Emotionally detaching yourself from someone is probably one of the hardest things a person can do. You love them but you know it isn’t right, yet you hold onto the good memories and you can’t help but ask “Why can’t it work out?” I miss my best friend and this just sucks that we can’t be in each others lives anymore. I promised myself that I wont let my tears be the confetti in my pity party for one anymore, so I’m trying my best to be strong but yet I still get the sting from time to time. 5 years is a long time. I grew into an adult with him. He brought out the best and worst in me. I can honestly say that out of all the people I have loved and lost in my life, he is the one I TRULY loved, whole heartedly , unconditionally, no matter what. And now I am forced to move on? I feel lost, broken, hurt, confused. Trying so hard to trust that God has bigger and better plans for me.
My Dad told me last night that he is proud of the fact that I can take care of myself and have been for several years. Little does he know that I have been taking care of myself since he decided to Divorce my Mom, Brad and myself 14 years ago. I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore. I sat at his kitchen table last night and it was taking serious effort to keep a conversation going. It shouldn't be like that. It hurts my heart that this is the life he choose, a life that doesn’t really include me in it unless it’s convenient for him. It’s hard to love someone where they are at, especially when they are your own father.
It’s November? F. Where the heck did this year go? Each year goes by faster then the year before and as I get older, the more panicked and anxious I become. Trying really hard just to focus and take care of me. It’s hard when your hearts desire is to have companionship and a family. As pathetic as this is going to sound, I got a little choked up handing out candy on Halloween. I saw all the little kids and how cute they were and their mommy's and daddy's walking with them hand in hand, taking pictures etc...My heart ached because I want so badly to have a little family of my own and for me to take them out trick or treating and to experience other milestone events. I know that marriage and being a parent isn't a bed of roses. I just feel like there is a piece of my life that is missing. When will my time come? I haven’t given up, I just hope God hasn’t forgotten or given up on me either.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Billie Holiday lately. That right there should explain my emotional state. A little down, blue, lonely but still hopeful. I see the light. Albeit a little flicker, it’s there and I’m ready for it to shine.
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