I’m a first born, and it’s in my nature to be a planner, organizer, achiever. When things don’t go my way or as planned, my ego takes a big hit, and I feel like a failure. Rejection is also a common theme in my life, and you would think after so many years of let downs, I would be use to hearing the words “No” but yet it still stings my heart, confidence, and soul. I found out last week that I am not eligible for the Short Sale of my home because I was responsible, or in other words, I am still current on my mortgage payments. I am being punished for doing the right thing. Doesn’t seem fair and I’m having a hard time seeing the purpose in this shitstorm of a mess.
Since a majority of my nights are left sleepless, I have spent those times awake having a heart to heart with the Big Guy upstairs. My prayers are filled with tears, frustration and also full on anger. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t angry. Truth is, I’m pissed. I’m way pissed that my life has lead me to this point. If this is a part of His plan for me, I’m having a hard time accepting that His plan for me is filled with heart ache, heart break, tears, and fears. It almost seems like God will give me a taste of my dreams coming true, and then bam, they are all taken away from me and I’m left with a million pieces of a heart to somehow put back together. It’s hard to believe in a God that would allow these type of things to happen to a child he supposedly “Loves.” What am I not seeing? What am I not learning?
I’m not oblivious to the fact that my situation could be a lot worse, because it’s true, it could be. There are millions of other people out there who are in a worse situation then I am, and for that I am thankful. I just feel trapped. I feel like no matter how hard I try, my efforts go unnoticed or they are just plain not good enough. My plate is full. I have more then I can chew. I’m choking and it’s becoming harder and harder to just breathe. I’m not one to beg for anything but my knees are weak. I need an answer, re-assurance that things are going to be ok, that I am going to be ok. That eventually I can feel safe, happy, and secure.
2 comments:
oh girl this tore at my heart and i feel your frustration. we are upside down in our house also, so i understand perfectly your issues. that trapped feeling isn't pleasant. don't give up on God. he has a plan even if we can't always see it.
I absolutely get how you are feeling. Its easy to look at other people's circumstances and lives and feel almost discriminated against - that you haven't received that grace, that space, that healing, that breakthrough. Can I just encourage you that He loves you - and will never give you more to deal with, than the capacity He will also offer you to work through it all... He is full of Love and Grace and I'll pray for capacity for you as you push though this all!
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