All Will Be Swell In 2012

A new year, a new beginning, a new chapter I am so ready and eager to open. Usually the fear of the unknown paralyzes me, however I have never been more excited for a New Year than I am for this one.

Here are some things I plan to work on in the coming year and also some things I am looking forward to:

Attending Church More: I don't think you necessarily need to go to Church every Sunday to be considered a "Good Christian" but this is something that I have been lacking in my life. I will fully admit that I have turned my back on God, especially in the past 5 years and then I wonder why my life seems to be disarray 90% of the time?! Shame on me. I've been listening to that little voice inside my heart and have started attending Church again and reading scripture. Funny how God never turns His back on you and even when we turn away from Him. He remains the same and welcomes you back with open arms. I'm not going to say that I'm completely healed from all the pains in my life. In fact, right now I still feel so icky. I am broken in more ways than one but I have complete faith that soon I will be back to the Miss Jess that everyone loves and more importantly, the Jess that people WANT to be around. I don't even like my own company and can't imagine my friends and loved ones enjoy it either. It feels good to have this part of my life back but still feel like a fish out of water. I'm trying to find some air along with finding my way, again. I plan to continue to attend Church and seek out other Churches close by and hopefully find my perfect home and become a member.

Volunteer: Not because I need to, but because I want to. Animals have always been important part of my life. As painful as it will be to volunteer at the Humane Society, I think it's important for me to give my time, love, and attention to animals who desperately need it. Just pray that I don't end up going home with 10 cats and 10 dogs. Sigh. Have I mentioned that my absolute dream is to open up a Pet Rescue/Pet Daycare?! Winning a multi million dollar Powerball would be so helpful in accomplishing that dream! I guess in order to win, I should play. I can think of better things to spend my money on than the Powerball.

I turn the big 3-0 in June!! I think I may be the only one in my group of friends who is actually looking forward to this milestone. I'm so ready to bid farewell to my 20's. Though there were some good times, it was mostly filled with painful growing pains and many difficult lessons learned. I can honestly say that there isn't anything in the last decade that makes me say "Man, that was awesome... can I do that again?!" Nope. Not even a little bit. I don't think I am bitter or jaded because of it either. I like to say that I'm "seasoned" when it comes to life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I think I can say I've done a good job kicking butt when life has knocked me down. Here's hoping that the next decade will bring bigger, better, and brighter things! I think I'm overdue, no?

Another vacation? I sure hope so. I have a friend who lives in Hawaii and have been contemplating going and visiting her. Airfare is insane so I'm hoping that it will go down to a reasonable price and I will book. I have a sneaking suspicion that once I am there, I wont want to leave. I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I just stayed there forever now, would it? Nope. I don't think so either.

Take a Creative Writing Class: I love to write. To me it's therapy. I have so many thoughts about many things in life and feel safe to say those things, here. I would love to take a creative writing class to expand my horizon's and tap into more creative thinking. I feel I still have so much I want to share but not quite sure how to go about putting my thoughts into creative words. I know there are several online classes available but I would really like to go to an actual physical class. Some days I miss school. I think being surrounded by similar peeps would be good for me. Thoughts? Suggestions? Wanna join me?!

Pay off all unnecessary Debt: Yes, I still have debt. Ugh. Up until now, I have just accepted that debt is going to be a part of my life forever. It doesn't have to be that way though. I have two credit cards I want to pay off, and also one student loan I want pay off this year. It's totally achievable if I discipline myself, stick to my budget, and follow through. I've done it before, and I know I can and will do it again.

Last but not least, I will continue to strive to be the best version of me I can be. I'm a work in progress and will never give up on myself, on my hopes, on my dreams.

This will be my last post of 2011. Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you who follow me publicly and also in secret. :) You all are such a blessing to me. Cheers to a very Happy and Bright New Year! The best is yet to come and I am confident that 2012 will be filled with wonderful things!

Musical Therapy

This break up is really kicking my a$$. I truly hate that it consumes my mind, my thoughts, my emotions. A friend of mine told me the other day "Just don't let this situation take away your joy." Sigh. She's right... I am letting it. So, in an effort to move forward I thought I would share with you some of my favorite break up songs. Cast your vote for your favorite and share your own favorite that you think I should include in my "Break ups SUCK" playlist. :)


Beyonce "Single Ladies"
What can I say... she be fierce!



Lady Gaga "Bad Romance"
This video freaks me out a bit but I like the song.


Adele "Rolling In the Deep"
"Turn my sorrow into treasured gold, you pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow"

Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive"
Oldie but a goodie


Beyonce "Irreplaceable"
"To the left, to the left." Yes, she is on here twice. Beyonce knows a good break up song.


E for Explosion "This Is Me Being Honest"
Even with all of the "I hate what you did to me" break up songs, at the end of the day, I still feel sad and hurt. This song pretty much sums everything up on how I feel RIGHT NOW. Oh how I wish a had a fast forward button to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore. I guess I can take comfort in knowning that I am one day closer to that point than I was yesterday.

My Christmas Card

Lulu and I didn't get a chance to send out a Christmas card this year so I figured the next best thing would be to create this... enjoy a good laugh at our expense.

I couldn't resist so I made some more... bet you didn't realize how talented my Kitty was, huh?

Funk

Merry Christmas!

2011 Lessons Learned

1. Sometimes life isn't fair. It isn't always rainbows and butterflies and often doesn't have a giant red bow attached, but life is still a gift.

2. Sometimes it's ok to be selfish but it doesn't mean you have to be rude or inconsiderate. Knowing the difference has gotten me far in life.

3. I should never EVER apologize for how I feel, ever.

3. Making peace with my past is important so I wont continue to mess up my present and more importantly, my future.

4. Sometimes all I can really can do is breathe in and breathe out and knowing that this too, shall pass.

5. God gave me this life because He knew I was strong enough to endure it.

6. In the end, what matters the most is knowing that I love, and I am loved.

7. Time heals all wounds. But it's a process. I am learning to give time, time.

8. Crying with someone is a lot more healing than crying alone.

9. Being angry with God isn't a sin. He expects it and can handle it. He is a God that gives and also takes away. No need to question His will. His plans are way bigger and better than anything I had in mind anyway.

10. Envy is a waste of time. Comparing myself to others will get me no where. We all have different walks in life. I just need to focus on my own path and it will get me where I need to be.

11. If a relationship needs to be a secret than it isn't worth being in. As one of my good friends once said "Jess, you are ANYTHING but quiet."

12. Communication is key to any and all relationships.

13. God knew what he was doing when He chose my family.

14. True friends are a dime a dozen. I consider myself rich in my friendships.

15. Learning patience isn't punishment.

16. It's never too late to be the person I was always meant to be.

17. My intuition is usually always right.

18. I need to listen to my head and gut more than my heart. My heart tends to get me in trouble.

19. There is always 3 sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the truth. The truth always finds it's way out eventually.

20. Never settle. The best isn't too good for me.

21. Anything worth having in life is worth fighting for.

22. I have to believe to receive.

23. A lot of things in life I can't control BUT I can control how I react.

24. Things can change in a blink of an eye but a comforting truth is knowing that God never blinks.

25. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that matters. I will never lose Hope.

Christmas Favorites

It's hard to believe that Christmas Eve is 10 days away. As cliche as it sounds, each year seems to go by faster than the one before. I thought I would take a moment and share with you some of my favorite Christmas memories, traditions, and also songs.

I believed in Santa until I was about 8 years old. He still comes and visits each year though as I am still a good girl. :)

My Mom and I take a weekend each December and make cookies together. Well, she bakes, I sit back and watch and taste test for her. It works out well.

Christmas Eve is spent up at my Grandma's in Pine City with my Mom's side of the family. We typically spend the day grazing on munchie foods, playing cards, watching TV, and just annoying I mean enjoying each others company. We have an actual sit down meal for dinner which consists of Swedish Meatballs, mashed potatoes, rolls, veggies, and of course, dessert. I wouldn't want my Christmas Eve meal to be any other way.

Christmas Day is spent with my Dad's side of the family. Breakfast in the morning, presents, late lunch/dinner in the afternoon. Basically eating, eating, and more eating.

One of my favorite Christmas memories was back in 1995. My parents had us believe that Christmas was going to be smaller that year meaning no real presents, no Christmas Tree, just a nice meal as a family together. My brother and I were 13 and 9 years old. Hearing that there wasn't going to be a true Christmas was heartbreaking, but we both took it like champs. A week after Christmas, my parents ended up surprising us both with a trip to Disney at 4am. My mom created a book and recorded a little poem as we read through it. At the end of the book there were tickets to Disney and our flight was leaving in 3 hours. This was all recorded on video as well. As you can imagine... my brother and I were ecstatic. I remember taking a shower that morning and was shaking with excitement. It was the first real and also last vacation my family took together before my parents split up and eventually divorced. A very bittersweet memory but a Christmas memory I will never forget.

Tradition is important to me and my family. Tradition = making memories and I plan on carrying on these family traditions along with creating some of my own when I do get married and start having a family of my own. My heart smiles just thinking about those possibilities.

Now I leave you with 2 of my favorite Christmas Songs and of course, a clip from Buddy the Elf. The greatest Christmas movie, ever.

Someday, I would love to spend Christmas in Hawaii! That would be a very Mele Kalikimaka time! P.S. I love Bing Crosby.



I saw this movie for the first time last year. I know, where have I been? It instantly became a Christmas favorite... that, and Love Actually and of course, Christmas Vacation.



My absolute favorite Christmas Hymn is O Holy Night. I think Carrie Underwood sings a pretty good version of it. I always get goosebumps when I hear

"Fall on your knees!
Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine,
O night when Christ was born"



Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Unplug

"Jess, why did you defriend me?" Haha... I just have to laugh. I didn't defriend anyone, I just decided to unplug from Social Media for awhile, perhaps forever. Both Facebook and Twitter accounts have been closed and you know what... I don't miss it. I only have my Blog and Google + (Not quite sure what to think about the Google+ yet. Not many people are in my "Circles" and I'm ok with that.)

We live in a world where technology can be a blessing but also a burden. It can bring people together but on the flip side, it can and does tear people apart. I have experienced this first hand in my most recent relationship and break up. The Internet brought us together through a dating site and the Internet is the catalyst that tore us apart via Twitter no less. An innocent, heart felt, sincere "Tweet" turned into a month long silent battle. We were fighting yet no words were exchanged, only silence which quite possibly is worse than no words at all. Communication is key to any relationship yet we live in a world where no one is truly communicating anymore. Emails have replaced real letters. Texts have replaced phone calls. Tweets and impersonal messages on "Walls" have replaced true connections with people we truly care about. What ever happened to actual, face to face contact and communication? I can not tell you how many times I have been out with friends or on a date no less where the distraction of ones phone has interrupted a conversation. Apparently checking in on Facebook, or sending a Tweet or Text is more important than checking in with a friend, family member, or date. Nobody is "Present" anymore.

I decided to unplug from Social Media because I didn't like who I was becoming. I too was sucked into its vortex and at one point WAS that person who felt it necessary to check Facebook and update my status, or Tweet, or Text while out with a friend or loved one. I was also finding myself while "Catching up" on friends pages that I would become jealous of their lives. Babies, rings, and other little things prompted me to start to compare my life with theirs. It wasn't healthy. Then, dealing with a break up, that news travels fast and I didn't want my NEWS to be spread all over the Internet. Though people mean well and want to be supportive, I didn't want hurtful words to be said and then be seen by the one who I still care about.

So that is the reason behind my unplugging from Social Media. Maybe I will be back, maybe not. Right now I plan on focusing my energy on truly reconnecting with my friends, family and ones I care about the most. No better time than now.

2011 Reflections

2011 is coming to a close. Another year, another chapter I'm a happy to close while still eagerly hopeful for good things to come in 2012. I thought it would be a good time to reflect back on the 2011 "Things to work on" list and see how I did.

1. Being nicer to myself: I would have to say, I have made tremendous strides in this area. As someone who has always struggled with not feeling good enough, smart enough, capable enough, I have proven to myself that I can and do get through anything life throws at me. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. People, even acquaintances have made comments on how self aware I am and also how aware I am of others around me. A quality that a lot of people apparently lack? Yes, I am very self aware. I lead my life with my heart and though sometimes it gets me in trouble, and often hurt, I still remain hopeful. I don't give up. I keep pushing forward. I'm learning that even though things don't always pan out the way I hoped for, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. I am Jessica. I am a beautiful person inside and out and anyone who doesn't realize, appreciate or respect that fact, isn't worth having in my life. The 5 years ago Jess wouldn't have been able to say these things. That my friends, is called growth.

2. Learning the power of "No.": The biggest life changing decision I have made thus far was deciding to let my Condo go. It was a decision I did not take lightly. For a long time I felt like a failure. I felt like a deadbeat homeowner who was just walking away from her responsibilities. Looking back, as painful and heart breaking of a decision that was, I took ownership for myself, my life, and my safety. I told the bank, and also the world "No!" I was not going to tolerate living in a home where I did not feel safe. I also learned the power of the word "No" in many of my relationships with friends, co-workers, and even romantic relationships. Being a total people pleaser, this was and has been an incredibly difficult growing pain for me to endure but one that is necessary for me to grow, and move on in life. I have learned that I do not need to bear the weight of constant sacrifice, compromise and most importantly settling for less than I deserve. Saying "No! This is not ok," is really telling myself "Yes, Jess... you really ARE worth so much more." I am learning to love and respect myself more. This is huge progress for me. I am proud of myself for realizing this. I came across the quote a few weeks ago. "It takes 20 seconds of courage and I promise you, something good will come out of it." Very true. So very very true.

3. Taking a Vacation: Well, I did it! I managed to take a mini vacation to Miami in May! It was much needed and long overdue. I look forward to taking another vacation hopefully next year as well. I find that actually leaving the state is necessary and therapeutic. Sometimes its nice just to escape your reality and absorb a new world for a brief moment. I hope to visit Miami again, soon.

4. Not working as much: Yes, I still work full time, part time, and pet sit on the side. Looking back on the past year and how much I was working outside of my full time job, those days have dropped dramatically. Again, learning the power of "No" when people ask me to pet sit or work their shift. Sometimes it was hard for me to do, because I was think "Oh, the money would be so nice to have." But then, realizing that "No, making memories with those who I truly love and care for is more important." You can't put a price on that.

5. Looking forward, not back: I still struggle with this. I have a hard time letting go. I still will play mind games with myself saying "If only I wouldn't have done this, or said this, or done that... things would be different." Truth is, life happens and you can't change it. Good or bad, God has a plan and He allows things to happen for a reason. Why should I carry around the worry or guilt if things don't go as planned or that you wished for a better outcome? My prayers lately are all about letting go, and letting God. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. As humans, we want to be in control. Realizing that I can't control a lot of what life throws at me is the first step, but also realizing I CAN control how I react and move forward is freeing. My only hope right now is that God will continue to work on my heart and that I will learn to trust on Him for EVERYTHING. I have said this before and will say it again, God has a way of breaking you down so He can rebuild. His mercies are never ending. Thank Goodness that each day is a new beginning. A blank slate. Oh, how I'm thankful for that.

So there you have it. My reflections of 2011. I think I did pretty good. I have a lot to be thankful for. God is good, all the time.

2 sides

My Dad is a Hockey referee. He's been reffing since he was a young kid and has managed to work his way up. He is in charge of the Hockey Association he is in and still officiates on a regular basis. He enjoys it. He craves it. He is good at it. I am proud of him and his accomplishments.

An unfortunate incident happened over the weekend where he had to intefere with an altercation between players. One of the players ended up falling and hitting his head supposedly causing a concussion. What was failed to be revealed is the player already had a concussion before this incident. My Dad is now being accused of assault and also causing the concussion. Ironically enough, one of the players on the has a parent who works for a Local News Station and snatched up the opportunity to have their 15 minutes of fame to tell THEIR diluted and skewed version of the truth. As you can imagine, this has caused insane ammounts of stress for my Dad. I found out about everything last night and everything went viral on the 10pm News. In effort to protect myself and also my Dad, I am not posting a link to the story.

Thoughts and prayers are much appreciated for my Dad right now. Though my relationship with him has been strained for years, I still love and care for him. It hurts me to see him hurt. He is my family and when a family member is being attacked, I want to and WILL protect them. He's a good guy, a good ref and is being crucified for doing his job. The News Station only told ONE side of the story. They did not have ALL of the facts. Shame on them for being crooked to "SELL" their news. My only hope is this will blow over in a few days. Besides, the world has much bigger things to worry about, like Kim Kardashian's Divorce. Please take a lesson in this... there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS 2 sides to every story. Always.

In Between

"You're tough, Jess." Sure, that is a fair statement. I've been through a lot in my 29 years of life. Some good, some bad and a lot of in between. The past several weeks I've been exceptionally aware of my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. I'm trying hard to smile but why fake something you just don't feel. Truth is, I'm hurting. Sometimes when people ask how I am doing, and I politely say "I'm ok" I secretly wish they would just hug me and say "No, you're not ok."

I've tried my best to keep busy. I'm surrounding myself with positive people, focusing my energy on constructive activities, and channeling my frustration with exercise. But at the end of the day, I am only alone with myself and my thoughts and sometimes they get the best of me.

My Mom sent me this quote the other day.

The will of God will never take you
where the Grace of God
will not protect you."

Trying to see the comfort in those words. Trying so hard to trust that God has a plan and purpose to turn this pain and hurt into something beautiful but still I just wait.

As I was blog hopping today, I came across these words:

"I'm not going to quit on
myself. The pain means I am getting
to where I want to be."

Though our pains are very different...She is referring to a training program, and I am trying to train and put back together my heart... the words were still powerful and meaningful none the less.

Instead of being "Tough" and "Strong" and "Better than this," I am going to allow myself to not fake being "Ok." I truly hate this in between feeling but I look forward to being able to smile again, and actually mean it.

Friday Laughter

I think Target needs to evaluate their Black Friday Doorbuster items for next year? This is some much needed laughter. Happy Friday!

Silent Treatment

The last few weeks have been incredibly hard.I spent all of last week willing my phone to ring or a message to pop through from him, but nothing. Thanksgiving came and I thought to myself, I will make the first move, send him a message to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, only to check my phone every 20 minutes, with nothing. I tried my best to keep myself busy throughout the weekend but still staring at my phone wishing that green flashing light would start to flicker, but nothing. No answer, was my answer and I wasn't going to accept it. I began to assume the absolute worst in everything and dug myself into a deep, deep hole of tears, loneliness, and sadness.

I don't do well with the silent treatment. I'm a communicator. Whenever there is conflict, I want to talk it out and resolve immediately. It's hard for me to give people their space but I also understand that sometimes it is needed. But a whole week when I am so use to talking everyday? I was not ok. It was a hard pill to swallow and I couldn't help but take it personally that I did or said something wrong, even though I know I only expressed how I was feeling and like HE said to me several weeks ago, "You should never apologize for how you feel."

I'm trying so hard to see the good in this situation. I'm trying to see that that there is a reason this is all happening but the selfish, angry, hurt, and confused part of me just wants to have a pity party and scream "Why is this happening AGAIN??!!" Do you ever feel that sometimes God is giving you the silent treatment? That's how I have been feeling for awhile but then I realized that maybe I was giving Him the silent treatment. It was an heart opening experience. I was humbled.

I ended up going to Church on Sunday night. It was the first time in a long time that I had stepped foot into God's House. I felt ashamed, unworthy, and completely out of place. I know that being there was exactly where I needed to be at that moment. The worship songs, prayers, scripture, and sermon were all things I needed to hear. Funny how that works out. This scripture really stuck out at me and I have been repeating it often:

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:22

I can't explain why but I left Church feeling at peace. I felt that He was in control and He will take care of me and the situation I am now, and always. I fell asleep that night and slept soundly which hadn't been the case for the past week or so. I woke up feeling refreshed and confident that the day was going to bring good things.

I ended up sending another message to P asking if we could please find some time to discuss our situation. I wasn't expecting a response as my mind was programmed to believe that I was never going to hear from him again. To my great surprise, he did respond. His words were simple and even expressed how unhappy he had been knowing how things were left between us and agreed that we should meet and talk things out in person. We are planning to meet tomorrow. I'm anxious to see him, and extremely nervous. My heart is saying "Just hug him, kiss him, and forget that anything ever happened" but my head is saying "You need to truly tell him how you feel, what you need, what you deserve." It's a battle between 2 Jessica's. In the past, my heart has always been the judge, but in the case I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone and use my head. If things are meant to be then my head and heart will coincide with one another and it will be.

Thankful Thursdays (On Wednesday)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I can't believe it. This month (year) has flown by. Since tomorrow I will be away from the blog world, I decided to post my last November Thankful Thursdays post today.

1. I am thankful for my heart. Though it is too big for its own good and it may be broken, it is still beating and soon the pieces will be put back together and I'll be stronger, wiser, and better than ever!

2. I am thankful for heat. Last week it became winter, fast. Temps dropping from 50's to teens is a hard adjustment. I'm lucky to be able to go home to a warm house.

3. I am thankful for food. There are so many people out there that are hungry. The fact that I get to go home to cupboards and a fridge that is filled with food makes me feel truly lucky and blessed.

4. I'm thankful for Scripture. God has been placing verses into my brain and my eyes and ears are open again to His truth. Jeremiah 29:11... holding onto that truth today.

5. I'm thankful for my Mama. She has been a true support to me not only the past few weeks but for the past 29 years. The older you get, the more you realize how much your parents sacrificed for you back then, and still today.

6. I'm thankful YOU... yes YOU... reading this right now. I blog because I like to write. I write because it feels like therapy to me. So many thoughts, so many feelings and I am able to truly express them all here, in my safe place. Thank you.

7. I'm thankful for laughter. It heals the soul.

8. I'm thankful for genuine kindness from strangers. A sincere smile, just because truly makes my day. Try it sometime, it feels good.

9. I'm thankful for vacation and personal days off. Sometimes you just need a day to rest, be lazy, or be productive! I plan on taking Friday and being... lazy.

10. Most of all, I am thankful that people are thankful for me. I am so loved, wanted, needed, cherished, and adored by the ones who truly love and care for me. How lucky and blessed am I?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Count your blessings! Even the small ones. We all have something to be thankful for, even on our worst days. Cheers!

Truth

1 Corinthians 13
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

We've all heard this verse MANY times. Besides John 3:16, 1 Corinthians 13 Love verse is probably the most popular verse in the Bible. Have you ever really truly read the words though on what LOVE is?? Truly reading every, single, word? This verse has been replaying in my mind the past few days as I am trying to digest everything that is happening in my own "Love" life. I know God placed this verse in my head for a reason. I know that God is trying to tell me to focus on what TRUE LOVE really is. It's like a ton of bricks hitting my soul.

Ok, I get it God. Can you please take these broken pieces and super glue them back together? Yours Truly, Jess

Hop, skip, and a jump

Things are falling apart. If I wanted to be completely honest with myself, it's been a long time coming. I just kept pushing the reality of things aside in hopes that it was a just a dream. I kept saying "It's ok, I understand, I'll be patient and understanding and keep settling for less than I deserve because I'm selfless and have hope that if I am patient enough, It will all work out." I look like an idiot and more important... I look pathetic. My heart may be too big for it's own good but sticking around and waiting this shitstorm out in hopes that MAYBE things will work out is pathetic. I tolerate ill treatment because I don't think I deserve anything better as it is all I've ever been use too. Every time, every single freaking time I hear the same excuse "I can't give you what you need." "It's not you, it's me." 10 years of dating and it's always the same lines. Always the same excuses. Always the same broken heart.

We haven't officially ended things as I'm a lady and I don't break up via text or over the phone, but I know deep inside we are a hop, skip and a jump away from pulling the plug. He said he needs to "Evaluate" things which is code for I'm delaying the inevitable. I can't be mad at him though. His plate is full and clearly he wasn't ready for a relationship. But I can be hurt which is exactly how I feel. He knew very well what he was getting into and more importantly, what he was bringing me into. I made the decision to stick it out and quite honestly, I lasted a lot longer than most people would've tolerated.

I've leaned on several friends for comfort and support and they all say the same thing "You are better than this shit.... you are worth so much more... he doesn't realize what he is letting go." Why is it so hard for me to listen to their words when everything in my heart and mind is screaming "Why is this happening AGAIN!!???!!" I'm so fed up. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm so sick of being disposable. I'm so sick of this routine. I guess I take comfort in knowing that despite all of the heart break and tears, my heart still beats. My heart still feels and I will at some point muster up enough courage to try again. You would think that I would be a pro at getting over a broken heart by now, but the truth is, it doesn't get any easier.

Like any good hopeless romantic going through a difficult time in a relationship, they watch The Notebook because 1. It is the perfect love story and 2. we all secretly hope our lives and love stories were like that and 3. we like to torture ourselves. What can I say, I'm an emotional cutter. I balled like a baby during this scene as that is exactly how I feel, right now.

Someone Like You part 2

I love Adele. Like, really LOVE. This is by far my favorite song by her. Typically I am not a fan of songs being re-made from their originality, however the 2 below really blew me away. Goosebumps, even a tear... WOW.



I wish I could sing.

Thankful Thursdays

1. I am thankful for "Me" time. Baths, reading a book, going for a walks etc...

2. I am thankful for my work family... they truly are the reason I come to work everyday.

3. I am thankful for my OB-GYN. Weird, I know... but I just love her. Had my yearly on Monday and besides taking care of business, it was an hour long therapy session on how life is going. I've never had a Doctor truly care so much.

4. I am thankful for my Grandma Marcie... I have talked about her before. She is my heart, my rock, my everything. Was able to visit with her last weekend. Wish I could do it more, but absolutely treasure the time we do have together.

5. I am thankful for the beautiful sunsets/sunrises we have been having. One positive thing about this time of year is the sun is at such a beautiful angle that is provides absolutely breath taking sunrises and sunsets.

6. I am thankful for my side pet sitting business gig. I can't believe I've been doing it for 6 years already! It provides me with some extra cash, and also I am able to indulge in my absolute passion which is animals.

7. I am thankful for Sharpies. It makes writing my to-do lists at work so much more enjoyable... and then using the RED sharpie to mark everything off. EEeeee. I am a geek.

8. I am thankful for my underground parking at my apartment! I love getting into a semi warm car in the morning!

9. I am thankful for my memory box. It is filled with pictures, cards, letters from friends and family. Whenever I am feeling down, I will look through those things and instantly smile, sometimes cry, but mostly feel happy as I realize how truly lucky and blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life.

10. I am thankful that I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thankful Thursdays

1. I am thankful for a warm bed to sleep in at night. I so didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I was perfectly content in my self made fuzzy blanket nest.

2. I am thankful for comfy's aka fleece pants and sweatshirts. Tis the Season, right?!

3. I am thankful for human emotion. The fact that I "feel" is a beautiful thing.

4. I am thankful for memories. They are mental pictures that can never be taken away.

5. I am thankful for Music. Whether you are happy or sad. Mad or glad. In love or in hate... music has a way of speaking to your soul.

6. I am thankful for new beginnings. Sometimes it takes a step backwards in order to take a step forward.

7. I am thankful for my kitty, Lulu. She's a brat 98% of the time but life would be awfully lonely without her.

8. I am thankful for my bloggie friends. The fact that you choose to read my blog, makes me smile. The fact that you care enough to comment, send your thoughts of support etc... means the world. You are all a blessing without even realizing it.

9. I am thankful for Pedicures. Every girl loves pretty toes!

10. I am thankful that I am right where I need to be, right now, in this moment. Everything is happening for a reason. Good or bad... there is purpose in everything.

The Icks

Something feels off. Perhaps it stems from an uncomfortable conversation I had last night but today, I still feel icky inside. Normally I would automatically freak out and assume the worst in things, but this time I am surprisingly calm. Still worried, but calm.

I'm still trying to process what was said last night. Though I am glad feelings were expressed, I'm still left unsure and confused by where it all came from as in my mind, things were good... no they were great. Assuming we were on the same page was my fault. I didn't want to be that girl that was constantly asking him "Are we good, are we on the same page, are you happy?!" I was letting things happen the way they were suppose to and to my surprise, (or at least I thought) thats exactly what was happening.

The whole situation is just icky. It's complicated. His plate is full and then some. Trying to juggle being a new dad, a job, a house, his family, Mama Drama, and then Me. I can't even imagine. The last thing I want to be in his life is someone he has to check off his "To Do" list. I don't want to be a burden, I want to be a blessing. But after last nights conversation, I can't help but feel like I am being a burden. This hurts my heart, a lot as like I said... I thought things were going well.

I feel stuck. I want things to continue on but it takes 2 people who want things to continue, not just one. He did express that he cares for me and that I mean a lot to him but at this point, he can't give more than he has been and isn't sure if and when he will be able to give more. Is this a test? Am I just to be patient, give him his space to figure stuff out? Or do I cut my losses? I'm not a quitter until I have exhausted every possible solution. I'm strong, I have been through far worse in my life than this but what do I do? What would you do?

I have laid out all of my cards, perhaps a little too soon. But with matters of the heart, I have always thought it best to say what you feel in the moment as we are never promised tomorrow.

My heart hurts. I don't like this icky feeling especially since we had such an amazing weekend. I wish I had a magic crystal ball where I could see what the future holds. I came across this quote the other day and I have been repeating it often:

"God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will."

That's where I am today. I have surrendered it to God and will continue to trust that He will take care of it for me no matter what the outcome will be.

Making Memories

I had been looking forward to this weekend for such a long time. P and I had our first "Minication" together. We went up to Brainerd and stayed here. It was beautiful, romantic, and such a great weekend for just the 2 of us to be together.

We headed up early Saturday morning and got to Brainerd around 11am. We stopped at Mernards (because where else would you stop when you are on a romantic weekend away?!) and then headed into Nisswa and did a little more shopping. We hit up the book store where P picked up 2 books for his little girl. I gotta admit, seeing P pick out books for his daughter because he was thinking about her and most likely missing her, made my heart melt to mush, even more than it already is! After the book store, we visited the Candy store where we acted like we were kids again. 1 lb of candy later, we headed to the resort where we were able to check into our room early and what a room it was! Beautiful vaulted ceilings, a fireplace, jacuzzi tub, and a HUGE king size bed. We spent a majority of our time just lounging, watching tv, cuddling, and sneaking a few kisses in here and there. I wanted so badly for time to stop as I knew our weekend would be over soon.

Saturday late afternoon, we headed back into Brainerd and had dinner. We did some more bopping around Downtown Brainerd, stopped at Target, stopped at a Liquor store and headed back to our room. Did some lounging, drank some wine, had some snacky foods, relaxed in our tub and just enjoyed each others company. Sunday morning came too soon, even with the extra hour of sleep. Before I knew it, we were packing up our stuff and checking out. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to get in that car and drive home. I wasn't ready to be back in reality again. I wanted to bottle the past 24 hours up and just keep hitting repeat.

The next few weeks are going to be tough for us. He's going to be busy with family visiting, work, and misc life stuff. We aren't going to be seeing a lot of each other, but thats ok. Distance makes your heart grow fonder. The time spent away just makes you realize how much you miss that other person and makes the time you do spend together that more special.

We had a great weekend and even discussed the possibility of doing it again, and soon. Yay! P is simply the best. I am so happy that he is a part of my life.

Thankful Thursdays

It's November?! Sweet Geezus!!! Where the heck has the last 11 months gone?? Sigh. Since November is the month of Thanksgiving, I thought I would take each Thursday this month to blog about the things I am thankful for. I figured a good ol' 10 reasons list for each week would suffice. It will be a good chance for me to reflect on how truly blessed I am.

1. I am SO thankful that my Condo stuff is FINALLY over! Approximately a year ago this time, I had made the decision to let my Condo go. What a year it has been. Such an exhausting process, but I am SO thankful it is over with. I am stronger, wiser, and better off now then I was back then.

2. I am thankful for the ability to provide and take care of myself. Even though my hearts desire is to fall in love, be married, and have a family... there is something to be said for the fact that I can and I am able to take full care of myself and my needs. Pretty proud of myself! Go me!


3. I am thankful for my health and well being. For the most part, I am healthy. I need to lose a few (a lot) of pounds but... (knock on wood)... I have my health and will commit myself to being healthier.

4. I am thankful for this BEAUTIFUL fall we have had thus far. Anyone who knows me, knows that I dread the winter. The fact that we have made it to November with NO SNOW, makes me SOOOOO happy. I am also in love with the beautiful fall colors that I am surrounded by. Somedays, they literally distract me as I drive by them. So pretty.

5. I am thankful for my Honey P and his sweet little O. I am so happy that our paths crossed! They both mean so much to me and I am excited to see where things will lead.

6. I am thankful for my friends. They love and accept me as I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. They are there for me no matter what. And the fact they CHOOSE me to be their friend means the world.

7. I am thankful for my family. Unlike friends, God CHOSE me for them. Hahaha. We put the fun in dysfunctional sometimes, but I love them, unconditionally, none the less.

8. I am thankful for my job. It's been a struggle the last few months. Definitely going through some growing pains, but I am thankful I have a job as so many people out there do not.

9. I am thankful for love, laughter and everything in between. I've learned so much about myself in the last 5 years and truly feel I have grown into myself. I'm discovering who I am and starting to realize that I am pretty great, just the way I am. It's a beautiful feeling. One I've been longing to feel for quite some time.

10. I am thankful for new beginnings. Sometimes we all just need to reboot, and start over. That is what this year has been to me. I'm hopeful for what is to come.

I love you, I mean like you, I mean love you.

I did something stupid the other night and I'm still feeling rather embarrassed and shocked about the whole thing.

I spent a majority of last Saturday and all of Sunday with P. If I haven't already mentioned, P is pretty amazing and the more time I am spending with him, the more I am starting to fall for him. For whatever reason I wont allow myself to fall too much though, for obvious fears.

On Monday after work, he called me and I could tell he was upset.I suggested I come down and cheer him up and he insisted that wasn't necessary however I won and went down to cheered him up anyway. We had dinner, watched some tv, I decided I was going to stay the night and get up early to head home. We were cuddling before we fell asleep and I asked him "How much do you like me?" he responded "This much" as he was giving me a big hug. I responded "Awww, I LOVE you this much too." Shit... did I just tell him I loved him??!! He didn't say anything except squeeze me a little more. I tensed up, weaseled my way out of his arms, got up and walked out of his room. I totally freaked out and decided I needed to go home. As I was about to leave I apologized... APOLOGIZED for telling him I loved him. What the heck was I thinking??!!! He said I was being ridiculous and that I shouldn't be sorry for how I feel. He hugged and kissed me goodbye and told me that he truly cares about me, a lot, that I have nothing to worry about.

I was about 5 minutes away from his place and called him. I ended up turning around and going back to his place to talk to him about things. I realized I was being silly and that it almost seemed like I was running away from my feelings. The truth is, I do love him and that scares me. This whole situation scares me because there is so much that is unknown. We had a good talk about things and I openly admitted that I do love him and I do love his daughter. He said that he's known for awhile that I love him (which was news to me because I thought I hid it well... silly me though, I do wear my heart on my sleeve 99% of the time. I'm a horrible actor.)

I was terrified that by me unintentionally telling him I loved him so early on, that it would scare him off. However, since then, it has had the exact opposite affect. Things are normal, in fact getting easier and better. I have never been able to be 100% me in any relationship. P accepts me as I am, and flat out told me that he NEVER wants me to feel sorry for the way I feel, ever. Period. The fact that he witnessed me being weak and forgives me and accepts me and my flaws, I can't help but love him even more.

I'm learning to let go of my fears and embrace where I am right now. P has taught me so much about myself in the last 3 1/2 months. He brings out the best in me and allows me to be vulnerable and for once, it's not scary as it has been in the past. The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing. I am learning live for today and take things as they come. It's amazing what can happen when you don't force things and just allow it to be what it's meant to be. I couldn't be happier about things. I feel lucky and blessed and extremely hopeful of what is to come.

Ex Files

Do you have an Ex that just wont go away, no matter how much you try to cut them out of your life? I'm lucky enough to have one and yesterday I found out some disgusting news. But to bring you up to speed in case you dont know what I am talking about... catch up here and here

I heard from him again yesterday afternoon except for this time this is what he had to tell me:

"I just wanted to let you know in case you find out on Facebook that I got married last weekend."

My first thoughts were... no way. All he did when we were together was lie, he couldn't possibly be telling the truth. But... I did some creeping I mean "Research" and sure enough, he DID get married. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I could honestly care 2 sh**s about him, but what really got me upset was the fact that he was trying to get me upset. He was trying to hurt me again because apparently he didn't hurt me enough last year. My mind was flooded with all sorts of emotions. The only way I could release was through tears.

What disturbs me more than anything is the last time I heard from him was back in July (right around the time I met P). He sent a text that said

"I just was thinking about you, missing you, hope you are well."

Come to find out, he was engaged at that time. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE??? I don't get it. I don't understand. I know I shouldn't care, but it angers me that he still is trying to hurt me even after a year has passed.

P called me on my way home from work last night and he could tell something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him what had happened in fear that he may think I still have feelings for the ex. He managed to get it out of me and like a little girl, I cried to him on the phone. We weren't planning on seeing each other last night, but he quickly decided that he was going to come up to see me and cheer me up. By the time he arrived at my place, I had settled down, but was still pretty emotionally drained. We went out to dinner and talked about things again. He assured me that my reaction and feelings were valid, normal, and completely human. He also said (In the most loving way he could)

"Jess, you are so much better than this sh**... don't let him win.Let it go. You are way better off and way happier now."

He was right. He IS right.

My past is in the past and it will stay there, forever. I am hopeful for my future and what is in store. And more than anything, I am so happy with my present. Break downs need to happen so you can re-build. I was broken down yesterday but thankfully, P was there to build me back up. God bless his heart.

Super Bass

I love Ellen. Since I work 9-5 Monday-Friday, and can't afford Tevo... I like to watch some of her videos online. This little girl was on her show yesterday and she is AMAZING. I just want to hug her. Check out the videos below and I dare you not to be amazed, and also laugh at how sweet she is. The last video kinda got me teary eyed too. Imagine being 8, and meeting someone you admire. Sniff... so cute.

That's All

I found my new favorite greeting cards last weekend while shopping. They can be found at That's All Greeting Cards. I was literally laughing out loud reading some of them. The whole point and purpose is for them to be in your face, a little rude, to the point. Here are some of my favorites.














Oh, and if you check out the website... the cards help support a good cause.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

Awhile back, I blogged about "Living to my FULL potential". Yesterday was an eye opening day for me and I realized that something needs to change. I was at work, sitting in a meeting with peers and HR talking about our jobs, and how things are going to be changing with how they "Review" talent and steps you can take in your Development to get you to the next step. I was physically present in that meeting, but I was mentally checked out and having my own conversation with myself. I was sitting there saying to myself "What are you doing with your life Jessica? Do you really see yourself working for Corporate America for the next 30-40 years?" I left that meeting feeling sick, and also nervous. I realized that I am not passionate about what I do for work, and what I am doing in life. I want to live a FULL and FULLFILLED life. I want to make a difference. I want to make an impact. I haven't a clue what this looks like, but feeling these feelings has to be the first step of many I will need to take to get me to where I want to be.

Later last night, the unfortunate news of Steve Jobs passing away was ALL over the news, Facebook, and Twitter. I am probably one of the only human beings on this planet that does not own a piece of Apple Technology, but I respect and admire his vision and found him to be one of the worlds best innovators of our time. As I was surfing Facebook and Twitter posts, I was finding a lot of quotes and videos of his life, and speeches he made. The below video is his 2005 Standford Commencement Speech and quite possibly one of the most impactful speeches I have heard in a long time. It is rather long (15 minutes) but if you have the time, I suggest you watch it. Steve Jobs made an impact on our world because he never gave up on his passion. Near the end of his speech he says "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish." Those are powerful words to live by. Starting today, I will remind myself to be those things. We only live this one life and we never know when that one life will be over. Life is short. Live your dream, share your passion.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown our your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs

I'm Ready.

You know you are an emotional girl when a commercial makes you get teary eyed. This one did the trick last night...



I made the decision a LONG time ago, that whenever my time came to become a Mom, I would document my pregnancy, their birth, first year of life, all through High School and would plan on giving them the journal I kept for them as a Graduation present. When Google came out with that commercial, it was almost like they read my mind. I've seen it a few times and smile, but last night I saw it again, and I was sad.

I went to my Mom's for dinner last night and was complaining to her how I didn't want to go to work the next day. In fact I don't want to go to work anymore, ever. I told her that what I really wanted was to be married, have babies and stay at home with them. At first she thought I was kidding, but in truth I was very serious. She did what any Mom would do. She just smiled, and said "Well, Jess... that's not even close to being an option for you right now so you just need to stick to Plan B which is taking care of yourself." Oh Booo, Mom.

I may or may have not mentioned in previous posts how much I desire to fall in love, get married, and have children. With each passing day, month, year that desire only burns deeper in my heart. I can feel it, I can taste it. I envision what it will be like. Trust me, it's not all rainbows and butterflies. There are plenty of thorns on those roses bushes, but to me... deep in my heart and soul, it is so worth it. I want it so badly. I'm ready. I'm SO ready. I was ready, yesterday.

I'm a Criminal

I managed to make it 14 years without being pulled over or getting a speeding ticket, until the morning of Friday, September 26th at 7:20am in Lakeville. I had spent the night at P's house and was on my way to work. I was merging onto 35 and one of the cars woudln't let me in, so I did what anyone else would do, speed up. I merged in and within 30 seconds I had flashing lights behind me. F.

Officer: "I clocked you going 81 in a 70. Are you aware the speed limit is 70 here?"

Me: "Yes, I'm sorry... I was trying to merge onto the interstate and the guy wouldn't let me in."

Officer: "You do realize the speed limit is 70, right ma'm."

Me: "I understand that, and I apologize. I was trying to merge into traffic."

Officer: "Everything current?"

Me: "Yes"

Officer: "Ok, I'll be back in a few minutes."

Me: Shit.

Officer: "Ok, here is your ticket.""

Me: "If you take a look at my record, you will see I have never been pulled over and no tickets, can this be waived?"

Officer: "I know, I saw that. That is why I am shocked you were speeding."

Me: "Please sir, I am a good driver with a clean record."

Officer: "You can go to court and fight it if you want. You were breaking the law and I was doing my job."

Whatever. It's was the end of the month. Ahole needed to make his quota.



Grrrr... so... I'm a criminal. My clean record is now tainted with a stupid speeding ticket for a stupid reason. I love how it says "Petty Misdemeanor." Yikes. I paid the stupid thing yesterday. $130 contribution to the great ol state of MN. Whatevs. Since the unfortunate incident, I drive like a Grandma.

Bangin' Bangs

Ever since I moved into my apartment in March, I have had an issue with my hair turning green due to the hard water mineral build up. Since then, I have spent (no joke) probably $500 on shampoo's, mineral removal treatments etc... It's beyond frustrating, especially since I truly love my pretty blonde hair. :( I was toying with the idea of coloring my hair darker to take away the green, or at least for it to not be as noticeable. I had an appointment yesterday afternoon, and I literally sat in that chair talking with my stylist for 45 minutes of whether or not I should do it. I had serious anxiety. My chest literally was hurting from the stress. Ridiculous, right? It's just hair. But... a girl's hair, is EVERYTHING. I've been blonde my ENTIRE life. It's who I am. The thought of being anything different terrified me.

My stylist talked me into staying blonde but putting in some low lights to alleviate the green affect from my water. I agreed to this idea. We proceeded to do a mineral removal treatment and as she was blow drying my hair, I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't go darker, even with low lights. It's just not who I am. So... she touched up my high lights and trimmed up my ends. As she was trimming, she fluffed my hair a bit in front of my face. I looked at myself and realized "Hmmm, could I pull off bangs?!" I looked at her and said "I think I want bangs!!" She smiled and said "Are you sure?" "Yup, let's do it!" I couldn't commit to going to the dark side of my hair life, but I could commit to having bangs.

Here's me with bangs! Like?


I like them. I think it gives me a fresh new look, but nothing TOO drastic like having brown hair would be. I feel sassy, cute, pretty. I was even able to show off my new look for the boy last night and he liked it. Win!

Now... what to do about the damn green hair problem?!! Any suggestions?? I've tried EVERYTHING!!!

Balance

I sometimes have to pinch myself because it doesn’t seem real. For once in my life, I am in a healthy relationship. I like him and he likes me. Seems to simple, right? With us, it is. We have our differences and even had our first little tiff last Saturday night, but we were able to discuss it and move on. No drama, just mutual respect and admiration. I ended up unintentionally spending most of last weekend with him. He had little miss with him most of that time too, so in other words… we played house. Might I also add that little miss quite possibly has the capability to melt my heart right out of my body with just one smile? Seriously. Oh, and I suppose P does too, but in a different way. I’m one lucky girl. Anyways…on Sunday night, I was playing with little miss on the floor and P says to me “Did you think 2 months ago you would be spending a Sunday night with your boyfriend and his 7 month old daughter.” I just smiled and said “No, not at all, but I’m glad I’m here.” I got a taste of what life COULD be like if things were to ever get to that point and I have to admit, I liked it… I liked it a lot.

I’ve reached a place in my life where everything seems balanced. Things are so balanced that they seem unbalanced. Even though the stress of my condo is gone, my new worry is what is next for me. I’m so happy right now, that I’m terrified. My biggest fear right now is my happiness. How ridiculous does that sound?!? I struggle with just living in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow. I wish I could just be present, now, today and enjoy what’s in front of me vs. stressing about things that haven’t even unfolded yet. Why must I always be expecting the other shoe to drop or for things to fall apart? Perhaps if I just enjoyed what I have been blessed with and live each moment, in the moment, more blessings would rain down on me? I need to somehow learn to NOT tip the balances in my life and just live wholly and completely for today. Any suggestions on how I can go about doing this bloggie friends?

Out with the OLD, in with the NEW

It’s over. It’s done. I am free, at last! I can finally close a chapter in my life for good.

I woke up yesterday morning and felt incredibly anxious, worried, stressed. I tossed and turned the majority of the night. Like most of my nights have been the past 9 months. I knew in the back of my mind, everything was going to be ok but the worrier in me kept playing the what if’s in my mind. I tried to just focus on breathing, smiling, being happy that it was almost over.

I met my realtor for Breakfast around mid morning and we headed to closing shortly after. We were early, naturally. I was always brought up to believe that early is on time and on time is late. I kept looking at my watch, my phone, the clock on the wall… “Is it 12 yet? Is it over?” Tick, tock, tick, tock. My closer was right on time and brought us back to get me signing my portion of the papers. She read to me every page and what the numbers meant etc… I remember listening to her and thinking in my back of my mind “I have no idea what this means, what I am signing, what is this??.” I feel so uneducated when it comes to owning a home, taxes, what the hell escrow means!! I willingly signed my life away, again except for this time I was divorcing my mortgage vs. marrying it. I was done within 10 minutes. Phew, that was easy… until I realized that my Buyer wasn’t there, yet.

I sat there and stared at my phone, my watch, the clock on the wall again. “Where is he? Is he not coming?? Why isn’t he here yet?” Around 12:20, my realtor received a call from the buyer. He was “Lost.” My blood began to boil. Finally after 45 minutes of waiting, he showed up. He walked in so nonchalant. Like it wasn’t a big deal he was 45 minutes. I wanted to scream at him, but refrained. I just smiled. He signed his papers and then informed the closer that he had a cashiers check and also a money order. For a moment, the closer wasn’t sure if the money order would be accepted. “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!!” I was thinking in my mind. I found this buyer to be so incredibly unprepared and scattered, but whatever. After about 10 minutes of trying to get a hold of someone to approve the money order or not, the final papers were signed, checks were handed over along with keys and I was done. Sigh.

I bought my Condo on April 27th, 2007 for $106,000. The final sale on August 24th, 2011 was $26,000. Makes you sick, doesn’t it? I left closing feeling free, but also I felt a huge sense of failure. I’m trying hard to believe that I didn’t fail at the American Dream but the American Dream failed me.

Today, I still feel anxious but I’m realizing that my mind and body are so use to feeling this way, that I need to re-train it to feel the new normal of not worrying. I have a new life, a new home, a new job, a new boy and I am just going to keep focusing on ALL OF THOSE GOOD THINGS. I’m blessed. I’m so blessed beyond belief. I am so much stronger and wiser because of this whole experience and for that I can’t be anything but thankful. God is good. All the time.

Favorite

“You’re my Favorite.”
“Favorite what?”
“Favorite Girl.”
“Does that mean I’m your girlfriend?”
“Yes, I think that does.”

Swoon.

Well, it’s official. The boy and I are boyfriend/girlfriend. But I suppose nothing is really officially official until your Facebook status is changed. That, unfortunately will need to change at a later date. Once the Mama Drama custody agreement is signed, official, legal and complete.

I’m happy. I’m so happy that I’m scared. With anything in life and love, you take risks and the biggest thing I am risking in this game of love is my heart. I still find myself very guarded whenever I’m with him. I’m slowly trying to push those walls down and just let things fall into place the way they are suppose too. He’s great. He makes me smile. Makes me laugh. He calls me beautiful and I truly believe him when he says those precious words. His kisses make my knees weak and his laughter warms my heart. I can’t wait to share more of our love story as it unfolds. :)

Light and the Tunnel

The past 9 months have been an roller coaster of emotions. Good news, followed by bad news followed by good news followed by more bad news. It’s been never ending. It’s like a bad pregnancy that just wont end. I’m beyond over due. My body is swollen with worry, regret, anger, stress, anxiety etc… it’s become increasingly more difficult to concentrate, sleep, relax, let alone just breathe. I am reaching the end of this long and painful journey. Closing is scheduled for next Wednesday at 12:30pm. As excited as I am that I have been given a date, I am still cautiously optimistic as until those papers are signed, keys handed over, transaction accepted and complete, I will not raise a glass in celebration.

The past 18 months have been rough, tough, and everything in between. Emotionally, I feel weak but mentally I am realizing how incredibly strong I really am. I have learned tremendous amounts of patience throughout everything, and just when I think I can’t bare to stand another minute of it all, I somehow find the strength to keep moving forward. I have learned to find hope in hopelessness, joy in negativity, happiness during times of sorrow and uncertainty. God has tested my trust in Him and I can honestly say I feel and have felt myself change, for the better, throughout this whole process. Though my thoughts and plans on how this SHOULD’VE turned out are different, His plans always outweigh my own.

It is with every faith and hope I have inside me, that this time next week, I will no longer be a homeowner. A bittersweet feeling but one I am happy to feel none the less. This chapter is ready to be shut, and my new, bright, positively filled future anxiously awaits me.

Life, Love, & MORE Pursuits of Happiness.

It's funny how when you let go of what you thought you wanted, you end up getting exactly what you need. Life has a way of working it's self out. Weird.

"I like you, Jessica. I like you A LOT." It's like a beautiful symphony to my ears and more importantly, my heart. He makes me blush. He makes me nervous, but in a good way. He makes me smile just a little bit brighter with just being himself. I like him, I like him A LOT, too.

I can't believe it's August. State Fair starts in 2 weeks which means Summer is over in approximately 3. Why do Summers go way too fast and Winters way too slow? Possible positive side affect of a long cold winter, is I MAY just have someone to cuddle up with. I'm dwelling in those possibilities.

The short sale has been approved, now just small logistical things need to be worked out before closing happens. I have until August 26th to close, otherwise I risk losing my buyer and also that damn F word (Foreclosure) is more of a reality. I desperately need this chapter to be closed. Quite honestly, I don't know how I am functioning. I'm beyond feeling anything but anger, resentment, fear when it is surrounding anything to do with my Condo. It needs to be done. Now. I have decided that once everything is over with, I will be throwing myself a "Freedom Festival" party. People have open houses to celebrate their new home... I'm having a party because I will be getting out of mine. Seems appropriate.

I'm heading up to the lake Thursday-Monday. I'm really looking forward to spending time AWAY from the hustle and bustle of the city for a few days. I'm hoping for good weather so I can enjoy time on the water, although sleeping in a hammock while reading a book sounds pretty magical too. I will eat, drink, and be merry no doubt. Hope to catch up on some sleep too. This summer has been rather restless.

I'm learning the power of the word "No" and it feels amazing. For so many years, I thought I needed to please everyone by always saying "Yes." I didn't want to disappoint, hurt, or upset anyone. Truth is, I was only disapointing, hurting and upseting myself. It's empowering. This year has a been a year of firsts for me. I'm standing up for myself more and I can literally feel myself become emotionally stronger. Funny how when you think you are weak, truth is, you are actually very strong. I am eager to see what the next few months and years will bring. I have a strong feeling that my late 20's and early 30's are going to be all things fabulous! Yay!

Show me your teeth

It's that time of year again. The time to set aside our differences and just sit down together and watch Shark Week. Yes, I'm super nerdy but I.LOVE.SHARK.WEEK. Unfortunately I don't have cable, so I am watching clips online here and there and stopping by my Mom's on occasion to watch shows On Demand. I don't know what it is about Sharks but I am absolutely fascinated by them. They instill in me fear and respect but at the same time I just want to touch them and swim with them. It's weird. I'm a huge nerd. I know you're jealous.

Happy Shark Week!

Just a kiss

Currently on repeat.

Ready For My Close Up

A few months ago, my friend Daphne took some pictures of me and they finally arrived last night. I think she did a great job capturing my personality. She has been passionate about photography for awhile now and I was happy to be one of her guinea pigs. Below are some of my favorites...

Good With The Bad and a Side of Hope.

I had a date on Friday and it was fantastic. Butterflies. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. I feel like I’m 16 again. I blush when I talk to him, and I get giddy when I see a text come through or a phone call. I’m trying so hard to be the cool, calm and collected Jess but deep down inside I am bursting with excitement. I’m focusing on staying in the moment. Enjoying TODAY and not worrying about what tomorrow will bring. He’s a great guy and I am excited to see what happens. TO BE CONTINUED…

In the midst of my lovey dovey state of mind, an unfortunate thing happened to me. Someone got a hold of my debit card numbers and attempted to spend $800 at a Pharmacy down in Brazil. This makes me incredibly sad. 1. That someone would steal from me. I feel so violated. 2. That they decided to spend the money on drugs. We live in a world where people don’t have to work, they can just steal. Steal money, steal identities, steal lives. Greed is an evil evil thing. I am not responsible for the fraudulent charges, but it will be a pain in the butt to get control of my finances again. 7-10 days until my new card arrives which is a big bummer seeing as I use my debit card EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I hate the fact that I need to use my credit card until then, especially since I have been working so hard to pay them off. Oh well, that’s life right? I am thankful that this was the only thing that happened. It could’ve been a lot worse still makes you lose some hope in humanity.

Things are still a stand still with my Condo. I stopped getting excited over anything because as soon as I did, something bad would happen. I feel so bad as my realtor (and also close friend) has been dealing not only the annoying bank but with me. I try so hard not to be crabby towards her but I’m sure it rubs off. I just want this whole situation to be completely behind me so I can move on with my life. There are so many great and wonderful things happening, this is the one thing that is holding me back. I want to slam this chapter closed and never look back. I guess I am one day closer to that point, but it still seems so far away. I’m ready to be at that closing table. I’m ready to hand over my keys. Patience is running thin. Please pray for some more or better yet, a resolution.

Started my job a few weeks ago, and I have been officially on my own with my new Boss as of yesterday. So far, it’s going pretty good. I’m not concerned about the actual job, I am more concerned and nervous about the relationship I have and will have with my new Boss. He’s a complete opposite of Susan. I know with time, it will get easier but for now, I will continue to tip toe around to ensure I don’t fall through the ice.

Despite continued stress that lingers around my world, I am beginning to feel my inner self smile again. I’ve had 3 sessions with my counselor and all of them have been great. I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m not that screwed up as I thought I was. If anything, I am very self aware and my feelings and emotions are valid. I’m learning to work through the difficult things and let them go, focus just on me, today, right now. It’s freeing. I’m in a good place, a new beginning in a lot of senses. It’s exciting and scary at the same time but most of all, it’s filled with hope. I will never lose hope in myself, in others, or in this world. We are all here for a reason and its our responsibility to make our lives the best lives they can be.

So Long, Farewell

My desk is packed up, cleaned, and ready for the "New Me." It's a bittersweet day. One chapter is closing and another one is opening. I'm excited for the new job but I am also anxious, scared, and nervous of what is to come. I'm keeping my insecurities at bay and keep reminding myself that I am good enough, smart enough, and capable enough.

A girl on my team baked some yummy cupcakes in honor of my last day. Vanilla with vanilla frosting. PERFECTION.


I feel loved. I feel like I made an impact and difference on my teams work life. They've been coming around all morning and giving me hugs and even getting a little teary eyed in their good byes. Makes me get teary eyed in return. (I swear, lately I can cry on cue)



The person I am going to miss the most is my Boss, Susan. She is the reason I don't want to leave. She is by far the BEST boss I have had in my working career. She wrote me an incredible thoughtful card which again, brought me to tears. I think it is safe to say that we will remain friends, and perhaps be even closer now that we are no longer working together. We share a Birthday, which means June 3rd is practically a Holiday. Heart her.



The following quote has been replaying in my mind a lot lately:

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

Now I leave you all with quite possibly the best musical moments in the history of Musical movies. Happy Friday, bloggie friends.

So Long, Farewell Scene from The Sound of Music Movie (1965) | MOVIECLIPS

Cheers!

My Promotion was officially announced at work yesterday. Since then, my inbox has been flooded with congratulations and well wishes. I can’t help but blush a bit when people say things like “Jess, I’m so happy and proud of you. You so deserve this.” You know what, I do!! I’m not going to feel bad or selfish in soaking up this good feeling or eating up the compliments. A gray cloud has been lingering around my world and I am gladly accepting this piece of positive and good news. I’m going to run with it and hope that it brings more good news. Wouldn’t it be nice to bottle feelings like this up and take them out on a rainy day? The saying is true:

“Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they are right.”

With the news of my promotion come a lot of bittersweet feelings with leaving my current team and most importantly, my boss. My boss is the reason I DON'T want to leave. We have become so close over the last 2 1/2 years. When she announced to my team that I was leaving, she even choked up a little bit which in turn, I did too. It's nice to know that you have made an impact on someone, so much so that they get emotional with the idea of you leaving. The good news is, I am still in the same department and in fact, only will be 4 rows down from her. We have already set up regular lunch dates and I have a feeling she will be down visiting me a lot, and vice versa. She is the BEST boss I have EVER had. Period. Her biggest worry is that she wont be able to find a compatible Admin Coordinator. Obviously, I'm irreplaceable... duh, but I am confident she will find a perfect fit.

Word has spread about my open position like rapid fire. There have been several people who have reached out to me to set up informationals (mini interview to learn more about my job etc...) I kind of feel like a celebrity. Never in my lifetime as anyone been so interested to be "Me." One of the girls I met with yesterday even said she was nervous to meet with me. I had to laugh. I like to believe that I am a very approachable person and not in the least bit intimidating so to hear that someone was nervous to meet with me came as a little bit of a shock. Guess I'm kind of a big deal. People KNOW me. Hahah. Couldn't resit quoting Anchorman!

I'm feeling good. I'm at a good place right now. This is the fuel to my fire that I needed so badly to keep going. I'm hopeful and confident that all of the other pieces I am trying to juggle will fall into place, soon. Cheers to ME and a new chapter of only good and happy things!

Dad

The morning I was born, it was a chilly. So much so that you could see your breath. It was the beginning of construction season and my Dad managed to hit every pot hole on his way to Hospital with my Mom. (My Mom didn't appreciate this so much). After only a few hours of labor, I was born. My Dad's expression pretty much says it all. He was proud. A healthy baby girl.

I was the first Grandchild on my Dad's side of the family and to say that I was spoiled was putting it lightly. I look back at pictures of when I was a baby and toddler and compare them to my cousins pictures and my pictures outweigh their pictures ten fold. What can I say... I was a big deal.

My parents were young when they had me (Mom was barely 20 and Dad was 22). They were High School sweethearts and were very much in love. Even though I wasn't planned, I was wanted. My parents sacrificed a lot for me and my brother. Looking back now, I realize just how much. Unfortunately my parents love for each other went away and they divorced when I was 14. I still can't believe that I am a child of a broken home. I feel like such a statistic, but as I am getting older, I am learning to accept this unfortunate situation and move on the best way I know how.

My relationship with my Dad has been strained since my parents split 14 years ago. Without going into too much detail, My Dad left our family and with him leaving, broke a lot of pieces of my already fragile heart. As silly as it sounds, I'm still healing from this traumatic event. I still need my Daddy in my life and it's hard to swallow the fact that my relationship with my Dad isn't the same as it was when I was little. I am learning to love and accept my Dad where he is at, just the way He is. After all, he loves and accepts me just the way I am, too. Though we are still a work in progress, I am so thankful to still have him in my life. He's a good man. Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you.

I kinda look like my Dad, huh?

New Leaf

Monday night I had a heart to heart with God and pretty much said “Enough is enough, I need some answers. I need some good news.” He heard me. Boy did He hear me.

Back story… before I left from Miami I did an informational interview with the Divisional Director of Product Design and Development. Basically in a nutshell, he’s a big deal in my department at work. His current admin is retiring in July and as soon as I heard this news, I knew I wanted to be considered. I met with him and had a very casual conversation about my background, schooling, experience etc… at the end of our time together I asked him when the position was going to be posted so I can apply. He said he wasn’t planning on posting the position and was going to make his decision purely based on his casual interviews and by recommendations. My first thought was “CRAP” but then I chilled out and said “Whatever will be, will be.” Well, this Wednesday my boss was acting kind of funny. She kept asking me “Anything new happening??” Since this isn’t an out of the ordinary question for her to ask me, I didn’t think anything of it, except for she was asking A LOT. Finally it was 4:30pm and I was getting ready to leave for the day and she asked again, “Anything new?” I looked at her and said “NO! Why, do you know something I don’t know??!” and she said “Yes!” I figured it out. Thursday morning I was offered the job!!!! It’s a promotion, a pay grade jump and a big bump in pay!! I will be supporting a team of 180 people!!!!!!! Going from a team of 15 to 180 is a BIG change. How do I feel?? I feel REALLY excited, but I am so REALLY nervous. I know I deserve this, I know I am more than capable to do this job but there is a part of me that is scared. Whenever there is huge change happening in my life, I doubt my abilities. My insecurities creep in and quickly start whispering lies to my brain. I am working overtime to keep them at bay and just bask in sunshine of finally having some good news to celebrate!! I deserve this, I am good enough, I am smart enough, I will do great. I am great. Rinse and repeat. :)

Now onto some MORE good news…. I have a new buyer who put in an offer last night AND my Bank is approving the Short Sale as long as I come to closing with $3100 cash (I was fearing I would need to come with more). There are still some logistics that need to be worked out but I have a good feeling that this is going to be ending soon. I’m so ready to close this chapter and start rebuilding my life (and my credit). For a long time I feel like there have been so many weights holding me back from truly living my life, my Condo being one of them. I’m almost there. The home stretch. I will power through and get to the other side. I can’t wait until I can look back and say “Damn…. Look what I went through, look what I did, and look how strong I am because of it!” I am not one to boast or be proud, but in this case I am proud of myself and will be even prouder once I reach the valley of peace and rebuilding.

A new leaf has been turned. I am soaking up the goodness and will focus only on how wonderful it feels to be here now not worrying about what tomorrow may bring. God is in control. He is the God that gives and takes away. Right now, He has heard my cries and I am so thankful for Him answering my prayers. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Always a Bridesmaid

I decided I needed a little pick me up and some laughter so I went and saw Bridesmaids last night. I laughed until I cried. By far the funniest movie I have seen in a long time. Definitely adding this one to my collection once it is out on DVD.



P.S. I LOVE Annie's hair (The main character-blonde) LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

Random Ramblings

The start of this week was rough. I was still feeling down, sad, zombie like. I was trying so hard to smile on the outside but the inside was breaking down and it was hard to keep it together a majority of the time. I had my first session on Monday afternoon with a new counselor. I always get a little nervous meeting a “Therapist” as I have had some bad experiences in the past. This experience was different. I walked in and the lights were dim. There were treats, coffee, water and a sea of smutty magazines on the coffee table. Call me crazy, but seeing the smutty magazines on the coffee table was a sign that I was right where I needed to be. I instantly felt relaxed. Overall, the first session went well or as well as any first session could go. I really appreciated the fact that she said right from the beginning “This is YOUR story, YOUR feelings, YOUR hurt, YOUR pain. I am not here to change YOU, only you can change you. I am here to help you process your story, your feelings, your hurt, and your pain.” More to come on this front.

On Sunday night I decided it was time to unplug for a bit from Facebook. I was finding myself being on it too much, and not to mention that there are several “Friends” that were just irritating the crap out of me. I was getting frustrated with these people with the things they would post, status updates etc… and then I would be getting frustrated with myself for allowing their actions affect my attitude. It was time for a break, detoxify from social media for awhile and just focus on me, my life, and getting to my “Happy Place” again. I did also end up watching The Social Network on Friday night and the whole beginning of Facebook left a sour taste in my mouth. Mark Zuckerberg was/is an Ahole and I don’t know if I want to be supporting his shaddy cause. If you don’t know what I am talking about, watch the movie.

I’m quickly learning that if you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed. My realtor emailed me this morning informing me that my NEW buyer is withdrawing their offer due to “Financing” reasons. I’m calling their bluff. Usually when you are looking at homes and put in an offer, you already have the pre-approval letter. I think they found a better place and just decided to withdraw. Nothing really surprises me anymore. Nothing shocks me. Maybe I’m just becoming stronger in dealing with this whole mess? Foreclosure is looking more and more like my only option. I received 2 Pre-Foreclosure notices a few weeks back, and unless I find a buyer ASAP, I may have no other option. It sucks. It hurts. I am so unbelievably angry at my bank for dragging their feet for 6 plus months but what can I do? I am a good person, trying to better myself and my life and I am stuck in a shitty situation. All I can do now is wait and pray for a miracle.