I sometimes have to pinch myself because it doesn’t seem real. For once in my life, I am in a healthy relationship. I like him and he likes me. Seems to simple, right? With us, it is. We have our differences and even had our first little tiff last Saturday night, but we were able to discuss it and move on. No drama, just mutual respect and admiration. I ended up unintentionally spending most of last weekend with him. He had little miss with him most of that time too, so in other words… we played house. Might I also add that little miss quite possibly has the capability to melt my heart right out of my body with just one smile? Seriously. Oh, and I suppose P does too, but in a different way. I’m one lucky girl. Anyways…on Sunday night, I was playing with little miss on the floor and P says to me “Did you think 2 months ago you would be spending a Sunday night with your boyfriend and his 7 month old daughter.” I just smiled and said “No, not at all, but I’m glad I’m here.” I got a taste of what life COULD be like if things were to ever get to that point and I have to admit, I liked it… I liked it a lot.
I’ve reached a place in my life where everything seems balanced. Things are so balanced that they seem unbalanced. Even though the stress of my condo is gone, my new worry is what is next for me. I’m so happy right now, that I’m terrified. My biggest fear right now is my happiness. How ridiculous does that sound?!? I struggle with just living in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow. I wish I could just be present, now, today and enjoy what’s in front of me vs. stressing about things that haven’t even unfolded yet. Why must I always be expecting the other shoe to drop or for things to fall apart? Perhaps if I just enjoyed what I have been blessed with and live each moment, in the moment, more blessings would rain down on me? I need to somehow learn to NOT tip the balances in my life and just live wholly and completely for today. Any suggestions on how I can go about doing this bloggie friends?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Out with the OLD, in with the NEW
It’s over. It’s done. I am free, at last! I can finally close a chapter in my life for good.
I woke up yesterday morning and felt incredibly anxious, worried, stressed. I tossed and turned the majority of the night. Like most of my nights have been the past 9 months. I knew in the back of my mind, everything was going to be ok but the worrier in me kept playing the what if’s in my mind. I tried to just focus on breathing, smiling, being happy that it was almost over.
I met my realtor for Breakfast around mid morning and we headed to closing shortly after. We were early, naturally. I was always brought up to believe that early is on time and on time is late. I kept looking at my watch, my phone, the clock on the wall… “Is it 12 yet? Is it over?” Tick, tock, tick, tock. My closer was right on time and brought us back to get me signing my portion of the papers. She read to me every page and what the numbers meant etc… I remember listening to her and thinking in my back of my mind “I have no idea what this means, what I am signing, what is this??.” I feel so uneducated when it comes to owning a home, taxes, what the hell escrow means!! I willingly signed my life away, again except for this time I was divorcing my mortgage vs. marrying it. I was done within 10 minutes. Phew, that was easy… until I realized that my Buyer wasn’t there, yet.
I sat there and stared at my phone, my watch, the clock on the wall again. “Where is he? Is he not coming?? Why isn’t he here yet?” Around 12:20, my realtor received a call from the buyer. He was “Lost.” My blood began to boil. Finally after 45 minutes of waiting, he showed up. He walked in so nonchalant. Like it wasn’t a big deal he was 45 minutes. I wanted to scream at him, but refrained. I just smiled. He signed his papers and then informed the closer that he had a cashiers check and also a money order. For a moment, the closer wasn’t sure if the money order would be accepted. “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!!” I was thinking in my mind. I found this buyer to be so incredibly unprepared and scattered, but whatever. After about 10 minutes of trying to get a hold of someone to approve the money order or not, the final papers were signed, checks were handed over along with keys and I was done. Sigh.
I bought my Condo on April 27th, 2007 for $106,000. The final sale on August 24th, 2011 was $26,000. Makes you sick, doesn’t it? I left closing feeling free, but also I felt a huge sense of failure. I’m trying hard to believe that I didn’t fail at the American Dream but the American Dream failed me.
Today, I still feel anxious but I’m realizing that my mind and body are so use to feeling this way, that I need to re-train it to feel the new normal of not worrying. I have a new life, a new home, a new job, a new boy and I am just going to keep focusing on ALL OF THOSE GOOD THINGS. I’m blessed. I’m so blessed beyond belief. I am so much stronger and wiser because of this whole experience and for that I can’t be anything but thankful. God is good. All the time.
I woke up yesterday morning and felt incredibly anxious, worried, stressed. I tossed and turned the majority of the night. Like most of my nights have been the past 9 months. I knew in the back of my mind, everything was going to be ok but the worrier in me kept playing the what if’s in my mind. I tried to just focus on breathing, smiling, being happy that it was almost over.
I met my realtor for Breakfast around mid morning and we headed to closing shortly after. We were early, naturally. I was always brought up to believe that early is on time and on time is late. I kept looking at my watch, my phone, the clock on the wall… “Is it 12 yet? Is it over?” Tick, tock, tick, tock. My closer was right on time and brought us back to get me signing my portion of the papers. She read to me every page and what the numbers meant etc… I remember listening to her and thinking in my back of my mind “I have no idea what this means, what I am signing, what is this??.” I feel so uneducated when it comes to owning a home, taxes, what the hell escrow means!! I willingly signed my life away, again except for this time I was divorcing my mortgage vs. marrying it. I was done within 10 minutes. Phew, that was easy… until I realized that my Buyer wasn’t there, yet.
I sat there and stared at my phone, my watch, the clock on the wall again. “Where is he? Is he not coming?? Why isn’t he here yet?” Around 12:20, my realtor received a call from the buyer. He was “Lost.” My blood began to boil. Finally after 45 minutes of waiting, he showed up. He walked in so nonchalant. Like it wasn’t a big deal he was 45 minutes. I wanted to scream at him, but refrained. I just smiled. He signed his papers and then informed the closer that he had a cashiers check and also a money order. For a moment, the closer wasn’t sure if the money order would be accepted. “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!!” I was thinking in my mind. I found this buyer to be so incredibly unprepared and scattered, but whatever. After about 10 minutes of trying to get a hold of someone to approve the money order or not, the final papers were signed, checks were handed over along with keys and I was done. Sigh.
I bought my Condo on April 27th, 2007 for $106,000. The final sale on August 24th, 2011 was $26,000. Makes you sick, doesn’t it? I left closing feeling free, but also I felt a huge sense of failure. I’m trying hard to believe that I didn’t fail at the American Dream but the American Dream failed me.
Today, I still feel anxious but I’m realizing that my mind and body are so use to feeling this way, that I need to re-train it to feel the new normal of not worrying. I have a new life, a new home, a new job, a new boy and I am just going to keep focusing on ALL OF THOSE GOOD THINGS. I’m blessed. I’m so blessed beyond belief. I am so much stronger and wiser because of this whole experience and for that I can’t be anything but thankful. God is good. All the time.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Favorite
“You’re my Favorite.”
“Favorite what?”
“Favorite Girl.”
“Does that mean I’m your girlfriend?”
“Yes, I think that does.”
Swoon.
Well, it’s official. The boy and I are boyfriend/girlfriend. But I suppose nothing is really officially official until your Facebook status is changed. That, unfortunately will need to change at a later date. Once the Mama Drama custody agreement is signed, official, legal and complete.
I’m happy. I’m so happy that I’m scared. With anything in life and love, you take risks and the biggest thing I am risking in this game of love is my heart. I still find myself very guarded whenever I’m with him. I’m slowly trying to push those walls down and just let things fall into place the way they are suppose too. He’s great. He makes me smile. Makes me laugh. He calls me beautiful and I truly believe him when he says those precious words. His kisses make my knees weak and his laughter warms my heart. I can’t wait to share more of our love story as it unfolds. :)
“Favorite what?”
“Favorite Girl.”
“Does that mean I’m your girlfriend?”
“Yes, I think that does.”
Swoon.
Well, it’s official. The boy and I are boyfriend/girlfriend. But I suppose nothing is really officially official until your Facebook status is changed. That, unfortunately will need to change at a later date. Once the Mama Drama custody agreement is signed, official, legal and complete.
I’m happy. I’m so happy that I’m scared. With anything in life and love, you take risks and the biggest thing I am risking in this game of love is my heart. I still find myself very guarded whenever I’m with him. I’m slowly trying to push those walls down and just let things fall into place the way they are suppose too. He’s great. He makes me smile. Makes me laugh. He calls me beautiful and I truly believe him when he says those precious words. His kisses make my knees weak and his laughter warms my heart. I can’t wait to share more of our love story as it unfolds. :)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Light and the Tunnel
The past 9 months have been an roller coaster of emotions. Good news, followed by bad news followed by good news followed by more bad news. It’s been never ending. It’s like a bad pregnancy that just wont end. I’m beyond over due. My body is swollen with worry, regret, anger, stress, anxiety etc… it’s become increasingly more difficult to concentrate, sleep, relax, let alone just breathe. I am reaching the end of this long and painful journey. Closing is scheduled for next Wednesday at 12:30pm. As excited as I am that I have been given a date, I am still cautiously optimistic as until those papers are signed, keys handed over, transaction accepted and complete, I will not raise a glass in celebration.
The past 18 months have been rough, tough, and everything in between. Emotionally, I feel weak but mentally I am realizing how incredibly strong I really am. I have learned tremendous amounts of patience throughout everything, and just when I think I can’t bare to stand another minute of it all, I somehow find the strength to keep moving forward. I have learned to find hope in hopelessness, joy in negativity, happiness during times of sorrow and uncertainty. God has tested my trust in Him and I can honestly say I feel and have felt myself change, for the better, throughout this whole process. Though my thoughts and plans on how this SHOULD’VE turned out are different, His plans always outweigh my own.
It is with every faith and hope I have inside me, that this time next week, I will no longer be a homeowner. A bittersweet feeling but one I am happy to feel none the less. This chapter is ready to be shut, and my new, bright, positively filled future anxiously awaits me.
The past 18 months have been rough, tough, and everything in between. Emotionally, I feel weak but mentally I am realizing how incredibly strong I really am. I have learned tremendous amounts of patience throughout everything, and just when I think I can’t bare to stand another minute of it all, I somehow find the strength to keep moving forward. I have learned to find hope in hopelessness, joy in negativity, happiness during times of sorrow and uncertainty. God has tested my trust in Him and I can honestly say I feel and have felt myself change, for the better, throughout this whole process. Though my thoughts and plans on how this SHOULD’VE turned out are different, His plans always outweigh my own.
It is with every faith and hope I have inside me, that this time next week, I will no longer be a homeowner. A bittersweet feeling but one I am happy to feel none the less. This chapter is ready to be shut, and my new, bright, positively filled future anxiously awaits me.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Life, Love, & MORE Pursuits of Happiness.
It's funny how when you let go of what you thought you wanted, you end up getting exactly what you need. Life has a way of working it's self out. Weird.
"I like you, Jessica. I like you A LOT." It's like a beautiful symphony to my ears and more importantly, my heart. He makes me blush. He makes me nervous, but in a good way. He makes me smile just a little bit brighter with just being himself. I like him, I like him A LOT, too.
I can't believe it's August. State Fair starts in 2 weeks which means Summer is over in approximately 3. Why do Summers go way too fast and Winters way too slow? Possible positive side affect of a long cold winter, is I MAY just have someone to cuddle up with. I'm dwelling in those possibilities.
The short sale has been approved, now just small logistical things need to be worked out before closing happens. I have until August 26th to close, otherwise I risk losing my buyer and also that damn F word (Foreclosure) is more of a reality. I desperately need this chapter to be closed. Quite honestly, I don't know how I am functioning. I'm beyond feeling anything but anger, resentment, fear when it is surrounding anything to do with my Condo. It needs to be done. Now. I have decided that once everything is over with, I will be throwing myself a "Freedom Festival" party. People have open houses to celebrate their new home... I'm having a party because I will be getting out of mine. Seems appropriate.
I'm heading up to the lake Thursday-Monday. I'm really looking forward to spending time AWAY from the hustle and bustle of the city for a few days. I'm hoping for good weather so I can enjoy time on the water, although sleeping in a hammock while reading a book sounds pretty magical too. I will eat, drink, and be merry no doubt. Hope to catch up on some sleep too. This summer has been rather restless.
I'm learning the power of the word "No" and it feels amazing. For so many years, I thought I needed to please everyone by always saying "Yes." I didn't want to disappoint, hurt, or upset anyone. Truth is, I was only disapointing, hurting and upseting myself. It's empowering. This year has a been a year of firsts for me. I'm standing up for myself more and I can literally feel myself become emotionally stronger. Funny how when you think you are weak, truth is, you are actually very strong. I am eager to see what the next few months and years will bring. I have a strong feeling that my late 20's and early 30's are going to be all things fabulous! Yay!
"I like you, Jessica. I like you A LOT." It's like a beautiful symphony to my ears and more importantly, my heart. He makes me blush. He makes me nervous, but in a good way. He makes me smile just a little bit brighter with just being himself. I like him, I like him A LOT, too.
I can't believe it's August. State Fair starts in 2 weeks which means Summer is over in approximately 3. Why do Summers go way too fast and Winters way too slow? Possible positive side affect of a long cold winter, is I MAY just have someone to cuddle up with. I'm dwelling in those possibilities.
The short sale has been approved, now just small logistical things need to be worked out before closing happens. I have until August 26th to close, otherwise I risk losing my buyer and also that damn F word (Foreclosure) is more of a reality. I desperately need this chapter to be closed. Quite honestly, I don't know how I am functioning. I'm beyond feeling anything but anger, resentment, fear when it is surrounding anything to do with my Condo. It needs to be done. Now. I have decided that once everything is over with, I will be throwing myself a "Freedom Festival" party. People have open houses to celebrate their new home... I'm having a party because I will be getting out of mine. Seems appropriate.
I'm heading up to the lake Thursday-Monday. I'm really looking forward to spending time AWAY from the hustle and bustle of the city for a few days. I'm hoping for good weather so I can enjoy time on the water, although sleeping in a hammock while reading a book sounds pretty magical too. I will eat, drink, and be merry no doubt. Hope to catch up on some sleep too. This summer has been rather restless.
I'm learning the power of the word "No" and it feels amazing. For so many years, I thought I needed to please everyone by always saying "Yes." I didn't want to disappoint, hurt, or upset anyone. Truth is, I was only disapointing, hurting and upseting myself. It's empowering. This year has a been a year of firsts for me. I'm standing up for myself more and I can literally feel myself become emotionally stronger. Funny how when you think you are weak, truth is, you are actually very strong. I am eager to see what the next few months and years will bring. I have a strong feeling that my late 20's and early 30's are going to be all things fabulous! Yay!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Show me your teeth
It's that time of year again. The time to set aside our differences and just sit down together and watch Shark Week. Yes, I'm super nerdy but I.LOVE.SHARK.WEEK. Unfortunately I don't have cable, so I am watching clips online here and there and stopping by my Mom's on occasion to watch shows On Demand. I don't know what it is about Sharks but I am absolutely fascinated by them. They instill in me fear and respect but at the same time I just want to touch them and swim with them. It's weird. I'm a huge nerd. I know you're jealous.
Happy Shark Week!
Happy Shark Week!
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