Matter vs. Mind

I've been pretty open and honest about my struggles when it comes to my weight. I've always been a "Chubby" or "Big Boned" girl. I've accepted the fact that I will never be skinny, but I have reached a point of disgust again after seeing some pictures of myself 13 years ago, and then today.



June 2000- 18 years old



May 2013- 30 years old



13 years ago, I was approximately 50 lbs lighter. I remember being 18 and thinking I was fat. I hated my arms, the shape of my face. I hated how my legs jiggled when I walked and how my stomach wasn't flat. I pretty much hated everything about my physical body. Everyday I would look in the mirror and pick apart every flaw. I remember wishing I could be like my girlfriends and wear a two piece when going to the beach but instead I walked around in my one piece with shorts and a t shirt to cover up.  Now  I look back at that picture and would give ANYTHING to be her again. She was thin and beautiful but didn't realize her beauty.

I look at my picture that was taken this past Sunday and cringe. I see a grown up version of myself. I have more self esteem and know that I have beautiful qualities, but still haven't quite accepted ME yet.

It's an icky feeling when you haven't seen family in awhile. You greet each other and they say "You look, great... Jess." But you know in the back of their mind they are thinking "Wow... she's gotten big." I experienced that this past weekend and back on Easter. They all work hard at hiding their true feelings, but I could sense the reality. Sigh.

I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm stressed. I don't eat when I'm sad though... Food is a common theme in my family. Everything revolves around a meal. Birthdays, Holiday's, It's crappy weather, It's wonderful weather, It's Friday... any excuse to eat and drink we can find justify it. I love food. I love feel good food. Sometimes (all the time) I make bad decisions of what I decide to put in my body.

I think everyone has an addiction they struggle with. Mine just happens to be food. I really want to figure this out. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good about the way I look. Like everything else in my life, I wont give up. The desire is there, I just need to figure out why matter is winning over my mind.