2012 Reflection

The harsh and sometimes cruel reality of the world can be hard to swallow, even so any opportunity to learn and grow is never wasted nor taken for granted. As I reflect back on 2012, I would say this year has been a year of tremendous growth. Some lessons were painful, while others were liberating. I have embraced being a legit adult and the fear of the unknown is not as paralyzing as it used to be. For the first time (perhaps ever) I feel not only hopeful but extremely confident in the direction my life is taking. In finding my voice, I was able to remove the toxic from my life that was polluting my mind and heart from being the best Jessica I could possibly be. Over the past year  I've learned that sometimes it's ok to be selfish and it's ok to say no. I've learned that anger is a human emotion and it's ok to feel that emotion. I've learned that settling isn't an option for me and that I deserve the best and good things. Above all else, I've once again realized just how blessed I am. I have wonderful friends, an amazing family, a good and reliable job. I have my health,  the ability to take care of myself. I have my hopes, I have my dreams... and there really isn't anything more I could ask for. I am lucky. I am blessed and I am excited to see what 2013 brings. Happy New Year to you and yours! May the next year bring you hope, joy, peace, and every happiness.

2012: What Brought Us Together

An emotional year. A lot happened in our world. A lot happened in my world. I found this video the other day and thought it captured 2012 pretty well. I plan to elaborate more on my year in review next week. Having a bit of a writers block lately. All is well though. Merry Christmas to you all!!

His Will Be Done

My heart hurts... I've been trying to wrap my head around the absolute horrificness that happened last Friday.  It's times like these when I look up, shake my head and struggle with life and it's purpose. Even so, I still believe there are good people out there, I still believe that in horrible situations comes something beautiful, and I still believe that God is good, all the time. We are One Nation that is under God. His will be done until His Kingdom come. I will forever trust and believe in this.

A moment to whine

I've been kinda quiet lately. I feel like I have a lot to say but can't seem to formulate the right words. It's been a crazy (good and bad) few weeks. I'm doing OK. Letting go is hard but necessary to move on to the next chapter of life.

Work is work. Since Winter decided to arrive on Sunday, my commute has sucked. I've lived in Minnesota my entire life and each snow storm is treated as if it is the end of the world. People forget how to drive and road rage takes a whole new meaning. In 46 days it wont matter. I will be in Hawaii.

I'm still seeing mystery man and I'm curious of what will be (if anything) come the New Year. Sometimes I feel he is just a distraction and other times I feel like I could really like him if I let myself but then there is the whole piece of him actually liking me too. My track record with guys isn't the greatest. I can't read them worth crap either. The older I get, the harder dating gets. The fun and excitement is still there but it becomes increasingly more scary. Where is the easy button?

My 90 day challenge kind of hit a wall last week. I haven't really been on plan and haven't worked out in over a week. Gulp. Trying hard to get back on track but all I really want is a piece of cake. Sigh. 11 pounds down (maybe closer to 9-10 since my lack of effort last week). I'm not giving up. I'm stubborn like that. I just needed a moment to whine.

It's finished. It's done.

I’ve been trying to find the right words, my last words, that accurately describe what I feel and have felt since I heard heard the news of his marriage. It doesn't seem real almost like I'm dreaming and any minute now I'm going to wake up. But, it is real and Saturday I was finally able to put to rest a broken dream that I've been holding so tightly to.

I had been avoiding his suggestion to see each other one last time. I couldn't face him until I could properly process my feelings, my hurt, my anger I have held in but never released from my heart surrounding him. I have felt every emotion towards him, except for anger. I’m scared to be angry because it’s the opposite of who I am as a person. I didn't know how to be angry at him because I didn't want our last memory to be an angry one.  The logical side of my brain wanted to scream and yell and tell him how much he destroyed me and my trust in others and also in myself.  But my heart, my stupid heart always seemed to find a reason to love him and just be sad.

After several sleepless nights and too may tear stains on my pillow, I believe I have found a way to be angry as well with still "Love" this person who has caused me so much pain. As I stared into his eyes, shaking and fighting every urge to not break down, I simply said "Thank you for breaking me." Confused, he asked me to explain.

"I’ve walked around the past 8 years broke because of you. The push and pull, back and forth, up and down that we BOTH played with one another has kept me captive. I’m a masochist in every sense of the word, but because of you, I am officially broken. It’s finished. It’s done. "

He became emotional and apologized. He took ownership for keeping me captive. He knew what he was doing and admits he was being selfish. Even so, he also said that he truly does love and care for me. I asked him to explain what that love means to him and looks like. I still don't understand his words, but I believe them but not enough to keep him in my life.   It is clear that we have very different views of what love actually is. Though his “I love you’s” were free flowing like water,  looking back I can’t help but be completely confused as what he actually meant when he said those precious words to me.  I know it was never romantic love, but the way he treated me isn’t what one does to someone they “Love.”  I guess I take comfort in knowing that the truth always eventually comes out and he  is the one that needs live with his own demons. I’ve released mine. Despite my new found anger towards him, I do truly love him and because I love him, I forgive him.  Maybe I’m too forgiving when it comes to him but I would rather walk away completely freed and not harboring any resentment. I am human. I am flawed. He taught me a lot about myself. He taught me what it was to truly love someone. Though I am very much broken and bruised, my heart will heal and it will love again. For this I am confident and very hopeful for what is to come.

We hugged, we cried, we hugged some more. He kissed my forehead a thousand times. I told him after he left that I never wanted to hear from him again. I told him that I can not and will not let him back into my life. I told him if I am ever going to move on, he needs to be removed completely. Every fiber of my being wanted the exact opposite of what my words were spewing. Even so, I have to fight the urge to fix us, and just let us be broken.  This will by far be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. He's moved on, he's made his choice.  I’m forced to move on and choose ME now. This hurts like no other hurt I’ve felt before. As much as I tried to avoid our last good bye being what it was... it was what it needed to be. I hugged him one last time, kissed his cheek and walked away. I don't know why but I felt compelled to text him a few minutes later and say "Congratulations on your marriage and your new life. I wish you every happiness." Despite the b.s. and all of the hurt, I do hope he is happy. I've finally come to a place of accepting that his happiness will never be with me.

Today is a new day. A fresh start. A new beginning. Lately I feel like I've been given a lot of new beginning's. But this one seems exceptionally promising and full of hope. I won't settle. I won't give up. My past is no longer my present. My present is what I will begin to work with and my future is filled with hope.

Thankful Thursday's

1. I'm thankful for pedicures and all around pampering. Pretty toes, freshly cut bangs, bubble baths are always welcome in my world.

2. I'm thankful for the Gym in my Apartment. No excuses, I'm down there at least 3-4 times a week.

3. I'm thankful for the new "Friend" in my life. He will still remain a mystery for now. Not a secret... just a mystery.

4. I'm thankful that I've stuck with my 90 day challenge. I am now at Day 32 and happy to report I am down 9 lbs!!! Feels good, no feels amazing!! More motivation to keep going.

5. I'm thankful for laughter. Even though my heart has taken a beating recently, I still find joy, love, humor and so many other things that make life great.

6. I'm thankful I've remained relatively calm the past few weeks even though I have reasons to be the exact opposite.  I'm fairly certain it is because of the love, support, prayers I have coming from those who know of the situation. For that, I say thank you!

7. I'm thankful I have the opportunity to give back to the community tomorrow. My boss and I along with her direct reports will be making approximately 150 sandwiches and delivering them to a Church who caters to the homeless. I've never experienced true hunger. I've never experienced homelessness. Tomorrow will be a humbling day and I'm thankful for the opportunity.

8. I'm thankful that I'm stubborn. More often than not my stubbornness is a strength, not a flaw.

9. I'm thankful my kitty Lulu. She is my fur baby and keeps life interesting.

10. I'm thankful that I have a full and blessed life. God is good to me and I will make more of an effort to have a thankful heart.

Thankful Thursday's (On Friday)

1. I'm thankful for Family Traditions and memories surrounding the Holidays.

2. I'm thankful that I allowed myself to "Cheat" on my challenge and truly enjoy Thanksgiving. Mashed potatoes, stuffing, and my Mama's homemade rolls are too hard to resist.

3. I'm thankful for sweat pants.

4. I'm thankful I always have a place to go for the Holiday's as so many people out there do not.

5. I'm thankful for all of the sacrificing my parents did for my Brother and I when we were little. Looking back I realize how hard they both worked to ensure that each Birthday and Christmas were special. We didn't necessarily have a lot, but we were NEVER without.

6. I'm thankful that I have such a generous, giving, loving, caring and supportive family.

7. I'm thankful for Bing Crosby Pandora Radio. It makes this season extra Merry and Bright!

8. I'm thankful I finished decorating my little apartment. It feels warm and cozy. I love nothing more than to turn on all my twinkly lights and just soak it all in.

9. I'm thankful I was able to enjoy one last night of 60 degree weather around a fire pit, toasting s'mores no less on Wednesday night. Can't say I've ever done that in November. Today it is 30, cold, and windy with flurries. Only in Minnesota can this happen.

10. I'm thankful I finally had a restful and peaceful nights sleep last night. It's been awhile.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who follow my blog openly and anonymously! I hope you all had a wonderful day with your family and friends. Cheers!

Restless Rest

Between Friday night at 7:00pm and Sunday at 7pm, I managed to sleep a total of 24 hours. Apparently I was tired. Weird, I can't imagine what I would be so tired from?

Thankfully my kitty was on the same page as I was. Funny how animals can sense when you are feeling a bit off. Lu always seems to  cuddle in a little bit more and tries her best to distract me with her purrs and cuteness.

I tried my best to have a low key but keep myself busy weekend. I knew I had to keep my mind busy as the second I allowed myself to stop and focus on reality, that is when I would become an emotional mess. It doesn't help that the one person I was trying not to think about made it incredibly hard not to think about him. I was woken up on Saturday morning with a picture text of a Sunrise and the caption "Good Morning, bun. I love you!" Bun is the nickname we had for each other. Not sure what hurt most receiving that text. The fact that he still thinks about me or the fact that he said the word love. It's clear we both have very different views of what love means.

I've been struggling with if I allow myself to see him one more time and tell him how much he has hurt me. Would it bring closure or just more brokenness? I desperately want to be angry with him but my heart can't muster up the courage to admit that emotion. I keep suppressing it. I keep denying the hurt I feel is actual anger. I'm scared to be angry. I don't want the last memory of us to be an angry one so I keep holding on to the reasons why I love him instead.

Middle of November in Minnesota is usually a crap shoot. The fact that it was 55 and sunny was a true treat and I took full advantage of the beautiful day. I headed to Lake Calhoun and took in the scenery. I was able to take some breathtaking shots of the sun setting but this one is probably my favorite. Though I had music blaring into my ears as I tried to get in a legit work out, my mind kept wandering. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it. I found my voice during an earlier falling out a week before. I know I can do it. I need to tap into that anger. Why am I so scared? Anger is a human emotion and in the right circumstances can be a beautiful thing if handled appropriately. My heart wont truly rest and feel peace until this is released.

It's time

This week has been utterly exhausting. Highs, lows, and to make my entire week complete, there was a suspected shooting at the Target Headquarters building this afternoon. Thankfully it was a false alarm. Even so, stick a fork in me because I. AM. DONE. I'm physically present but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually spent.

I've been trying to wrap my brain around what happened on Wednesday afternoon. I received a text that not only destroyed me but in a way released me from the the captivity that I have left myself in, hoping that someday HE would come back. For more background on the story, you can read here and here.

Ryan, the once love of my life, got married on Monday. They decided to elope. He decided telling me this information via text message while I was at work was the best possible way.

Ryan: "Hey... I have some news."

Me: (Flooded with an uneasy feeling) "Oh yeah?"

Ryan: "I got married! :)"

Me: "I don't really know what to say. I feel like I've been shot in the stomach. I wish you the best."

There are no words to accurately describe the pain, hurt, and sadness I feel with this news. I saw him about 2 weeks ago. Last Wednesday he reached out to me asking me if I could call into work so we could spend the day together. I declined, but we kept texting the rest of the week and weekend. Sunday night/Monday morning at 1:45am, I got a text from him. I responded when I woke up and we continued conversation the remainder of the day. His wedding day. I feel sick. How could he consciously make forever vows to her while in the back of his mind, be thinking about me? I don't understand. He has done some pretty awful things to me the past 8 years, but this tops the cake. The logical side of my brain realizes the I dodged a bullet. I realize that he is SO wrong for me and doesn't deserve me in the least. But my stupid heart can't seem to allow myself to be angry at him. I love him and I don't know why.

It's time to rip off the band aid I've covered myself with for 8 years and finally allow myself to heal from this  toxic and dysfunctional relationship. I'm forced to get over him. It sucks. It's gonna hurt for awhile but I'm not going to let this destroy me. I just know that there is something so great in store for me. I can feel it. Perhaps now  I can finally completely move on from him, and allow the blessings that have been patiently waiting for me,  enter my life.

Thankful Thursday's

If someone where to write a book about my life, this week would go down as the most emotionally exhausting. It started off rough, sky rocketed to the the highest of highs, only to be dropped kicked back down to the lowest of lows. All of this happened over the course of 72 hours. Even so, I wanted to write my Thankful Thursday post because even on my worst days, I still have something to be thankful for.

1. I'm thankful I found my voice and stood up for myself in a situation in which I was being treated poorly.

2. I'm thankful that I had the courage to go out on a first date and then a 2nd date this past week. I felt pretty and its been a long time since I felt truly pretty.

3. I'm thankful for my true friendships who have been there for me the past 24 hours as everything fell apart.

4. I'm thankful that I hurt, it proves that I feel and that I'm still alive in spite of it.

5. I'm thankful for my tears. I don't believe tears to be a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. They are cleansing my heart and making me stronger.

6. I'm thankful that I love with my whole heart. God created it perfect that way and someday, someone will truly appreciate me and my heart.

7. I'm thankful for my parents and other family members who have shown their love and support in the best way they can as I try to navigate a difficult and painful situation.

8. I'm thankful for memories. As painful as some may seem now, for a moment in time they were real and they were special.

9. I'm thankful that today was a new day and I will never have to relive yesterday, again.

10. I'm thankful for hidden blessings and unanswered prayers. I take comfort in knowing that this was never God's plan for me.

Properly Pretty

The week started off a bit rough but has quickly turned into a great one. I can't stop smiling today and it stems from a very fun evening last night. A boy (who will remain nameless) took me out on a 2nd date in which it ended with a kiss. I felt pretty and it was the confidence boost I've been needing for quite some time. What is it about being properly kissed that makes a girl feel pretty? It has been over a year since I was properly kissed and can I just say that it was much needed and appreciated it. Not sure what will come of this. Not sure I want anything to come of it. I'll let time decide what's best for me. I feel alive again. I feel confident in the direction my life is taking. I feel good and it feels good to feel that way.

Check in

This weekend was rough. I had an unpleasant day on Friday which spiraled into an even more unpleasant weekend. A friendship fell apart. It hurts. It sucks. Even so,  I'm not sorry for standing up for myself nor am I sorry for the way I feel. It's been a long time in the making and I probably should have cut ties a lot sooner than I did. It's a shame it couldn't be done peacefully but when you are dealing with a hyper emotional and sensitive person and a person who only knows two emotions; happy and mad... it's a recipe for disaster. It is what it is and I take comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason. Today is a new day and I hold my head up high.

Typically whenever I'm going through a stressful situation, I turn to food for comfort. With everything that happened this past weekend, food was the last thing on my mind. I had to force myself to eat which is a first for me. On the bright side, yesterday was Day 15 of my 90 Day challenge and I am happy to report that I am down 6.8 pounds!! I can't tell you how good it feels to see that progress. It is motivation for me to keep going. I don't necessarily have a number goal in mind. I really just want to see what my body does on its own. Even after my 90 Day challenge I plan on continuing this lifestyle as I truly believe it works for me. I physically feel better and have more energy. I also have been sleeping better at night and not finding myself  as sleeping during the day. I also have stepped up my exercize routine and have started taking the stairs when I can. My water intake is through the roof as I have been drinking three 32 oz mugs of water a day. It's little steps that are making a big difference. I have adjusted to my new normal and I am extremely proud that I have stuck with it!!

75 Days and counting!!! It will be here before I know it!!! Wheeeeeee!!

Truth hit the light

It's an unpleasant realization when you see someone you knew and trusted be the exact opposite of who you thought them to be. Yesterday the truth hit the light and I know see this person exactly for who they are. Scum.

I tend to see the good in people, and dismiss and tolerate the bad. For nearly 3 years, I have done just that with someone I cared about. I was a good friend to them. Too good. They took advantage of my friendship and used it when it was convenient for them. This person can never take responsibility for their actions or behavior. They constantly blame others for what's wrong with their life. They never stop to look at themselves whenever their is conflict. They never take ownership for anything. They walk around with a "F you" attitude and constantly pointing the finger at everyone else except for themselves. They are extremely disrespectful and most of all they had a way of making me feel small, unimportant, stupid, and not worth while.  Because of their constant negativity, I have become negative.

The straw the broke the camel's back was about something so ridiculous. I own up for my over reaction to it all, but their actions and total disrespect shed a light I have needed to see in this person for quite some time. It was enough for me to say "I am done with you" not only as a friend but as a person.

My heart is too big for it's own good. I'm too nice, too forgiving, too everything to everyone and I always get jerked around and crapped on. I feel sick and totally used. I don't understand how people can take advantage of others and not give a shit about it. I have learned another lesson, yet the hard way but a lesson that hopefully will never have to be learned again.

I'll be OK. Every time I'm knocked down, I get back up and I'm stronger. Mark my words, I will never, EVER let anyone jerk me around again. Friendship wise, relationship wise, work wise, life wise. What I find so ironic in this situation is this person has been the voice of reason in trying to help me navigate and find my voice. They have tried to help me stand up for myself when I am being used and abused. Little did I realize that they were the one who were using and abusing. Well in taking their advice, I am gladly cutting them out and never letting them back in. I have been jerked around for the last time.

Thankful Thursday's

1. I'm thankful to see the sun today. It's been gray and dreary lately. It's nice to see the blue sky, white clouds and bright rays shine down again.

2. I'm thankful (and also really surprised ) at how well I've stuck with my 90 day challenge. It's Day 13 and I can finally say I'm used to my new routine. No more excuses, I just do it. Feels good.

3. I'm thankful for supportive friends, family, and my work family who have encouraged me to keep with my Challenge. Temptation is EVERYWHERE.  I can literally trick or treat 365 days at work, or at my Mom's, or anywhere really. I can proudly admit I haven't had a piece of candy in nearly 2 weeks. WILL POWER!

4. I'm thankful Minnesota voted "No" on Tuesday. Gives me hope that there are still legit, good hearted people out there who choose love over hate.

5. I'm thankful I had the opportunity to spend the day shopping with my Mom, Aunt, and Grandma last weekend. Though we have had many shopping days together in the past, my sweet Grandma is 84 years old and is slowing down, a lot. Being able to get her out and about is becoming more rare so I cherish the times when she does feel up to it.

6. I'm thankful that in 80 days I will be leaving for Hawaii!!! I couldn't think of a more perfect way to shorten my winter.

7. I'm thankful that my paycheck is always direct deposited a day earlier than everybody else. A much welcome "Glitch" in the system that benefits me every other Thursday. Today is payday.

8. I'm thankful for "Aha" moments. Been having more of those lately.

9. I'm thankful that I have a warm and safe place to sleep every night. It truly is a luxury I don't take for granted.

10. I'm thankful that I have a lot to be thankful for.

Hope

"I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting"-Barack Obama

No matter who you voted for yesterday... President Obama's words ring truth for any side of the aisle. He is still our President and I truly believe that he wants only the best for our Country. Our Country is divided and it will take hard work from both sides to meet in the middle. Change takes time, take patience, takes sacrifice, takes commitment, takes an open mind,  takes more than 4 years. He has a big job and I admire his courage, strength and dedication to keep fighting for everyone.

On a different note, I am incredibly proud to be a Minnesotan today! Both our discriminatory Amendments will not be passed! It was a close race on both issues. Too close for my blood. I was up until 3am waiting to hear the results. I couldn't sleep knowing that my friends, neighbors, my own boss' families were being voted on. Thankfully MN voted No and today is a good day!

I think we all can breathe a sigh of  "Finally, it's OVER!" now that the Election is done. I feel like I've been water boarded with Political ads, yard signs, phone calls. Blahhhhh. It's done! Life goes on. Praise, God!



The right to choose

Today is Election Day, 2012. I have never been so anxious about an Election since I was first able to vote back in 2000. There is a lot at stake, but even more so in Minnesota. No matter where people stand on the financial, social, and civil issues that are on the ballot, I sincerely hope that people who are able to vote, exercise that right. Our voice matters.  I proudly stood in line, in the rain, and filled out my ballot making the choices that were right for me, for my future, for my potential children's future. Now, all I can do is wait and see what happens. No matter the outcome, or who is elected... God is still God and we are at His mercy and grace.

Thankful Thursday's

November 1st. Doesn't seem possible. Seems like I was just ringing in 2012 and now I am counting down until 2013. As I get older each year seems to past faster than the year before. You blink and 10 years passes you by. Crazy. I thought I would continue my tradition from last year and dedicate every Thursday in November and list out the many things I am thankful. I'm guilty of getting wrapped up in what I don't have and forget to realize what I do have. I'm blessed and this will be a good reminder for me to remain humble and grateful for the beautiful life I have.

1. I'm thankful for my family. They love me when I am unlovable. They support me when I am unsupportable. They allow me to fall but are there and ready to help me back up when I need them to be.

2. I'm thankful that my relationship with my Dad has improved by leaps and bounds. The past 15 plus years have been difficult since my parents split. It's been an emotional tug of war. "Forgiveness is accepting that the past couldn't be any different." That statement rings so much truth for me and my story. I love my Dad. I forgive my Dad. I am thankful that I have finally reached this place in my life of emotional freedom from something that was holding me hostage for far too long.

3. I'm thankful for my stubborn, never gonna give up, fight for what I want tendencies. It has it's advantages. It's who I am.

4. I'm thankful for my job. It allows  me the ability to provide and take care of myself. True Independence is such a liberating feeling.

5. I'm thankful for my awesome new boss. She is a world of positive difference compared to what I was going through a year ago. She's wonderful. Because of her I am not only a better Admin but a better person.

6. I'm thankful I'm an independent thinker and that I stand up for what I believe in.

7. I'm thankful for new beginnings.

8. I'm thankful for my friendships. Sometimes they change, but a true friendship never dies. Just picks up where it left off.

9. I'm thankful for the beautiful Minnesota Fall we have had.  Such brilliant changing colors paired with breathtaking sunrises and sets. It's hard not to get distracted while driving or walking around the many lakes.

10. I'm thankful that I'm learning to say "No" and in doing so, I'm finally saying "Yes" to myself. It's time.

My new normal

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Whoever said that ridiculous quote obviously hasn't had really good food. Though there probably is some truth in that statement (I wouldn't know, I've never been skinny)  I still like food. A LOT!! I'm on Day 5 of the 90 Day Challenge. Still trying to adjust to my new routine. My new normal. Not to worry, I'm still eating real food and have even allowed myself a treat here and there. All I really want is cake, deep friend goodness, and chocolate. LOTS OF CHOCOLATE. Doesn't help that today is Halloween and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups are like little 150 calorie pieces of heaven. Crrraaaapppp. I can do this. I am doing this. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Happy Halloween!! For those of you NOT on a diet, please enjoy all of those yummy Peanut Butter Cups that you steal from your kids stash for me!!!! (Don't even act like you don't do that!! I know you do! :))

90 Day Challenge

I started a 90 Day challenge on Saturday. Exactly 91 days before I leave for Hawaii. I've tried every diet under the sun. I've had success but only to find the weight creep back on. I ignored the scale the past two months. I totally admit I was eating and drinking my feelings. Disgusted with myself, I decided to give this a shot. I wont go into details what it is right now... I don't want to jinx myself. Needless to say I'm hungry, or I at least think I'm hungry. It's a mind game. Most weight loss journey's are. So far I'm doing ok. First week is usually the hardest as you are trying to adjust to a new routine. I'm hopeful this will work or at least get me on the right track. If anything, I hope to lose a few pounds before Hawaii along with gaining confidence back in myself. I figured it was time to say "Yes." It's an adjustment for me to use that word. Especially using that word to do something for ME. I think it's time. Wish me luck! 89 Days, 3 hours, 46 minutes and 50 seconds until I am on that plane to paradise!

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

Memory Lane

My Mom asked me to go to a craft fair with her on Saturday morning. I'm not much of a crafter, but do enjoy admiring others creativity. The craft fair happened to be at my old High School.  A place I haven't stepped foot in, in nearly 12 1/2 years.

Pulling into the parking lot flooded back memories of the mornings I would pull into school and how much I would regret being there. High School was not a pleasant time for me. I really didn't fit in. I wasn't a nerd, but I wasn't popular either. I had a group of friends, but then I also had "friends" who I thought were friends and they ended up not being so friendly towards me. I remember going home a lot of nights and crying myself to sleep because of rumors that were spread about me. Some were true but others were just plain mean and so completely far from the truth.

I walked the halls of the my high school trying my best to enjoy the time with my Mom, but was completely distracted by all of the memories replaying in my mind. My locker,  home room, The Gym, The cafeteria. Everything seemed so different but yet nothing seemed to have changed either. Cheerleaders were popular when I was in High School. I remember wanting to be one, but never felt pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough. I probably should've tried out for the team but the fear of rejection in front of my peers was too much to handle so I just admired them from afar.

I had two High School crushes. One was a guy who was a year older than me. We would always pass each other in the hall after 2nd period. We would smile at each other but that was about it. He was popular. Played football and basketball. I've run into him a few times since High School, usually at Target and always when I'm looking like CRAP. Awesome. I did have the opportunity to actually talk to him a year or so ago. I introduced myself and he said "I know who you are." I was shocked. Maybe I wasn't as invisible as I thought I was. I never initiated anything more with him after that. I still run into him at Target though. Always rocking the sweatpants. 

My other crush happened to be a guy in my home room. We also shared a few classes together. He made me laugh.  He always had a girlfriend. They were always super pretty and popular. I remember day dreaming of what it would be like to be his girlfriend. When he found out I wasn't going to Prom with anyone, he felt super bad and wished he didn't end up asking a Sophomore. He tried his best to make my night special regardless. I appreciated his effort. His date probably didn't appreciate it though.  I don't think he knew I had a crush on him. but I remember telling him I did after we graduated. He was flattered but gave me the "I always just liked you as a friend" speech. Classic. He moved away, has a son but not married. We are "Friends" on Facebook and that's the extent of it.

My parents divorced when I was a Freshman which didn't really help the whole High School experience  either. I was changing not only physically, and mentally but throwing the emotional piece of enduring a parents divorce was incredibly painful. I felt alone a majority of the time. I was involved in sports my Freshman year but became more of a homebody Sophomore  and Junior year. By Senior year I was so over High School life, that I ended up going to a Community College and took advantage of Post Secondary FREE credits. Seemed like a no brainer to me. Looking back, I realized I missed out on a lot by isolating myself. If I had the chance to do High School differently, I would. But, I made my choices and the experience I had, was had for a reason.

I haven't been to a High School reunion and have no plans to attend one in the future. I have forgiven the people who were mean to me but I have no desire to see them nor try to establish friendships with them now that we are adults. Maybe I am still isolating myself but I don't see the need to rehash things that I have let go from my past.  The people I care to see or talk to on a regular basis I see and talk to. Everyone else can remain in the sea of Facebook.

No into Yes

The word "No" is defeating. It makes me feel small. Insufficient. Insignificant. It makes me  question everything about myself, about life, about the direction I am going or not going. It traps me into dark places and keeps me hostage for far longer than I care to admit. Bottom line, "No" makes me feel not good enough. Lately I've been struggling to believe that I will ever hear the word "Yes" as all I ever seem to be surrounding by is "No."

 I had the TV on in the background as I was getting ready yesterday. Since I don't have cable, I have a limited number of channels that actually come in. Yesterday it was Channel 11. It was around 10:30am and there was a televised Church service going on. Typically (in my experience) those services are just begging for people to send in money along with a few praise Jesus' thrown in. Totally not my thing and usually I end up changing the channel. But in the essence of having some background noise while I was getting ready, I kept it on. As I was putting on my make up, I heard the pastor say:

"God places dreams in your heart for a reason. Though you may have heard NO in your past and you very well could continue to hear NO in the the future... someday those NO's will turn into a YES. Your YES may just be around the corner. God hasn't given up on your dreams and neither should you. Trust that each NO is getting you to your YES."

At that moment, I put down my mascara and started to pay attention for the next 20 minutes. God captured my attention and answered a prayer I've been desperate to hear an answer to. That prayer being that my hopes and dreams aren't too big to experience. Aren't too big for Him to answer. Aren't too big to be. God hears me and He will answer my hopes and and dreams when He sees fit. What I am experiencing right now is merely a difference in opinion. My timeline and His timeline are not aligned. Relinquishing that control and trusting that He has this, ALL of this, is hard. God captured my attention yesterday and probably has been trying to for quite some time.  He nudged His way back in  by way of a televised Church service. What an awesome weirdo. :)

Sh*t girls say

I needed a good laugh so I stumbled across this gem. You're welcome.

Carousel

My heart is heavy and I can't really explain why I feel the way I feel, I just do. The fear of everything changing held me back from speaking my truth. Now that I have spoken my truth, everything has changed. Was it worth it? What was the lesson learned? Was this always a part of the greater plan and purpose?  People can come quickly into your life and leave just as quickly on their way out. I can't say that I didn't try. I probably tried too much. Why must I be so available, so open, so honest with people? Why am I so afraid to say no and back away when the first tingling in my heart starts to flutter and say "This isn't right." People have a way of telling you who they really are in their actions. Maybe they were showing me all along who they were but I dismissed the reality of things. The reality and truth in their actions and words.  My life seems to be a never ending carousel ride. Up and down. Round and Round. Same pattern, different situation.

Jess, the Bread Maker

I spent Saturday afternoon/evening at a bread making class with my Mom and two Aunts. Anyone who knows me, knows that I. DO. NOT COOK. I am domestically disabled when it comes to the Kitchen. I know that the cooking/baking gene is hidden in me somewhere as my Mom and Grandma are both amazing cooks, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. My excuse has always been that it is hard to cook for one, which is true. My dinners consist of bowls of cereal, peanut butter toast, and the occasional turkey tacos. I know you're jealous.


The class was at the Smoland Inn in Alpha, Wisconsin. It was a cute little Farm filled with Horses, Cows, Chickens, and of course, kitty's! I was in animal heaven. This little cutie kitty was in a flower box just outside of their wine shop. (Yes, they had a wine shop too!) Oh fur cute, right?! Wheee.

The class ended up being a lot fun but then again, cooking/baking with wine is ALWAYS fun. I'm not about to quit my job and open a bakery anytime soon. I'll leave that up to my Mom, who actually is an amazing baker! I did have fun though and it will be a day I will remember. It was the first day I ever wore an apron, and the first day I ever made bread from scratch.  

 

P.S. I made Honey Whole Wheat, and it is amazing!

Life update

I'm still eating and drinking my feelings. Prime example: Yesterday I had cookies for breakfast, margarita, chips and salsa, fajitas for dinner. Fail. I felt so guilty when I got home that  I forced my tennis shoes on and stepped on that treadmill. I kept burping up margarita (sexy) so I limited my "Workout" to 30 minutes. I promised myself that I would actually push my tush tonight when I get home.

Someone asked me if I was a Christian because I have gay friends and support equality for them. I was completely and utterly disgusted with their comment. How incredibly ignorant for them to judge and say such a thing. Sin is sin, people. Red, yellow, black, white, gay, straight, we ALL are precious in HIS sight. I have a hard time believing that God would HATE anyone but especially HATE gays. Their sin is no more and no less than my own. No one has the right to caste judgement or limit the human and civil rights ALL people deserve. Please take into consideration this is my opinion and you are entitled to yours. I don't judge you for you stances on this subject and expect the same respect in return. Fair? I think so.

I'm so over this election. The political ads are getting to be a bit much. From the sounds of it, its going to be a tight race. I just hope it's not another 2004 re-count battle. What a mess that was. Whether you are right or left on your political beliefs, we have to give mad props to our President. He inherited a mess and in my opinion has done a pretty good job considering everything. People need to realize that things aren't going to change over night. Change takes time, it takes patience, it takes hard work, team work. It takes compromise, and sacrifice from EVERYONE!!!! Here's an idea... why don't we stop blaming the other party for all that is wrong in this country and start working together to come up with actual solutions versus pointing all of the things that are wrong. Just a thought. I digress.

Mr. Toxic tried to weasel his way back in the other day. I took a huge step and told him no. It was hard. I felt anxious in doing so, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I need to treat him as if he is a drug and I am addicted to him. I'm not addicted to who I think he is now, I'm addicted to the idea of what I thought he was, then. Haven't let go of that version of him yet. I thought I conquered this but it has become clear, I haven't. I hope I have enough courage and strength to continue to say no again in the future. Baby steps.

Work is still insane but thankfully my boss has been SO supportive and encouraging that it makes this stressful time go a lot smoother than it could be. The new hire I have been training has been going well. I've been super hard on myself in thinking I am not a good trainer/teacher but the feedback I've been getting is the exact opposite. She is thriving because I am a good teacher. This makes me feel good. Bonus points is I will have a ton to write about in my annual review. Those dreadful things are always impossible to write, but this year it will be a piece of cake (hmmm cake, stop it Jess!!!) Score!

I'm hosting a girls afternoon this coming Sunday at my place! I love to entertain and have people over. It gives me an excuse to super clean my apartment, along with pulling out my wine glasses. We are celebrating a friends birthday, and another friend will be bringing her newborn baby boy so I can get my baby fix at the same time.

This whole being 30 thing is still settling in. There are moments when I have minor freak outs when I realize I am a legit adult. The other day it happened when I was driving home from my Mom's after having dinner. I was sitting at a red light and the little voice in my head said "Holy crap, I'm an adult. I'm driving home to MY apartment where I take care of MYSELF. Holy crap." Then the light turned green, and I snapped back into reality. I'm not sure if I'll ever get used to being an adult. When did it sink in for you?

I leave for Hawaii in 108 days,  2 hours, 52 minutes and 12 seconds but who's counting?

That's it for now.

Back on the wagon

It's been 6 months since I last blogged about my 30 by 30 goal. Meh... I figured if I just ignored the scale that I would magically lose the last 20 pounds I wanted to shed by the time I was 30 years. NOT. There was one weekend in August when I decided to step back on that dreaded thing just to see how much damage I had done and was extremely surprised to see that I somehow managed to lose another 5 pounds vs. gain. That high was short lived as the next week... life happened. I went through rejection by someone I really liked, work became total insanity, and my nights and weekends turned into eating and drinking my feelings. I'm really good at that.

I leave for Hawaii in 110 days. That's 16 weeks from yesterday. That should be reason enough to get my arse in gear but still I'm struggling to find motivation. I don't have any excuses but pure laziness. Though I am exhausted, I know getting out and moving would do me good, and yet I still just sit on my couch watching SATC for the 100th time. Yesterday was bad. I slept until 10am which is odd for me as usually I am up by 7am. Had breakfast and literally just sat, read, napped, watched TV, read, napped. All day. The sun was shinning. I should've bundled up and went for a walk but instead I chose to sit on my butt and be lazy. Ugh. I remember thinking to myself that I need to change my habits otherwise it's going to get out of control again. Finally around 5pm, I threw my tennis shoes on, a hooded sweatshirt and went for a walk. It felt good to breathe in the cool air. My muscles were happy that I was moving.

As I enter into the winter months, I need to get into a routine of dragging my butt down to the fitness center in my apartment building. I was so committed last year for a good 2-3 months and then I let it go. I'm so frustrated with myself. I know I can do this. I know that I can make better choices, exercise more, eat less. Be healthier. I can lose the weight. I have lost the weight before and I can do it again. I know that when I do this, for real, I will feel so much better about myself in more ways than one so why can't I just do it already??! The term "I eat because I am unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat" rings so much truth for me. At least I realize this, whereas some people just stay in denial.

It's time to get serious. FOR REAL. Today is a new day. Time to pick myself back up, put those tennis shoes back on, and start taking care of ME!

I can't be silent

Bullying isn't just an issue for kids but we see it in adults as well. Why do we live in a world so full of hate and judgement? Why do we live in world that demands perfection and defines beauty by unrealistic standards? Everyone has a story, a past, a reason they are they way they are. Don't judge or jump to conclusions on someone based on their outward appearance. I have fallen victim to bullying because of my weight. I have struggled my entire life. I am aware of my physical flaws but it doesn't define me as a person. I too am so much more than a number on the scale. Do I need to lose weight? Absolutely, but being bullied into doing so isn't the type of encouragement I need or anyone else who struggles with weight issues needs either. Think before you speak, type, post. Be kind to one another. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Shoot for the stars...

Dear Little Jess,

You are SO loved. There will be times in your life when you will question this, but you are.You are the sunshine in so many people's lives. God has BIG plans for you. Bigger than you can ever imagine or dream of. Trust this. Trust yourself.  Never settle for anything less that what you give. You are worth it. You are smart enough, good enough, pretty enough. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn't worth having in your life.

Enjoy being little. Someday will become an actual day before you know it. You will make mistakes. When life knocks you down, pick yourself back up and try again. Don't ever give up, EVER but realize that some things you need to just let go of. Your heart will be broken a time or two. It's ok. It will still beat. You will get through it.  Be choosy. It's ok to be selfish sometimes. Don't compare yourself to others. Some days you are ahead and others behind. It's ok to be different. Only you are responsible for your happiness. 

Guard your heart. Listen to your head more. Never apologize for how you feel but realize when you need to apologize. Be honest. Be true. Be uniquely you. Life is short. Live in each moment. Be thankful. Be grateful. Give back but allow others to take care of you when you need it. It's ok to ask for help. Love always. Forgive when you need too, this includes yourself. 

Remember that your parents are human and will make mistakes. They love you. One day you will look back and realize just how much they sacrificed for you. Remember to thank them. You will ultimately end up like your Mother. It's not a bad thing. Life is what you make of it. Enjoy YOUR journey. You are special. You are beautiful. You matter. You are YOU.

Love, Future Jess

 

Dear Present Jess,

Look at you! All grown up! Remember when you wanted to rush to this point!?! Now you're here and you are doing a pretty good job!! Remember your hopes and dreams? They may have shifted a bit in the growing up process, but they are still there. Don't give up. You are smart enough, good enough, pretty enough. You are loved. Keep your chin up and continue to reach for those stars. Continue to trust the process, the journey, YOUR journey. You are uniquely you. Own it.

Love,

Yourself

ring around the rosy

Definition of Masochist:

"A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences."

He was the only person I have ever allowed myself to love but is also the only person who has truly broken me because I loved/love him. He has given me a million reasons to hate him, but yet I still feel exceptionally drawn to him whenever he manages to sneak back in. He has moved on. Practically married, and helping raise her two kids but still continues to have a "Friendship" with me that is secret. I allow this to be because the thought of still having him in my life in a minimal way is still somehow better than him not being there at all. It's not right. It's not fair. I deserve more, but in some twisted way I must enjoy the icky feeling I'm left with whenever our conversations end and the few and far between times I have seen him in the last few years since we split.

He always initiates contact. I always respond. I can't say no to him. I miss him, I miss us. We had an amazing 5 years together. More good times than bad. He brought out the best in me, but also the worst.  We had a connection. We had a special bond. I truly thought that someday he would get over his bs commitment issues and make it official with us, but he never did. I haven't let go of that dream of what if. It's holding me back. I know this and only I can do something about it.

A few weeks ago he contacted me and asked if he could stop by. I said yes. As he walked into my place, he seemed sad. I asked why he was here... he said he didn't want to go home. I didn't know what to say. My heart hurt for him. I have asked him many times why he hasn't let me go. He said it's hard to let go of someone he loves and who has had such an impact on his life. It's heart breaking. Though his actions may not necessarily align with those of someone who loves someone... I know that he does care for me and has love for me. In a letter he wrote me shortly after we split a few years ago, he told me that I was, at that time, the one true and great love of his life. It was everything I needed to hear, but too late. I moved on, and he eventually moved on too. But still, he comes back to me. I let him come back. I can't seem to say no. I can't seem to let go. This ring around the rosy back and forth game is holding me back. I hate him for this. I hate me for this. He's like a drug I can't seem to quit. I want to, but something continues to tell me to hold on.

Feel free to virtually shake me in disappointment. I have been doing the same thing mentally for years.

Falling for Fall

It's here... the dreaded F word. Fall. Though I secretly like the season, it's just a hop skip and a jump away from winter and the sun magically disappears for what seems like a century. Here is my attempt to accept that summer is gone, and fall has arrived. I think the real reasoning behind the word "Boo" is not to scare you, but to pout that summer is over. Booooooo. My sun kissed skin is slowly turning back into its whiter than snow Scandinavian roots again. No megusta. But alas... Fall is here and I'm trying hard to embrace it.

This past weekend was especially chilly. Highs in the 50's and lows near freezing. I'm still rockin' my flippy floppy's though. Until there is snow on the ground, I will stay committed! I woke up Saturday morning and decided that I needed some coffee and the chilly temps was more reason to get my favorite warm drink from Caribou... I present, the Campfire Mocha!! It's a s'more in a cup. 800 glorious caffeinated calories to jump start my day. Amazing.

I spent my weekend pet sitting. I desperately missed my bed, and kitty. I got home yesterday morning and snuggled in reading, napping, and cuddling with my beast kitty. After a good 2 hours of nothingness, I decided to bake some cookies for a friend in which I missed. They were alright... not my best attempt but there is something about baking that refreshes the senses. Warm cookies, cold glass of milk. Perfection. Perfectly fall.
Excuse my mess on my vanity. I keep saying I'm going to take a day to super clean and organize my place, but I keep finding all sorts of excuses to post pone. Funny how that happens. Side note, that Vanity was my Grandma and Grandpa's  when they first got married. My parents had it when they first got married and it was passed down to me. A very special piece. It also matches a dresser. Very shabby chic. Love.

Miss Lulu beast kitty has been exceptionally affectionate lately. The cooler temperatures encourage her to snuggle in under the covers and take advantage of Mama's warmth and vice versa. Doesn't she look so happy to be taking this picture with me?! Ha... she loves it. The selfish part of me wishes I was sharing covers with someone special, but until then, Lulu kitty will have to do. Funny how animals can fill certain voids. I'm thankful I have her. Though her love is totally conditional provided I feed her, it is nice to have something to come home too. Life would be pretty lonely without her there.

Chocolate has become my best friend lately. I love Dove Dark Chocolate and technically Dark Chocolate is suppose to be GOOD for you, so that's my justification for enjoying it so much. I also enjoy Dove because they leave your heart filled with little promises and truths... like this awesome statement:

"It's OK to be fabulous AND flawed!"

Phew, thank God! I carry a lot of flaws. A LOT. But I think I have a lot of fabulous parts to me too.  I am who I am. No excuses, no justifications.

125 days and I will be in Hawaii. :)

Sleepy

Do you ever have one of those days where you are driving, arrive somewhere but then realize you have no idea how you actually got there? Welcome to my life the past few weeks. I feel like a walking Zombie. I'm tired, no exhausted but can't seem to rest my mind, body or soul.

Work has been insane. Doing two jobs within 40 hours a week is impossible but I am thankful I have a job. My new counterpart starts on Monday but unfortunately its going to be a good 3 months until she is fully up to speed and I have been assigned her trainer/mentor. Apparently I'm an expert. It's not that I don't like helping others out, I just don't see myself as being a good teacher. When it comes to projects or tasks, I do much better on my own. I get along just fine in a group setting, but I feel I am more productive when it's just me. It's an "Opportunity" of mine, and I hope to learn patience with myself as I embark on this next three months of training someone new. I have to remind myself that a year ago, I was the one being trained in my current position.

I've been pet sitting a lot lately. The extra money is nice, but the time away from my home is not. I wish I could say no to more jobs if it doesn't fit my schedule but I feel bad and know how stressful it can be to coordinate taking care of your pet when you are heading out a town. Maybe it would be different if my clients booked my services farther out in advance vs. just a few days notice. When they say "Hey Jess, I know this is super last minute but I am leaving for 4 days tomorrow, can you stay with my dog," I kinda feel trapped and forced to say yes because if I don't, their weekend plans are ruined, but at the same time my weekend plans are ruined too. Ugh... now I'm just complaining. I need to learn to say no more, even if the thought of doing so gives me anxiety.

I'm going to another wedding next weekend and REALLY looking forward to kicking back and having a good time. My plus one plans fell through, but I have a feeling I will have a better time going solo. I already had plans to get my hair done and I may splurge and get my make up done too. I'm worth it and if I feel I look good, I know that will only boost my chances of having an even more amazing night.

Happy Friday ya'll and happy last day of Summer!

P.S. I leave for Hawaii in 128 days. :)

130 Days

When I was 6 years old, I had the opportunity to go visit family in Hawaii. I remember being SO excited. I even took swimming lessons so I could swim in the ocean. My ticket was purchased, bags were nearly packed and then a few days before we were suppose to leave, I was told that the trip wouldn't be happening. I was crushed. It has been a dream ever since that I go and visit the beautiful islands of Hawaii.

A few years ago, a friend of mine from High School moved to Honolulu. Her husband is in the military and they were stationed there. (Rough, right?!) Ever since she moved, she has been trying to get me to go visit her. Trust me, I've wanted to drop everything and not only go visit her, but flat out move there but the logical side of my brain always seems to win. Tickets are insanely expensive, and the cost of living is just as crazy too. The upside, you are in paradise and that to me, is priceless.

As I have mentioned, the past few weeks have been rough at work and outside of work hasn't been so peachy either. I reached a wall yesterday and needed a mental break so I started searching for flights to Hawaii. I emailed my friend some options to see if she was game. She was. I took last night to digest the price tag and this morning, I bit the bullet and booked the flight. Gulp. I. AM. SO. EXCITED!!!!! It has been a dream that I visit Hawaii and now it will come true in a mere 130 days. I have something to look forward to, and not to mention a nice little break from winter in January/February. I leave January 27th and come back February 6th. 9 FULL days in paradise. Bliss.

There is a good chance I may never come back to MN. I kid. Sorta. Never say never though. :)

Acceptance

In a world full of opposites, I'm learning to accept that I fit in just fine. Though I strive to be the best version of me I can possibly be, I'm not perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome.

I'm  trying to focus on those awesome parts more, and let the not so awesome just be. My imperfections are a part of me and that's ok. I'm a work in progress.  

This being a grown up thing is tough but I think I am managing ok. Some days are better than others and on those not so great days, that's what wine and chocolate is for. I've reached the point in my adulthood where it is perfectly acceptable to drink alone and have chocolate for dinner.

Someday I hope to look back at this time in my life and laugh at how silly I was for being so worried, so stressed, so anxious over things that I have no control over. My only true job right now is to focus on being me and choosing happiness. Life always works out the way it is supposed to, so why fight it? I have a blessed life and it's time I start focusing on those little blessings versus wishing for other blessings to appear. God's timing is never early, never late. Always on time. His time.

Tug of War

I had a date last night. I didn't want to go but didn't want to be rude and cancel last minute as I know what that feels like, and it's not warm and fuzzy. He was perfectly nice. A little quiet but a gentleman. We just met for drinks and shared an appetizer in which he paid. (Still getting used to this whole guys paying for things idea. I've been taking care of myself for too long and just automatically assume I pay for my half when it comes to dates). He asked if we could see each other again in which I said "Sure" but to be honest, I just don't think I am ready for a variety of different reasons.

I'm incredibly lonely but I'm realizing that this loneliness can not be filled by surrounding myself with friends, family, and potential dates. Though I want more than anything to find someone wonderful and share my life with them, it can't be rushed, and it can't be forced. Lately, even in my friendships... I've felt like it has been forced which is back firing and causing them to pull away. It's crushing. I realize that friendships change, people change. Though they may say one thing, their actions speak volumes of what it really going on, which is nothing. It's hard to digest. My fragile little heart hurts but I'm learning to let it go and trust that there is a reason I am going through this painful and icky time, again. There is a lesson I haven't learned. God isn't finished with me. I trust that He is using this loneliness to draw me closer to Him. It's an emotional tug of war but in the end, He always wins.

Meh...

I'm quickly learning how to run in heels at work. I'm convinced that this burns more calories then walking in them. Heels were the original "Shapeups."

My new boss is amazing. Even though work life is insane, she keeps me sane and truly allows me to be ME. It feels great to have such a supportive and understanding leader.

I get home from work and my brain literally turns into mush. I know I need to get out and exercise, but eating ice cream for dinner on my couch seems to be winning.

It's dark at 7:30pm. No me gusta.

I started watching SATC for the 100th time. It never gets old.

I love "Sleeping" with the windows opened at night. Cool and crisp air. Love cuddling up with my fuzzy blanket.

Still sleeping like crap.

I'm really good at reading in between the lines even though I try really hard to dismiss it.

It's funny how lies become the truth.

My intuition still has a 98% accuracy rate. I need to listen to it more.

I have a blind date tomorrow night. Not sure if I have the energy to go through this again. Dating is such a game and I suck at it. Also, not quite sure if I am "Ready" yet. My head says  "Get your a$$ out there!!!" but my heart says "Whoa... this is scary."

I bought a really nice but really expensive pair of jeans a few weeks ago. They fit perfectly. Like legit PERFECT. This isn't good for my bank account.

I re-signed my lease on my apartment. Can't believe it's been 18 months since I moved in. Also can't believe it's been a year since my Condo craziness has been over with. Life flies by in some areas but seems to drag on in other areas. Why is that?

I'm in a funk. I'm not my normal happy go lucky, hopeful, rainbows and sunshine self. People are noticing, I hate that. I would like to fast forward to the happy valley again. I know I will get there. This life stuff is tough but I'm figuring it out the best way I know how.

Please & Thank-you

I bought this little gem on Saturday. It seemed too appropriate to not have at work given the insanity I am finding myself in. Makes me giggle, and people are actually listening. It's the little things in life that keep us going. My little thing this week just happens to be a plaque, strategically placed on my desk, next to my candy dish. Happy Monday!

It's been a week

I always regret taking anytime off from work as I always seem to have to play catch up for an entire week after just taking one simple 8 hour day off, even on a Holiday weekend no less! I started my Tuesday off clocking in at work at 6:30am. The sun was barely up, and neither was I. I knew Tuesday was going to be a rough day. My counterpart Admin recently was promoted and I'm the lucky one who gets to pick up the slack. Expect more, pay less... right?

My brain has felt like it was going to explode this entire week. It's been a week of eating on the go, lucky to get 2 minutes for a bathroom break, and the only fresh air I seemed to get was the car ride home at the end of the day, expect for Tuesday in which I had an unexpected but very welcome invitation to enjoy an evening outdoors with a friend.

I'm exhausted, but can't seem to muster any good sleep except by tricking myself with some Tylenol PM. I wake up still tired, and a little shaky. After 3 days of pure craziness of work, I sent my Dad a text last night asking him if I could come sit in his hot tub and him feed me cocktails for dinner. Seemed appropriate, and he obliged. Ended up having Brinner (Breakfast for dinner) and Dreamsicles. Weird combo, but it was tasty and the hot jets felt good on my stressed filled body.

Even though I have a supportive family and friends who cheer me up in times of chaos, It's been a week when I really wish I had someone I could come home to. Someone to wrap me up in their arms, rub my neck and back, kiss my forehead and tell me its all going to be ok. It's been kind of a lonely week. Lulu kitty helps, but it's not the same kind of comfort and company I am missing these days. Instead of wishing things were different, I'm trying to learn to appreciate these alone times as moments when I am growing in my independence knowing that I can and do take care of myself quite nicely. There is something to be said about that. Something I don't give myself nearly enough credit for and should.

Purpose

I believe that everyone has a plan and purpose that is given to their life. Some people figure this out early on  while others like myself, take a bit longer to find their way, their path, their purpose. My heart longs for so much more while my head struggles with whether I will ever achieve such things. Some days I feel I am being selfish shooting for stars that seem so far out of reach. I have been blessed with a good life. Shouldn't that be enough? Am I bad person because I want more? I deserve more? I see and believe that there is more for me then this? I don't know what's next for me but I feel there is change coming. I'm ready. I'm willing. I'm open.