Memory Lane

My Mom asked me to go to a craft fair with her on Saturday morning. I'm not much of a crafter, but do enjoy admiring others creativity. The craft fair happened to be at my old High School.  A place I haven't stepped foot in, in nearly 12 1/2 years.

Pulling into the parking lot flooded back memories of the mornings I would pull into school and how much I would regret being there. High School was not a pleasant time for me. I really didn't fit in. I wasn't a nerd, but I wasn't popular either. I had a group of friends, but then I also had "friends" who I thought were friends and they ended up not being so friendly towards me. I remember going home a lot of nights and crying myself to sleep because of rumors that were spread about me. Some were true but others were just plain mean and so completely far from the truth.

I walked the halls of the my high school trying my best to enjoy the time with my Mom, but was completely distracted by all of the memories replaying in my mind. My locker,  home room, The Gym, The cafeteria. Everything seemed so different but yet nothing seemed to have changed either. Cheerleaders were popular when I was in High School. I remember wanting to be one, but never felt pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough. I probably should've tried out for the team but the fear of rejection in front of my peers was too much to handle so I just admired them from afar.

I had two High School crushes. One was a guy who was a year older than me. We would always pass each other in the hall after 2nd period. We would smile at each other but that was about it. He was popular. Played football and basketball. I've run into him a few times since High School, usually at Target and always when I'm looking like CRAP. Awesome. I did have the opportunity to actually talk to him a year or so ago. I introduced myself and he said "I know who you are." I was shocked. Maybe I wasn't as invisible as I thought I was. I never initiated anything more with him after that. I still run into him at Target though. Always rocking the sweatpants. 

My other crush happened to be a guy in my home room. We also shared a few classes together. He made me laugh.  He always had a girlfriend. They were always super pretty and popular. I remember day dreaming of what it would be like to be his girlfriend. When he found out I wasn't going to Prom with anyone, he felt super bad and wished he didn't end up asking a Sophomore. He tried his best to make my night special regardless. I appreciated his effort. His date probably didn't appreciate it though.  I don't think he knew I had a crush on him. but I remember telling him I did after we graduated. He was flattered but gave me the "I always just liked you as a friend" speech. Classic. He moved away, has a son but not married. We are "Friends" on Facebook and that's the extent of it.

My parents divorced when I was a Freshman which didn't really help the whole High School experience  either. I was changing not only physically, and mentally but throwing the emotional piece of enduring a parents divorce was incredibly painful. I felt alone a majority of the time. I was involved in sports my Freshman year but became more of a homebody Sophomore  and Junior year. By Senior year I was so over High School life, that I ended up going to a Community College and took advantage of Post Secondary FREE credits. Seemed like a no brainer to me. Looking back, I realized I missed out on a lot by isolating myself. If I had the chance to do High School differently, I would. But, I made my choices and the experience I had, was had for a reason.

I haven't been to a High School reunion and have no plans to attend one in the future. I have forgiven the people who were mean to me but I have no desire to see them nor try to establish friendships with them now that we are adults. Maybe I am still isolating myself but I don't see the need to rehash things that I have let go from my past.  The people I care to see or talk to on a regular basis I see and talk to. Everyone else can remain in the sea of Facebook.