2011 Reflections

2011 is coming to a close. Another year, another chapter I'm a happy to close while still eagerly hopeful for good things to come in 2012. I thought it would be a good time to reflect back on the 2011 "Things to work on" list and see how I did.

1. Being nicer to myself: I would have to say, I have made tremendous strides in this area. As someone who has always struggled with not feeling good enough, smart enough, capable enough, I have proven to myself that I can and do get through anything life throws at me. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. People, even acquaintances have made comments on how self aware I am and also how aware I am of others around me. A quality that a lot of people apparently lack? Yes, I am very self aware. I lead my life with my heart and though sometimes it gets me in trouble, and often hurt, I still remain hopeful. I don't give up. I keep pushing forward. I'm learning that even though things don't always pan out the way I hoped for, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. I am Jessica. I am a beautiful person inside and out and anyone who doesn't realize, appreciate or respect that fact, isn't worth having in my life. The 5 years ago Jess wouldn't have been able to say these things. That my friends, is called growth.

2. Learning the power of "No.": The biggest life changing decision I have made thus far was deciding to let my Condo go. It was a decision I did not take lightly. For a long time I felt like a failure. I felt like a deadbeat homeowner who was just walking away from her responsibilities. Looking back, as painful and heart breaking of a decision that was, I took ownership for myself, my life, and my safety. I told the bank, and also the world "No!" I was not going to tolerate living in a home where I did not feel safe. I also learned the power of the word "No" in many of my relationships with friends, co-workers, and even romantic relationships. Being a total people pleaser, this was and has been an incredibly difficult growing pain for me to endure but one that is necessary for me to grow, and move on in life. I have learned that I do not need to bear the weight of constant sacrifice, compromise and most importantly settling for less than I deserve. Saying "No! This is not ok," is really telling myself "Yes, Jess... you really ARE worth so much more." I am learning to love and respect myself more. This is huge progress for me. I am proud of myself for realizing this. I came across the quote a few weeks ago. "It takes 20 seconds of courage and I promise you, something good will come out of it." Very true. So very very true.

3. Taking a Vacation: Well, I did it! I managed to take a mini vacation to Miami in May! It was much needed and long overdue. I look forward to taking another vacation hopefully next year as well. I find that actually leaving the state is necessary and therapeutic. Sometimes its nice just to escape your reality and absorb a new world for a brief moment. I hope to visit Miami again, soon.

4. Not working as much: Yes, I still work full time, part time, and pet sit on the side. Looking back on the past year and how much I was working outside of my full time job, those days have dropped dramatically. Again, learning the power of "No" when people ask me to pet sit or work their shift. Sometimes it was hard for me to do, because I was think "Oh, the money would be so nice to have." But then, realizing that "No, making memories with those who I truly love and care for is more important." You can't put a price on that.

5. Looking forward, not back: I still struggle with this. I have a hard time letting go. I still will play mind games with myself saying "If only I wouldn't have done this, or said this, or done that... things would be different." Truth is, life happens and you can't change it. Good or bad, God has a plan and He allows things to happen for a reason. Why should I carry around the worry or guilt if things don't go as planned or that you wished for a better outcome? My prayers lately are all about letting go, and letting God. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. As humans, we want to be in control. Realizing that I can't control a lot of what life throws at me is the first step, but also realizing I CAN control how I react and move forward is freeing. My only hope right now is that God will continue to work on my heart and that I will learn to trust on Him for EVERYTHING. I have said this before and will say it again, God has a way of breaking you down so He can rebuild. His mercies are never ending. Thank Goodness that each day is a new beginning. A blank slate. Oh, how I'm thankful for that.

So there you have it. My reflections of 2011. I think I did pretty good. I have a lot to be thankful for. God is good, all the time.