I'm a bad blogger lately...

My phone died. It wont take a charge anymore. My contract is up tomorrow and it can't come soon enough. I have been contemplating taking the day off tomorrow just so I can be first in line to get a new phone as every time I go to a stupid cell phone store, there are lines out the door. Why is that?? I must admit, I feel totally pathetic that I have become so dependent on such a tiny piece of technology. It is my life line. 10 years ago, I managed to live without one just fine. Now, I can't leave home without it. I'm embarrassed. I think I'm going to jump on the Apple bandwagon and get myself an iphone. We shall see what type of an upgrade I can get.

Work has been nuts but thankfully I have an AWESOME boss who supports me and encourages me everyday. It feels wonderful to have such a positive leader guiding me again. Night and Day to where I was a year ago.

I have been enjoying my "Retirement" from the City of Robbinsdale. It has opened up my weekends to include more fun in my life, and I have been having LOTS of fun and then some, in the sun... of course!

E's son is here for the next 3 weeks! I'm so happy that he gets to spend some one on one time with him that's more than just every other weekend. He is such a proud Dad and the way he talks about his son, he literally lights up and shines. Warms my heart. We are planning some fun activities while he is here, one in which involves us going up to the Lake for a weekend. Can. Not. Wait. Wheeeeee!

It's only getting better...

Kickball is over but E and I both want to stay active during the week (plus its another excuse to spend time together, like we need one) so we introduced "Monday Funday." We basically take turns planning a fun activity for each other. Last week was my week to plan so I took us to Sea Life at the Mall of America. It was totally cheesy, but we both had a blast. I've always been fascinated with Sharks, and this underground aquarium didn't disappoint.


TOTALLY inappropriate but he has a cute tush. :)

This week was E's turn to plan a Monday Funday activity but he needed to re-schedule and planned a Terrific Tuesday event instead, and it was terrific! We went bowling, had pizza, beer, and played darts. We laughed, a lot, and I even manged to beat him (I think he let me) in the last game.  It was a wonderful night with a wonderful guy.

After bowling and darts, we headed back to his place and chilled out on his couch and talked. We always joke with each other on how we jump from one topic to the next. Conversation is always flowing which I think is a good thing. It's rare if we have moments of silence. I'm not sure how we got on the topic, but E ended up telling me a story about when he was a kid, him and his friends wrote letters to themselves, put it in a time capsule, and promised to read the letters later on in life. Well, unfortunately... those letters are still buried in someones backyard but the curiosity of what was written is still fresh on E's mind. I thought the story was cute, and it showed me a sentimental side of him which totally melted my heart even more, until he said the following:

"We should write letters to ourselves and to each other, bury them, and then read them to each other in a year."

Are you for real??! My heart was bursting at the seams. I couldn't believe he would think of such a creative and unique not to mention incredibly romantic gesture. I fell asleep smiling from the inside out while thinking to myself  "Oh... this is only going to get better!"

The more time I am spending with E, the more I am starting to like him and dare I say, fall for him?? I'm glad we are keeping things in the friend zone. I think it's a safe and smart place to be, for now. But, I can't deny that my feelings for him are growing and the curiosity of what could be excites me to no end. I find myself thinking about him during the day, and my heart skips a beat when a text comes through. It's hard to be patient but wonderful things come to those who wait. I dislike our goodbyes, but savor every hug. He's a good hugger. Full arm embrace, and holds me for just a few seconds. I keep hoping that one of these days, a good night hug will be followed by a good night kiss. I wont make the first move... I'm following his lead on this. So far, it's lead me to something beautiful. 

Why? How?

How can anyone truly put to words the horrificness that happened this past Friday? Innocent lives were taken and dozens endured mental and physical injuries. Though my heart goes out to the victims and their families, my heart especially breaks for shooter's parents. How can a parent love their child through such an awful tragedy knowing it was THEIR child that caused such chaos and pain?? I'm reminded that this is how God must view us and our sin, daily. To Him... sin is sin. There is no greater sin over another. Though this is a time of great sadness, confusion, anger, and hatred,  my prayer for the families and anyone who has been directly or indirectly affected by this life altering event, is that they we can learn to trust that there is a plan and purpose in this situation. Out of something awful, can and does come something beautiful. God is in control, then, now, and always.

Judging books by their covers

We all do it, and to say that we don't, makes us liars. We all at some point in our lives, maybe even today, have made snap judgements on people based on their outward appearance. I catch myself doing this, and immediately try to change my focus on now what this person looks like, but who is this person on the inside. I have to remind myself that if roles were reversed, would I want this person to judge me based on my appearance? Nope, not at all.

My biggest insecurity with E is my physical appearance though he has done absolutely nothing for me to think such things. This insecurity is totally on me, and if I don't deal with it soon I'm afraid it may be the demise of our potential relationship. For the record, he hasn't a clue I even feel this way. I should get an Emmy for acting my butt off. I try my very best to allude all things confident and that I am totally secure within myself. Deep inside, I'm just a scared little girl who feels naked and ashamed of her "Flaws."

E is physically fit. He's super active and takes caution as to what he eats, but at the same time he can eat whatever the heck he wants and not gain a pound. (Grrrr). In conversation with him about his ex wife and girls he has dated since, it is pretty apparent that he has a "Type" he is attracted too. Short, VERY petite, and just all around itty bitty. Here I am, short but anything but itty bitty. I am probably a good 30-40 pounds bigger than he is (Those dang boobies and tush or at least that is what I am blaming it on when in reality, I am just bigger than he is because I just am). It's hard not to feel insecure about my size around him. For the most part, I am nice to myself and try to keep the negative thought talk at bay, there are a few times when a few light jabs and poking fun at myself will slip out. Though E will smile and laugh at the light jokes I crack, he mostly just says "Hey, be nice!" He's right... I need to be nice to me if I ever expect him to be nice to me.

Last Friday my work husband invited E and I over for a BBQ at his place. Work husband is like my brother. He loves me like a sister, but also pokes fun at me like a sister. He consumed quite a few drinks and then his filter was removed. I was his hot topic for poking fun of my "Assets." I didn't take offence because the things he were saying were true, and often what I poke fun at in myself. As I was laughing along with Work Husband, I noticed that E was not. This really stuck out to me, and actually touched my heart and really showed me who he is as a person, a man, a guy who I truly like, want and need in my life for many reasons.  E likes me for me. Why is this so hard for me to accept this?

Guilty Pleasure Music

Don’t act like you don’t have one… we all do. You know, that song that you are totally ashamed to admit you actually like but secretly have it on repeat ALL. THE. TIME. Feel free to cast all sorts of judgment on me but my guilty pleasure song is Justin Bieber’s Baby. I just love it how a 13 year old boy can accurately describe what Love is. Oh Justin… you silly silly boy.

The Dance Off portion of this video makes me giggle… those kids have got some moves! Daaannnnnnng.

What’s YOUR favorite guilty pleasure song?! It’s ok… this is a safe place and I wont judge you. In fact, there is a really good chance I not so secretly like that song too.

Big Step

For all my Facebook friends who have been on the edge of their seats, waiting in suspense as to what my Cryptic Facebook status was on Saturday night... the wait is over. :)

I met E's Mom!!!! To some, this may seem like not a huge deal, but to me... this was a BIG DEAL and a BIG step!! Though we are still just friends, the fact that he WANTS to introduce me to his family means more than anyone could possibly know or understand. E knows of my past relationships and how I was kept a secret and this small  HUGE gesture shows me that he truly cares and is attempting to rebuild my trust and heal my heart from its broken and bruised past.

I was excited but also incredibly nervous about meeting his Mom. As I was getting ready, I felt knots in my stomach and stressed about what was an appropriate outfit to wear as first impressions are oh so important. After spending TOO much time on my hair and makeup, and changing my outfit 3 times, I took a deep breath and headed over to E's place. As I was walking up to his door, I felt my knees buckle and had to remind myself to breathe.

Me: (Knock Knock Knock)

E: Come in

(E and his Mom were sitting on his couch and in the middle of a conversation as I walked in)

E: Hey Jess! This is my Mom, Mom this is Jess

Me: (Nervously smiling)

Mom: Hi!!! (Gives me a BIG hug) It is SO great to finally meet the girl that E has been telling me so much about!

Me: (Truly smiling from the inside out) I've heard so much about you too, it's so nice to finally meet you as well!!

E: (Sitting back on his couch. We locked eyes as I was hugging his Mom and he smiled at me. A wonderful moment I will always remember.)

We chatted for a little bit and then we headed off to dinner. It was a gorgeous night so we sat outside, ordered drinks, had dinner, and talked and talked and talked and talked. E just sat back and listened to us and chimed in a few times. It almost seemed  like his Mom and I knew each other for years. It was effortless and felt really REALLY good. She is an incredibly woman and I'm so happy I had the opportunity to meet her. I'm very hopeful that I will see her again, soon!

Oh the Clarity

It's amazing the clarity that comes with jealousy. Did you think I was going to wait around for you forever?! You had your chance, too many to count. My happiness is the best revenge and I'm afraid you're just another somebody I used to know.