I’ve been meaning to blog all week but it has been a crazy hectic one at that so buckle up for an interesting ride!
Last week, I made the decision to apply for a new job within Target. After being in my current role for 2 ½ years, I have reached a point where I need to move on. I love my job, I love my boss, but it is time. The very thought of change always scares me, especially when it comes to a new job, new responsibilities etc… I don’t know why but I ALWAYS start self doubting myself. Searching for all sorts of reasons to tell myself that I’m not good enough, smart enough, capable enough to do the job even though the truth is, I AM more then good enough, smart enough and capable to do anything in life. I interviewed earlier this week and it went REALLY well. I wont say I nailed it, as ultimately it is up to my new potential boss to see if I would be a good fit for the job personality wise. But I will say I gave a really good interview. I was cool, calm, and collected in my thoughts which is usually the exact opposite whenever I have interviewed in the past. I am at peace with whatever decision is made.
Last Saturday was a busy day for me. I met my Mom for Breakfast in the morning where over casual conversation, she thought it would be a good idea to tell me that Grandma has already pre-paid for her funeral. I completely lost it in the booth at Perkins. I had no control over my eyeballs and tears just kept on a coming. I know that Grandma is ready to die and see my Grandpa again, but the selfish part of me wants her to stay around for a long time. Just long enough to see me get married and have my first baby. Oh please God… please please please answer this prayer. It truly is the desire of my heart for her to see me go through life’s biggest blessings.
I got my haircut and colored Saturday afternoon. I’ve finally reached the point in my life where my blonde is now turning more dish watery colored. Ick. It always feels good to get a little pampering done, especially when you have someplace to go and show it off at later. I ended up going to a Breast Cancer charity event called “Will Drink for Boobs.” It was a flippy cup tournament. I just went to be a spectator, and also donate to a cause that is near and dear to my heart. The event was fun. Lots of people from High School, and even my High School crush. I did manage to muster up enough courage to actually talk to him, but by this point he was drunkity drunk drunk. I learned that some things are just better left in the past and also admired from afar. I am proud of myself though for getting the courage to talk to him. Another rather exciting (at least for me it was) thing that happened is I met and made 2 new guy friends at this event. Again, granted they were beyond intoxicated, it was nice to have someone of the opposite sex actually take notice in me. Each of them bought me a drink and we chatted a bit. No numbers were exchanged, but the next morning I had 2 new friend requests on Facebook. Some may say that this isn’t a big deal, but to me it is. For someone who feels rather invisible most days, it was nice to be noticed, talked too, and flirted with just a little bit even if it was under drunken circumstances. I felt pretty and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.
Wednesday night I was hanging out at home and happened to look on my phone and there was a facebook message on it. I didn’t realize that Facebook chat automatically signs you on… anyways… it was from a guy I use to score softball games for. His name is Brian and he is probably one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. I had a HUGE crush on him a few years ago, but was always too shy to ever do anything about it. We ended up chatting for about an hour on Wednesday night. I don’t know why but I somehow thought it would be a good idea to spill my guts and tell him that I had a huge crush on him. WTH was I thinking??! Anyways… he was flattered. He asked me how things were going with my boyfriend (last he heard, I was dating Jeremy). I told him we broke up. I asked him what his dating situation was and he said he had just started hanging out with someone again. Very new, taking things slow. I told him I was happy for him, and tried to end the conversation as it was getting late. He then proceeds to say “So, when do I get to see you?? Soon, I hope!” OMG… I about died. Ahhhhhh, did he just sorta kinda ask me out??! We exchanged phone numbers and within 5 minutes, I had a text from him. My heart has been smiling ever since. Even if this is just a friendly get together, the point is a guy took notice, again, and it feels so so so good.
Earlier this week, I went against my better judgment and ended up contacting him. I should’ve just ended the conversation right after I got the information I needed, but I didn’t. He is toxic and I was sucked back into his gravity, but only for a little bit. I realize now I was being tested, and I must admit I was tempted. What can I say? I’m human. His constant lies, deceit, and betrayal unveiled the truth of who he really is and it isn’t pretty. It’s over. Completely over. I am finally able to release his hold on my heart and move on. There will no doubt still be days when I think I miss him, or want things to be back the way they use to be, but as long as I can get myself back to the reality of things, I will be ok, in fact I AM ok. I am right where I need to be right now. I am somewhere in between my past and my big BRIGHT future!
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