ring around the rosy

Definition of Masochist:

"A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences."

He was the only person I have ever allowed myself to love but is also the only person who has truly broken me because I loved/love him. He has given me a million reasons to hate him, but yet I still feel exceptionally drawn to him whenever he manages to sneak back in. He has moved on. Practically married, and helping raise her two kids but still continues to have a "Friendship" with me that is secret. I allow this to be because the thought of still having him in my life in a minimal way is still somehow better than him not being there at all. It's not right. It's not fair. I deserve more, but in some twisted way I must enjoy the icky feeling I'm left with whenever our conversations end and the few and far between times I have seen him in the last few years since we split.

He always initiates contact. I always respond. I can't say no to him. I miss him, I miss us. We had an amazing 5 years together. More good times than bad. He brought out the best in me, but also the worst.  We had a connection. We had a special bond. I truly thought that someday he would get over his bs commitment issues and make it official with us, but he never did. I haven't let go of that dream of what if. It's holding me back. I know this and only I can do something about it.

A few weeks ago he contacted me and asked if he could stop by. I said yes. As he walked into my place, he seemed sad. I asked why he was here... he said he didn't want to go home. I didn't know what to say. My heart hurt for him. I have asked him many times why he hasn't let me go. He said it's hard to let go of someone he loves and who has had such an impact on his life. It's heart breaking. Though his actions may not necessarily align with those of someone who loves someone... I know that he does care for me and has love for me. In a letter he wrote me shortly after we split a few years ago, he told me that I was, at that time, the one true and great love of his life. It was everything I needed to hear, but too late. I moved on, and he eventually moved on too. But still, he comes back to me. I let him come back. I can't seem to say no. I can't seem to let go. This ring around the rosy back and forth game is holding me back. I hate him for this. I hate me for this. He's like a drug I can't seem to quit. I want to, but something continues to tell me to hold on.

Feel free to virtually shake me in disappointment. I have been doing the same thing mentally for years.