In Between

"You're tough, Jess." Sure, that is a fair statement. I've been through a lot in my 29 years of life. Some good, some bad and a lot of in between. The past several weeks I've been exceptionally aware of my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. I'm trying hard to smile but why fake something you just don't feel. Truth is, I'm hurting. Sometimes when people ask how I am doing, and I politely say "I'm ok" I secretly wish they would just hug me and say "No, you're not ok."

I've tried my best to keep busy. I'm surrounding myself with positive people, focusing my energy on constructive activities, and channeling my frustration with exercise. But at the end of the day, I am only alone with myself and my thoughts and sometimes they get the best of me.

My Mom sent me this quote the other day.

The will of God will never take you
where the Grace of God
will not protect you."

Trying to see the comfort in those words. Trying so hard to trust that God has a plan and purpose to turn this pain and hurt into something beautiful but still I just wait.

As I was blog hopping today, I came across these words:

"I'm not going to quit on
myself. The pain means I am getting
to where I want to be."

Though our pains are very different...She is referring to a training program, and I am trying to train and put back together my heart... the words were still powerful and meaningful none the less.

Instead of being "Tough" and "Strong" and "Better than this," I am going to allow myself to not fake being "Ok." I truly hate this in between feeling but I look forward to being able to smile again, and actually mean it.