Mixed up

It’s amazing to think how much one person’s life can change in a matter of 365 short days. A year ago today, I thought I had met my version of a fairytale. I dismissed the red flags and dove in heart first. I was truly blinded by “Love” and wanted so desperately for him to be the one, finally!! Looking back, I learned tremendous life lessons, but like any lessons of the heart, it comes at the cost of a lot of broken pieces. I know I made the right decision by letting him go, but I am still very torn on how I should feel emotionally about it. There are days when I feel sad and sorry for him. Clearly this guy is ill and not of sound mind if he goes about his life constantly lying to others and most importantly himself. You can’t help but feel a little empathy towards someone who desperately needs help. But lately I am more angry and bitter for all that he put me through. I gave him everything. I was completely and whole heartedly myself from day one. I was honest, true, vulnerable. I even cut out my best friend for him. Jealousy raged in his heart. There was emotional abuse, constant drama. We couldn’t go more then a week without some sort of fight or argument. I constantly had to assure him of my feelings and that I was 100% in the relationship with him. Yes, I am angry and bitter towards him but if I wanted to be honest with myself, I think I am more angry and bitter towards myself for tolerating such ill treatment as long as I did. The pieces are definitely broken. Trust is shattered and for someone who already had huge trust issues, this is something that I will take a long time to re-build, if at all. I have made many attempts to cut him out of my life completely yet he still manages to creep in. It’s hard to move on and heal when that person who broke your trust in people just wont leave you alone. My hope and prayer right now is that this time next year, I will be in a completely different place yet again but in a much more positive light. I am making all of the right steps, now I just need to be patient and trust that there is a plan and purpose in all of this.