This week has been utterly exhausting. Highs, lows, and to make my entire week complete, there was a suspected shooting at the Target Headquarters building this afternoon. Thankfully it was a false alarm. Even so, stick a fork in me because I. AM. DONE. I'm physically present but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually spent.
I've been trying to wrap my brain around what happened on Wednesday afternoon. I received a text that not only destroyed me but in a way released me from the the captivity that I have left myself in, hoping that someday HE would come back. For more background on the story, you can read here and here.
Ryan, the once love of my life, got married on Monday. They decided to elope. He decided telling me this information via text message while I was at work was the best possible way.
Ryan: "Hey... I have some news."
Me: (Flooded with an uneasy feeling) "Oh yeah?"
Ryan: "I got married! :)"
Me: "I don't really know what to say. I feel like I've been shot in the stomach. I wish you the best."
There are no words to accurately describe the pain, hurt, and sadness I feel with this news. I saw him about 2 weeks ago. Last Wednesday he reached out to me asking me if I could call into work so we could spend the day together. I declined, but we kept texting the rest of the week and weekend. Sunday night/Monday morning at 1:45am, I got a text from him. I responded when I woke up and we continued conversation the remainder of the day. His wedding day. I feel sick. How could he consciously make forever vows to her while in the back of his mind, be thinking about me? I don't understand. He has done some pretty awful things to me the past 8 years, but this tops the cake. The logical side of my brain realizes the I dodged a bullet. I realize that he is SO wrong for me and doesn't deserve me in the least. But my stupid heart can't seem to allow myself to be angry at him. I love him and I don't know why.
It's time to rip off the band aid I've covered myself with for 8 years and finally allow myself to heal from this toxic and dysfunctional relationship. I'm forced to get over him. It sucks. It's gonna hurt for awhile but I'm not going to let this destroy me. I just know that there is something so great in store for me. I can feel it. Perhaps now I can finally completely move on from him, and allow the blessings that have been patiently waiting for me, enter my life.
1 comment:
So sorry to hear this Jess! I had a similar experience - though not quite as serious - and can tell you that time does heal. Just like the sting of the band-aid goes away eventually...so will the sting of this....jerk (I mentally had a few other words running through my mind, but will leave it at that one). So happy for you that you are not the one that he married while texting someone else! Thinking of you and excited to see the good things that God brings your way in the future!
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