Moving on

I’m having a tough day that is stemming from a tough weekend. Though I know I am making steps in the right direction, the fear of the unknown is paralyzing me. Last week I was approved for an apartment with a move in date of April 1st. As much as I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life, I am starting to realize what I am leaving behind and I can’t help but feel a sense of failure, even though the circumstances were completely out of my control. When I made the decision to purchase my Condo in 2007 as a single woman, I felt I was making a wise choice. Even with school loans, a car loan and personal debt, society and the economy told me this was a sound investment and that my hard work & determination would yield equity within a few years. I saw this Condo for what it was, freedom and a place to call MY OWN, my attempt at the American Dream. I had tunnel vision and was blinded to the truth of the area. Now that I’ve lived there for nearly 4 years, my eyes are opening to the reality of things and I need to move on, but it’s going to cost me, a lot.

My place was put on the market back in December and within 12 hours I had a cash offer for approximately 80% less then what originally purchased it for. Since I don’t have $80k just laying around, I am trying to do what is called a Short Sale. Everything has been submitted to the bank and now I am just waiting to hear back. I have been told it can take anywhere between 45-60 business days. This has been the longest winter not only with weather but waiting to hear back. After the 45-60 days, they can come back and say “No” to the sale so basically I could just be waiting for nothing. I have made the conscious decision that if that happens, I am letting my place go into Foreclosure. Foreclosure to me feels like failure, and that I wasn’t responsible in my decision to purchase a home. A giant F on my report card for life.

As you can imagine, the stress of everything is tough and the fact that I am doing it 100% alone is even tougher. I struggle daily on whether I am making the right decision now and for my future. I have been working so hard for so long for a place that is loosing value daily and not to mention for a place where I DO NOT feel safe. I desperately want a new and fresh start. A clean slate, a new beginning but I am terrified of all of the legal, financial, and emotional consequences that are about to happen. I pray to God daily for mercy, compassion and understanding not only from Him, but from the Bank. Pretty sad and ridiculous to know that the Bank has so much power over me and the fate of my future.

I spent a majority of my weekend packing, purging, and also fighting myself not to break down in the midst of my boxes and bubble wrap. I know in my heart that is this is the right decision for me, but my head keeps tugging with my conscience and has me doubting my plan. Even though I know there are millions of people going through the same situation right now, and probably even an even worse place then I am, I still feel incredibly alone and that no one could possibly understand what I am going through. People ask how I am doing, and I usually just smile, make a joke to try and light up the situation, but the truth is I’m hurting and I am so scared. There is a pit in my stomach and I just want it to go away.

I’m usually not a person who asks much of anyone. If anything, I’m usually the person who gives more then she should. But, in an attempt to find some peace and comfort, I am hoping I can ask a favor of you, if you are reading this. If you have time and think of it, say a little prayer for me, or send off good thoughts and vibrations. I believe that they work and quite honesty, I need them. I’m running on fumes and desperately need a surge of positivity and support to get me through the next few months. Hopefully in a years time, I can look back at this post and be thankful that I am in a new place both physically and more importantly emotionally.