I love you, I mean like you, I mean love you.

I did something stupid the other night and I'm still feeling rather embarrassed and shocked about the whole thing.

I spent a majority of last Saturday and all of Sunday with P. If I haven't already mentioned, P is pretty amazing and the more time I am spending with him, the more I am starting to fall for him. For whatever reason I wont allow myself to fall too much though, for obvious fears.

On Monday after work, he called me and I could tell he was upset.I suggested I come down and cheer him up and he insisted that wasn't necessary however I won and went down to cheered him up anyway. We had dinner, watched some tv, I decided I was going to stay the night and get up early to head home. We were cuddling before we fell asleep and I asked him "How much do you like me?" he responded "This much" as he was giving me a big hug. I responded "Awww, I LOVE you this much too." Shit... did I just tell him I loved him??!! He didn't say anything except squeeze me a little more. I tensed up, weaseled my way out of his arms, got up and walked out of his room. I totally freaked out and decided I needed to go home. As I was about to leave I apologized... APOLOGIZED for telling him I loved him. What the heck was I thinking??!!! He said I was being ridiculous and that I shouldn't be sorry for how I feel. He hugged and kissed me goodbye and told me that he truly cares about me, a lot, that I have nothing to worry about.

I was about 5 minutes away from his place and called him. I ended up turning around and going back to his place to talk to him about things. I realized I was being silly and that it almost seemed like I was running away from my feelings. The truth is, I do love him and that scares me. This whole situation scares me because there is so much that is unknown. We had a good talk about things and I openly admitted that I do love him and I do love his daughter. He said that he's known for awhile that I love him (which was news to me because I thought I hid it well... silly me though, I do wear my heart on my sleeve 99% of the time. I'm a horrible actor.)

I was terrified that by me unintentionally telling him I loved him so early on, that it would scare him off. However, since then, it has had the exact opposite affect. Things are normal, in fact getting easier and better. I have never been able to be 100% me in any relationship. P accepts me as I am, and flat out told me that he NEVER wants me to feel sorry for the way I feel, ever. Period. The fact that he witnessed me being weak and forgives me and accepts me and my flaws, I can't help but love him even more.

I'm learning to let go of my fears and embrace where I am right now. P has taught me so much about myself in the last 3 1/2 months. He brings out the best in me and allows me to be vulnerable and for once, it's not scary as it has been in the past. The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing. I am learning live for today and take things as they come. It's amazing what can happen when you don't force things and just allow it to be what it's meant to be. I couldn't be happier about things. I feel lucky and blessed and extremely hopeful of what is to come.