13 years on the 13th

Tomorrow marks 13 years since my parents divorced. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't still affect my life, who I am, what I am, and who I want to be. It's almost like I have two little voices in my head. The one voice says "Jess, you are better then this, you can move from this unfortunate incident and succeed in life." And then there is the other voice, the voice that keeps me trapped that says "You come from a broken home therefore you will always be broken. You will always feel not good enough and constantly struggle to just be happy."

I feel like such a statistic. There are days when I think to myself "I can't believe my parents are divorced." I can't help but wonder how much different my life would be if my parents were still together today? Would I have a weight problem? Would I struggle with low self esteem? Would my relationship with my family be better/worse? Would I have such a hard time in romantic relationships? Would I be struggling in my faith and what I believe? Would I be so unhappy/depressed? So many questions of wondering what if. I try so hard to put my past behind me but it continues to haunt me and I feel paralyzed to be able to let the pain go. Sometimes I feel that moving on and letting go is too much work (emotionally) and it is far much easier to just feel sorry for myself and continue to wish that my life were different. It is so easy for people to say "Suck it up and deal with it Jess." I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just let it go because I think if I did, my life would happen versus me waiting for it to happen.

The month of February has always been an incredibly hard month for me for years and I wish it wasn't. I hate being bitter and angry around this time of year. I wish I could find my bliss and happiness within myself vs. leaning on the crutch of my parents divorce has made me into a bitter and angry person therefore I can never be happy. I've tried counseling, I've read countless self help books, I've done the anti depressants. All quick fixes and at the end of the day, I'm still left with me and the pieces of my broken heart. I'm trying so hard to put them back together but I'm beginning to wonder if this is the life I'm just meant to have? I would hate to think that is the truth but that fear haunts me to no end.