Faith

I went to Ash Wednesday Church this past Wednesday. Other then Weddings, Baptisms, and an Easter or Christmas Eve service, it was the first time I actually went to Church in nearly 7 years. Here is a Little background of my "Faith" story...

I grew up going to a Lutheran Church. I was baptised, confirmed and went to Church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I became really involved in Youth Group and went on Retreats, Mission Trips, Youth Conferences etc... I decided to go to a Christian College with the intent of being a Missionary. I quickly changed my major to Youth Ministry. In College I was fighting with myself (and I guess with God) in what I truly believed. In that realization, I decided it would be best to change my major to Youth Social Studies with a Counseling minor. I just couldn't justify being a Youth Pastor and leading Youth in their faith journey knowing that deep in my heart, I didn't even know what I believed in. After some personal things transpired, and money quickly ran out, I decided to withdraw from School and started working full time. That was back in 2003 and pretty much since that point, I stopped going to Church, reading my Bible and more or less just turned my back on God.

When I was at Church on Wednesday night, the scripture they were focusing on was Psalm 51:10-12

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Some might say it was the Holy Spirit working in me but something deep in my heart just ached and it wasn't pleasant.

One of the biggest things I've been struggling with in regards to Faith is why do we believe what we believe. As I have matured and grown up so to speak, I struggle with the state of our world and why bad things continue to happen. These bad things aren't necessarily happening to me, but to others around me in the world. If this God is all powerful, all knowing, beginning and end, then why can't he just fix things? Yes, we have free will but how much evil and horrible things can one person, one country, one world handle? Why can't he just give us or more importantly give ME reason to believe other then just because it says so in the Bible. I am searching for tangible proof besides the warm fuzzies.

I've never had a life changing or like altering experience. Perhaps that is what it's going to take for me to believe. Since Wednesday I've prayed that God make his presence known and evident in my life. Show me that He exists. Open my eyes and more importantly my heart that there is a reason to believe. For those of you who pray or believe in the power of prayer, I ask for your prayers as I try to figure this out. I want believe but I don't want it to be forced. Faith should come nauturally, willingly, without a doubt. Right now, I have huge doubts. To say I am a lost sheep is a complete understatement.

New do

I got my hair cut and colored this weekend. Here was my inspiration:


Here is what I look like...


First of all... how amazing does Kelly Osbourne look?! Wowza! Motivation right there to stop putting food in my mouth and start hitting the GYM! I'm still a little torn on whether I like my new look or not. Its short, like 3 inches shorter! I can no longer pull my hair back into a ponytail. I also have bangs now which are constantly in my face. I think that will take some getting use too. I also did a full color so my hair is a LOT blonder! I'm getting to the age where I need to dye my hair. Sigh. I'm still pretty blonde nauturally but I do need to maintain some areas where its a little too dishwatery blonde. So far the response from people has been mixed. Most of the people are saying they like it but you know how sometimes you can sense when people are just being polite? Yeah, that's kind of how I feel right now. They are saying its cute and they like it but it doesn't seem sincere. Maybe its just me being overly senstive and self conscious.What is it about girls and their hair that can make them feel like a million bucks or a complete loser??! Right now I'm somewhere in the middle. It's just hair, it will grow back!

13 years on the 13th

Tomorrow marks 13 years since my parents divorced. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't still affect my life, who I am, what I am, and who I want to be. It's almost like I have two little voices in my head. The one voice says "Jess, you are better then this, you can move from this unfortunate incident and succeed in life." And then there is the other voice, the voice that keeps me trapped that says "You come from a broken home therefore you will always be broken. You will always feel not good enough and constantly struggle to just be happy."

I feel like such a statistic. There are days when I think to myself "I can't believe my parents are divorced." I can't help but wonder how much different my life would be if my parents were still together today? Would I have a weight problem? Would I struggle with low self esteem? Would my relationship with my family be better/worse? Would I have such a hard time in romantic relationships? Would I be struggling in my faith and what I believe? Would I be so unhappy/depressed? So many questions of wondering what if. I try so hard to put my past behind me but it continues to haunt me and I feel paralyzed to be able to let the pain go. Sometimes I feel that moving on and letting go is too much work (emotionally) and it is far much easier to just feel sorry for myself and continue to wish that my life were different. It is so easy for people to say "Suck it up and deal with it Jess." I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just let it go because I think if I did, my life would happen versus me waiting for it to happen.

The month of February has always been an incredibly hard month for me for years and I wish it wasn't. I hate being bitter and angry around this time of year. I wish I could find my bliss and happiness within myself vs. leaning on the crutch of my parents divorce has made me into a bitter and angry person therefore I can never be happy. I've tried counseling, I've read countless self help books, I've done the anti depressants. All quick fixes and at the end of the day, I'm still left with me and the pieces of my broken heart. I'm trying so hard to put them back together but I'm beginning to wonder if this is the life I'm just meant to have? I would hate to think that is the truth but that fear haunts me to no end.

Tapping into my creativity

I've decided I need a hobby, something other than anything to do with any of my 3jobs. I've been trying to figure out what makes me happy and what I enjoy doing and as sad as this is going to sound, I couldn't really pin point anything that truly makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, there are those obvious things that make me (or any girl) happy. Such as shopping, make up, clothes, purses, shoes, wine, bubble baths etc... but I couldn't think of anything tangible such as knitting, cooking, drawing and so on. Sure, I have interests but I guess I have just busied myself with work and always being on the go that I've never really let myself have time for a hobby or for "ME" time.

I keep going back to what the psychic told me a few weeks ago and how I need to tap into my creative side. I've never viewed myself as a creative person, mainly because I've always stereotype creative people as being Designers, Musicians, Artists etc... It also is rather hard for me to stand out as being a creative person given the environment I work in. I am surrounded by extremely talented people who create beautiful things on a daily basis. Their minds are so conceptual that it almost seems like I am on Project Runway everyday.

I've been trying to figure out what creativity I have hiding inside of me and I'm having a hard time digging it out. Any thoughts, suggestions or ideas?? I'm open to any and everything at this point.

How to be lovely

I read the following book this weekend:

Here are some great things and Audrey Hepburn quotes I took from reading this quick book...

Keep things in perspective

Expect less and you wont be disappointed

Be perfectly human

Live without regret

"What would be awful would be to die and look back misreably seeing the bad things, the opportunities missed or what could have been"

Do the best you can

Remember to relax

Eat well

Get plenty of Vitamin C

"We all want to be loved, don't we? Everyone looks for a way of finding love. It's a constant search for affection in every walk of life."

"Romantic love challenges us to become whole, the way nothing else will. We go into it thinking we'll learn about another person, secretly hoping for their stamp of approval. Instead, we end up learning the most about ourselves."

Be willing to get hurt

Mind the male ego

Know what to look for but yet know when to walk away.

"My father leaving left me insecure for life perhaps. I do think there are things and experiences in childhood that form you for the rest of your life."

Believe in miracles
Be present

"I had waited my whole life for the moment to have a child and it finally happened. I'm sure it is great when you are young, but I was 30 and the long wait made it all the sweeter."

No matter how you find them, a friend makes the world a much brighter place. Friends are your chosen family.

Be loyal

Love much, laugh often

Be kind

Listen well

Be genuine

Practice acceptance

Know the difference from being lonely and being alone

Find a peaceful place

Live simply

Be needed

Your heart should be the greatest gift you have to give, but don't be to quick to give it all away to a person who is recklace.

Yes, Miss Audrey Hepburn had an obvious physical beauty to her, but her heart was probably the most attractive. I highly recommend reading this little book. Some great quotes, pictures and all around life lessons.

Things that make you go Hmmmmmm

Here is my Horoscope from today:

"Make some moves toward a better profession or a job that will enable you to use your skills and talents to the fullest. Your future is about to take a turn for the better. A different geographical location looks promising"

Funny... pretty sure the psycic and hand writing analyst I saw a few weeks ago told me the same thing. Coincidence?

1,2,3 strikes and I'm out

I'm done trying to date and meet new people. I'm sick of heartless aholes messaging me rude remarks when a simple "I'm not interested" would suffice. If I am meant to be in a relationship, then that guy will need to find me. Call me bitter, call me angry, call me whatever you like. I'm no longer going to subject myself to such treatment. Sticks and stones break bones and words DO hurt as well. I'm not giving up, I'm just not going to put forth anymore effort because for the last 5 months, my heart has been beating up, even if it was only words typed on a screen. Those words run deep in my heart and I am left questioning myself, "Is it really me?" Whats meant to be, will be.