Faith

I went to Ash Wednesday Church this past Wednesday. Other then Weddings, Baptisms, and an Easter or Christmas Eve service, it was the first time I actually went to Church in nearly 7 years. Here is a Little background of my "Faith" story...

I grew up going to a Lutheran Church. I was baptised, confirmed and went to Church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I became really involved in Youth Group and went on Retreats, Mission Trips, Youth Conferences etc... I decided to go to a Christian College with the intent of being a Missionary. I quickly changed my major to Youth Ministry. In College I was fighting with myself (and I guess with God) in what I truly believed. In that realization, I decided it would be best to change my major to Youth Social Studies with a Counseling minor. I just couldn't justify being a Youth Pastor and leading Youth in their faith journey knowing that deep in my heart, I didn't even know what I believed in. After some personal things transpired, and money quickly ran out, I decided to withdraw from School and started working full time. That was back in 2003 and pretty much since that point, I stopped going to Church, reading my Bible and more or less just turned my back on God.

When I was at Church on Wednesday night, the scripture they were focusing on was Psalm 51:10-12

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Some might say it was the Holy Spirit working in me but something deep in my heart just ached and it wasn't pleasant.

One of the biggest things I've been struggling with in regards to Faith is why do we believe what we believe. As I have matured and grown up so to speak, I struggle with the state of our world and why bad things continue to happen. These bad things aren't necessarily happening to me, but to others around me in the world. If this God is all powerful, all knowing, beginning and end, then why can't he just fix things? Yes, we have free will but how much evil and horrible things can one person, one country, one world handle? Why can't he just give us or more importantly give ME reason to believe other then just because it says so in the Bible. I am searching for tangible proof besides the warm fuzzies.

I've never had a life changing or like altering experience. Perhaps that is what it's going to take for me to believe. Since Wednesday I've prayed that God make his presence known and evident in my life. Show me that He exists. Open my eyes and more importantly my heart that there is a reason to believe. For those of you who pray or believe in the power of prayer, I ask for your prayers as I try to figure this out. I want believe but I don't want it to be forced. Faith should come nauturally, willingly, without a doubt. Right now, I have huge doubts. To say I am a lost sheep is a complete understatement.