Free

I met Ryan just over 7 years ago. I was 22 and he was 24. We were both broken and bruised from our past relationships and it is safe to say that we were each others rebounds at the time. From that rebound, formed a friendship and from that friendship I developed strong feelings for him while he still remained neutral. He would always say "I just don't feel the spark with you, Jess." That statement still confuses me to this day. I dismissed his constant rejections in wanting to take our relationship to the next level. I was convinced if I waited another day, week, month, year... he would change his mind about me, about us.

I tried to be perfect for him. I would go above and beyond, constantly. There would be moments when I thought "Oh, he's changing his mind, I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes." But... nothing. Ryan had a way of pacifying me with little glimmers of hope. Though he never wanted me to be his girlfriend, he did want me around to be his feel good friend. He was a manipulator. I ate his words up like they were candy. He also had a way of making me feel special, wanted, needed.

Out of all of the relationships I have had in the past 10 years, Ryan is the one who truly broke me. Though we were complete dysfunction right from the start, behind the icky layers, I believe we truly did have something real which is probably why I stuck around as long as I did. Ryan and I have had countless goodbyes only to be followed by new hello's and then followed by more goodbyes. I had shed a millions tears over him and my heart has been broken too many times to count. You may ask why do I torture myself? I ask myself that question often too. Ryan has always been a person in my life that I can't seem to dismiss. I truly loved him and cared about him. He brought out the worst in me but also brought out the best.

For the past year or so, we've kept in contact with one another. Mostly via text message. He has moved on, has a girlfriend who has 2 children who also live with them. Insta-family. Not gonna lie, this stings, a lot. She apparently gives him something I never could, even though I gave him everything. Anyway... I hadn't heard from him in a good month or so until this past Saturday. May I also point out that I believe ALL of my ex boyfriends have a radar and know exactly when I am happy and find a way to come in and just f it up. Ugh. But yes, he contacted me again. Conversation was innocent at first but then, true to his form, it took a turn for the worse. He is toxic and has a way of sucking me into his vortex. Over the past 2 years, I have learned to keep him at bay, put him in his place when I need to but never have reached my boiling point and said "Please leave me alone!"

I started to realize that on the days/weeks when Ryan and I were in communication with one another, I felt like crap. I didn't like myself. I was ultra emotional. I also would isolate myself from family and friends. My heart was very bitter and broken. On the flip side, on the days/weeks when we weren't in communication with one another, I was happy, care free, excited about life and it's possibilities. I knew the problem, I knew the solution but yet I still couldn't muster up the courage to tell him "Stop!Leave me alone,"

I had a pretty uneventful night last night. Went for a walk, checked in on a pet sitting client, and watched some of the Twins game with E. While watching the game, I got a text from Ryan that said "What's up Babe" and I instantly became flooded with anger. That anger was the fuel that I have been desperately seeking for the last 7 years. I simply responded with "I can no longer talk to you Ryan. This ship has sailed. Please leave me alone and allow me to be happy." The second I hit send, I felt like a 190 lb weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe. I felt my heart become warm in my chest. I felt free.

I will never wish any ill upon Ryan. I did love and care for him and a part of me always will. I just reached my limit with him. He was only bringing me down and I was born to be going a different direction. 7 years is what it took, but it was time. Long overdue, but I feel anew.