Dreams

My mood is in line with today’s weather. Foggy, damp, and dreary. I am finding it hard to smile and if someone were to ask me how I am doing, I just may break down in tears. What gives? The past few nights I have been having some very odd, very realistic dreams. My sub-conscious has been on overload, and clearly there is something pressing on my mind and even heart. The dreams have been consistent in a common theme, but vary from each other slightly. The biggest themes being having a child, my significant other leaving me for another woman, and my Grandma dying.

I’m ready, I am so so so ready to fall in love, get married, and start a family. I want it so bad that I can literally taste it and feel it in my bones. The love I already have for my unborn child(ren) is so strong, I can’t even imagine what my heart will swell too if that dream ever comes true. I’m really struggling with the fact that its just not happening for me right now. No matter how much your heart wants something, it’s a hard thing to accept that it’s just not happening, and there is a chance it may never happen too. I refuse to give in and give up. I truly believe when you want something bad enough, you will do everything in your power to achieve it. But at what point do you give up entirely? I get REALLY annoyed when people say “Oh Jess, you are so young still, it will happen when you least expect it.” Of course that statement is coming from someone who is already married or with someone exclusively and or already has a family of their own. I know they mean well, but hearing those words, hurts. It hurts because of the envy I feel towards them for the dream that I want has already come true, for them. I look at them and think “Why not me? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I have that?”

One of my biggest fears is that I will find a great guy and that he will end up leaving me for another woman because I am just plain not good enough for him. I have even had nightmares of my wedding day and my groom leaving me at the altar. Remember the scene in Sex and the City the movie where Big freaks out and doesn’t show up?? Yeah, my heart totally related to that. I know this fear stems from my childhood and watching my parents marriage fall apart due to infidelity. I have huge trust issues, and every relationship I’ve had since I started dating has left me with an even bigger hole in my heart and broken trust in humanity let alone the opposite sex. With these insecurities and fears, why on earth would I want to get married if I can’t trust the other person? My biggest struggle is I’m afraid I wont find someone who thinks I’m WORTH proving their trust too. I just wish that someone would notice me, see me for who I am and realize how precious and fragile my heart is and actually WANT to take care of it and take care of ME. All of the boyfriends I have had have viewed my heart as a chew toy. Shame on me for not loving myself enough to allow such treatment.

My Grandma is my world. My love for her is endless and I can’t imagine her not here. She turned 83 in February and for the last few years has really been slowing down. She has taken some bad falls and her energy level and willingness to do things has dropped dramatically. She also has been talking a lot about death and “When her time comes.” When she brings this up, I try my best to keep it together but inside I am balling like a little baby. Grandma has been my biggest cheerleader. She believes in me when I find it hard to believe in myself. She thinks the world of me and I of her and the bond we have is unbreakable. It is my biggest dream for her to be able to see me get married and have my first child, hopefully a baby girl as I decided a long time ago that I would name my Daughter Marcia (Marcie for short) after her. The older I am getting and Grandma is getting, that childhood dream seems to be disappearing more and more.

So there you go. I have word vomited my fears, my anxieties, my hopes, and my dreams. I have managed to write this with only a few tears dripping down my cheek. Clearly, I have a lot of things on my mind and heart and it is creeping into my sub-conscious at night. A part of me feels that my dreams are trying to tell me something, while the other part feels that perhaps my dreams are foreshadowing a not so pleasant event that may occur in my future? Fingers, toes, and my heart crossed that my future only holds good and positive things that also align with my wildest dreams of a life full of love, laughter, and a continued pursuit of happiness.