It's finished. It's done.

I’ve been trying to find the right words, my last words, that accurately describe what I feel and have felt since I heard heard the news of his marriage. It doesn't seem real almost like I'm dreaming and any minute now I'm going to wake up. But, it is real and Saturday I was finally able to put to rest a broken dream that I've been holding so tightly to.

I had been avoiding his suggestion to see each other one last time. I couldn't face him until I could properly process my feelings, my hurt, my anger I have held in but never released from my heart surrounding him. I have felt every emotion towards him, except for anger. I’m scared to be angry because it’s the opposite of who I am as a person. I didn't know how to be angry at him because I didn't want our last memory to be an angry one.  The logical side of my brain wanted to scream and yell and tell him how much he destroyed me and my trust in others and also in myself.  But my heart, my stupid heart always seemed to find a reason to love him and just be sad.

After several sleepless nights and too may tear stains on my pillow, I believe I have found a way to be angry as well with still "Love" this person who has caused me so much pain. As I stared into his eyes, shaking and fighting every urge to not break down, I simply said "Thank you for breaking me." Confused, he asked me to explain.

"I’ve walked around the past 8 years broke because of you. The push and pull, back and forth, up and down that we BOTH played with one another has kept me captive. I’m a masochist in every sense of the word, but because of you, I am officially broken. It’s finished. It’s done. "

He became emotional and apologized. He took ownership for keeping me captive. He knew what he was doing and admits he was being selfish. Even so, he also said that he truly does love and care for me. I asked him to explain what that love means to him and looks like. I still don't understand his words, but I believe them but not enough to keep him in my life.   It is clear that we have very different views of what love actually is. Though his “I love you’s” were free flowing like water,  looking back I can’t help but be completely confused as what he actually meant when he said those precious words to me.  I know it was never romantic love, but the way he treated me isn’t what one does to someone they “Love.”  I guess I take comfort in knowing that the truth always eventually comes out and he  is the one that needs live with his own demons. I’ve released mine. Despite my new found anger towards him, I do truly love him and because I love him, I forgive him.  Maybe I’m too forgiving when it comes to him but I would rather walk away completely freed and not harboring any resentment. I am human. I am flawed. He taught me a lot about myself. He taught me what it was to truly love someone. Though I am very much broken and bruised, my heart will heal and it will love again. For this I am confident and very hopeful for what is to come.

We hugged, we cried, we hugged some more. He kissed my forehead a thousand times. I told him after he left that I never wanted to hear from him again. I told him that I can not and will not let him back into my life. I told him if I am ever going to move on, he needs to be removed completely. Every fiber of my being wanted the exact opposite of what my words were spewing. Even so, I have to fight the urge to fix us, and just let us be broken.  This will by far be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. He's moved on, he's made his choice.  I’m forced to move on and choose ME now. This hurts like no other hurt I’ve felt before. As much as I tried to avoid our last good bye being what it was... it was what it needed to be. I hugged him one last time, kissed his cheek and walked away. I don't know why but I felt compelled to text him a few minutes later and say "Congratulations on your marriage and your new life. I wish you every happiness." Despite the b.s. and all of the hurt, I do hope he is happy. I've finally come to a place of accepting that his happiness will never be with me.

Today is a new day. A fresh start. A new beginning. Lately I feel like I've been given a lot of new beginning's. But this one seems exceptionally promising and full of hope. I won't settle. I won't give up. My past is no longer my present. My present is what I will begin to work with and my future is filled with hope.