Tattooing on my brain...

Be OK

I’m a first born, and it’s in my nature to be a planner, organizer, achiever. When things don’t go my way or as planned, my ego takes a big hit, and I feel like a failure. Rejection is also a common theme in my life, and you would think after so many years of let downs, I would be use to hearing the words “No” but yet it still stings my heart, confidence, and soul. I found out last week that I am not eligible for the Short Sale of my home because I was responsible, or in other words, I am still current on my mortgage payments. I am being punished for doing the right thing. Doesn’t seem fair and I’m having a hard time seeing the purpose in this shitstorm of a mess.

Since a majority of my nights are left sleepless, I have spent those times awake having a heart to heart with the Big Guy upstairs. My prayers are filled with tears, frustration and also full on anger. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t angry. Truth is, I’m pissed. I’m way pissed that my life has lead me to this point. If this is a part of His plan for me, I’m having a hard time accepting that His plan for me is filled with heart ache, heart break, tears, and fears. It almost seems like God will give me a taste of my dreams coming true, and then bam, they are all taken away from me and I’m left with a million pieces of a heart to somehow put back together. It’s hard to believe in a God that would allow these type of things to happen to a child he supposedly “Loves.” What am I not seeing? What am I not learning?

I’m not oblivious to the fact that my situation could be a lot worse, because it’s true, it could be. There are millions of other people out there who are in a worse situation then I am, and for that I am thankful. I just feel trapped. I feel like no matter how hard I try, my efforts go unnoticed or they are just plain not good enough. My plate is full. I have more then I can chew. I’m choking and it’s becoming harder and harder to just breathe. I’m not one to beg for anything but my knees are weak. I need an answer, re-assurance that things are going to be ok, that I am going to be ok. That eventually I can feel safe, happy, and secure.

Family History Lesson

Dying from laughter...

Random fun fact though... my great great great great great uncle was William Harrison, who unfortunately passed away after only a few weeks of being President. I think they did a pretty good job depicting his life story, don't you?

Swoon

I have died and gone to heaven. Anthropologie is now carrying Wedding and Bridesmaid dresses!! Even though I'm not in love with a boy, I can still be in love with Anthro and pretend that someday it could be ME wearing one of these GORGEOUS gowns, right??!

This is what Wedding Dress love looks like...



Or this little number...



My Bridesmaid could rock these frocks. I adore this color...


Perfect for a country outdoor Wedding.




They even have gorgeous head pieces...

Vintage Chic


Less is more



Well done, Anthropologie. Very well done.

http://www.bhldn.com/

I've been dating since I was 16, I'm exhausted.... where is HE already??!

As of 6pm on Friday night, I still hadn’t a clue as to what I was going to wear. I was having a major case of a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear syndrome. I finally ended up choosing a simple black and white striped top with a long black jersey cardigan, dark boot cut jeans, and a sparkly necklace and earrings. I spent about 20 minutes fussing with my hair and make up and finally just gave in and said “This is as good as it’s going to get.” I met up with the girls from work who talked me into going on this adventure and we had a pre-event liquid courage shot to get us prepared. We arrived at the Aloft hotel around 8pm, signed in and immediately went to the bar for a drink. I nursed a glass of white wine and started surveying the eligible bachelors. I tried my best not to judge or make pre-conceived notions but it was hard not too and I knew they were doing the same towards me. There were 10 guys, and 11 girls. We all have 5 minute mini dates with each of them. 6 of the mini dates were painful, awkward, and at times I felt like I was having a conversation with myself. I was putting forth all of the effort only to get 1 work answers in return. There were 4 guys who I felt I connected with. We could keep conversation going and even laughed a bit, which I think is a good sign! After each date, I needed to circle yes or no to if I wanted to see them again. I circled yes to 4 guys who I felt I connected with. One of the guys I REALLY liked but I could tell from his body language that I wasn’t his type as after our 5 minutes was up, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. After the dating madness ended, I met up with my friends and we had another drink to compare notes. It didn’t come as a surprise that we all thought the same 4 guys were potential "yes'". We shared stories, laughed to the point of tears, and decided to head out to get some food. We hit up a Wendy’s of all places and continued to share stories and laugh some more. If anything, I had a blast with the girls.

On Saturday morning I logged into my account to confirm my “Yes” connections. Per the instructions, I would be notified if I had any mutual matches by Monday morning as all of the information needed to be entered by Sunday night. I was a little excited to see if I had any mutual matches but also trying hard not to have high expectations. I logged on this morning with butterflies in my stomach, only to be disappointed, once again. No matches. I guess I’m not really shocked, but also a little disappointed. A part of me was expecting this outcome. Despite the disappointment, I am proud of myself that I did this. I am trying to put myself out there, and it’s just not happening for me. I’ll never give up though. I’ll never loose hope that someday, somewhere, the love of my life is waiting for me too. I’m going to keep plugging away, hoping that cupid will shoot me in the ass one of these days and I can finally begin to experience MY version of happily ever after.

Date(s)

What do you do when you fall down? You get back up and try again. I’m stubborn like that. I’ll never give up on finding my version of happily ever after,ever. I'm so persistent in fact that I agreed to go “Speed Dating” tonight. Gulp. Yet another attempt to see what’s out there. I’m a bit nervous. The way I look at it is either way I will have some good stories to share (hopefully with a happy ending) come Monday, which is ironically Valentine’s Day. Bleh. Haven’t even thought about what I am going to wear yet. Ahhhhhh! Wish me luck!

All the Beautiful People

Maybe it’s because I was rarely told I was a pretty girl when I was little, or that I’ve been told that I look beautiful only a handful of times, but there are times when I feel so invisible to the opposite sex. I try not to obsess about it, but it bothers me. I think every little girl and women (even if they deny it) want to feel beautiful, pretty, sexy, cute etc… and to be actually told that you are those things just boosts your self esteem to no end, am I right?

I went out this past Saturday night with some friends from work. When I found out it was going to be at the Seven Lounge which is Downtown, I panicked a bit, as that meant I needed to find an outfit, do my hair and make up and make sure I looked appropriate, or enough to fit in. Even with my greatest attempts to pretty myself up, I walked in and felt completely out of place. I was surrounded by all things shallow and perfect Minneapolis had to offer. There was one girl who was wearing a “Dress” but I would call it a shirt. Remember JLo’s Grammy outfit that had a whole bunch of controversy?? The front of the “Dress” was like that, and the length just barely covered her butt. I mean, seriously, you could see her cheeks. Oh, and did I mention it was white? She paired this outfit with 6 inch hooker heels and basically had the porn star hair and make up. I was thinking 2 things. 1. Put some effing clothes on and 2. I’m kinda jealous that you can wear something like that. Clearly the girl just wanted attention and was going for the shock and awe factor, and it worked. She was getting attention. Every guy in that place was buying her drinks, complimenting her, trying to earn their ticket to take her home. So why on earth do I want that kind of attention? I don’t, I just want to be noticed, period. When you are dealing with girls like that, girls like me don’t stand a chance. I suppose I wouldn’t want that kind of guy who is willing to give that attention to a girl like that either, but like I said, it would be nice to at least be noticed, complimented, maybe a little flirting, or a drink bought.

I tried my best to make the most of the night and elude all things positive but I found myself sitting with my glass of wine, looking at the time and figuring out when I could leave. As much as I want to put myself “Out there” I find it incredibly hard to do so. Call it low self esteem, call it a bad environment to go out and have a good time, but I just call it frustrating. I’m a planner. A goal oriented girl. I set out a task or goal and I will achieve it come hell or high water. I’m determined, dedicated, and passionate when I have my mind set on something. As you can imagine how frustrated I am that this is one thing in my life I can’t achieve… a happy, loving, trusting, romantic relationship. It’s a hard thing to accept that it’s just not happening for me and scary to think that it may not happen either. I’m lonely and even though I have a lot of things to occupy my time to not focus on my loneliness, it’s still there, looming. It would just be nice to have that someone in my life to share life’s blessings and burdens with. Just like my blog title says above, I am trying my best to live my life, find love, and pursuing all things with happiness in my heart. Some days it’s easy, and some days it’s really hard. Just like the Bible says, God never intended for us to live alone and I just hope He keeps that promise to me as I so desire to find someone who completes the missing puzzle piece of my heart.

Moving on

I’m having a tough day that is stemming from a tough weekend. Though I know I am making steps in the right direction, the fear of the unknown is paralyzing me. Last week I was approved for an apartment with a move in date of April 1st. As much as I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life, I am starting to realize what I am leaving behind and I can’t help but feel a sense of failure, even though the circumstances were completely out of my control. When I made the decision to purchase my Condo in 2007 as a single woman, I felt I was making a wise choice. Even with school loans, a car loan and personal debt, society and the economy told me this was a sound investment and that my hard work & determination would yield equity within a few years. I saw this Condo for what it was, freedom and a place to call MY OWN, my attempt at the American Dream. I had tunnel vision and was blinded to the truth of the area. Now that I’ve lived there for nearly 4 years, my eyes are opening to the reality of things and I need to move on, but it’s going to cost me, a lot.

My place was put on the market back in December and within 12 hours I had a cash offer for approximately 80% less then what originally purchased it for. Since I don’t have $80k just laying around, I am trying to do what is called a Short Sale. Everything has been submitted to the bank and now I am just waiting to hear back. I have been told it can take anywhere between 45-60 business days. This has been the longest winter not only with weather but waiting to hear back. After the 45-60 days, they can come back and say “No” to the sale so basically I could just be waiting for nothing. I have made the conscious decision that if that happens, I am letting my place go into Foreclosure. Foreclosure to me feels like failure, and that I wasn’t responsible in my decision to purchase a home. A giant F on my report card for life.

As you can imagine, the stress of everything is tough and the fact that I am doing it 100% alone is even tougher. I struggle daily on whether I am making the right decision now and for my future. I have been working so hard for so long for a place that is loosing value daily and not to mention for a place where I DO NOT feel safe. I desperately want a new and fresh start. A clean slate, a new beginning but I am terrified of all of the legal, financial, and emotional consequences that are about to happen. I pray to God daily for mercy, compassion and understanding not only from Him, but from the Bank. Pretty sad and ridiculous to know that the Bank has so much power over me and the fate of my future.

I spent a majority of my weekend packing, purging, and also fighting myself not to break down in the midst of my boxes and bubble wrap. I know in my heart that is this is the right decision for me, but my head keeps tugging with my conscience and has me doubting my plan. Even though I know there are millions of people going through the same situation right now, and probably even an even worse place then I am, I still feel incredibly alone and that no one could possibly understand what I am going through. People ask how I am doing, and I usually just smile, make a joke to try and light up the situation, but the truth is I’m hurting and I am so scared. There is a pit in my stomach and I just want it to go away.

I’m usually not a person who asks much of anyone. If anything, I’m usually the person who gives more then she should. But, in an attempt to find some peace and comfort, I am hoping I can ask a favor of you, if you are reading this. If you have time and think of it, say a little prayer for me, or send off good thoughts and vibrations. I believe that they work and quite honesty, I need them. I’m running on fumes and desperately need a surge of positivity and support to get me through the next few months. Hopefully in a years time, I can look back at this post and be thankful that I am in a new place both physically and more importantly emotionally.