Free to be me.

Something happened yesterday that left a sour taste in my mouth. I ran to Target yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I walked in and I saw a girl who was wearing a sweater (dress) that barely covered her butt and see through tights. I was shocked. This girl totally caught me off guard. She was beautiful but her whole outfit just was just wrong, on so many levels. Her outfit was screaming "LOOK AT ME!!" It bugged me. It bugged me so much that I couldnt stop thinking about it the rest of the afternoon and evening. Why was this girls outfit bothering me so much??! I didnt know her. Why can't I just pass this girl off as having low self esteem and just an attention starved person who will stop at nothing to get noticed.I mulled over this the entire night. I couldnt get the image out of my head, why?? I've come to the conclusion that I am just jealous. Not jealous of her whorish outfit, but the fact that she has the courage and self esteem to tell the world "Hey... look at me!! I'm hot!!" Something I lack. Granted I have enough respect for myself to cover my butt with proper garments, but this girl's self image and esteem is so high that she could care less what others think. I'm envious of that. I want that. I've never experienced, that.

I think every girl struggles with their self esteem and image at some point in their lives and if they are lucky, they have the love and support to get through it. I on the other hand, dont feel I have been so lucky. I've always struggled with just fitting in. I feel as if I've never been accepted for me, ever. Not even from my own family. There has always been something "wrong" with me and until I fix my supposed "problems" I'll never achieve what life has in store for me. I've put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, that I'm loosing my idenity. I don't even know who I am anymore, in fact, I'm not sure if I ever really did.

Perhaps I am still processing my thoughts and feelings from the recent break up, but the truth is, I've never been loved and supported (or felt the love and support) I've needed to be me. Growing up I wasn't allowed to cry or feel sorry for myself. I was forced to wipe my tears and just suck it up and deal. I'm tired of sucking it up and dealing with it because there is no dealing with anything. The dealing part of things just brushed under the rug and tucked away, deep in my heart. I was never told I was good enough, smart enough, capable enough, pretty enough. I was ralely told that my parents were proud of me instead that I should be better, could be better. I was never given the tools to stand up for myself, instead learned coping mechanisms of being a people pleaser and a complete push over. I tolerate ill treatment, because in my mind, it's better then no treatment at all.

I'm sure you are thinking "Man Jess... stop it, change now and be better." I'm thinking the same thing. Everytime I feel I have taken a step forward in the right direction in learning to love myself, something happens and I instantly take 3 steps back. It seems to be an impossible race, and its mostly against myself. There is the Jess that wants so desperately to break through and be that girl that says "Hey... LOOK AT ME!!! I'M GREAT! I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM. But the timid, coward Jess always wins with looming low self esteem.

So what does this mean? What are my next steps? As always, I just keep plugging away. Striving to be better. Trying desperately to push through the ickiness so I can enjoy life. The life I was always meant to live. I listened to a song yesterday that really touched my heart. Ironically it was from Garfunkel and Oates in which this song is completely out of character for them. Their words are beautiful. Words I needed to hear my whole life. No better time then the present, I suppose.



Lyrics to As You Are by Garfunkel and Oates

Sit back, you don't have to work so hard
It makes me tired to watch you try
Relax, you already played your cards
And I know which ones are a lie

It makes me really sad to see
The things you think you have to be
Just to be enough for me
When you already are

Why can't you just look at you
In the same way that I do?
Through all that's false and all that's true
I like you, as you are

I know that you can get sad sometimes
I see it mostly when you smile
Let go of all of your supposed crimes
Just be with me for a while

I know this may be hard to hear
But all your tricks are really clear
I see right through your slick veneer
To the secret life you hide

Why can't you just look at you
In the same way that I do?
Through all that's false and all that's true
I like you as you are

Take me in
Believe me when I say
You're more than just okay
You're perfect as you are