Britney Love

Not sure why, but I have always been a Britney fan, even when she had her little melt down a few years back. The girl can't sing, live, but she sure can put on a show! I would know, I went and saw her 2 years ago on her Circus tour. One word: Amazing. I miss the old school Britney though... before her voice was over produced and auto tuned. Hit Me Baby One More Time was an instant hit, and still one of my favorite songs to rock out to in the car when on a road trip...



I will say, there was one live show she performed at where she totally killed it. This was Britney in her prime. The top of her game, and I still get goose bumps whenever I see it....



Femme Fatale came out today. Like any true fan, I bought the extended album with 4 bonus tracks. Overall I give the album a solid B-. 1/2 of the songs are great but then other 1/2 not so great. She's coming to the Xcel Center July 6th and you better believe I'll be going to see her again! Tickets are $96-$350 before taxes. Yikes. Birthday present??

Britney's back again bitches! Woot Woot!

Mixed up

It’s amazing to think how much one person’s life can change in a matter of 365 short days. A year ago today, I thought I had met my version of a fairytale. I dismissed the red flags and dove in heart first. I was truly blinded by “Love” and wanted so desperately for him to be the one, finally!! Looking back, I learned tremendous life lessons, but like any lessons of the heart, it comes at the cost of a lot of broken pieces. I know I made the right decision by letting him go, but I am still very torn on how I should feel emotionally about it. There are days when I feel sad and sorry for him. Clearly this guy is ill and not of sound mind if he goes about his life constantly lying to others and most importantly himself. You can’t help but feel a little empathy towards someone who desperately needs help. But lately I am more angry and bitter for all that he put me through. I gave him everything. I was completely and whole heartedly myself from day one. I was honest, true, vulnerable. I even cut out my best friend for him. Jealousy raged in his heart. There was emotional abuse, constant drama. We couldn’t go more then a week without some sort of fight or argument. I constantly had to assure him of my feelings and that I was 100% in the relationship with him. Yes, I am angry and bitter towards him but if I wanted to be honest with myself, I think I am more angry and bitter towards myself for tolerating such ill treatment as long as I did. The pieces are definitely broken. Trust is shattered and for someone who already had huge trust issues, this is something that I will take a long time to re-build, if at all. I have made many attempts to cut him out of my life completely yet he still manages to creep in. It’s hard to move on and heal when that person who broke your trust in people just wont leave you alone. My hope and prayer right now is that this time next year, I will be in a completely different place yet again but in a much more positive light. I am making all of the right steps, now I just need to be patient and trust that there is a plan and purpose in all of this.

Hang on tight

I have a blog crush. Her name is Becky and she is the author of Farmgirl Paints. She lives in Minnesota just southwest of the cities. You need to check out her blog and also her Etsy shop. She is a super talented artist and creates beautiful paintings along with necklaces and cuffs. I found her blog back in the Fall, ironically when everything was starting to happen with my Home. I don’t find this to be a coincidence but a part of God’s plan. Without her even realizing it, Becky has been such an inspiration to me through her stories, pictures, paintings and all around just being who she is. I had the privilege to meet her a few weeks back and asked her if she could make a painting for me and my new home. This is what she sent me… She titled it “Hang on tight.” A perfect theme for my new beginning.

Money Honey

It’s annual review time at work. The time when you are suppose to reflect back on the past years accomplishments and brag about yourself. This is something I’ve never been quite good at, bragging about how wonderful I am. I am in a support role for my job. I punch a time clock and I’m only allowed to work 40 hours a week. There are pros and cons to this type of job. One of the cons is the fact that bonuses were taken away from hourly employees. Since I support an entire team of salaried employees, this time of year can be rather annoying as everyone is so concerned with not only how much their raise is going to be, but how much their bonus check will be. It’s hard to just keep a smile on my face and pretend that it doesn’t really bother me, but deep inside it does.

Money is funny. The more you have, the more things you seem to find to spend it on, and you find yourself not having enough again. When it comes to annual review time and you find out that you are only getting x% increase, instead of being grateful and thankful for your job and an increase, you feel you deserve and are worth more. Greed and envy start to creep in and people’s ugly sides start to show.

In the last few years, I’ve had to learn many lessons when it comes to money. I can now honestly say that I am thankful I had to learn those lessons the hard way otherwise I would still be making those same mistakes. At the end of the day, life shouldn’t be about money. It shouldn’t be about how big your house is, what type of car you drive, clothes you wear, vacations you take, gifts you give/receive. Life is about living happily and comfortably within your means. You wake up, go to work, provide for yourself (and your family if that applies), go home and rest and do it all over again the next day. When you look at the big picture, as long as you have enough to live, that’s all you really ever need. Anything additional is just bonus, and those little bonuses in life should be earned by hard work and determination. I’ve never been afraid to work hard for something. Anything worth having in life should be earned. You appreciate it more when you realize just how hard you had to work for it.

R & R

I spent Saturday afternoon getting some much needed pampering done. An hour long massage followed by some TLC on my little feet. I left feeling refreshed and re-energized and vowed that I wouldn't be going another 5 plus years until my next Spa visit.

Why is it that the first thing we forget to do on our laundry list of items is take care of ourselves?? I am so guilty of this but have promised myself that going forward, I am making this my number one priority. For so long I have placed others needs and happiness above my own and it has left me broken, hurt, and frustrated. No better time to make this be a change in my life then right now, when all I seem to be facing are BIG changes. It feels good to say that I feel good, because I do. I have complete peace in my heart that I have made the right desicion and will continue to follow this feeling until it leads me to another chapter, which I will gladly open when the time is right.

Happy Monday!

Someone like you

If I was a singer, I would want to sound like Adele. She is so beautiful and her voice is gorgeous. I'm convinced that her new album 21 was written for me. This is my favorite song from 21. So relateable for anyone who has ever suffered with a broken heart.

New Chapter

I had very mixed emotions surrounding Saturday’s big move. I was excited to start a new chapter, but also very scared. It was a very bittersweet day. As the movers were quickly moving my stuff out, I was thinking to myself “Wow, this is really it” and choked back some tears. Not sure why I was sad. I think it’s because a part of me still feels like I failed at my attempts of living the American Dream. Even though I know in the long run, walking away was the best thing for me, I still feel a sense of sadness that I can’t really explain. There were a lot of memories made at my place, and a lot of memories I wish I could erase. I have learned a lot about myself through this whole process and I have grown tremendously. I have proven to myself that I am a lot stronger then I give myself credit for. When I DO get through this, it will be even more proof that I can get through anything life decides to throw at me. This journey is far from over, in fact it’s really just the beginning. I’m sure there will be plenty more tears and frustration and nights awake worrying, but I have made the first step, the biggest step and have taken control of my life and my well being. You can’t really put a price tag on that, nor fault me for wanting a better life. This is my new American Dream. Jessica’s Dream for a better, safer, more secure life.

Packing Machine

I spent 90% of my weekend packing and purging again. My living room has now become my storage room.

Before:



After:



Feel free to sign me up for the show "Hoaders." I am rather embarassed at how much stuff I have accumulated over the last 4 years. What's even more depressing is I have donated or tossed A LOT and I am still left with this. Sigh.



I am making progress! 6 days and this chapter will be closed and a new, much happier and safer one will be opened! Yay!

Let go. Let God.

It’s official, I am moving on March, 12th. That is 10 days, 10 DAYS from today. O.M.G. So much to do, so little time. I’m running on adrenaline. Knowing that in less than 2 weeks I will be safe is what keeps me going.

Over the past year, I have learned a lot about grief and myself. For once in my life I am actually going through the grieving process vs. skipping through it. I’ve grown a lot, learned a lot, cried a lot, and even managed to sneak in a few smiles here and there. I have mixed emotions on what is about to happen. Part of me feels so happy that I am closing this chapter of my life while the other part still feels worrisome of the unknown. This whole process is far from over. I’m at the tip of the iceberg and I hope and pray that things will move quickly, smoothly, and with minimal damage. I will say that I am pretty proud of the fact that I am doing this, completely on my own. I’ve received praise from some people admiring the fact that I haven’t let this situation break me down (Although, I beg to differ. I have my moments of weakness, A LOT but they are cleverly hidden). I think what they mean by that statement is most people who are going through the same thing would just give up completely on themselves, their life, and their future. I have taken control and have a plan to get me through to the other side. I saw a saying the other day that really stuck out to me “Life is about how you handle Plan B.” Couldn’t be more true for my situation.

My life hasn’t been a bed of roses. It’s been hard, challenging, difficult. I have good days and bad days. The past few years have been more on the difficult side but the beautiful thing is I have made it through. I keep waking up in the morning so that must mean that God has a plan and purpose for me. I blogged few months ago that God has a way of breaking you completely so He can rebuild. I feel like I have been broken down and now I am being rebuilt into the person I was always meant to be. I hate to admit this but I am a control freak. I have a timeline for myself and my life and feel if I don’t achieve those goals I set for myself by a certain time, I have failed. Obviously this causes me lots of frustration and anxiety. My biggest prayer right now is that God help me, let go and you know what… He’s answering. I can’t really explain it but I feel each day, little by little, I am letting go and letting God take back control. It’s still extremely difficult for me to actually do this, but my mind, body, and soul NEED it.

For those of you who have kept me in their thoughts and prayers, thank you. I have felt them, needed them, and appreciated them. This journey is far from over, but I have a plan, I have a direction and now I just need to execute it, with God’s help of course!

Here is a song I heard this morning on my way to work. It's by Linkin Park originally, but Marie Digby sings it more emotionally and beautifully. Another way in which God has spoken to me. Can't help but feel warm and confident that everything is going to be "Ok."

New Baby Girl...

At 9:20 pm last night I welcomed a 2010 Honda Fit Sport into my family. She had 6 miles on her, black interior and exterior, and that wonderful new car smell. Mom and Baby are doing well and getting acquainted with one another.



Some may ask why I decided to get a new car, especially in the situation I am in with my house. I bought my old Honda Civic in 2003. It has been a great car and had no major issues. I had 107,000 miles on the car and regular wear and tear. In a few years, I am going to need to put some money into for maintenance. Once a car reaches a certain point, you never know what could happen. Most warranty's expire after so many years and miles, and you are pretty much left stuck footing a bill for anything major that isn't within a warranty. Honda's are known for being reliable cars and can last a long, LONG time. Even so, knowing that my credit is about to take a HUGE hit in the next few weeks, I decided that it would be a wise decision to get a new vehicle and not have to worry about anything MAJOR happening with my car. I went to Honda last night with the intention of just looking and seeing what I would qualify for and left with a new car. Isn't that how it usually works? They had some AMAZING deals and I couldn't pass this opportunity up, especially since my credit worthiness is about to go through the ringer soon.

I'm happy with my decision. Like everything else I am going through, I keep playing "what if's" in my head. This is at least one thing I can take off my "What if" list. I have a safe, reliable, NEW car that will last me a long time.

Side plug... I can not say enough good things about Honda's. The truly are the BEST,CARS, EVER! Seriously... I'm not kidding. Once you have a Honda, you never go back to anything else. They are safe, reliable, and affordable. If you are looking to get a new car soon, check out a Honda. And if you buy a Honda within the next 6 months, I have a $200 coupon for you!