Handle with care

I had my yearly exam this morning. I was a bit nervous for it as the results from last years exam weren’t so great, but the one thing I look forward to the most is talking with my Midwife/Nurse practitioner. Weird, I know, but I just love her. For whatever reason I just felt like today was going to be a break down day. I felt tears burning in my eyes as I waited for my name to be called but managed to hold them back. Normally my Dr. will come in before the actual exam and just go through what has been going on in the past year. Not just with my health but in life. I think it is amazing that she actually cares enough to ask and see where I am, emotionally. I shared with her my recent heartache and break and other stresses I’ve been dealing with. I managed to keep strong for most of the pre-exam questions but then she asked “How are you on the inside, Jess?” And I could’t hold it in anymore. I broke down. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes about anything and everything.

My yearly exam turned into a full on therapy session. It felt good to talk to someone and just word vomit what’s been on my mind and more importantly my heart. Depression is something I have dealt with in the past and I am very educated on what it means to be depressed and what it means to just be blue. Right now, my emotional state is just blue. I’ve always been the “Strong” one. The person who keeps plugging away and usually with a smile on her face. The person who puts everyone else’s needs above her own. A person who is even guilty of tolerating ill treatment/borderline emotional abuse because she wanted so desperately for things to work out. Truth is, I’m hurting. The past 8 months have been a roller coaster, and in fact, nearly half of my life has been unsettling. I feel like I live in a world where I am not allowed to grieve. Something tragic happens and I’m suppose to pick myself back up and keep moving on. I’m suppose to just get over it because I am better then that and deserve more. I am not allowed to feel down, or sad and if I do, there’s a pill for that. I self medicate by keeping myself busy with work. Not only because I financially need to work, but because work to me is a vacation from the reality of my situation. If I keep myself busy with things to occupy my time, then I wont have time to actually deal with my pain, my hurt.

When I was a little girl, I had a vision of what my life would look like. I would grow up with both parents, go to college, get a great job, fall in love, get married, have a family and live my version of happily ever after. Perhaps a part of me is dealing with the loss of my childhood dream of what my life would look like. The countless heartbreaking moments have no doubtedly made me a stronger person but I am still broken. I haven’t allowed myself to grieve and it is clearly affecting my life today and the decisions I make. Some of my readers may read this and think that I am just having a pity party, and you’re right, I am. But you know what… it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. It’s OK to hurt, it’s OK to be angry and it’s OK to grieve. Perhaps if we actually LET ourselves feel what we need to feel then maybe true healing can begin.