Something feels off. Perhaps it stems from an uncomfortable conversation I had last night but today, I still feel icky inside. Normally I would automatically freak out and assume the worst in things, but this time I am surprisingly calm. Still worried, but calm.
I'm still trying to process what was said last night. Though I am glad feelings were expressed, I'm still left unsure and confused by where it all came from as in my mind, things were good... no they were great. Assuming we were on the same page was my fault. I didn't want to be that girl that was constantly asking him "Are we good, are we on the same page, are you happy?!" I was letting things happen the way they were suppose to and to my surprise, (or at least I thought) thats exactly what was happening.
The whole situation is just icky. It's complicated. His plate is full and then some. Trying to juggle being a new dad, a job, a house, his family, Mama Drama, and then Me. I can't even imagine. The last thing I want to be in his life is someone he has to check off his "To Do" list. I don't want to be a burden, I want to be a blessing. But after last nights conversation, I can't help but feel like I am being a burden. This hurts my heart, a lot as like I said... I thought things were going well.
I feel stuck. I want things to continue on but it takes 2 people who want things to continue, not just one. He did express that he cares for me and that I mean a lot to him but at this point, he can't give more than he has been and isn't sure if and when he will be able to give more. Is this a test? Am I just to be patient, give him his space to figure stuff out? Or do I cut my losses? I'm not a quitter until I have exhausted every possible solution. I'm strong, I have been through far worse in my life than this but what do I do? What would you do?
I have laid out all of my cards, perhaps a little too soon. But with matters of the heart, I have always thought it best to say what you feel in the moment as we are never promised tomorrow.
My heart hurts. I don't like this icky feeling especially since we had such an amazing weekend. I wish I had a magic crystal ball where I could see what the future holds. I came across this quote the other day and I have been repeating it often:
"God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will."
That's where I am today. I have surrendered it to God and will continue to trust that He will take care of it for me no matter what the outcome will be.
I'm still trying to process what was said last night. Though I am glad feelings were expressed, I'm still left unsure and confused by where it all came from as in my mind, things were good... no they were great. Assuming we were on the same page was my fault. I didn't want to be that girl that was constantly asking him "Are we good, are we on the same page, are you happy?!" I was letting things happen the way they were suppose to and to my surprise, (or at least I thought) thats exactly what was happening.
The whole situation is just icky. It's complicated. His plate is full and then some. Trying to juggle being a new dad, a job, a house, his family, Mama Drama, and then Me. I can't even imagine. The last thing I want to be in his life is someone he has to check off his "To Do" list. I don't want to be a burden, I want to be a blessing. But after last nights conversation, I can't help but feel like I am being a burden. This hurts my heart, a lot as like I said... I thought things were going well.
I feel stuck. I want things to continue on but it takes 2 people who want things to continue, not just one. He did express that he cares for me and that I mean a lot to him but at this point, he can't give more than he has been and isn't sure if and when he will be able to give more. Is this a test? Am I just to be patient, give him his space to figure stuff out? Or do I cut my losses? I'm not a quitter until I have exhausted every possible solution. I'm strong, I have been through far worse in my life than this but what do I do? What would you do?
I have laid out all of my cards, perhaps a little too soon. But with matters of the heart, I have always thought it best to say what you feel in the moment as we are never promised tomorrow.
My heart hurts. I don't like this icky feeling especially since we had such an amazing weekend. I wish I had a magic crystal ball where I could see what the future holds. I came across this quote the other day and I have been repeating it often:
"God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will."
That's where I am today. I have surrendered it to God and will continue to trust that He will take care of it for me no matter what the outcome will be.
3 comments:
Sorry that things are feeling icky girlie. Things will get better. I can't imagine just what the Mama Drama does to him. My son's father loves to drive me nuts. Sigh. I hope that everything works out for the better :)
I'm praying for clarity for you Jess.
I know there is a lot going on, but I also know that anything worth while takes work.
Sending you big hugs!
Biz
I'm sure things are still going good. He's probably just feeling overwhelmed. Give it a few days. Sometimes we say things out of just our overwhelmed selves and it's not a true picture of how things are really going. Maybe a bad day blownup.
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