Letting go

I apologize if the tone of my posts have been less than optimistic, but there is just so much weighing on my heart and the only way to release it is through writing. I think the only way I will ever be able to move on is for me to feel and deal with this pain. It's a hard pill for me to swallow right now and it seems like there is no end in sight for my heart to no longer ache.

One of my flaws is my stubbornness. I have a hard time letting go and moving on. I rarely give up or give in. I look back more when I should be looking forward but can’t help but play the “What ifs” in my mind. I miss my best friend or who I thought was my best friend. Though we were never officially together, he was the first real and great love in my life. Friends and even family would beg to disagree as they were slide line spectators in our twisted and complicated love affair, but only Ryan and I will ever truly know what we had. A comforting and yet incredibly sad thought knowing that he is no longer in my life.

It’s amazing how one decision can change the course of your life forever. Though at the time, I thought I was making the right decision, I look back now and realize it was a huge mistake. It happened, and it can’t be undone. There are not enough sorry’s in the world to describe the pain I feel for hurting the one person who I truly, truly loved. I don’t want to believe that my friendship/relationship with him was merely meant to be a lesson learned. I refuse to push him deep, deep in my heart and have him just become a distant memory. I am holding onto to his last words to me. I desperately want to believe that he meant it when he said he would always love me and hold me close to his heart and that it would take him a LONG time to get over me. I recently found out that his actions don’t follow suit. My heart aches knowing that there is a good chance that all I have become to him is a lesson learned, and a VERY DISTANT memory.

They say time heals all wounds, and even though it’s been only 4 months, it feels like a lifetime. I keep thinking back on all of the good times. All of the memories. All of the times we laughed until we cried. All of the talks we had about nothing, but everything at the same time. I think about his hugs, his kisses, the way he would cheer me up whenever I was sad. I think about our road trips up to visit my Grandma, dinners at my parents and hanging out with his family. I think about our stupid arguments and how we would fight and even say things we didn’t mean, but how we would always resolve our differences. Most of all, I think of all the things I’ve lost and how my heart hurts because he is gone. How can I possibly believe that things will get easier knowing that he is not in my life?! Yet, through my tears and the heartbreak, my desire is for him to be happy. I truly want him to be happy but the hardest thing to accept is knowing that it will never be with me.

Sometimes when you love someone, you have to love them enough to let them go. This goes against every fiber of my being as I am fighter to no end. I never give up, but in this situation it would seem incredibly selfish and unfair not to. He has clearly deemed me as a person he no longer wants in his life, and I would never want to be the cause of his unhappiness or be a root of resentment. I’m trying hard to let the selfish side of me let go but I struggle with this daily. I still have hope that someday my phone will ring and it will be him. I still have hope that someday there will be an email in my inbox and it will be from him. I still have hope that I will see him out somewhere and we will hug it out and everything will be back to normal. I’m trying so hard to let it all go when all I really want to do is hold on and keep believing that someday, things will be ok again.

I doubt he will ever read this, but in the off chance he does, I love you Ryan. I miss you terribly but I love you enough to let you go. You were my best friend and so so much more. I am lucky and blessed to have had you in my life for as long as I did. I will forever treasure your memory and our memories made and I can only hope that there is still a place in your heart that is meant only for me.

One of the only pictures I have left of us, and quite possibly my favorite.