Maybe it’s because I was rarely told I was a pretty girl when I was little, or that I’ve been told that I look beautiful only a handful of times, but there are times when I feel so invisible to the opposite sex. I try not to obsess about it, but it bothers me. I think every little girl and women (even if they deny it) want to feel beautiful, pretty, sexy, cute etc… and to be actually told that you are those things just boosts your self esteem to no end, am I right?
I went out this past Saturday night with some friends from work. When I found out it was going to be at the Seven Lounge which is Downtown, I panicked a bit, as that meant I needed to find an outfit, do my hair and make up and make sure I looked appropriate, or enough to fit in. Even with my greatest attempts to pretty myself up, I walked in and felt completely out of place. I was surrounded by all things shallow and perfect Minneapolis had to offer. There was one girl who was wearing a “Dress” but I would call it a shirt. Remember JLo’s Grammy outfit that had a whole bunch of controversy?? The front of the “Dress” was like that, and the length just barely covered her butt. I mean, seriously, you could see her cheeks. Oh, and did I mention it was white? She paired this outfit with 6 inch hooker heels and basically had the porn star hair and make up. I was thinking 2 things. 1. Put some effing clothes on and 2. I’m kinda jealous that you can wear something like that. Clearly the girl just wanted attention and was going for the shock and awe factor, and it worked. She was getting attention. Every guy in that place was buying her drinks, complimenting her, trying to earn their ticket to take her home. So why on earth do I want that kind of attention? I don’t, I just want to be noticed, period. When you are dealing with girls like that, girls like me don’t stand a chance. I suppose I wouldn’t want that kind of guy who is willing to give that attention to a girl like that either, but like I said, it would be nice to at least be noticed, complimented, maybe a little flirting, or a drink bought.
I tried my best to make the most of the night and elude all things positive but I found myself sitting with my glass of wine, looking at the time and figuring out when I could leave. As much as I want to put myself “Out there” I find it incredibly hard to do so. Call it low self esteem, call it a bad environment to go out and have a good time, but I just call it frustrating. I’m a planner. A goal oriented girl. I set out a task or goal and I will achieve it come hell or high water. I’m determined, dedicated, and passionate when I have my mind set on something. As you can imagine how frustrated I am that this is one thing in my life I can’t achieve… a happy, loving, trusting, romantic relationship. It’s a hard thing to accept that it’s just not happening for me and scary to think that it may not happen either. I’m lonely and even though I have a lot of things to occupy my time to not focus on my loneliness, it’s still there, looming. It would just be nice to have that someone in my life to share life’s blessings and burdens with. Just like my blog title says above, I am trying my best to live my life, find love, and pursuing all things with happiness in my heart. Some days it’s easy, and some days it’s really hard. Just like the Bible says, God never intended for us to live alone and I just hope He keeps that promise to me as I so desire to find someone who completes the missing puzzle piece of my heart.
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