know exactly when I am happy and find a way to come in and just f it up. Ugh. But yes, he contacted me again. Conversation was innocent at first but then, true to his form, it took a turn for the worse. He is toxic and has a way of sucking me into his vortex. Over the past 2 years, I have learned to keep him at bay, put him in his place when I need to but never have reached my boiling point and said "Please leave me alone!"
I started to realize that on the days/weeks when Ryan and I were in communication with one another, I felt like crap. I didn't like myself. I was ultra emotional. I also would isolate myself from family and friends. My heart was very bitter and broken. On the flip side, on the days/weeks when we weren't in communication with one another, I was happy, care free, excited about life and it's possibilities. I knew the problem, I knew the solution but yet I still couldn't muster up the courage to tell him "Stop!Leave me alone,"
I had a pretty uneventful night last night. Went for a walk, checked in on a pet sitting client, and watched some of the Twins game with E. While watching the game, I got a text from Ryan that said "What's up Babe" and I instantly became flooded with anger. That anger was the fuel that I have been desperately seeking for the last 7 years. I simply responded with "I can no longer talk to you Ryan. This ship has sailed. Please leave me alone and allow me to be happy." The second I hit send, I felt like a 190 lb weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe. I felt my heart become warm in my chest. I felt free.
I will never wish any ill upon Ryan. I did love and care for him and a part of me always will. I just reached my limit with him. He was only bringing me down and I was born to be going a different direction. 7 years is what it took, but it was time. Long overdue, but I feel anew.
I tried to be perfect for him. I would go above and beyond, constantly. There would be moments when I thought "Oh, he's changing his mind, I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes." But... nothing. Ryan had a way of pacifying me with little glimmers of hope. Though he never wanted me to be his girlfriend, he did want me around to be his feel good friend. He was a manipulator. I ate his words up like they were candy. He also had a way of making me feel special, wanted, needed.
Out of all of the relationships I have had in the past 10 years, Ryan is the one who truly broke me. Though we were complete dysfunction right from the start, behind the icky layers, I believe we truly did have something real which is probably why I stuck around as long as I did. Ryan and I have had countless goodbyes only to be followed by new hello's and then followed by more goodbyes. I had shed a millions tears over him and my heart has been broken too many times to count. You may ask why do I torture myself? I ask myself that question often too. Ryan has always been a person in my life that I can't seem to dismiss. I truly loved him and cared about him. He brought out the worst in me but also brought out the best.
For the past year or so, we've kept in contact with one another. Mostly via text message. He has moved on, has a girlfriend who has 2 children who also live with them. Insta-family. Not gonna lie, this stings, a lot. She apparently gives him something I never could, even though I gave him everything. Anyway... I hadn't heard from him in a good month or so until this past Saturday. May I also point out that I believe ALL of my ex boyfriends have a radar and know exactly when I am happy and find a way to come in and just f it up. Ugh. But yes, he contacted me again. Conversation was innocent at first but then, true to his form, it took a turn for the worse. He is toxic and has a way of sucking me into his vortex. Over the past 2 years, I have learned to keep him at bay, put him in his place when I need to but never have reached my boiling point and said "Please leave me alone!"
I started to realize that on the days/weeks when Ryan and I were in communication with one another, I felt like crap. I didn't like myself. I was ultra emotional. I also would isolate myself from family and friends. My heart was very bitter and broken. On the flip side, on the days/weeks when we weren't in communication with one another, I was happy, care free, excited about life and it's possibilities. I knew the problem, I knew the solution but yet I still couldn't muster up the courage to tell him "Stop!Leave me alone,"
I had a pretty uneventful night last night. Went for a walk, checked in on a pet sitting client, and watched some of the Twins game with E. While watching the game, I got a text from Ryan that said "What's up Babe" and I instantly became flooded with anger. That anger was the fuel that I have been desperately seeking for the last 7 years. I simply responded with "I can no longer talk to you Ryan. This ship has sailed. Please leave me alone and allow me to be happy." The second I hit send, I felt like a 190 lb weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe. I felt my heart become warm in my chest. I felt free.
I will never wish any ill upon Ryan. I did love and care for him and a part of me always will. I just reached my limit with him. He was only bringing me down and I was born to be going a different direction. 7 years is what it took, but it was time. Long overdue, but I feel anew.
30 by 30: Weekly Update
Loss/Gain: -1.3
Total lost: 10
Pounds to lose until goal: 20
Activity: Walks. Lots and lots of walks
Water Intake: At least 32 oz a day!
Healthy Habits: Walking during lunch
Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devos & Journaling
I lost. That's all that matters. I had a good week. Lots of laughter, smiles, and aha moments which I will blog about in another post shortly. I'm in a really good place right now. I'm happy. It feels good.
Total lost: 10
Pounds to lose until goal: 20
Activity: Walks. Lots and lots of walks
Water Intake: At least 32 oz a day!
Healthy Habits: Walking during lunch
Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devos & Journaling
I lost. That's all that matters. I had a good week. Lots of laughter, smiles, and aha moments which I will blog about in another post shortly. I'm in a really good place right now. I'm happy. It feels good.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
We're Not Young
A friend of mine decided to send me this little number this morning to remind me that I'm no longer "Young." Made me laugh, and maybe cringe just a tad as some of it may be true or could be true? Sigh... 30. (Deep breath). 3-0! (Another deep breath.) It's going to be great, right?!!?
In attempt to take me out of my "OMG, I'm going to be 30 years old" freak out moment, a friend posted THIS amazing article on Facebook. Quite possibly the highlight of my week. I needed a good laugh. Hope it brought some smiles and laughter to you, too!
In attempt to take me out of my "OMG, I'm going to be 30 years old" freak out moment, a friend posted THIS amazing article on Facebook. Quite possibly the highlight of my week. I needed a good laugh. Hope it brought some smiles and laughter to you, too!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Doing Life
I turn 30 in less than 7 weeks. I have lost approximately 10 lbs. In order to reach my goal I would need to lose 2.86 lbs a week. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm most likely not going to reach my goal. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, like a failure. I put my weight loss goals out there for all to read. People were following me, encouraging me, rooting me on and now I feel like I have not only let myself down, but the ones who were following me as well.
When I first decided that I was going to attempt to lose 30 by 30, my friend introduced me to Ben from Ben Does Life. He is probably the most inspirational person (blogger) I have come across in my few years in the blog world. He managed to lose 120 lbs as well with gain some weight back. Though he has lost a tremendous amount of weight, he doesn't sugar coat the reality of his struggles. I read his most recent post this morning and it hit me, hard. Particularly this part:
“Don’t talk about the things you’re going to do; just do them.”
Wow, powerful.
I may not achieve my goal of 30 lbs gone by the time I turn 30, but I have every intention of achieving this goal at some point. In the mean time, I'm going to "Do Life" as Ben as so cleverly catch phrased. I'm going to continue to be me, choosing happiness, making better choices and just living life. Well I make mistakes? Of course. Will I fall down? Absolutely. But I will pick myself back up and keep moving forward, one step at a time. One pound at a time. I'll get there, eventually. I'm going to focus on Doing Jess and Doing life. That's all I really can do.
I leave you with a little video that Ben has on his website. I watch it whenever I need a little encouragement, or motivation or both. I can relate to him on so many levels and from the looks of it, people around the world do too.
When I first decided that I was going to attempt to lose 30 by 30, my friend introduced me to Ben from Ben Does Life. He is probably the most inspirational person (blogger) I have come across in my few years in the blog world. He managed to lose 120 lbs as well with gain some weight back. Though he has lost a tremendous amount of weight, he doesn't sugar coat the reality of his struggles. I read his most recent post this morning and it hit me, hard. Particularly this part:
“Don’t talk about the things you’re going to do; just do them.”
Wow, powerful.
I may not achieve my goal of 30 lbs gone by the time I turn 30, but I have every intention of achieving this goal at some point. In the mean time, I'm going to "Do Life" as Ben as so cleverly catch phrased. I'm going to continue to be me, choosing happiness, making better choices and just living life. Well I make mistakes? Of course. Will I fall down? Absolutely. But I will pick myself back up and keep moving forward, one step at a time. One pound at a time. I'll get there, eventually. I'm going to focus on Doing Jess and Doing life. That's all I really can do.
I leave you with a little video that Ben has on his website. I watch it whenever I need a little encouragement, or motivation or both. I can relate to him on so many levels and from the looks of it, people around the world do too.
Friday, April 13, 2012
30 by 30: Weekly Update
Loss/Gain: +1.5
Total lost: -8.7
Pounds to lose until goal: 21.3
Activity: Meh
Water Intake: Some
Healthy Habits: Meh
Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devos
I gained, I'm not surprised. It's been an icky week. I don't have any excuses. Only have myself to blame. Weight loss has always been a beast in my life. I will do good for awhile and then get lazy. I need to find my motivation. I need to regain my focus.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
I wonder if that includes weight loss?? Jesus loves and accepts me just as I am, why is it so hard for me to see myself through His eyes?
Total lost: -8.7
Pounds to lose until goal: 21.3
Activity: Meh
Water Intake: Some
Healthy Habits: Meh
Emotional Weight Loss: Daily Devos
I gained, I'm not surprised. It's been an icky week. I don't have any excuses. Only have myself to blame. Weight loss has always been a beast in my life. I will do good for awhile and then get lazy. I need to find my motivation. I need to regain my focus.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
I wonder if that includes weight loss?? Jesus loves and accepts me just as I am, why is it so hard for me to see myself through His eyes?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
One of those days
Woke up late.
Closet full of clothes, nothing to wear... yet I just bought new clothes.
Tried on 3 outfits. Hated all of them.
Strongly dislike what I'm wearing today.
Been driving and paying for parking all week due to my car pooler being in LA.
$60 I didn't budget for.
Couldn't find parking this morning due to the stupid Twins game this afternoon.
My paycheck has already been spent and I haven't even gotten paid yet.
People in my HR department don't communicate.
I get told I need to communicate more, but yet it's the info from HR that isn't communicated.
I think E is pulling away.
He doesn't seem as interested in me as he was a few weeks ago.
I erased his number so I wouldn't be tempted to text/call him, then threw my phone.
If he's interested, I guess he will call, right?
I feel fat, ugly, and unwanted.
I haven't been eating the greatest, or exercising.
I skipped my 30 by 30 weekly check in on purpose last week.
I don't think I am going to reach my goal.
I turn 30 in less than 2 months.
Starting to freak out a little bit.
I thought I wanted to be older, but now I kinda feel like a failure for not achieving what I wanted to at this point.
Sometimes dreams are just too big to ever attain.
I did something stupid last night, instantly regreted it.
No answer was my answer.
Lesson learned.
I'm pretty sure I am PMSing.
I should probably put myself on time out tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Closet full of clothes, nothing to wear... yet I just bought new clothes.
Tried on 3 outfits. Hated all of them.
Strongly dislike what I'm wearing today.
Been driving and paying for parking all week due to my car pooler being in LA.
$60 I didn't budget for.
Couldn't find parking this morning due to the stupid Twins game this afternoon.
My paycheck has already been spent and I haven't even gotten paid yet.
People in my HR department don't communicate.
I get told I need to communicate more, but yet it's the info from HR that isn't communicated.
I think E is pulling away.
He doesn't seem as interested in me as he was a few weeks ago.
I erased his number so I wouldn't be tempted to text/call him, then threw my phone.
If he's interested, I guess he will call, right?
I feel fat, ugly, and unwanted.
I haven't been eating the greatest, or exercising.
I skipped my 30 by 30 weekly check in on purpose last week.
I don't think I am going to reach my goal.
I turn 30 in less than 2 months.
Starting to freak out a little bit.
I thought I wanted to be older, but now I kinda feel like a failure for not achieving what I wanted to at this point.
Sometimes dreams are just too big to ever attain.
I did something stupid last night, instantly regreted it.
No answer was my answer.
Lesson learned.
I'm pretty sure I am PMSing.
I should probably put myself on time out tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Eloquii
I have mentioned before that I am a bigger girl. I have my Dad's build but my Mom's height. Instead of cursing my short comings, I have slowly but surely learned to love and accept me just as I am. I have been blessed with some assets that require me to shop at stores that cater to such beauties like myself. Though I may be bigger, I still pay attention to what is on trend and like to wear clothes that are cute, fashionable, and comfortable.
While blog hopping the other day, I came across a new line of clothing at The Limited, called Eloquii and I must say, I'm impressed. Though I haven't actually seen the clothing face to face, the pieces I have seen online, I am drooling over.
Piece One:
While blog hopping the other day, I came across a new line of clothing at The Limited, called Eloquii and I must say, I'm impressed. Though I haven't actually seen the clothing face to face, the pieces I have seen online, I am drooling over.
Piece One:
Belted Sequin DressFlashy! Sequins are so on trend right now. Everywhere I look, I still sparkles everywhere! I would need to try this little frock on first before ever taking the $188 plunge, but I am very much in like with this dress. Perfect for a cocktail party!
Piece Two:
I adore this dress!! It's effortless. Paired with a black belt, and heels it's a perfect work outfit. I'm not one of those people who pre-plans her outfits before work the night before. I like to grab and go and this is a perfect piece to add to my closet.
Piece 3
This whole outfit just makes me happy. I love how simple it is but yet looks so pulled together. It's a grown up outfit, which I ALWAYS strive for when shopping for clothes.
Must start saving for a shopping spree at Eloquii (Hey, that rhymes!)
Friday, April 6, 2012
Purpose
I've been spending a lot of time in prayer and personal reflection the past few weeks. My prayers have been focused on God truly using me for HIS glory. That I be a light. That I can have an impact on this world and others.
Up until recently, I was struggling in my relationship with my Boss. It had gotten to the point where I was physically sick with worry and stress of the thought of going to work as I didn't know what to expect and if I would be used as his personal punching bag. Around the same time that I woke up and was finally happy again, was around the time when things started to change with him. I started praying for him while booting up my computer when I am first starting my morning, and would pray for him occasionally throughout the day when I thought maybe he needed it. Instead of fearing him, I chose to have compassion. I would smile vs. frown. I went out of my way to be kind to him even if he was unkind to me. Something shifted and since then (knock on wood) things have been better.
I've been attending a bible study at work for about 2 months now and a few weeks ago I was able to share my story about grace, patience, and prayer in the workplace. People were receptive but I had no idea to what extent. I received an email yesterday morning from a girl who attended that Bible Study asking if she could set up a coffee with me and learn more about my story and if I could offer some advice. Touched, I accepted her offer and than felt a wave a warmth wash over my body. I instantly knew that God had answered my prayer.
On Wednesday, a friend from work confided in me that she was going through a rough time with her boyfriend. He suddenly decided that he needed to take a break and pretty much just shut down, shut her out and has vanished the last 2 weeks. She was crushed along with a mixture of other emotions. As she was telling me her story, it instantly brought back memories of my break up with P. Though dramas were different, the behaviors of shutting down and shutting out were the same. I comforted her the best way I knew how. I knew she didn't want to hear me bad mouth her man, or give her false hope that things will eventually work out. Instead, I just said "There is a plan and purpose in this. God has a way of taking the broken pieces and turning into something beautiful. I promise you that He will take care of you. Feel what you need to feel and trust in the healing process." As I said those words to her, I knew again that God had answered another prayer. He had just used my past broken past for something good. I was able to comfort a friend who was going through the same thing I went through a few months ago. Though my heart hurt for my friend, my heart was also thankful that something beautiful came from my bad past situation.
Last but not least, I received the following text message from E earlier this week, "I haven't told you yet today how much sunshine you have brought into my life, Thank you, Jess!." How do you not smile after reading that? I'm eager to see what God has in store for us and our friendship. He has been such a blessing to me and from the sounds of it, I have been a blessing to him as well.
I can't express how much joy, peace, happiness and bliss I now feel. I prayed for weeks to feel what I am feeling. I thank God everyday that He helps me choose happiness and I will continue to pray and strive to be a light to this world and to others. God is SO good, all the time!
Up until recently, I was struggling in my relationship with my Boss. It had gotten to the point where I was physically sick with worry and stress of the thought of going to work as I didn't know what to expect and if I would be used as his personal punching bag. Around the same time that I woke up and was finally happy again, was around the time when things started to change with him. I started praying for him while booting up my computer when I am first starting my morning, and would pray for him occasionally throughout the day when I thought maybe he needed it. Instead of fearing him, I chose to have compassion. I would smile vs. frown. I went out of my way to be kind to him even if he was unkind to me. Something shifted and since then (knock on wood) things have been better.
I've been attending a bible study at work for about 2 months now and a few weeks ago I was able to share my story about grace, patience, and prayer in the workplace. People were receptive but I had no idea to what extent. I received an email yesterday morning from a girl who attended that Bible Study asking if she could set up a coffee with me and learn more about my story and if I could offer some advice. Touched, I accepted her offer and than felt a wave a warmth wash over my body. I instantly knew that God had answered my prayer.
On Wednesday, a friend from work confided in me that she was going through a rough time with her boyfriend. He suddenly decided that he needed to take a break and pretty much just shut down, shut her out and has vanished the last 2 weeks. She was crushed along with a mixture of other emotions. As she was telling me her story, it instantly brought back memories of my break up with P. Though dramas were different, the behaviors of shutting down and shutting out were the same. I comforted her the best way I knew how. I knew she didn't want to hear me bad mouth her man, or give her false hope that things will eventually work out. Instead, I just said "There is a plan and purpose in this. God has a way of taking the broken pieces and turning into something beautiful. I promise you that He will take care of you. Feel what you need to feel and trust in the healing process." As I said those words to her, I knew again that God had answered another prayer. He had just used my past broken past for something good. I was able to comfort a friend who was going through the same thing I went through a few months ago. Though my heart hurt for my friend, my heart was also thankful that something beautiful came from my bad past situation.
Last but not least, I received the following text message from E earlier this week, "I haven't told you yet today how much sunshine you have brought into my life, Thank you, Jess!." How do you not smile after reading that? I'm eager to see what God has in store for us and our friendship. He has been such a blessing to me and from the sounds of it, I have been a blessing to him as well.
I can't express how much joy, peace, happiness and bliss I now feel. I prayed for weeks to feel what I am feeling. I thank God everyday that He helps me choose happiness and I will continue to pray and strive to be a light to this world and to others. God is SO good, all the time!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Buzz Kill
Do you have someone in your life that has the tendency to bring you down? Someone who just can't be happy for you or support you or just be there for you without having an opinion? Are they sort of a buzz kill? Well, I have one and she happens to be my Mom. God love her, but sometimes I just want to shake her.
For the record, I love my Mom, dearly. We are very close and there isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for her and I know she feels the same way towards me. However, even so... we have always budded heads when it comes to a lot of things. Whenever I've had an idea or decided to do something in life, she can never just be supportive and happy for me. She has always had an opinion and can even be very judgmental. I know that as a Mom you want to protect your children, and perhaps her opinions, judgement, and what I view as a lack of support or happiness for me stems from love and wanting me to be successful in life, but I am an adult and sometimes I need to make mistakes to learn and grow. I still need to feel supported even if you don't agree with my decisions.
I think every child wants to please their parents. Even though I am an adult I still very much seek my parents approval and acceptance. I still long to hear the words "Jess, I am proud of you." I still want to see the GOLD STARS of approval above my report card in life. It hurts my heart that I don't always feel that from my Mom. I've tried talking to her in the past about how I feel a lack of support from her, but she tends to get very defensive and emotional and I usually end up apologizing to her. It's a battle I'd rather not fight but I know it's a battle I SHOULD fight for the sake and defense of my heart.
Sigh. I'm trying to not let this steal my sunshine today, but I feel a bit deflated.
For the record, I love my Mom, dearly. We are very close and there isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for her and I know she feels the same way towards me. However, even so... we have always budded heads when it comes to a lot of things. Whenever I've had an idea or decided to do something in life, she can never just be supportive and happy for me. She has always had an opinion and can even be very judgmental. I know that as a Mom you want to protect your children, and perhaps her opinions, judgement, and what I view as a lack of support or happiness for me stems from love and wanting me to be successful in life, but I am an adult and sometimes I need to make mistakes to learn and grow. I still need to feel supported even if you don't agree with my decisions.
I think every child wants to please their parents. Even though I am an adult I still very much seek my parents approval and acceptance. I still long to hear the words "Jess, I am proud of you." I still want to see the GOLD STARS of approval above my report card in life. It hurts my heart that I don't always feel that from my Mom. I've tried talking to her in the past about how I feel a lack of support from her, but she tends to get very defensive and emotional and I usually end up apologizing to her. It's a battle I'd rather not fight but I know it's a battle I SHOULD fight for the sake and defense of my heart.
Sigh. I'm trying to not let this steal my sunshine today, but I feel a bit deflated.
Monday, April 2, 2012
In The Zone
I spent a majority of my weekend with E. I helped him move apartments. (Still same building, different wing, different floor)I will admit when he told me he was moving to a different wing, I was a tad sad. We are still neighbors, but perhaps the little bit of distance will be good for us? After moving him in, we washed up and headed to a Wine tasting/Wine Sale. Yesssss! Then he decided he needed to go couch shopping and needed my help and opinion. We found an AMAZING couch. We both sat down and simultaneously looked at each other and gave a big sigh of contentment. We/He found the one. It even came with decorative pillows! Score!! After he made his purchase and arranged for delivery, we hit up El Loro (My absolute fav!!) for dinner. The gentleman that he is, paid yet again. I'm becoming spoiled. After dinner we headed home and proceeded to have another 5 hour talk about anything and everything. Wine was consumed which brought upon the "Let's tell each other how we really feel" discussion.
E:I like you
Me: I like you too
E: You've seriously have brought so much sunshine into my life! I love spending time with you and getting to know you better!
Me: Me too!
Me: I'm not sure if I want to cross the friend zone yet?
E: Yeah, me either. I usually go 0-60 within a few days of meeting someone.
Me: Yeah, me too. It would be nice to start a relationship the right way, being friends first.
E: So... you are ok with the way things are?
Me: Yup! If nothing more comes out of this, than at least we both have found a great friend in each other.
Both: (Smile and clink our wine glasses) Cheers!
So... we are still in the friends zone and perfectly happy and content staying there for now. I've prayed about it and asked God to protect both of our hearts and that if it is His will that it become something more, than it will gradually build from a good foundation. This is the first time I have asked God to guide me in a relationship. I feel truly at peace with where E and I are at and now that I have asked God to intervene and guide us both, I know that only good things will come from it.
E:I like you
Me: I like you too
E: You've seriously have brought so much sunshine into my life! I love spending time with you and getting to know you better!
Me: Me too!
Me: I'm not sure if I want to cross the friend zone yet?
E: Yeah, me either. I usually go 0-60 within a few days of meeting someone.
Me: Yeah, me too. It would be nice to start a relationship the right way, being friends first.
E: So... you are ok with the way things are?
Me: Yup! If nothing more comes out of this, than at least we both have found a great friend in each other.
Both: (Smile and clink our wine glasses) Cheers!
So... we are still in the friends zone and perfectly happy and content staying there for now. I've prayed about it and asked God to protect both of our hearts and that if it is His will that it become something more, than it will gradually build from a good foundation. This is the first time I have asked God to guide me in a relationship. I feel truly at peace with where E and I are at and now that I have asked God to intervene and guide us both, I know that only good things will come from it.
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