I had a date last night. I didn't want to go but didn't want to be rude and cancel last minute as I know what that feels like, and it's not warm and fuzzy. He was perfectly nice. A little quiet but a gentleman. We just met for drinks and shared an appetizer in which he paid. (Still getting used to this whole guys paying for things idea. I've been taking care of myself for too long and just automatically assume I pay for my half when it comes to dates). He asked if we could see each other again in which I said "Sure" but to be honest, I just don't think I am ready for a variety of different reasons.
I'm incredibly lonely but I'm realizing that this loneliness can not be filled by surrounding myself with friends, family, and potential dates. Though I want more than anything to find someone wonderful and share my life with them, it can't be rushed, and it can't be forced. Lately, even in my friendships... I've felt like it has been forced which is back firing and causing them to pull away. It's crushing. I realize that friendships change, people change. Though they may say one thing, their actions speak volumes of what it really going on, which is nothing. It's hard to digest. My fragile little heart hurts but I'm learning to let it go and trust that there is a reason I am going through this painful and icky time, again. There is a lesson I haven't learned. God isn't finished with me. I trust that He is using this loneliness to draw me closer to Him. It's an emotional tug of war but in the end, He always wins.
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