Love/Hate

Taking a pass from my 30 by 30 update. Not going to dive into why... just not a good week.

I have major insecurities about my physical appearance. I've always struggled with loving and accepting myself as I am. I constantly compare myself to other women. Especially the tall, thin and effortlessly beautiful ones (which is what I am surrounded by at work and in life it seems). I've always just been the "Pretty Face" girl. I can count on one hand when I remember being told I was beautiful and I felt it was sincere. This week was particularly hard for me for some reason. I found myself getting really down on myself for not being pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, good enough. It's an icky side of me that likes to creep out every now and then. I dislike it, a lot. The other night I was journaling at home and decided to make a list of things I love and hate about myself. It was therapeutic. Instead of trying to hide my flaws, I wrote them down on paper.

10 things I dislike about myself

1. I'm overweight. I've lost and gained consistently for years. I wish I could figure this out. People say losing weight is like trying to quit smoking. It's hard except the difference between quitting smoking and quiting eating is... we all need food to survive.

2. I have chubby fingers and chew my nails. Not a good combo.

3. Women say that they've earned their "Stripes" after carrying a child for 9 months. I've earned mine already and I don't have a child to claim my own. This also goes hand in hand with me being overweight. I don't like the sight of my naked body and try to be as covered up as possible, always.

4. I have cankles and thips. (Calf ankles, and thigh/hips)

5. Though some women would be envious of the size of my chest, I wish I could get rid of it. My neck and back are in constant discomfort. I will often need to buy the next size up for shirts just because my chest is too big. Past boyfriends will admit it was the first thing they notice about me. This makes me sad as I wish they would notice other things. I don't consider the size of my chest blessing by any means.

6. I have short legs. Though they are strong, they still jiggle. I hate that. I can't wear shorts (choose not too) because I dislike my legs that much.

7. I have back fat. Icky.

8. I have dark eye brows. People constantly ask me if my natural hair color is brown because my eye brows are so dark. This annoys me.

9. I have short eye lashes. I know this may seem weird, but I wish I had longer lashes.

10. I don't like my chubby round face.

10 things I like about myself

1. I like my smile. Been told it is genuine, sincere, and warm. I like to think I'm pretty photogenic.

2. I have a good nose. Not too big, not too small.

3. I like my toes. They are usually always painted.

4. I have good skin (on my face). It's rare that I have a breakout.

5. I have pretty blonde hair.

6. I like my blue eyes. They tend to change the color of blue depending on what I am wearing.

7. I have good lips. They are perfect shade of pink and can usually get away with just wearing lip gloss. Never been a lipstick girl.

8. I like that I don't need to wear a lot of make up. Typically I wear a bronzer (on my face and even as eye shadow), mascara, and lip gloss and call it a day.

9. I have straight teeth thanks to 18 months of braces in 8th grade.

10. I can master the perfect tan in the summer. I truly pride myself on this.