Self Realizations

The past few weeks, I have been dealing with a lot of grown up things. In dealing with these things, I have also realized a lot about myself and I’d like to share my self realizations with you now….

1.I am a lot stronger then I think I am. Yes, I have my moments of weakness, nearly daily but the truth is, I am a fighter and I will win this battle and when I do, it will be the biggest thing I have accomplished in my life, yet. Can’t wait until I am at that finish line.

2.It’s ok to cry. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of being overwhelmed and for me, taking ownership of my life. I cry because I am grieving the loss of a life I thought I would have at this point. I cry because I feel scared, alone, and afraid. I cry because I want it to go away. I cry because I want a 2nd chance at life. I cry because I want a new beginning to actually LIVE my life vs. feel like I am slave to it.

3.I am organized, like REALLY OVERLY organized. All my T’s are crossed and my I’s are dotted. You kind of need to be in this situation.

4.I am impatient but I learning to listen to my heart and to listen to the lessons I am being taught. All of these roadblocks are opportunities to learn and grow. Instead of being angry and frustrated, I am trying my best to slow down and listen.

5.Laughter really is the best medicine. No matter what, I try to smile and laugh each and everyday, even if it takes every effort too.

6.I am learning to love and accept people where they are at. Going through this tough time makes me wish I could wear a sign around my neck that says “Be gentle with me, I am hurting” because sometimes people can be so blind to the reality of things. I am learning to be more kind to people as they too may be going through a tough time and just are really good at hiding it. Everybody has aches and pains. Everybody has had a broken heart. It will do us all some good to remember to be gentle and kind to everyone because you never really know what they are going through.

7.I am truly, TRULY loved by my family. If they could, I know they would trade places with me. Having that love and support is wonderful. It’s hard not to get emotional when you think of how loved, wanted, needed, cherished and adored you truly are.

8.Exercise is key to releasing stress. I love Zumba for this and I plan on continuing this love affair far after I am through this icky mess.

9.I have a hard time letting go. I tend to look back more when I should be looking forward. I continue to play the “What if’s” in my head when all I really should be doing is letting go. I’m learning though, and unfortunately the hard way.

10.God has a way of breaking you so He can rebuild. I’m not sure how much more broken I can be or get, but my arms are open and just praying that He gather me up soon. He brought me to this and I hope that He will bring me through it just the same. Everything is temporary. A comforting thought knowing that this too, shall pass.

Single girl rules of thumb

I was watching Hawaii 5-O last night (only channel that would come in) and this particular episode was about a serial killer. It dawned on me after the show was over that watching that show, as a single girl, who lives by herself, just before bedtime, was probably not the wisest choice. I already have trouble sleeping at night and throwing this into the mix didn't help. I tossed and turned and convinced myself that every noise I heard was someone trying to break into my place. Lesson learned. Don't watch stupid crime/murder/csi shows before you go to bed.

Seeing the miracles

I’ve been surrounded by a lot of negativity lately and unfortunately that’s all I can seem to blog about. Believe it or, I strive to be the total opposite of being negative. I try to see the good in people, in situations, in life but sometimes it’s just to effing hard to smile and see the good, when your head and your heart feel otherwise. The Holidays have always been a rather difficult time for me for many reasons. Even though it is suppose to be a joyful and happy time, for me it’s a very lonely and hard time. This year is no exception. I have a lot on my plate and I’m just trying to digest everything.

As I reflect back on 2010, it unfortunately has been one of the most difficult years to date in my adult life. As much as I am looking forward to it ending, I am even more anxious and terrified of what 2011 will bring. I’ve always been a sentimental person and tend to look back more when I should be looking forward. I tend to remember good memories, bad memories, silly memories, and life changing memories. I am trying so hard to just focus on good. Despite a very emotionally exhausting year, God brought me to it and is continuing to bring me through it for a reason. I’m trying to see the miracles. The everyday miracles that life brings us each and every day. That even when my world is caving in that there is still hope and there is still miracles happening to me and around me.

I’m not sure what my future holds at this point but I am trying my hardest to stay positive and to see the good. The everyday miracles and to be thankful for everything I have.


(Picture courtesy of BraveGirlsClub.com)

I'm officially old

I don't hide the fact that I dislike the Dentist. I dislike so much in fact that if I had to choose between the girly Doc and the Dentist, I'd choose girly Doc all the way. Today was my 6 month cleaning and I found out I need not one but TWO crowns, and it's not because I'm a princess. Efffffff. Also found out that these Crowns are expensive. $400-$500 each. I'm not really in a position to to be putting a grand into my mouth. I know life is expensive but GEEZUS... $1000 for my teeth??! I have so many other BETTER ideas of where that money could go to. Merry Christmas, Jessica! Love, your Dentist.

The Only Exception

I keep waking up to this song when my alarm goes off in the morning. It also seems to come on the radio when I am in my car. Hmmm... is the Universe trying to tell me something OR am I just a weirdo that reads into stuff like this too much?

Oh Liam, how you make my heart pitter patter.

My International crush Liam just called. I’ve only met him once before in person. Before we met, I always had this vision of what he would look like. Tall, dark, and ruggedly handsome. He would also smell amazing. I met him and he was the exact opposite. Shorter, sandy blonde hair and kind of scrawny but a great taste in fashion. We have flirted back and forth via email and a few phone calls, but he is one of those guys you can’t quite figure out… 1. Is he straight? And 2. Is he married? Either way, he is incredibly charming and kind so much so that he makes me blush even over the phone. Oh, if only I knew the answer to those 2 questions! Isn’t it every girls fantasy to have some passionate love affair with an International squeeze? Since Prince William is engaged to Kate, it’s time I move on to a more realistic catch… that is if he isn’t already caught, or swinging for the other team.

My wish list...

-Un-necessary debt controlled, in fact diminished. I see the light, but still a ways to go.

-Snow boots, cute ones.

-A real piece of jewelry. Diamond earrings, necklace, something sparkly.

-The ability to just work one job.

-Laptop

-Spa package (Massage, Pedicure, Manicure)

-Someone to do my hair and make up everyday

-Cable.

-Zumba classes for a year!

-New work out gear!

-A warm weather vacation during January/February.

-A date… maybe with Joe Mauer (Hey… a girl can dream right?) but at this point, I’m ok with just a date in general.

-Someone to kiss on New Years.

-A new place to live (more to come on this in a future blog).

-Peace of mind.

-Love, Joy, and overall happiness for myself and those who I love and care for deeply.

Handle with care

I had my yearly exam this morning. I was a bit nervous for it as the results from last years exam weren’t so great, but the one thing I look forward to the most is talking with my Midwife/Nurse practitioner. Weird, I know, but I just love her. For whatever reason I just felt like today was going to be a break down day. I felt tears burning in my eyes as I waited for my name to be called but managed to hold them back. Normally my Dr. will come in before the actual exam and just go through what has been going on in the past year. Not just with my health but in life. I think it is amazing that she actually cares enough to ask and see where I am, emotionally. I shared with her my recent heartache and break and other stresses I’ve been dealing with. I managed to keep strong for most of the pre-exam questions but then she asked “How are you on the inside, Jess?” And I could’t hold it in anymore. I broke down. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes about anything and everything.

My yearly exam turned into a full on therapy session. It felt good to talk to someone and just word vomit what’s been on my mind and more importantly my heart. Depression is something I have dealt with in the past and I am very educated on what it means to be depressed and what it means to just be blue. Right now, my emotional state is just blue. I’ve always been the “Strong” one. The person who keeps plugging away and usually with a smile on her face. The person who puts everyone else’s needs above her own. A person who is even guilty of tolerating ill treatment/borderline emotional abuse because she wanted so desperately for things to work out. Truth is, I’m hurting. The past 8 months have been a roller coaster, and in fact, nearly half of my life has been unsettling. I feel like I live in a world where I am not allowed to grieve. Something tragic happens and I’m suppose to pick myself back up and keep moving on. I’m suppose to just get over it because I am better then that and deserve more. I am not allowed to feel down, or sad and if I do, there’s a pill for that. I self medicate by keeping myself busy with work. Not only because I financially need to work, but because work to me is a vacation from the reality of my situation. If I keep myself busy with things to occupy my time, then I wont have time to actually deal with my pain, my hurt.

When I was a little girl, I had a vision of what my life would look like. I would grow up with both parents, go to college, get a great job, fall in love, get married, have a family and live my version of happily ever after. Perhaps a part of me is dealing with the loss of my childhood dream of what my life would look like. The countless heartbreaking moments have no doubtedly made me a stronger person but I am still broken. I haven’t allowed myself to grieve and it is clearly affecting my life today and the decisions I make. Some of my readers may read this and think that I am just having a pity party, and you’re right, I am. But you know what… it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. It’s OK to hurt, it’s OK to be angry and it’s OK to grieve. Perhaps if we actually LET ourselves feel what we need to feel then maybe true healing can begin.

Self esteem boost

Today I was sitting in a meeting with my boss and her direct reports. Normally it is just business as usual discussion, but today we decided to do something a bit different. My boss asked for us to go around the room and for a minute straight, everyone was suppose to say all of the things they like about that other person. As much as I like to know that I am appreciated, I get terribly embarrassed when put in the spotlight. My turn was first, of course, and 3 of my co-workers including my boss spent a few minutes expressing how important I am to them and what they appreciate and admire in me. It was hard not to get choked up, because I never realized how appreciated I am. Here are a few of the things they said…

Incredibly kind
Sincere
Always willing to help
You remain positive no matter the circumstance
You are the glue that holds us together
Honest
Trustworthy
Loyal
Empathetic
Approachable
Light hearted
Funny
Optimistic

Some of the words they used to describe me, I don’t feel I am or maybe I feel I should be better at, but it was nice to know that this is how I am perceived and thought of. My work is my home away from home, and it’s nice to know that my work family thinks I’m pretty great. What a wonderful feeling.

All I'm after is some Thursday laughter

The highlight of my life lately has been 30 Rock on Netflix. Jenna Maroney is by far my favorite character. Laughter is the best medicine.

Family Portrait

I'm having an "I miss my family and the way things use to be" day.

I miss being little. I miss not having a care in the world. I miss playing catch with my Dad across the street until it was dark. I miss forcing my brother to play house outside. I miss my Mom making french toast on Saturday mornings and watching cartoons. I miss family dinners, car rides to Pine City, stories before bed, and all the hugs and kisses. My parents weren't perfect. They were young when they had me and 4 years later had my brother. They struggled but we were never without. We didn't take yearly vacations to anywhere exotic, but our memories we shared at home were priceless. My parents split after only 13 years of marriage but the picture above is a snapshot of what I will forever hold onto. All the happiness and love that was felt.

Just me

I may not be everyone's first choice...

But I am a good choice.

I don't pretend to be someone I'm not...

Because I am best at being myself.

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

This little girl is probably the most inspirational thing I have come across in awhile. I so wish I could go back to her age and see the world through her eyes. So innocent, so sweet, so unaware but yet without a care in the world. Her happiness is her number one priority and as you can see, she loves herself, her life, and everything around her to no end. Ironically, her name is Jessica. If she is able to look into the mirror and loves what she sees, then there is no reason why I can't do the same. What is your daily affirmation?

A no title post

Emotionally detaching yourself from someone is probably one of the hardest things a person can do. You love them but you know it isn’t right, yet you hold onto the good memories and you can’t help but ask “Why can’t it work out?” I miss my best friend and this just sucks that we can’t be in each others lives anymore. I promised myself that I wont let my tears be the confetti in my pity party for one anymore, so I’m trying my best to be strong but yet I still get the sting from time to time. 5 years is a long time. I grew into an adult with him. He brought out the best and worst in me. I can honestly say that out of all the people I have loved and lost in my life, he is the one I TRULY loved, whole heartedly , unconditionally, no matter what. And now I am forced to move on? I feel lost, broken, hurt, confused. Trying so hard to trust that God has bigger and better plans for me.

My Dad told me last night that he is proud of the fact that I can take care of myself and have been for several years. Little does he know that I have been taking care of myself since he decided to Divorce my Mom, Brad and myself 14 years ago. I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore. I sat at his kitchen table last night and it was taking serious effort to keep a conversation going. It shouldn't be like that. It hurts my heart that this is the life he choose, a life that doesn’t really include me in it unless it’s convenient for him. It’s hard to love someone where they are at, especially when they are your own father.

It’s November? F. Where the heck did this year go? Each year goes by faster then the year before and as I get older, the more panicked and anxious I become. Trying really hard just to focus and take care of me. It’s hard when your hearts desire is to have companionship and a family. As pathetic as this is going to sound, I got a little choked up handing out candy on Halloween. I saw all the little kids and how cute they were and their mommy's and daddy's walking with them hand in hand, taking pictures etc...My heart ached because I want so badly to have a little family of my own and for me to take them out trick or treating and to experience other milestone events. I know that marriage and being a parent isn't a bed of roses. I just feel like there is a piece of my life that is missing. When will my time come? I haven’t given up, I just hope God hasn’t forgotten or given up on me either.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Billie Holiday lately. That right there should explain my emotional state. A little down, blue, lonely but still hopeful. I see the light. Albeit a little flicker, it’s there and I’m ready for it to shine.

Grandma.

It’s hard to put into words how much I love you. Since the day I was born, we have always had a very special relationship and an unbreakable bond. I hold my relationship with you closest to my heart. You mean the world to me and I’d be lost without you.

I can remember when I was younger, all I wanted to do was be a grown up. Now that I’m a grown up, all I want to do is be little again. Somewhere between now and then, life happened, and I find myself in my late twenties trying to figure everything out. Considering everything, I am pretty proud of the fact that I have made a life for myself and I’m staying afloat. I couldn’t be who I am today without your unconditional love and support. I know there have been times when you have been concerned if I was making the right decision. There are still times when I even ask myself, “What did I get myself into?” But all in all, you have ALWAYS been there for me and have been my biggest cheerleader through it all. You always believe in me when I find it hard to believe in myself. Your encouragement and ability to make me smile up when I’m feeling down is truly a gift, and always appreciated.

One of the many things I have learned from you throughout the years is your love for your family and your generosity that stems from that love. Though we are not perfect and each of us has our flaws, your love, loyalty, and generosity to each and every family member is something to admire. I know I am still “Young” and have plenty of time to start a family but each year I am getting older, the more I am yearning to start a family of my own. My childhood memories up at the Farm and Holiday traditions are ones that I will treasure for a lifetime. I truly hope someday when I start a family of my own that those traditions will still be alive and new memories will be made. It is because of you and Mom that I value tradition and hope that it will be something we can continue to share for years to come.

I don’t say it nearly enough but I love you Grandma, more than words could ever fully express. You are my world, my heart, my everything. You will forever and always be my "Grandma Sweetie."

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

I went to a party last night,and it was called Zumba!! For 60 straight minutes, I danced my bootilicious butt off. There were times when I thought I was going to die but for the most part, I had a blast. I am WAY out of shape but hopefully in a few weeks, my heart and lungs will be up to Zumbastic speed! I took dance from age 4 until 10th grade. I never thought of myself as being a great dancer, but I did love to dance and always had a good time doing it. Last night, I realized how uncoordinated I am (or how much coordination I have lost over the years) I kinda felt like Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly" in this scene...



Anyone know of any good Salsa places in Minneapolis?? I would LOVE to go salsa dancing sometime!! Who's in??!

Grandma's Wedding Dress

I went up to my Grandma's on Saturday and helped her clean out her closet. We came across her wedding dress that is 62 years old. A little wrinkled and faded, it was still beautiful. Unfortunately, I never knew my Grandpa, as he passed away of a heart attack when he was 59 (I was just over a year old). My Grandma talks about him from time to time, and even more so lately. She misses him and says she is ready to see him again. The selfish part of me wants her to be around forever, or at least long enough to see me get married and have my first baby. I have always been extremely close with her, and I can't imagine her not being here, but I can see in her eyes that she is tired, and ready for heaven.

Here are some pictures I was able to take. I have this cool application called "Retro Photo" which makes your photos look vintage. This particular camera made your pictures look like polaroids. Kinda neat...

Beautiful beading on the back of the dress


Veil


Close up beading... 26 beads total.


As much as I'd like to clean her dress and wear it myself if I ever get married, I don't think I could ever get down to a size 2 (That's how small she was when she married my Grandpa at 20 years old). I hope to someday try and incoporate her dress into my own wedding dress. My only hope and wish is she is around to see that happen.

Women, Food, God

By recommendation of my friend Melissa, I was encouraged to read Women, Food, God by Geneen Roth. It's a quick read and I highly recommend this book for any Woman who has ever struggled with weight or body image issues.(Let's be honest, I think every lady has struggled with this at some point in their lives)

A few thoughts on this book and self realizations...

As long as I can remember, I have always been a bigger girl. I've struggled with my weight since I was very young. I remember as early as 4 years old being told that I was chubby and should be put on a diet. Constantly being criticized by family and even bullied a little bit in school by peers. Food was my enemy along with being my friend. I went to food for comfort. When I was sad, I would eat, when I was happy, I would eat. I remember being told and even recently "You have such a pretty face, Jess... if only you could loose that weight, then you would have it all." As you can imagine, this negative reinforcement lead me down a self destructive path of compulsive eating that has followed me into my adult life. I am by no means placing the blame on these people and even family members who said hurtful and discouraging things, but I am trying to explain perhaps the reasoning behind my painful journey in dealing with my weight. I have tried many diets and even had success with a few. But at the end of the day, they ultimately led me to gain the weight back.

In the past 2 years I have managed to loose 30 lbs and gain approximately 12 of those 30 lbs back. I made the decision a few weeks ago that I need to get back on the wagon, but I was just looking for the motivation and drive within to take on this battle again. Melissa's recommendation of this book couldn't have come at a more perfect time. The instant I starting reading this book, I feel like it was written to me for me. I totally relate to everything she was saying. This is going to sound totally low self esteem of me to say but for the longest time (and even still today at times) I always felt like I was single because I was overweight. That no one was ever going to see past the physical part of me. The whole "Such a pretty face" line has replayed time and time again through my head, that if I just lost the weight, I would be happy, then I would find a boyfriend, fall in love, get married, have a family and live happily ever after. I totally believed (and still do at times) that crazy and absurd lie.

The whole purpose and point of her book is to make you realize that its not about the weight, but it is about the weight. The physical weight of your heart and how it plays tricks on you and your mind into believing ridiculous lies. All in all, realizing that you need to listen to your body. Truly listen to yourself. When you are "Hungry" what are you hungry for? Are you hungry because you haven't eaten, or are you hungry because you are feeling low, sad, alone, stressed, overwhelmed or all of the above? She encourages meditation and really becoming in tune with yourself. Being a crazy busy person and often running a million miles a minute most days (as are most women) we often forget to take care of ourselves, or in other words "Listen" to what our bodies are telling us. She also encourages not to diet, but instead listen to your body and not to deprive yourself of anything because the "Rules" of dieting restrict therefore your mind tells you that if you have that cookie, you are bad and a failure because you fell off of the diet wagon. The whole cliche of everything in moderation and just all around taking care of yourself. Seems simple enough, right? It should be. I think Women put so much pressure on ourselves to be thin because that is what the world expects of us. Instead of telling people that they need to loose 10-20-30 or however many pounds, perhaps we need to focus on being healthy and finding what our realistic ideal weight should be and just live our lives.

This is whole new outlook for me and I am encouraged, motivated, and inspired to take this approach going forward. We shall see what happens. In the mean time, go pick up this book. I believe it to be an important book to add to any women's collection. Enjoy and hopefully you find as helpful as I have.

Monday inspiration

It's amazing how life has a way of slapping you in the face and making you realize how incridibly lucky and blessed one is. This guy is an inspiration to us all. Warning: You WILL cry. Hopefully happy and thankful tears. Enjoy.

De-Motivators

You know those posters that have some inspirational picture on them with some lame motivational saying under it? Do you pretty much just laugh to yourself and think "Lame." Yeah, me too. My mom introduced me to this website called Despair.com a few years ago. It's whole purpose is to De-motivate you. Here are some of my favorite posters that I need to surround myself with, at all times. (In all seriousness, this is in good fun. I am by no means this negative of a person... well maybe just sometimes.) Enjoy!

Duh!


No doubt


Well put



Speaking the truth



Couldn't agree more



In addition to the motivational posters, the CEO also created some very inspirational videos that really leave you with warm fuzzies inside.

Free to be me.

Something happened yesterday that left a sour taste in my mouth. I ran to Target yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I walked in and I saw a girl who was wearing a sweater (dress) that barely covered her butt and see through tights. I was shocked. This girl totally caught me off guard. She was beautiful but her whole outfit just was just wrong, on so many levels. Her outfit was screaming "LOOK AT ME!!" It bugged me. It bugged me so much that I couldnt stop thinking about it the rest of the afternoon and evening. Why was this girls outfit bothering me so much??! I didnt know her. Why can't I just pass this girl off as having low self esteem and just an attention starved person who will stop at nothing to get noticed.I mulled over this the entire night. I couldnt get the image out of my head, why?? I've come to the conclusion that I am just jealous. Not jealous of her whorish outfit, but the fact that she has the courage and self esteem to tell the world "Hey... look at me!! I'm hot!!" Something I lack. Granted I have enough respect for myself to cover my butt with proper garments, but this girl's self image and esteem is so high that she could care less what others think. I'm envious of that. I want that. I've never experienced, that.

I think every girl struggles with their self esteem and image at some point in their lives and if they are lucky, they have the love and support to get through it. I on the other hand, dont feel I have been so lucky. I've always struggled with just fitting in. I feel as if I've never been accepted for me, ever. Not even from my own family. There has always been something "wrong" with me and until I fix my supposed "problems" I'll never achieve what life has in store for me. I've put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, that I'm loosing my idenity. I don't even know who I am anymore, in fact, I'm not sure if I ever really did.

Perhaps I am still processing my thoughts and feelings from the recent break up, but the truth is, I've never been loved and supported (or felt the love and support) I've needed to be me. Growing up I wasn't allowed to cry or feel sorry for myself. I was forced to wipe my tears and just suck it up and deal. I'm tired of sucking it up and dealing with it because there is no dealing with anything. The dealing part of things just brushed under the rug and tucked away, deep in my heart. I was never told I was good enough, smart enough, capable enough, pretty enough. I was ralely told that my parents were proud of me instead that I should be better, could be better. I was never given the tools to stand up for myself, instead learned coping mechanisms of being a people pleaser and a complete push over. I tolerate ill treatment, because in my mind, it's better then no treatment at all.

I'm sure you are thinking "Man Jess... stop it, change now and be better." I'm thinking the same thing. Everytime I feel I have taken a step forward in the right direction in learning to love myself, something happens and I instantly take 3 steps back. It seems to be an impossible race, and its mostly against myself. There is the Jess that wants so desperately to break through and be that girl that says "Hey... LOOK AT ME!!! I'M GREAT! I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM. But the timid, coward Jess always wins with looming low self esteem.

So what does this mean? What are my next steps? As always, I just keep plugging away. Striving to be better. Trying desperately to push through the ickiness so I can enjoy life. The life I was always meant to live. I listened to a song yesterday that really touched my heart. Ironically it was from Garfunkel and Oates in which this song is completely out of character for them. Their words are beautiful. Words I needed to hear my whole life. No better time then the present, I suppose.



Lyrics to As You Are by Garfunkel and Oates

Sit back, you don't have to work so hard
It makes me tired to watch you try
Relax, you already played your cards
And I know which ones are a lie

It makes me really sad to see
The things you think you have to be
Just to be enough for me
When you already are

Why can't you just look at you
In the same way that I do?
Through all that's false and all that's true
I like you, as you are

I know that you can get sad sometimes
I see it mostly when you smile
Let go of all of your supposed crimes
Just be with me for a while

I know this may be hard to hear
But all your tricks are really clear
I see right through your slick veneer
To the secret life you hide

Why can't you just look at you
In the same way that I do?
Through all that's false and all that's true
I like you as you are

Take me in
Believe me when I say
You're more than just okay
You're perfect as you are

Day Dreaming...

I subsribe to HOUSE BEAUTIFUL (Yes, I'm officially a nerd and getting old). I mostly browse through the catalog for inspiration but usually end up fantasing about what I wish my home looked like... enter my dream home below:

Hello Gorgeous


Bliss


So cute, I could burst


Pink Fridge?? Uhh, yes please!


Effortless chic


So fresh, so clean.


Pink Patio, enough said.


Day dreaming the day away... hoping my dreams become a reality someday.


(All pictures courtesy of HouseBeautiful.com)

I'm in love with Garfunkel and Oates

Warning: If you don't have a sense of humor or the ability to laugh at sarcasm then this blog isn't for you...

I'm in love with Garfunkel and Oates. I liken them to Flight of the Concords but the cute and more girly version. This video made me crack up. No offense to my beautiful preganant friends or friends who have had children. I love you all, dearly but this totally made me laugh out loud.



Check out their website and listen to their other songs! They are a hoot!

www.garfunkelandoates.com/music/

Me against the music

Favorite song from the night. The Choreography is amazing (Same as Britney's). Totally makes me want to get back into shape and dancing for that matter. HOT!

Starting over

The past few weeks (honestly, the past 6 months) have been beyond emotionally draining. Extreme highs followed by even lower lows. Not only has my heart been beat up, but my mind and body are exhausted and turning on each other by getting sick and just feeling all around crumby. I hate the fact that I let someone control my emotions. I hate the fact that I trusted him with everything and not only was that trust broken, but I no longer trust, anyone. I am so jaded. So bitter. So angry. All of these emotions do not look good on me and I so desperately wish I could just snap my fingers and be happy again. I miss Jess. I don't even know who Jess is anymore.

A friend introduced me to this website www.bravegirlsclub.com a few weeks ago. I signed up for their "Daily Truth" emails for a little inspiration. A little pick me up when everything in my body just wants to feel down and sorry for myself. I got this "Daily Truth" from them on Friday and it hit me straight in my heart and I'd like to share with it you now.

Dear Authentic Girl,

If emotional funks didn't show up in our lives from time to time, we probably wouldn't stop at look at what we are doing, how are doing it, and what the consequences are of being off track. Funks kind of stop us in our tracks... even though they feel yucky, and sometimes scary... they stop us and make us think. They also make us appreciate happiness so much more once the funk is over.

Don't be afraid of funks. Sure they are highly annoying... they show up when you don't really have the time or energy to deal with them, and they sometimes stay much longer than they could possibly be needed... but they sure do make sure want to change some things when they come.

So... because of this... they really are a gift. THey are one of those paradoxical gifts of opposition that taste bitter and therefore make sure appreciate the sweet parts of our life. They whip us into action and make us stop settling for things that we shouldn't be settling for. They get us back on track so many times... they show us where we turn for comfort and who our friends are.

Roll with it baby. The funk will be over before you know it, it will be gone as fast as it came... and it will leave lots of gifts if you are open to receiving them.

You are just right. You'll be smiling and dancing again soon.

Right now, I'm still too angry and bitter to see this whole situation as a blessing. I'm still in the stage of "Why??!... Why does this keep happening??!!! When is my version of happily ever after going to happen??!!!" But, after reading this "Truth" it still gives me hope that someday, I can look back and be thankful and glad for the experience(s). That someday, somehow, all of my heartache and break will be worth it.

Jessie, wanna be my date for this one??

Out of all of my friends, I figured you'd be all about this. :)

Retail Therapy

I was needing a distraction yesterday afternoon and managed to do damage with some retail therapy. In my defense, I was in need of some new fall clothes, but managed to buy enough clothes to have a brand new outfit for each day this entire week.

First of all, Is it just me or has clothing retail totally lost its edge?? There really isn't anything TOO exciting or "I GOTTA HAVE THAT" feeling anymore. The only place I really get excited about is Antropologie, and I can't afford to spend $100 on a shirt or $200 on pants. Attention discount retailers... GO TO ANTROPOLOGIE FOR YOUR INSPIRATION AND DESIGN ACCORDINGLY.

I heart this store. If I 3 retail wishes it would be:
1. To be able to afford things at Antropologie
2. To have a wardrobe completely from Antropologie (Effortless and Vintage Chic)not to mention I wish I was able to actually FIT into their clothes.
3. To have my house decor be just like Antropologie (Vintage Chic) It's seriously just so beautiful.

Since the cheapest article of clothing there is $20 for a tank top, I made my way to the clearance rack. I managed to find a cute blue and white top. It had stripes along with florals on it. It was feminine but also had a nautical feel to it. It wasn't very fall, but I will rock it for as long as I can. It was originally $98 (gulp) I managed to get it for $42. A little steep for a shirt, but I was on a retail therapy binge and decided I needed it, deserved it, and it was too cute on not to buy it.

After Antropologie, I headed to Lane Bryant for some Bra's and Panty shopping. (Sorry if this is TMI). Lane Bryant's Bras and Panties are made by Victoria's Secret which means they actually have cute little bra/panty sets in colors other then beige, black, and white for bigger girls like myself. Their items are a bit on the pricey side, but since they are covering my boobs and butt, I am willing to pay a little extra. They had a great buy one get one 50% off bras along with 5 panties for $30 deal. Let's just say I stocked up. What is it about bra/panty shopping that makes me feel so damn cute and sexy??! It's the same feeling I get whenever I get my haircut. I feel special, cute, and pretty.

After Lane Bryant, I headed to Kohls. Normally, whenever I shop Kohls, I feel like it's a huge rummage sale and you have to scrap to find the deals. I was impressed with Kohl's in Maple Grove. They must have recently done some remodeling and the store looks great. Extremely organized and for once, it wasn't just a sea of racks full of clothes. This is where I did a lot of damage. I bought 3 dresses, 2 pairs of dress pants, and 3 tops. All of these items I can wear to work as well with out and about.

As I am recovering from my binge, I am having a little bit of buyers guilt. I'm going to let my purchases marinate a bit and decide if I should keep or return some of the items. I'm leaning more towards keep. I deserve it. It's been a rough few weeks and if this makes me happy (even if its temporary) I'll take it.

Keeping myself busy

It's been a week since the "Break-up" went down. The drama has subsided and I'm starting to get back into the routine of it just being me, again. Like any good break-up rule, you must keep yourself busy with activities as the second you sit and have a moment to realize reality, that is when sadness, regret and perhaps saying to yourself "Did I make a mistake breaking it off with him" will set in. I know in my heart that I did the right thing. Things needed to end so a new beginning could occur but I still miss him, terribly.

I have managed to get through the first week with minimal set backs. Mom has invited me over for dinner several nights, I gotten together with friends for dinners/coffees, I have a pet sitting job (4 dogs!) that will last me until Sunday night, and I just agreed to help a neighbor purge and organize her place as she gets it ready to renovate and sell. I also have made a list of projects I want to get done around my place as well. Much like the ones I listed out on my New Years goals list, but have yet to accomplish. With Fall fresh upon us, no better time to but on some grubby clothes, open the windows, blare some music and get stuff done around the house.

So,I am keeping myself busy during the day, now if I could only find something to keep me busy at night. Something to distract me before I fall asleep that will take the sadness and loneliness away. Until then, I have my kitty Lulu to cuddle and keep me warm.

It takes awhile to understand, the beauty in just letting go.

5 months. 22 weeks. 154 days. I thought he was the one. Red flags started to appear almost immediately after we started dating but figured I'd push them aside as everyone has flaws. Yesterday, at approximately 8:35am, I got a phone call that pushed me over the edge and I finally reached my breaking point.

The man I loved isn't who I thought he was. Trust has been broken along with my heart. I'm sad and hurt but mostly I'm sad and hurt for him. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough for that other person to get it together. Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted but I also feel like there is a big hole in my heart.

Everything is new and raw. I sat and stared at his side of the closet for an hour last night. It's empty.I fell asleep alone and woke up alone. Tossing and turning realizing he wasn't next to me for me to hug or hold. Waves of tears have come and gone. I try my best to keep them at bay but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can't help but feel what I need to feel.

Despite everything, I feel like I am a stronger person because of this. I have learned valuable life lessons and I'm sure I will continue to learn and grow from this. I am no stranger to the complexity of a broken heart. This seems all routine to me. I still have hope that someday, somewhere, my imperfectly perfect guy is out there. Someday we will meet and it will work. There will be trust, honesty, mutual love and respect. He will be REAL with me and I with him. Until that day comes, I am learning to be me again. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Breath in and breath out all the while knowing that this too, shall pass.

Living to my full potential

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel so completely lazy and useless that you just feel like you aren't truly living to your full potential? I seem to have those days all too often, especially lately.

If I look back at my life in the past 28 years, I guess you could say I've done pretty well. I graduated High School, went to college and obtained a 2 year degree, got a real job, bought a house, a car. Living the "American Dream" but yet I feel so unfinished, so unfulfilled at times, like the life I've been living isn't to its fullest potential.

When I was 6 years old, my teacher called me stupid in front of my entire class. From that moment on throughout my schooling years and even in my job today, I've always managed to just do enough to get by. Never going above and beyond in anything. I've taken jobs that were safe and within my skill and ability level. Never really pushing myself to go any further or truly be successful in anything. When opportunities present themselves, I usually self doubt and tell myself I'm not good enough, deserving enough, smart enough or even capable of being anything more then what I already am. I'm still very much that little girl sitting at her desk while her teacher calls her stupid and dumb in front of all of her classmates and friends.

Obviously like any other human being, I have insecurities and they like to creep up every now and again. The past few weeks I feel as if I have hit a wall in life. I'm going through the motions. Smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. I feel like there is so much more I should or could be doing with my life but yet the fear paralyzes me and my self doubt wins over my dreams and aspirations. I'm trying to stay positive. Focus on the good things in my life vs. concentrating on the negative but I still feel so blah. I can't help but think to myself, "Is this all there is to life? To my life?"

I need some motivation. Something that will make me want to get off my lazy ass and do something. It's more then just reading a good book, joining an exercise program, rekindling friendships, or volunteering. It's a life change I desperately need, not just a quick fix.

I'm sick of settling for mediocrity. I long to be something and someone great vs. hiding behind my scared skin.

"Man Cold" from Man Stroke Woman

Thursday laughter.

Friday pick me up

This video makes me laugh out loud. The kids expressions are priceless, especially the little baby who giggles near the end.

When bad things happen to good people

Life is complicated. Life is unfair. Sometimes it's so much easier to be negative then it is to be positive. A co-worker from work found out that she has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. She is 33 years old. What the #$%!. Even though I don't know Dayna on a personal level, she is a person. A human being. A young, beautiful, talented full of life girl, who is being robbed. Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. Sometimes I just look up and shake my head, trying so hard and desperately to see the good in this situation, to see God's plan when everything around me feels the opposite. Dayna has created a Caringbridge site to keep everyone informed on her status and progress. She has an incredible sense of humor, that right there will cure her. She openly has said that she is making Cancer her Bitch. Ha, I love it. That's right, girl. Cancer is your Bitch! You take control and fight this Bitch to the end, and win!

I don't know why I am letting this affect me so much. Like I said, I'm not close with her, just a mere acquaintance. It just hurts my heart. It hurts my heart that life can literally be taken away from you in a matter of seconds. It makes me sad to know that this could potentially happen to someone close to me and that very thought scares me. Scares me into making things right now. To live my life to the fullest NOW and live with no regrets. To make sure I call my parents, tell them I love them. To hug my friends and family a little tighter in saying good bye, because no one knows what tomorrow brings. To ask for forgiveness from those who I have done wrong to because why put it off one more day, when that release will set me free from guilt.

My head and my heart are at a very sensitive spot right now. I've reached an age when the reality of death, and even at a young age and the impact he has on ones soul, can be and is devastating. I gotta believe that there is a plan in all of this. That God is in control, even though it seems to be the opposite. I gotta believe in and do believe in miracles as they happen every, single day. So, to end this questioning life post, go home and tell your family you love them. Pick up that phone and apologize to someone you may have done wrong to. Hug and kiss your kids. Hold your husband/wife a little bit longer tonight. Make things right, now.

Updates

Yikes! It's been a month since I last posted. Not that I have a huge following or anything but for the few that do read my blog, here is whats been going on in my oh so fascinating life.

- The snow is gone (except for the few mounds of disgusting dirt/snow). You have no idea how happy it makes me not to see the white crap on the ground anymore! Birds are chirping in the morning. The sun has been shinning a lot lately. Warms my heart!

- My debt is slowly but surely melting away. By this time next year, I hope to be a completely different place (financially). Fingers and toes crossed!

- I have fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon. The 25 lbs I had lost last year has slowly turned into only 15 lbs lost. :( Wahhhhh. My clothes are starting to fit a little tighter too (double waahhhhh)and I have only myself to blame. I know what I need to do to get back on the wagon but right now, food is my comfort. I'm hoping with Spring/Summer around the corner that I will be more motivated to get my butt out and start exercising more.

- A month ago, I blogged about faith and how I was struggling with mine. After some soul searching, meditation, and even prayer I feel like I am in a better place then I was. Granted I am still a work in progress (as we all are) I feel at peace with things and I've never felt better. I've learned the power of positive thinking. Positive thoughts turn into positive things. When you are positive, you attract positive things. Like attracts like. Dislike attracts more dislike. Simple enough, right? Its a battle but one that I'm willing to fight and work on!

-My new life motto is "La joie de vivre." Look it up. It's liberating.

-Met a boy via Match.com... We've only communicated via email and phone calls but I'm giddy and excited to see where things lead (if anywhere). He seems to be a very genuine, sincere, honest guy. Fingers crossed!

-My Dad's side of the family is going to Kansas City to watch the Twins play the Royals. We are leaving on a Friday and coming back on a Monday. We are road tripping it, and tail gating each game. It should be A LOT of fun and I can not wait to get out of town and just relax. It has become my new priority to make Joe Mauer fall in love with me. He is after all now worth 184 MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I have to do is get pregnant with at least one of his kids and then I would be set for life. :) I kid, of course, sorta.

That's it for now!

Faith

I went to Ash Wednesday Church this past Wednesday. Other then Weddings, Baptisms, and an Easter or Christmas Eve service, it was the first time I actually went to Church in nearly 7 years. Here is a Little background of my "Faith" story...

I grew up going to a Lutheran Church. I was baptised, confirmed and went to Church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I became really involved in Youth Group and went on Retreats, Mission Trips, Youth Conferences etc... I decided to go to a Christian College with the intent of being a Missionary. I quickly changed my major to Youth Ministry. In College I was fighting with myself (and I guess with God) in what I truly believed. In that realization, I decided it would be best to change my major to Youth Social Studies with a Counseling minor. I just couldn't justify being a Youth Pastor and leading Youth in their faith journey knowing that deep in my heart, I didn't even know what I believed in. After some personal things transpired, and money quickly ran out, I decided to withdraw from School and started working full time. That was back in 2003 and pretty much since that point, I stopped going to Church, reading my Bible and more or less just turned my back on God.

When I was at Church on Wednesday night, the scripture they were focusing on was Psalm 51:10-12

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Some might say it was the Holy Spirit working in me but something deep in my heart just ached and it wasn't pleasant.

One of the biggest things I've been struggling with in regards to Faith is why do we believe what we believe. As I have matured and grown up so to speak, I struggle with the state of our world and why bad things continue to happen. These bad things aren't necessarily happening to me, but to others around me in the world. If this God is all powerful, all knowing, beginning and end, then why can't he just fix things? Yes, we have free will but how much evil and horrible things can one person, one country, one world handle? Why can't he just give us or more importantly give ME reason to believe other then just because it says so in the Bible. I am searching for tangible proof besides the warm fuzzies.

I've never had a life changing or like altering experience. Perhaps that is what it's going to take for me to believe. Since Wednesday I've prayed that God make his presence known and evident in my life. Show me that He exists. Open my eyes and more importantly my heart that there is a reason to believe. For those of you who pray or believe in the power of prayer, I ask for your prayers as I try to figure this out. I want believe but I don't want it to be forced. Faith should come nauturally, willingly, without a doubt. Right now, I have huge doubts. To say I am a lost sheep is a complete understatement.

New do

I got my hair cut and colored this weekend. Here was my inspiration:


Here is what I look like...


First of all... how amazing does Kelly Osbourne look?! Wowza! Motivation right there to stop putting food in my mouth and start hitting the GYM! I'm still a little torn on whether I like my new look or not. Its short, like 3 inches shorter! I can no longer pull my hair back into a ponytail. I also have bangs now which are constantly in my face. I think that will take some getting use too. I also did a full color so my hair is a LOT blonder! I'm getting to the age where I need to dye my hair. Sigh. I'm still pretty blonde nauturally but I do need to maintain some areas where its a little too dishwatery blonde. So far the response from people has been mixed. Most of the people are saying they like it but you know how sometimes you can sense when people are just being polite? Yeah, that's kind of how I feel right now. They are saying its cute and they like it but it doesn't seem sincere. Maybe its just me being overly senstive and self conscious.What is it about girls and their hair that can make them feel like a million bucks or a complete loser??! Right now I'm somewhere in the middle. It's just hair, it will grow back!

13 years on the 13th

Tomorrow marks 13 years since my parents divorced. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't still affect my life, who I am, what I am, and who I want to be. It's almost like I have two little voices in my head. The one voice says "Jess, you are better then this, you can move from this unfortunate incident and succeed in life." And then there is the other voice, the voice that keeps me trapped that says "You come from a broken home therefore you will always be broken. You will always feel not good enough and constantly struggle to just be happy."

I feel like such a statistic. There are days when I think to myself "I can't believe my parents are divorced." I can't help but wonder how much different my life would be if my parents were still together today? Would I have a weight problem? Would I struggle with low self esteem? Would my relationship with my family be better/worse? Would I have such a hard time in romantic relationships? Would I be struggling in my faith and what I believe? Would I be so unhappy/depressed? So many questions of wondering what if. I try so hard to put my past behind me but it continues to haunt me and I feel paralyzed to be able to let the pain go. Sometimes I feel that moving on and letting go is too much work (emotionally) and it is far much easier to just feel sorry for myself and continue to wish that my life were different. It is so easy for people to say "Suck it up and deal with it Jess." I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just let it go because I think if I did, my life would happen versus me waiting for it to happen.

The month of February has always been an incredibly hard month for me for years and I wish it wasn't. I hate being bitter and angry around this time of year. I wish I could find my bliss and happiness within myself vs. leaning on the crutch of my parents divorce has made me into a bitter and angry person therefore I can never be happy. I've tried counseling, I've read countless self help books, I've done the anti depressants. All quick fixes and at the end of the day, I'm still left with me and the pieces of my broken heart. I'm trying so hard to put them back together but I'm beginning to wonder if this is the life I'm just meant to have? I would hate to think that is the truth but that fear haunts me to no end.

Tapping into my creativity

I've decided I need a hobby, something other than anything to do with any of my 3jobs. I've been trying to figure out what makes me happy and what I enjoy doing and as sad as this is going to sound, I couldn't really pin point anything that truly makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, there are those obvious things that make me (or any girl) happy. Such as shopping, make up, clothes, purses, shoes, wine, bubble baths etc... but I couldn't think of anything tangible such as knitting, cooking, drawing and so on. Sure, I have interests but I guess I have just busied myself with work and always being on the go that I've never really let myself have time for a hobby or for "ME" time.

I keep going back to what the psychic told me a few weeks ago and how I need to tap into my creative side. I've never viewed myself as a creative person, mainly because I've always stereotype creative people as being Designers, Musicians, Artists etc... It also is rather hard for me to stand out as being a creative person given the environment I work in. I am surrounded by extremely talented people who create beautiful things on a daily basis. Their minds are so conceptual that it almost seems like I am on Project Runway everyday.

I've been trying to figure out what creativity I have hiding inside of me and I'm having a hard time digging it out. Any thoughts, suggestions or ideas?? I'm open to any and everything at this point.

How to be lovely

I read the following book this weekend:

Here are some great things and Audrey Hepburn quotes I took from reading this quick book...

Keep things in perspective

Expect less and you wont be disappointed

Be perfectly human

Live without regret

"What would be awful would be to die and look back misreably seeing the bad things, the opportunities missed or what could have been"

Do the best you can

Remember to relax

Eat well

Get plenty of Vitamin C

"We all want to be loved, don't we? Everyone looks for a way of finding love. It's a constant search for affection in every walk of life."

"Romantic love challenges us to become whole, the way nothing else will. We go into it thinking we'll learn about another person, secretly hoping for their stamp of approval. Instead, we end up learning the most about ourselves."

Be willing to get hurt

Mind the male ego

Know what to look for but yet know when to walk away.

"My father leaving left me insecure for life perhaps. I do think there are things and experiences in childhood that form you for the rest of your life."

Believe in miracles
Be present

"I had waited my whole life for the moment to have a child and it finally happened. I'm sure it is great when you are young, but I was 30 and the long wait made it all the sweeter."

No matter how you find them, a friend makes the world a much brighter place. Friends are your chosen family.

Be loyal

Love much, laugh often

Be kind

Listen well

Be genuine

Practice acceptance

Know the difference from being lonely and being alone

Find a peaceful place

Live simply

Be needed

Your heart should be the greatest gift you have to give, but don't be to quick to give it all away to a person who is recklace.

Yes, Miss Audrey Hepburn had an obvious physical beauty to her, but her heart was probably the most attractive. I highly recommend reading this little book. Some great quotes, pictures and all around life lessons.

Things that make you go Hmmmmmm

Here is my Horoscope from today:

"Make some moves toward a better profession or a job that will enable you to use your skills and talents to the fullest. Your future is about to take a turn for the better. A different geographical location looks promising"

Funny... pretty sure the psycic and hand writing analyst I saw a few weeks ago told me the same thing. Coincidence?

1,2,3 strikes and I'm out

I'm done trying to date and meet new people. I'm sick of heartless aholes messaging me rude remarks when a simple "I'm not interested" would suffice. If I am meant to be in a relationship, then that guy will need to find me. Call me bitter, call me angry, call me whatever you like. I'm no longer going to subject myself to such treatment. Sticks and stones break bones and words DO hurt as well. I'm not giving up, I'm just not going to put forth anymore effort because for the last 5 months, my heart has been beating up, even if it was only words typed on a screen. Those words run deep in my heart and I am left questioning myself, "Is it really me?" Whats meant to be, will be.

Strike 2

Was suppose to have a "Drink" date yesterday after work. He texted me to cancel due to "Work." I'm a little confused towards his excuse since according to his profile, he is a muscian. Hmmmm... I'm not liking this new trend in dating. 2 cancellations in less then a week. I'm on a roll.

How many frogs?

I was suppose to have a date on Saturday afternoon. Just a simple coffee date. His name was Phil and we met on Match about 2 weeks ago. He contacted me because as he put it "You have a beautiful smile and kind heart from what I read in your profile." I wasn't too interested in him based on his profile but figured he was worth emailing back and forth. After dozens of emails, he asked me to meet up for coffee. I agreed. Throughout this process, he found me via Facebook and friended me. Harmless, right? Saturday morning at about 2 am (at least thats when the email came through) he emails saying that he doesn't think he can meet me. After looking through my Facebook account, it is clear that I am Liberal and can't date a person who voted for Obama let alone a person who has friends who are Gay. Are you FREAKING kidding me??!!! I get the Liberal thing but because I have Gay friends, he can't date me or just meet for Coffee??! Can we say close minded prick??! I emailed him back in the most PC Liberal fashion and pretty much told him to stick it but also thanking him for not wasting anymore of my time. I wasn't so upset with the date being cancelled but for him trying to make me feel bad for having friends that are Gay.

I've been on Match for 4 months and I am NOT impressed. I'm going to ride out my 6 month commitment and then cancel once I am through. I am to the point now where if it's suppose to happen, it will happen. But I also have to get to place in my life where I need to be ok with being single and need to be ok with me possibly being single my whole life. As much as I want love, marriage, and a family, there is a chance it wont happen for me and I need to be ok with that. I'm not giving up though. I truly believe that if someone really desires love, marriage, and a family, then those things will happen. Guess the point I am trying to make is, once I am at peace with myself and my life, I hope that all of the other pieces will fall into place too.

My idol

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"- Marilyn Monroe

Fortune?

I went to the 2nd Annual PJ Party this past weekend with my Mom. I had the opportunity to sit with a Psychic and Handwriting Analyst. I’ve always been pretty fascinated with the whole Gypsy lifestyle. Though I am a bit skeptical, it’s kind of like watching a cheesy reality tv show, you want to know more and see what happens.

My first reading was with an Intuitive Psychic. She asked me my name and date of birth and from that she told me the following: You have been struggling to remain positive for as long as you can remember. Some things are just harder for you to achieve and you constantly compare yourself to others and always strive to better yourself. I see that 2010 is the year for you and you will be able to overcome your struggles. I see that you recently got out of a relationship that consumed a majority of your time and heart. I see this relationship bringing you down and can only advise that you separate yourself from this person completely. You tend to always fall back on this person when you are sad or feeling down and figure “It’s better then being alone.” Once you free yourself from this person, I see you meeting someone quickly and love and marriage will quickly follow. You have ties to the West Coast and I see you potentially moving out there within the next few years. I see big changes to you in the next 2 years with your job and home. Though you are happy in your job now, I see you getting extremely bored and your creativity isn’t being used to its full advantage. I see you going back to school to either become a teacher and or doing something in sales. You are very good with people and have a calming and inviting effect on them. People are drawn to you and your aura and you have a special gift. It’s a good thing that you like children because I see you having 5 kids. .Wowza, huh? She pretty much nailed it on the head as far as I’m concerned. I didn’t tell her anything other then my name and date of birth and from that she pretty much summed up my life!

After the Psychic, I went and saw the Handwriting Analyst. I wrote down 2 sentences and from those 2 sentences she told me the following: You are running a million miles a minute. Your life is extremely coordinated and you are constantly going going going. You strive or peace and simplicity but your responsibilities take priority over your happiness. Since your signature is hard to decipher by others, they don’t know who you are let alone you don’t know who you are yourself. I advise you slow down a bit otherwise something bad could potentially happen to you such as a car accident etc… You have a very warm and welcoming spirit and I see you potentially as a teacher. You have an opinion and like to share your thoughts and feelings on a variety of subjects. You are a creative person but your creativity is being hidden with all of your responsibilities. Take time for yourself, slow down a bit and learn to enjoy life more.

I left both of these readings with goosebumps but also hope. We shall see what the future holds for Miss Jessica Sparling.

The "Shoulds" in life.

I ended up taking a personal day on Friday from work. I just needed a day to myself and in hopes to figure some stuff out. I’ve reached another funk and wall in life and it seems to happen all too often. Things will go great for awhile, then slowly decline and then bam, I back on the pity party train. I really dislike being on this train and I feel when I am I am only bringing those around me down.

One of the biggest things I seem to struggle with is always feeling like I should be so much farther along in my life then I am. I think one of the biggest things that is blocking myself from achieving fulfillment in life is finding true contentment and just all around accepting myself the way I am. I often find myself thinking and even saying “I should be married. I should loose 50 lbs. I should dress a certain way. I should have a child at this point. I should have my debt under control.” I should, I should, I should!!! Some how in my mind, if I have the “I shoulds” achieved, that somehow I will be accepted by the world, society, friends, family, a significant other etc… and then, I’ll finally be happy. Not true. As you can imagine, it is rather exhausting and no wonder I haven’t been able to achieve just simple contentment and all around happiness. I put so much pressure on myself with all the shoulds in my life that I forget to just live my life and love me for me, flaws and all. Going forward, I’m going to try really hard to focus on taking care of myself and learning to love and accept myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will stop “Shouding” on myself and just live my life the way it is and continue to just work hard at making it better.

2010 Goals!

I've always thought that New Year Resolutions were over rated and usually fail within the first few weeks of the New Year (at least for me). I do much better with making a list of goals and achieving them gradually, so that is exactly what I plan to do...

- Re-committing myself to Weight Watchers. I've managed to gain 7 lbs. Considering some personal stuff I've been going through, it could have been a lot worse. I want to loose the 7lbs and hopefully another 25-30lbs. Here's hoping!!
-Get my unsecured debt under control.
-Paint bedrooms
-Replace Kitchen and Bathroom floors
-Organize Closets better
-Organize Garage
-Make more time for me. Pretty much doing things other then work
-Write REAL letters. Send Notes/Cards
-Make an effort to cook more.
-Start running/Train for a 5K
-Take a vacation, even if its only to Duluth.
-Make more room for dating
-Smile,laugh, and enjoy my life more
-Read more
-Stop comparing myself to others
And last but not least...
-Be more grateful and appreciate all that I have vs. wishing my life were different.

That's one big list!! I best get cracking on it!