Restless Rest

Between Friday night at 7:00pm and Sunday at 7pm, I managed to sleep a total of 24 hours. Apparently I was tired. Weird, I can't imagine what I would be so tired from?

Thankfully my kitty was on the same page as I was. Funny how animals can sense when you are feeling a bit off. Lu always seems to  cuddle in a little bit more and tries her best to distract me with her purrs and cuteness.

I tried my best to have a low key but keep myself busy weekend. I knew I had to keep my mind busy as the second I allowed myself to stop and focus on reality, that is when I would become an emotional mess. It doesn't help that the one person I was trying not to think about made it incredibly hard not to think about him. I was woken up on Saturday morning with a picture text of a Sunrise and the caption "Good Morning, bun. I love you!" Bun is the nickname we had for each other. Not sure what hurt most receiving that text. The fact that he still thinks about me or the fact that he said the word love. It's clear we both have very different views of what love means.

I've been struggling with if I allow myself to see him one more time and tell him how much he has hurt me. Would it bring closure or just more brokenness? I desperately want to be angry with him but my heart can't muster up the courage to admit that emotion. I keep suppressing it. I keep denying the hurt I feel is actual anger. I'm scared to be angry. I don't want the last memory of us to be an angry one so I keep holding on to the reasons why I love him instead.

Middle of November in Minnesota is usually a crap shoot. The fact that it was 55 and sunny was a true treat and I took full advantage of the beautiful day. I headed to Lake Calhoun and took in the scenery. I was able to take some breathtaking shots of the sun setting but this one is probably my favorite. Though I had music blaring into my ears as I tried to get in a legit work out, my mind kept wandering. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it. I found my voice during an earlier falling out a week before. I know I can do it. I need to tap into that anger. Why am I so scared? Anger is a human emotion and in the right circumstances can be a beautiful thing if handled appropriately. My heart wont truly rest and feel peace until this is released.